A
This is something that really turned me upside down, and I still feel really confused about it sometimes. There is this girl i know who is about 18, and probably one of the most mature christians i have met, including adults. I don't know if everyone is going to believe me on this, but the closest way i could describe her is sort of like a prophet in that God--in a way--speaks to her. Yes, really. She sometimes gets these convictions about people that she has never met before, and she just knows all this stuff about them. When she is brave enough (which she told me that she struggles with) she might start talking to a stranger by asking them if their name is so-and-so, whatever God told her. Then she tells them what she is supposed to. These are people who might be considering suicide or who are emotionally wrecked. I know its true because a) i would trust her with more than my life, and b) she told me something that i desperately needed to hear and that completely changed my spiritual life--with absolutely no way of knowing what i was going through. I have known her my whole life, but all this was learned/told early this year.
It was crazy for me. I didn't realize that that sort of thing happened in real life. I guess i knew it was supposed to in theory, but no one in my church or family ever told me that us 'normal folk' should expect anything. At first I was blown away that God is working like that in our lifetime, right now. But now I'm struggling with it a little. I talk to that girl a lot, and i know she has plenty of problems that i could hardly imagine, but i can't help being a little jealous. Just because she knows that God is obviously going to use her in enormous ways. He already has. I mean, she has been given this spiritual gift, and is one in thousands with anything like that.
So what it boils down to is that it makes me feel...insignificant, I guess. I know i shouldn't, and that God has a plan for everyone and all, but she has been blessed to do things that I never could. I want to be used so badly, but I think that the devil twists me up and makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Either I am not a good enough Christian or I just am not...special enough, you know? And I don't really know how to deal with it, because I can't get that voice out of my head and my head doesn't have any counter-arguments. I believe that God makes our future, but I want a future where it matters what i do for God and where I can feel like he is using me. I just feel conflicted and confused and let down, I guess. Like God won't give me the tools for a house I want to build for him, even though I've already got the materials. Something like that. Does anyone struggle with this sort of thing? It is like doubt, but it feels even worse to me. Like what the Israelites would feel like if they started wondering whether God was going to be on their side during the next battle, or even really care.
It was crazy for me. I didn't realize that that sort of thing happened in real life. I guess i knew it was supposed to in theory, but no one in my church or family ever told me that us 'normal folk' should expect anything. At first I was blown away that God is working like that in our lifetime, right now. But now I'm struggling with it a little. I talk to that girl a lot, and i know she has plenty of problems that i could hardly imagine, but i can't help being a little jealous. Just because she knows that God is obviously going to use her in enormous ways. He already has. I mean, she has been given this spiritual gift, and is one in thousands with anything like that.
So what it boils down to is that it makes me feel...insignificant, I guess. I know i shouldn't, and that God has a plan for everyone and all, but she has been blessed to do things that I never could. I want to be used so badly, but I think that the devil twists me up and makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Either I am not a good enough Christian or I just am not...special enough, you know? And I don't really know how to deal with it, because I can't get that voice out of my head and my head doesn't have any counter-arguments. I believe that God makes our future, but I want a future where it matters what i do for God and where I can feel like he is using me. I just feel conflicted and confused and let down, I guess. Like God won't give me the tools for a house I want to build for him, even though I've already got the materials. Something like that. Does anyone struggle with this sort of thing? It is like doubt, but it feels even worse to me. Like what the Israelites would feel like if they started wondering whether God was going to be on their side during the next battle, or even really care.
