I would like to share a personal testimony about God's love for all of us... this is a TRUE testimony about how God supernaturally intervened in my life and set me free from the bondage that was holding me.
First so you understand I want to share some background history about my life.
Now I know no ones life is perfect. We all have things we go through. But here is what happened to me...
I was born into a Christian family, or well, my mother was anyways, and my grandmother (her mom) was a pastor. I grew up in the Church, I knew about God all my life. I was saved when I was a child, but as I got older, I walked away from it when I started realizing what was going on at home.... MY parents divorced when I was a toddler. A few years later both my parents remarried to someone else. I lived with my mother and my stepfather; he was very abusive. As a small child I witnessed the many times he almost killed my mother, I witnessed her hospitalized, police, many CPS visits. He started hitting me too. It wasn't just him though, my mom used to beat me with a flyswatter, belt, hanger, who knows what else, my grandparents told me about times when I would have bruises from it. But my step dad was another story... He would drag me up the stairs by my hair and neck, slapped, slammed into things, pushed around. The part that hurt the most was when they both told me it was my fault. I was not allowed to say anything to anyone or I was in even bigger trouble. So I kept it a secret for many years. From my early teens I was depressed and suicidal, even as a child I had plans to run away from home. It wasn't until I was 16 years old, that I finally told someone, and I only told someone cause I was just caught cutting and the doctors wanted to know why. I guess I couldn’t take all the pain anymore, so I started cutting, giving myself physical pain in order lessen the emotional pain. When I was 16, I was placed in a hospital 2 times because of cutting/suicidal… I eventually moved in with my dad. Though that was not much better, as my stepmother was just hateful towards me. Was very verbally mean. I was still depressed and cutting. At this point cutting had become a habit. I hid it well. Towards the end of fall, in the year of 2007, my mom finally split up with my stepfather, as he hit her, and she told him to leave. They got a divorce. But I still lived with my father. After my mom got a divorce, she wanted to find a new church to go to so that she wouldn’t come in contact with my stepfather. So we went to this Church. This is another testimony, but anyhow, I ended up going to some special services. God supernaturally revealed Himself to me in such a way it touched my heart, and I rededicated my life to Him that day February 19, 2008. Now even though I rededicated my life to Him, I was still struggling with depression and cutting. It was a bad habit, and I no matter how hard I tried, it just seemed like I couldn't stop. Even though I rededicated, I faced a rough, trying time for the few months following. All in the same weekend (April of 2008), my father and my stepmother split up -separating the family, and my mom tried to commit suicide and was now hospitalized –she blamed it on me which made it worse. When this happenedI was still living at my grandparent’s house, with my dad and sister. My mom was still in the hospital, hadn’t spoken to me for months, she said she tried to commit suicide because I hurt her when I told her I couldn’t move in with her, as I wanted to be there for my dad, who had just split up with his wife.
August 26, 2008
At home (grandparents house), on my bed, just really upset, hurt and crying…
I was up late crying and very upset with all that I was going through in my life. Honestly, I was sort of upset with God. I felt alone, as if He wasn’t there. Though it was really me, who was building this wall between us (God and I). Earlier in the day, I had cut myself and was just “done” with life –sick of everything. Sick of trying, sick of all this drama, sick of having to go through this stuff, sick of living, just wanted to give up. I was lying down, on the top bunk, in my bedroom, my sister and I shared. As I laid there, I was crying, tears just streaming down my face, I just couldn’t understand why I was going through all of this. I thought my life was supposed to be error free if I followed Jesus. Little did I know.I was half crying and praying to God. As I am crying and praying I am facing the wall. Looking at it from time to time. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I was standing in clouds, surrounded by light. It was like I was seeing through a third persons point of view, I saw myself, and I saw another figure of a Man, who I knew was Jesus. I saw it as a side profile of Him and myself, I saw myself on the right side, He was on the left. We both were facing each other. I saw myself, as I stood before Him, I saw myself crying. Just weeping in front of Him, as He looked at me. I was covering my face with my hands, as I was crying. I remember just feeling ashamed, and disappointed in myself, and so hurt by what was going in my life. I didn’t even look up at Him. As I stood there crying in front of Him, covering my face, you could see all the scars and opens cuts I had running down my arms. That is why I was covering my face, because I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I was disappointed in myself. But Jesus, He looked at me with SUCH COMPASSION and SUCH LOVE, and He just wrapped His arms around me. And He held me. I continued to cry, but He just held me in a warm embrace. I can’t describe to you, HOW DEEP HIS LOVE IS. I don’t know how long He held me, but eventually, I stopped covering my face with both my hands, and hugged Him, with my open arm. He then took my hands in His, my hands were together and His hands held mine. He looked into my eyes, as I briefly looked up, and as He looked into my eyes, it felt and seemed as if He was lookingpast my eyes and into my heart. Ohh I cannot describe to you the deep love. His eyes are full of love. As He holds my hands in His, I saw all my cuts and all my scars disappear off my arms, and they appeared on Him. He then said to me “Your pain is my pain.” He went on to tell me that He died so that I may live, without shame, to turn away from sin (cutting and destroying myself). Also said He knows all that I am going through, that I don’t have to cut myself, I don’t have to feel alone. That is because I have Him and He knows. He cares, He loves, and that He is with me. He knows everything that all of us have ever been through, every single thing we face. And that He has the strength to carry us through our difficulties and will guide us out of that darkness and bring us into light. After all this was said, it was like I was back facing the wall again.
God's love for us is soo deep, soo amazing. This vision changed my life. Know I didn't go seeking such an experience, it just happened. Ever since this, I have not cut. That doesn’t mean I have not thought about it, I just tell those thoughts to leave, and that Jesus took it, He is with me. I want you to know, to those of you who may be struggling with cutting, depression, suicide, God is with you, He has not left you, He has not forgotten you, HE LOVES YOU, He cares about you, He wants you to be joyful, He wants you to be well. He will carry you, just let Him. Open up your heart to Him, pour out yourself on Him, He has the strength to carry you through anything you may be facing. You don't have to face anything alone, He is right by your side. I want you all to know, I am nothing special. This serves as a testimony about the love of Christ, and how He knows everything each of us go through, even to the smallest detail, and He is with us through it all. You can lean on Him, He will help you. If you are struggling with cutting, I want you to know Christ paid the price for you to be well. He took it. Decide once and for all to be done with it, and stick with that decision. It may not be easy, but when you do feel like cutting, cry out to Jesus instead, and ask Him for help. Never forget He is with you. I am here for you as well. If you need anything, let me know.
I still have to learn that some things aren't my fault and are out of my control, but that's because I have an over sense of responsibility. Which is good societal wise but not so much on the individual level. I was only once ever suicidal (at 13) but after that I had a choice to make and I found my way, so haven't been sense. The self harming bit was just my way to treat my stomach condition.