Uhhhhmmm... Small problem...

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V

Vidy

Guest
#1
#1
Sorry for not putting details in the thread title =P also, sorry it's long lol

Anyway, I figured I'd post about this here- It's a relationship problem... kinda...


Here's the simplest way to put it... The things happened in this order-
#1- I ask my girlfriend out (We've been "practically" together for two years, so I know her well)
#2- Somewhere along the way, her parents (AKA her mom, the lecturer), talk to me about kissing. The gist of the conversation was, "We aren't telling you not to kiss. We're just saying that kissing leads to sex, and you probably shouldn't do it."
#3- I end up kissing her
#4- The SAME DAY I get another conversation from her parents, but the gist of THIS conversation was, "You better NOT kiss her until you've asked her father, and her father will say no!"


Now, for more info on my views on it- I also believe that, if not limited, then it probably could. I agree that for SOME people, it could lead to sex, but many can kiss without the need for sex. I'm not sure which I am, but I REALLY want to try it out, and I'd be willing to stop if the pressure proved too much for me. In fact, that's exactly what her mom had done with her dad!

I don't want to stop kissing her, even though her parents strongly disapprove, and she doesn't want to stop either. It's forced us to only kiss when it's "safe" and nobody's around, which I honestly think is more dangerous than being able to give a few small kisses just "whenever." However, I can't tell her parents this stuff because it would require me telling them I've kissed her, and the possible consequences of THAT seem far worse than the small pang of guilt that I may or may not feel when I kiss her.


I just don't know what to do in this situation... Should I come clean and tell them (my girlfriend doesn't like this idea, and there was one time I was actually crazy enough to do it, but she was able to stop me lol)....or should I just process with my original intentions (kiss, and if it gets too "sexy," then cut back), but keep it secret... Or should I stop kissing her completely? Or is there another option I could choose?

Oh, and one last thing to throw in here that may affect your answers- It's a distanced relationship, so we only get to see each other a few days at a time, normally around the holidays (Though I recently moved 4 hours closer and non-holiday trips are now an option). We don't get to see each other every day, and kisses are special, and the best (if not the only) appropriate way to physically say, "I love you." When I see her, I like to take advantage of the time I get to actually spend with HER, and kissing is becoming an important part of that =S Also, if her parents found out and a drastic decision was made, I would have no way of sneaking and seeing her anyway.


The main dilemma here is this- I do not consider kissing to be wrong, though most things that follow are. Her parents take it a step down and say they don't want kissing. In fact, they even frown upon hugs (side-hugs only -.-), and... I just have no idea how to tackle this situation =(


P.S. I KNOW the Bible says to obey your parents, and in another place it says not to cause your brother to stumble, which is what I happen to be doing. However, the conflict here is not obedience- it is the fact that I can't tackle this the way I normally do (humane, civil conversation) because of the exact circumstances. Even if the circumstances weren't EXACTLY like this, knowing her mom, I'd more likely get a lecture than have a conversation.

Also, though it probably doesn't sound like it, her parents actually like me XD I kinda feel sorry for anyone she's dated in the past that they haven't liked lol
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#2
#2
Bump....................
 
MisaMisa

MisaMisa

Banned
#3
Dec 6, 2009
103
0
0
#3
Honestly, I only skimmed your post, so sorry if I say something unnecessary or something.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with kissing. I can understand that her parents may be a little paranoid, but that is just ridiculous.

Try talking to her parents. Tell them that you really care about their daughter, and do not intend on having sex with her until you two have married. I don't know your relationship with her parents, but you need to be as polite/sweet as possible. Assure them that they can trust you. You could explain that you are a Christian and do not believe in sex before marriage anyways.

Also, having your girlfriend talk to her parents about it could also help a lot.
 
Kakashi

Kakashi

Senior Member
#6
Jan 3, 2007
626
2
0
36
#6
I'll be blunt, at your age " stopping when there's too much pressure" is very unlikely fora guy. When two people have already got the engines revved it's pretty hard to stop it. let's be honest, we both guys here, it's hard for guys to stop once they've gotten in abit too far. I'm just saying, I 've know nalot of people who said " well we'll only kiss , but not have sex. I know my boudries right?" And yet those boundires can get knocked down so quickly in the heat of the moment so to speak. Obviously i can;t tell you what your self control level is, but I'm just saying that as a warning. As for what her parents are saying, it ain't going to kill you to not kiss, seriously.

