I don't get life

[nzlotrfan]

This may be long..
Internet, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've made so many poor choices over the years, and despite being saved back in 2013, I feel like I don't measure up when it comes to just being a Christian in the world. I still struggle with the things I struggled with before I was saved. I still struggle with porn. I still struggle with same sex attraction (SSA). - My coming to faith story is in short; I struggled with SSA all through my teen years never wanting to believe in God because he condemned homosexuality (I thought I was gay). And then in 2013 I moved to another city and met this girl at university whom I found immensely attractive, we began dating. Then a month later I suddenly woke up one Sunday morning hearing the Holy Spirit speak to me telling me that I needed to go to church and get right with God. And so that night I went to a local church I had visited once before and I became a true Christian. Anyway, fast forward and I've spent the past three years trying to change my life and my ways with Christ's help.
I had always struggled with friendships and never formed meaningful/deep friendships with anyone. And as mentioned, I have always struggled with porn since first being exposed to it at around 8 or 9 years old.
Two years passed and this girl I met at uni, we broke up, for a range of reasons. Since our relationship ended at the beginning of last year, I finally found a church in my hometown that I felt I could connect in with, and I began attending a local interchurch guys prayer group. It has helped me a lot. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had finally found some people where I could actually perhaps build meaningful friendships with. But then enter in my confusion. I don't know what's wrong, but I really struggle to grow friendships. I feel that though I've met some real awesome people, I feel like my relations with them are always so superficial, and I honestly on numerous occasion have just felt like giving up. I think this is in part due to never observing meaningful friendships being built with my parents as they split up when I was younger and they didn't really have friends either. So I honestly feel like I just don't know how to do friendships. I'm always trying to please people, although learning to handle that better. And any time when someone asks for my opinion I get embarrassed because I guess I fear rejection. And then people look at me getting embarrassed and think I'm weird - even my Christian friends - it feels anyway. I really fear rejection, because I'm so used to loneliness anytime I stick myself out there and fail I'm reminded of my current state. I honestly feel like I don't know how to friendship. I don't know what it means to be a good friend. I feel like I don't know how to love sometimes. I don't know what it means to be able to talk to someone when you're feeling down and just expect them to listen and genuinely care.

To add to this, I've been really intentionally trying to form guy friends as I know having same sex friends is important. But I think because of my stupid sexual history with guys and prostituting myself out to older men, I just find it hard.. Plus at the end of last year I actually shared my testimony of coming to Christ to part of my church (small group), that was my first ever mentioning of my secret life to anyone that in the Christian community, and while I had a few encouraging comments straight afterwards. Nothing was ever mentioned again. And I feel like need help, I need to talk about it, I need to do something.
Then enter the beginning of this year. I had been for a short holiday with my Dad to large city, but I really struggled because I seemed to find so many of the people on the street incredibly attractive as I walked down each day. The town where I live is much smaller and so I don't tend to find it an issue where I live. Anyway, I became so inflamed by my lust towards all these attractive people, that the week after we arrived back home, I downloaded a tinder-like-app for gay people and I had a week (well five or so days) where I just slept around with a new guy each night for that whole week.
It was the first time I had gone down that path since coming to Christ in 2013.

With that all said, I just don't get life. I feel I try so hard so often to try and love people, to open up to others, to listen to others, to care for others, to read my Bible frequently, to pray everyday. But I just feel like I am a world behind everyone else. It seems like no one else understands me. I come home sometimes after social gatherings at church and just cry because I don't know why i can't connect with others. I don't know what to do with all of these thoughts and past experiences that I've had. I feel like I am not close enough to any of my Christian 'friends' to confess my sin of earlier this year or even just any struggles such as porn. But I don't know when that closeness is even reached. I just feel like I'm trapped, I missed that groundwork that everyone else seems to have gotten, and that the devil has me attached to a string that he pulls once or twice a week to keep me bogged down with sin. I feel like I want to give up but I really wish this could all just sort out - I wish I didn't feel like I'm living a lie.

