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I've never asked or shared something this personal online but I'm open for suggestions, advice, or even 'I relate to you' kind of posts.
I am a college student in his junior year while living with younger siblings with parents who live in another country. I have lots of responsibilities on my shoulder. I am the oldest of 4 sons and I am currently taking care of my two younger brothers right below me while the youngest one is still living with our parents in another country. I am struggling to stay positive while going to school, taking care of my brothers and coping with this empty/void feeling within.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of more than 1 year who is now my ex-girlfriend. We felt so close to each other, but we couldn't overlook the constant arguments and interest conflicts we were getting into during our last phases of our relationship. I was emotionally hurting her and she couldn't take it anymore nor did I want to continue with the relationship with the progress it was going at. We both came to a conclusion to break up and now its only been about 2 weeks. To avoid the feeling of emptiness and disconnection with the person that I felt closest to, I kept myself busy with school assignments and hanging out/taking care of my brothers.
I wasn't avoiding the fact that we broke up, because I couldn't stop the thought of her when I lay in bed at night or when I'm alone. We didn't have a proper closure to the breakup so I wrote a letter thinking back and reflecting on all the good things that came out of this relationship. I haven't passed it on to her, but I plan to when the timing is right. I understand that coping with a breakup will take time and its a bearable challenge/obstacle.
The biggest challenge/obstacle is being the older brother of three younger brothers. While we grew up I basically took care of my brothers, because our parents would get into huge fights and we grew up in a unstable family environment. Towards the teenage years of my life I was the mentor/dad to my younger brothers. I was a huge goofball, but as my brothers looked up to me I think I calmed myself down a lot and during my later phases of my high school years I had a lot of time to reflect on myself. My brother right below me was a big introvert as we were growing up and he hated public embarrassments while I didn't really care about what the public thoughts. After I left for college my brother right below me turned into an extrovert and is now very different from the kid he was before. I'm glad he courageous and energetic, but something within me feels uncomfortable, life almost hateful towards him. He takes the lead on most situations and I feel like the rear end cleaning after and paving the road for my younger brothers. I hate the way I feel towards my brothers, because it is causing me to feel disconnected from them and negative emotions are building towards them.
With that also in mind, ever since I left to college I can't take an interest in anything and I don't have any hobby other than watching movies, studying, and reading. I don't engage in these activities because I love to do them, but because I believe they are productive activities. I hate that I can't feel with my heart anymore. I don't like to attend public gatherings/clubs/activities/etc. because I have anxieties about engaging in conversations with people and trying to sustain the relationship down the road. Its tiresome and I feel like I have to exert so much energy into trying to impress/interest/humor the people I am engaging with.
I used to love life and keep track of all the meaningful events that's occurred throughout my life, but now I don't recount the past or the meaningful experiences I've had in life. I don't share my personal stories or feeling with people. My thoughts are jumbled and I feel chaotic. I want to rekindle my interest in life and live my life to the fullest pursuing whatever invigorates my heart. I am a coward, because I only think and do not put them into action.
I may have hereditary depression, because I learned from my mom that she had major depression phases during her college years. I realize how hard it must have been for her and she tries so hard to make her time worthwhile while she is living, but I can't overlook how tired she is and for the amount of effort she puts in to keep the family together it all seems like constant work with very little return. I'm afraid I might be like my parents when I have my own family. The only thing that interests me now is sex and this was something of an issue while I was in the relationship. I tried very much to suppress my urges during our relationship and I have never forced the act upon her. I want to be a spiritual person but going to church is also hard because I have to engage is social activities and I don't want to share or talk. It says take life as it is, but I don't know why I have to try so hard for everything in my life.
Thanks for reading
I am a college student in his junior year while living with younger siblings with parents who live in another country. I have lots of responsibilities on my shoulder. I am the oldest of 4 sons and I am currently taking care of my two younger brothers right below me while the youngest one is still living with our parents in another country. I am struggling to stay positive while going to school, taking care of my brothers and coping with this empty/void feeling within.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of more than 1 year who is now my ex-girlfriend. We felt so close to each other, but we couldn't overlook the constant arguments and interest conflicts we were getting into during our last phases of our relationship. I was emotionally hurting her and she couldn't take it anymore nor did I want to continue with the relationship with the progress it was going at. We both came to a conclusion to break up and now its only been about 2 weeks. To avoid the feeling of emptiness and disconnection with the person that I felt closest to, I kept myself busy with school assignments and hanging out/taking care of my brothers.
I wasn't avoiding the fact that we broke up, because I couldn't stop the thought of her when I lay in bed at night or when I'm alone. We didn't have a proper closure to the breakup so I wrote a letter thinking back and reflecting on all the good things that came out of this relationship. I haven't passed it on to her, but I plan to when the timing is right. I understand that coping with a breakup will take time and its a bearable challenge/obstacle.
The biggest challenge/obstacle is being the older brother of three younger brothers. While we grew up I basically took care of my brothers, because our parents would get into huge fights and we grew up in a unstable family environment. Towards the teenage years of my life I was the mentor/dad to my younger brothers. I was a huge goofball, but as my brothers looked up to me I think I calmed myself down a lot and during my later phases of my high school years I had a lot of time to reflect on myself. My brother right below me was a big introvert as we were growing up and he hated public embarrassments while I didn't really care about what the public thoughts. After I left for college my brother right below me turned into an extrovert and is now very different from the kid he was before. I'm glad he courageous and energetic, but something within me feels uncomfortable, life almost hateful towards him. He takes the lead on most situations and I feel like the rear end cleaning after and paving the road for my younger brothers. I hate the way I feel towards my brothers, because it is causing me to feel disconnected from them and negative emotions are building towards them.
With that also in mind, ever since I left to college I can't take an interest in anything and I don't have any hobby other than watching movies, studying, and reading. I don't engage in these activities because I love to do them, but because I believe they are productive activities. I hate that I can't feel with my heart anymore. I don't like to attend public gatherings/clubs/activities/etc. because I have anxieties about engaging in conversations with people and trying to sustain the relationship down the road. Its tiresome and I feel like I have to exert so much energy into trying to impress/interest/humor the people I am engaging with.
I used to love life and keep track of all the meaningful events that's occurred throughout my life, but now I don't recount the past or the meaningful experiences I've had in life. I don't share my personal stories or feeling with people. My thoughts are jumbled and I feel chaotic. I want to rekindle my interest in life and live my life to the fullest pursuing whatever invigorates my heart. I am a coward, because I only think and do not put them into action.
I may have hereditary depression, because I learned from my mom that she had major depression phases during her college years. I realize how hard it must have been for her and she tries so hard to make her time worthwhile while she is living, but I can't overlook how tired she is and for the amount of effort she puts in to keep the family together it all seems like constant work with very little return. I'm afraid I might be like my parents when I have my own family. The only thing that interests me now is sex and this was something of an issue while I was in the relationship. I tried very much to suppress my urges during our relationship and I have never forced the act upon her. I want to be a spiritual person but going to church is also hard because I have to engage is social activities and I don't want to share or talk. It says take life as it is, but I don't know why I have to try so hard for everything in my life.
Thanks for reading