Now, let me be clear, obviously kissing in and of itself is NOT wrong, however the circumstances around it which lead to something else do make it wrong. if her parents have a problem with kissing then just let it go and don't do it. it seems like you're saying " unless i can be physical, i can;t show my love for her" and that's bogus. love isn't just something shown by kissing and whatnot. Words and other actions mean so much more. Look up 1st Corinthians chapter 13, that's what love is really all about. Physical touch is one way we can show love, but those aren't quite as deep as the things that permeate below all of that.
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#7
#7
^^My self control level is actually pretty high, and when I say "I'll know when it's too far," I mean there's a limit. There's 3 "modes" for me- One is fine, one is "This is probably a little much," and the last is the one you describe. I don't get lost in the heat of the moment, even if I want to. I'm a thinker =D lol

As for what you said, I agree. I can (and have for two+ years) shown my love for her without kissing. But if you've ever heard of the love languages, mine happens to be physical touch (and, to some extent, quality time). Fortunately, hers are the same ^_^ I know it's not necessary, but I'd really like it.

Also, I have ZERO intentions of allowing a heat-of-the-moment decision to even be possible. I want to be able to kiss her in public for that very reason- If we're forced to kiss in private (if at all), then it's actually more likely to lead to a poor decision =(


I have a plan to at least open dialogue between her parents and I- I'm going to give her dad a gift for Christmas... A mistletoe XD And a letter saying "Please, Mr. Victor?" I'm also debating on whether to put $10 in there and also putting on the note, "(P.S. There's also $10). More-so so that the gift will be useful than as a bribe, but that could be misinterpreted pretty easily, so I dunno...

As for my relationship with her parents, they actually like me a lot ^_^ lol
 
G

Garrison

Guest
#8
#8
How nice of you to pat yourself on the bacK!!! If you don't want to talk to the parents, and they don't want you to, then don't. All that's gonna end up happening is that you're gonna get caught and blitzed outta there by her parents.
 
W

WastingTheDawn

Guest
#9
#9
Kissing does not lead to sex, otherwise I would have had sex with my dog and even my pet hamsters!

I think the parents of the girl are very old fashioned and very cautious. I think that is somehow respectable but just putting it "You cannot kiss because KISSING LEADS TO SEX!!" reminds me more of some anti-christian comic. Overreacting at it's best.

It's better not to fornicate, it leads to a lot of mental problems. Much worse problems than being without sex. Just be the perfect gentleman, kiss her with NO LUST but with the CARING you feel for her. Lust destroys, love builds. Kissing builds, sex at that stage destroys.
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#10
#10
Hey, I wasn't patting myself on the back to feel good about myself... I was just telling a little about myself in situations since it might get a better answer =/

And it's not that I don't want to talk to them about it. I've WANTED to since the very beginning. I would just rather talk to her dad about it instead of her mom, since apparently I'm a lot like her dad, and her dad is more likely to hold a conversation than to give a lecture ~_o

Kinda hard to get him alone though =S
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#12
#12
Lol, yeah XD

S'all good now... I think... I now have permissions to kiss her, but I'm still kinda concerned by the fact that her parents never knew about the kissing pre-permissions.... If I really feel guilt, though, I can live with it, and I'll just bring it up in conversation like 5 years from now after we're already married (assuming we stay together) XD
 
G

Garrison

Guest
#13
#13
Vidy said:
Lol, yeah XD

S'all good now... I think... I now have permissions to kiss her, but I'm still kinda concerned by the fact that her parents never knew about the kissing pre-permissions.... If I really feel guilt, though, I can live with it, and I'll just bring it up in conversation like 5 years from now after we're already married (assuming we stay together) XD
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And what if you don't??? What's wrong with people who can't listen and/or obey??? They're the kind that in my opinion shouldn't be dating in the first place till they're ready to follow the rules lol.
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#14
#14
Garrison said:
And what if you don't??? What's wrong with people who can't listen and/or obey??? They're the kind that in my opinion shouldn't be dating in the first place till they're ready to follow the rules lol.
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=/ If we don't, we'll remain friends and we may bring it back up one day anyway lol. And I've always has a SLIGHT authority problem, where I don't follow rules that I consider insignificant lol. I follow all the rules that I think matter, but on "smaller" issues like bedtimes, I tend to completely ignore them XD I know it's not right, but it's how I work.

However, this one was a more complicated issue, and was not as simple and small as I'd have liked it to be. It involved the trust of her parents and the subject of sex (and while sex was the farthest thing from my mind, her parents kept insisting that sex is what kissing lead to -.-).

And I really think that I would have been more likely to follow their rules if they hadn't told me, "We're not saying not to kiss, but I'd prefer if you talked to her father about it first." Ya know what I get out of that? "We're not saying not to kiss," and that's where it ends. It wasn't until after the first kiss that they came down hard on the "no kissing!" policy.