I hope that makes sense. It was more of just what I was thinking expressed into words, but not necessarily in the best order and I also didn't proof read.
Thanks for reading.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Nobody gets life. If we have it all figured out we will not be needing God's help. Honor and trust God anyway. Its what we were created for. Everything else is a useless distraction or deception. God bless.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Nobody gets life. If we have it all figured out we will not be needing God's help. Honor and trust God anyway. Its what we were created for. Everything else is a useless distraction or deception. God bless.

 

[Hungry]

I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate with you about making friendships. I don't really have any close friends. I've got hundreds of acquaintances but nobody I would say is a good friend. My parents were divorced when I was young and I moved schools a lot so I never really connected with anybody growing up so you might be on to something there. I can shed some light on some of the other problems you are dealing with.

Firstly, I congratulate you on answering the call by our Father to Christ. The yearning to "clean up" the sin in your life is evidence of the Holy Spirit at work within you. I never found anything helpful in church that was fundamental in controlling the desire for sin. Everything I'm telling you was a result of God answering me directly through prayer. It all lines up with scripture so I know it's true but many churches preach how to be good church goer and they tell you scripture but it had never been explained to me adequately to be effective.

Its starts with creation. All of creation, the ecosystem, works just like our bodies. It is a series of factors keeping balance. Everything on the planet has a function just as everything in our body has a function, the same Creator made them both. It is all to perpetuate balance. All animals have life and function and act instinctively fulfilling their purpose as intended. Its like our hormones, enzymes, immune systems act instinctively within our body. They are just reactive to each other even though it appears they are cognitive the way they attack infections and adapt our bodies to best handle to the situations we put ourselves through (like hormones build muscle when we struggle physically at a task). In short our bodies are a bio-electro-mechanical machine, designed to adapt to every circumstance here on earth. It functions just like all of the other mammals that God created to fulfill his purposes. It is even equipped to perpetuate itself instinctively as the other animals do. All of these attributes are "of the flesh". Humans are separate however in that we have a spirit that is eternal. God originally created us to watch over His creation, work for Him. That is why people feel satisfied most when they are productive, its how we are wired. Anyways it is our spirit that possesses the Godlike attributes like love and selflessness, and benevolence. There is a duality or dichotomy about us that these two forces within us battle for our will. The flesh is programmed for survival for the here and now and our spirit is connected, kind of like wifi to our Creator, to enact His will. The Holy Spirit is like the wifi signal or router that unscrambles our connection and belief in Christ is like the security code or password. When Christ died He opened the link for all who believe. When this happens it doesn't wipe out our programming for survival but when we stay connected to God we allow Him to use us for His will. Most of what we want in this world are all for comfort and perpetuation (sex). Homosexuality is a fault in the programming. As Christians, Christ set us free from our fleshy program by connecting us to the Master Programmer and He can rewrite our software "offsite". However, we need to stay connected to him because when we start accessing our old program, living for the flesh, we disallow Him to have control of us. One day this flesh will die and all of the programs for survival with it. Whether we have chosen to allow the Creator to have access for control in this life, even though we had to ignore our flesh, will determine the outcome when the flesh is no more.

I hope this helps. Everybody struggles with desires of the flesh but you don't have to obey it. I heard it was said that there is like two men living in us whose will opposes each other, the one who wins the battles is the one you feed the most. Read your Bible and stop watching porn.

 

[Ugly]

You're a lot more normal than you think.
Firstly you are probably doing a better job at 'being a friend' than you think. But you overthink it. And opening up to people isn't always easy. It takes time for a person to build up your trust. Perhaps these people simply haven't earned your trust yet? Not to the degree you need. And probably there is also a bit of reluctance on your part, from that fear or rejection.
But mostly it sounds like you are trying to walk before you can crawl. Slow down. You don't have to get all this down fast. In fact, some of this stuff should Never been done quickly, or very rarely. Opening up about your past can be difficult for anyone. And with having a past such as yours, even a recent past, can be scary when dealing with a group that has a reputation for being less than receiving to people with such histories, which is sad.
Also, stop trying so hard. Don't try to care. Maybe start by thinking about someone you know who has been through something rough recently and think on it and about how you feel about it. How you feel about them and for them. Chances are there's more caring there than you think, you just have not learned to tap into it. So rather than jumping in the deep end begin exploring it more alone in your thoughts.
Then you can think what kinds of responses might be good? What might evoke a negative reaction? That way your mind is already geared towards knowing how to talk to people in certain situations.
Combining these two efforts, and give it a little time, and things will start to become easier.

I am a person that has spent much of my life feeling as though i did not know how to react to certain situations. For many years i looked to TV on how i should handle situations with people, which obviously did not work. It's taken a lot of time, but i am slowly learning to tap into how that person may feel, then ask myself how i'd feel in that situation. Then respond to them accordingly. It's not natural for me either.

As far as 'measuring up' as a Christian, i understand what you mean. I feel that way 24/7. And i was saved roughly 25 years ago. Part of that is your choices, yes, but part of it is that we Don't measure up. And we Can't. That's what God gives us grace for. That's what Christ's sacrifice was for. Because, as God puts it, 'our righteous is as filthy rags' to God.

Being a Christian is a life long struggle. There is no point where you have 'arrived'. Not while we're still in these bodies. I've been struggling with some things longer than you have been alive. But i haven't given up trying.

Personally i don't usually have much in the way of guy friends. And i'm fine with that most of the time. But my personal situation it works out ok for. Other people have different needs and situations where that may not benefit them. Find out what your need is and focus on that, instead of doing what you think you're obliged to do. And in the future that may change. Life is all about growth and change. Just be honest with yourself and your motives and don't lock yourself in, but be willing to change if and when it becomes necessary.

 

[HisHolly]

We share a super similar story. I gave my life to Christ back in 2009. Struggled with liking women until 2013. Still feel like nobody gets me or wants to. Like I'm too dirty for them.. I was a stripper for many yrs. Feel free to assume the worst bc I probably did it.
Somethings take time and persistence to break free from bc we built it so deep in our lives..
God is faithful and just.
Also God wants u first before you rely on others. Probably why no real friendship has formed. The Hebrews we led out of bondage to the mountain to meet God before Hed direct them to where to go.. likewise, He wants a relationship with you that superior to any other..
Everything will fall in place.. keep pursuing..

 

[blue_ladybug]

NOBODY "gets" life. We only try to live it the best we can.

 

[HisHolly]

NOBODY "gets" life. We only try to live it the best we can.

I really thought you'd encourage him and tell him some way that he can learn from your stories.. I was going to say how I admire your encouragement to others and your willingness to be open and honest with hopes someone learns something..
Not everyone dares to be so brave.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I really thought you'd encourage him and tell him some way that he can learn from your stories.. I was going to say how I admire your encouragement to others and your willingness to be open and honest with hopes someone learns something..
Not everyone dares to be so brave.

Well thank you, Holly. That's why my threads are in my signature. To the OP, you're more than welcome to read my true-life battles. And feel free to PM me anytime..

 

[HisHolly]

You're welcome

 

[TheAristocat]

This may be long..
Internet, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've made so many poor choices over the years, and despite being saved back in 2013, I feel like I don't measure up when it comes to just being a Christian in the world. I still struggle with the things I struggled with before I was saved. I still struggle with porn. I still struggle with same sex attraction (SSA). - My coming to faith story is in short; I struggled with SSA all through my teen years never wanting to believe in God because he condemned homosexuality (I thought I was gay). And then in 2013 I moved to another city and met this girl at university whom I found immensely attractive, we began dating. Then a month later I suddenly woke up one Sunday morning hearing the Holy Spirit speak to me telling me that I needed to go to church and get right with God. And so that night I went to a local church I had visited once before and I became a true Christian. Anyway, fast forward and I've spent the past three years trying to change my life and my ways with Christ's help.
I had always struggled with friendships and never formed meaningful/deep friendships with anyone. And as mentioned, I have always struggled with porn since first being exposed to it at around 8 or 9 years old.
Two years passed and this girl I met at uni, we broke up, for a range of reasons. Since our relationship ended at the beginning of last year, I finally found a church in my hometown that I felt I could connect in with, and I began attending a local interchurch guys prayer group. It has helped me a lot. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had finally found some people where I could actually perhaps build meaningful friendships with. But then enter in my confusion. I don't know what's wrong, but I really struggle to grow friendships. I feel that though I've met some real awesome people, I feel like my relations with them are always so superficial, and I honestly on numerous occasion have just felt like giving up. I think this is in part due to never observing meaningful friendships being built with my parents as they split up when I was younger and they didn't really have friends either. So I honestly feel like I just don't know how to do friendships. I'm always trying to please people, although learning to handle that better. And any time when someone asks for my opinion I get embarrassed because I guess I fear rejection. And then people look at me getting embarrassed and think I'm weird - even my Christian friends - it feels anyway. I really fear rejection, because I'm so used to loneliness anytime I stick myself out there and fail I'm reminded of my current state. I honestly feel like I don't know how to friendship. I don't know what it means to be a good friend. I feel like I don't know how to love sometimes. I don't know what it means to be able to talk to someone when you're feeling down and just expect them to listen and genuinely care.