I am perfectly willing to listen, and as much as I'd like to say I'll obey, I'll only be WILLING to obey if I can see reasons from listening. The "Because I say so" argument has never held any water with me.

I think we're ready to date. We're just learning as we go ~_o
 
L

lightbliss

Guest
#15
#15
You know there is nothing wrong with a kiss (peck on the lips/cheek). Perhaps her parents think that the both of you want to make-out (maybe with no tongue but still heavy kissing ), which I can understand why they don't want that because sometimes that can lead to sex. Just explain that what you both want is simply a kiss and not eating each other's mouths off. Good luck ;)
 
G

Garrison

Guest
#16
#16
Vidy said:
=/ If we don't, we'll remain friends and we may bring it back up one day anyway lol. And I've always has a SLIGHT authority problem, where I don't follow rules that I consider insignificant lol. I follow all the rules that I think matter, but on "smaller" issues like bedtimes, I tend to completely ignore them XD I know it's not right, but it's how I work.

However, this one was a more complicated issue, and was not as simple and small as I'd have liked it to be. It involved the trust of her parents and the subject of sex (and while sex was the farthest thing from my mind, her parents kept insisting that sex is what kissing lead to -.-).

And I really think that I would have been more likely to follow their rules if they hadn't told me, "We're not saying not to kiss, but I'd prefer if you talked to her father about it first." Ya know what I get out of that? "We're not saying not to kiss," and that's where it ends. It wasn't until after the first kiss that they came down hard on the "no kissing!" policy.

I am perfectly willing to listen, and as much as I'd like to say I'll obey, I'll only be WILLING to obey if I can see reasons from listening. The "Because I say so" argument has never held any water with me.

I think we're ready to date. We're just learning as we go ~_o
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Yeah, you're learning all right... I just don't know what!!? They may have reasons that they're not telling you or her, and rightly so. You possibly aren't old enough to know and/or understand their reasons, and your not obeying shows them that you wouldn't be ready to listen if they did tell you why.

You're not obeying in the little things sounds more to me like you do whatever you feel like and make excuses later. I have no sympathy for those who deliberately disobey and expect to be rewarded for it!!
 
V

Vidy

Guest
#17
#17
If they have reasons they aren't telling me, then I lose respect for them. They're VERY open about the most awkward things, and tell me often that they have no problems discussing things like this. If they have REAL reasons for it, they should tell me. I know that both of her parents "messed up" before marriage (not with each other, but with other people), and I understand that they wanted to be careful.

However, you're missing the point of this whole thread. I was trapped in a situation that would have been avoided if her parents had been entirely honest from the BEGINNING instead of waiting a few days to spring it on me =(

I am PLENTY old enough to understand things. Age has nothing to do with understanding! I don't want to brag or anything, but I'm very intelligent and will be able to see the points they make, even if I don't agree ~_o
 
G

Garrison

Guest
#18
#18
Vidy said:
If they have reasons they aren't telling me, then I lose respect for them. They're VERY open about the most awkward things, and tell me often that they have no problems discussing things like this. If they have REAL reasons for it, they should tell me. I know that both of her parents "messed up" before marriage (not with each other, but with other people), and I understand that they wanted to be careful.

However, you're missing the point of this whole thread. I was trapped in a situation that would have been avoided if her parents had been entirely honest from the BEGINNING instead of waiting a few days to spring it on me =(

I am PLENTY old enough to understand things. Age has nothing to do with understanding! I don't want to brag or anything, but I'm very intelligent and will be able to see the points they make, even if I don't agree ~_o
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If you don't mean to brag, then why do you? Who are you to decide whether or not you are intelligent? Any more than I can compare my computer to yours... If the parents choose not to tell you stuff, that's their issue. They are still your elders, and you still need to obey them...

Anyways, so you are saying you understand now as you did at 5 years old? (Age has nothing to with understanding!)
 
AliceOfLegend

AliceOfLegend

Banned
#19
Jan 20, 2010
206
0
0
#19
Garrison, your being a bit rude. He had a problem, he wanted some advice and he did not ask to be lectured
 
zavok

zavok

Banned
#20
Dec 4, 2009
467
0
0
#20
Garrison said:
If you don't mean to brag, then why do you? Who are you to decide whether or not you are intelligent? Any more than I can compare my computer to yours... If the parents choose not to tell you stuff, that's their issue. They are still your elders, and you still need to obey them...

Anyways, so you are saying you understand now as you did at 5 years old? (Age has nothing to with understanding!)
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maybe you should comment when u done some dating not meaning to lecture or be rude to you like youve been doing
 
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