To add to this, I've been really intentionally trying to form guy friends as I know having same sex friends is important. But I think because of my stupid sexual history with guys and prostituting myself out to older men, I just find it hard.. Plus at the end of last year I actually shared my testimony of coming to Christ to part of my church (small group), that was my first ever mentioning of my secret life to anyone that in the Christian community, and while I had a few encouraging comments straight afterwards. Nothing was ever mentioned again. And I feel like need help, I need to talk about it, I need to do something.
Then enter the beginning of this year. I had been for a short holiday with my Dad to large city, but I really struggled because I seemed to find so many of the people on the street incredibly attractive as I walked down each day. The town where I live is much smaller and so I don't tend to find it an issue where I live. Anyway, I became so inflamed by my lust towards all these attractive people, that the week after we arrived back home, I downloaded a tinder-like-app for gay people and I had a week (well five or so days) where I just slept around with a new guy each night for that whole week.
It was the first time I had gone down that path since coming to Christ in 2013.

With that all said, I just don't get life. I feel I try so hard so often to try and love people, to open up to others, to listen to others, to care for others, to read my Bible frequently, to pray everyday. But I just feel like I am a world behind everyone else. It seems like no one else understands me. I come home sometimes after social gatherings at church and just cry because I don't know why i can't connect with others. I don't know what to do with all of these thoughts and past experiences that I've had. I feel like I am not close enough to any of my Christian 'friends' to confess my sin of earlier this year or even just any struggles such as porn. But I don't know when that closeness is even reached. I just feel like I'm trapped, I missed that groundwork that everyone else seems to have gotten, and that the devil has me attached to a string that he pulls once or twice a week to keep me bogged down with sin. I feel like I want to give up but I really wish this could all just sort out - I wish I didn't feel like I'm living a lie.

I hope that makes sense. It was more of just what I was thinking expressed into words, but not necessarily in the best order and I also didn't proof read.
Thanks for reading.

There's a lot of pain in this world, so as Ugly said, you are probably pretty normal. But I don't think you should be happy where your life is. You seem like you are bisexual to me. And I see homosexual men being more open to sex with you than women, because a lot of women need to feel loved, whereas with men it's more physical. But if you keep going down this path it's going to have some really bad consequences.

I appreciate you sharing something so private as this with us. That takes courage (or the anonymity of the internet lol). But maybe you can tap into that anonymity for that need for a more personal friendship. It may not be your ideal scenario, but it's a start. And a start in the right direction is better than never starting. Maybe you can search out some online Christian groups for this sort of thing. And keep up praying to God and talking to him. I think if you're going to have a love affair with another man, the only man you should be doing that with is Jesus. Bare your heart to him. Talk to him not as a God who wants to punish you but as a friend who has an open ear. Just let him hear you out, keep connecting with Christians online and see where that leads.

A lot of smokers try to quit cold turkey. If you're not strong enough to break an addiction in that way, then you can start on the spiritual "patch". Try limiting your addiction. Slowly get yourself off of it. Take a good look at your priorities in life, and manage your lust accordingly. If masturbation stops that lust. Then masturbation it is. If speaking to Jesus fills that void, then speak to him.

I read a piece of wisdom dealing with addictions and lifestyle changes, and I'd like to share it with you, because it applies to everyone (yes, normal people like us):

Judas had the best pastor, the best leader, the wisest teacher, the best friend. And he failed. The problem isn't the leadership or the church you go to. If your attitude doesn't change or your character become transformed, then you will always be the same.

 

[Hungry]

There's a lot of pain in this world, so as Ugly said, you are probably pretty normal. But I don't think you should be happy where your life is. You seem like you are bisexual to me. And I see homosexual men being more open to sex with you than women, because a lot of women need to feel loved, whereas with men it's more physical. But if you keep going down this path it's going to have some really bad consequences.

I appreciate you sharing something so private as this with us. That takes courage (or the anonymity of the internet lol). But maybe you can tap into that anonymity for that need for a more personal friendship. It may not be your ideal scenario, but it's a start. And a start in the right direction is better than never starting. Maybe you can search out some online Christian groups for this sort of thing. And keep up praying to God and talking to him. I think if you're going to have a love affair with another man, the only man you should be doing that with is Jesus. Bare your heart to him. Talk to him not as a God who wants to punish you but as a friend who has an open ear. Just let him hear you out, keep connecting with Christians online and see where that leads.

A lot of smokers try to quit cold turkey. If you're not strong enough to break an addiction in that way, then you can start on the spiritual "patch". Try limiting your addiction. Slowly get yourself off of it. Take a good look at your priorities in life, and manage your lust accordingly. If masturbation stops that lust. Then masturbation it is. If speaking to Jesus fills that void, then speak to him.

I read a piece of wisdom dealing with addictions and lifestyle changes, and I'd like to share it with you, because it applies to everyone (yes, normal people like us):

No offense, but repent means repent. If you understood how dopamine works in the brain you would understand elimination is the best way to effectively deal with a bad habit.

 

[nzlotrfan]

I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate with you about making friendships. I don't really have any close friends. I've got hundreds of acquaintances but nobody I would say is a good friend. My parents were divorced when I was young and I moved schools a lot so I never really connected with anybody growing up so you might be on to something there. I can shed some light on some of the other problems you are dealing with.

Firstly, I congratulate you on answering the call by our Father to Christ. The yearning to "clean up" the sin in your life is evidence of the Holy Spirit at work within you. I never found anything helpful in church that was fundamental in controlling the desire for sin. Everything I'm telling you was a result of God answering me directly through prayer. It all lines up with scripture so I know it's true but many churches preach how to be good church goer and they tell you scripture but it had never been explained to me adequately to be effective.

Its starts with creation. All of creation, the ecosystem, works just like our bodies. It is a series of factors keeping balance. Everything on the planet has a function just as everything in our body has a function, the same Creator made them both. It is all to perpetuate balance. All animals have life and function and act instinctively fulfilling their purpose as intended. Its like our hormones, enzymes, immune systems act instinctively within our body. They are just reactive to each other even though it appears they are cognitive the way they attack infections and adapt our bodies to best handle to the situations we put ourselves through (like hormones build muscle when we struggle physically at a task). In short our bodies are a bio-electro-mechanical machine, designed to adapt to every circumstance here on earth. It functions just like all of the other mammals that God created to fulfill his purposes. It is even equipped to perpetuate itself instinctively as the other animals do. All of these attributes are "of the flesh". Humans are separate however in that we have a spirit that is eternal. God originally created us to watch over His creation, work for Him. That is why people feel satisfied most when they are productive, its how we are wired. Anyways it is our spirit that possesses the Godlike attributes like love and selflessness, and benevolence. There is a duality or dichotomy about us that these two forces within us battle for our will. The flesh is programmed for survival for the here and now and our spirit is connected, kind of like wifi to our Creator, to enact His will. The Holy Spirit is like the wifi signal or router that unscrambles our connection and belief in Christ is like the security code or password. When Christ died He opened the link for all who believe. When this happens it doesn't wipe out our programming for survival but when we stay connected to God we allow Him to use us for His will. Most of what we want in this world are all for comfort and perpetuation (sex). Homosexuality is a fault in the programming. As Christians, Christ set us free from our fleshy program by connecting us to the Master Programmer and He can rewrite our software "offsite". However, we need to stay connected to him because when we start accessing our old program, living for the flesh, we disallow Him to have control of us. One day this flesh will die and all of the programs for survival with it. Whether we have chosen to allow the Creator to have access for control in this life, even though we had to ignore our flesh, will determine the outcome when the flesh is no more.

I hope this helps. Everybody struggles with desires of the flesh but you don't have to obey it. I heard it was said that there is like two men living in us whose will opposes each other, the one who wins the battles is the one you feed the most. Read your Bible and stop watching porn.

Hey Hungry, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I found your discussion on creation quite intriguing, especially with your analogies. I've heard mentioned that when Jesus returns and restores the world, we will live with him without sin. It's a strange thing to think about, how can we possibly live without sin? But what you've mentioned provides a reminder and clarity that we will not have these fleshy bodies in heaven. We will always struggle until we have these bodies no more. In the meantime, we (I) need to learn how to put off the old self with all of its desires and put on Christ instead. Simply deny the 'old programming' and seek God instead (through his Word and prayer). Thanks for your input!

 

[nzlotrfan]

You're a lot more normal than you think.
Firstly you are probably doing a better job at 'being a friend' than you think. But you overthink it. And opening up to people isn't always easy. It takes time for a person to build up your trust. Perhaps these people simply haven't earned your trust yet? Not to the degree you need. And probably there is also a bit of reluctance on your part, from that fear or rejection.
But mostly it sounds like you are trying to walk before you can crawl. Slow down. You don't have to get all this down fast. In fact, some of this stuff should Never been done quickly, or very rarely. Opening up about your past can be difficult for anyone. And with having a past such as yours, even a recent past, can be scary when dealing with a group that has a reputation for being less than receiving to people with such histories, which is sad.
Also, stop trying so hard. Don't try to care. Maybe start by thinking about someone you know who has been through something rough recently and think on it and about how you feel about it. How you feel about them and for them. Chances are there's more caring there than you think, you just have not learned to tap into it. So rather than jumping in the deep end begin exploring it more alone in your thoughts.
Then you can think what kinds of responses might be good? What might evoke a negative reaction? That way your mind is already geared towards knowing how to talk to people in certain situations.
Combining these two efforts, and give it a little time, and things will start to become easier.

I am a person that has spent much of my life feeling as though i did not know how to react to certain situations. For many years i looked to TV on how i should handle situations with people, which obviously did not work. It's taken a lot of time, but i am slowly learning to tap into how that person may feel, then ask myself how i'd feel in that situation. Then respond to them accordingly. It's not natural for me either.

As far as 'measuring up' as a Christian, i understand what you mean. I feel that way 24/7. And i was saved roughly 25 years ago. Part of that is your choices, yes, but part of it is that we Don't measure up. And we Can't. That's what God gives us grace for. That's what Christ's sacrifice was for. Because, as God puts it, 'our righteous is as filthy rags' to God.

Being a Christian is a life long struggle. There is no point where you have 'arrived'. Not while we're still in these bodies. I've been struggling with some things longer than you have been alive. But i haven't given up trying.

Personally i don't usually have much in the way of guy friends. And i'm fine with that most of the time. But my personal situation it works out ok for. Other people have different needs and situations where that may not benefit them. Find out what your need is and focus on that, instead of doing what you think you're obliged to do. And in the future that may change. Life is all about growth and change. Just be honest with yourself and your motives and don't lock yourself in, but be willing to change if and when it becomes necessary.

My my, your first few opening sentences described me to a T indeed. Thanks for writing that, it does make me feel a bit more normal the fact you could see that about me through my post. I shall certainly mull over your points, esp the part you mentioned about sitting down and thinking of some good things to say to a person I know who has been struggling themselves. Thanks for the rest of your message too, so appreciated

 

[nzlotrfan]

We share a super similar story. I gave my life to Christ back in 2009. Struggled with liking women until 2013. Still feel like nobody gets me or wants to. Like I'm too dirty for them.. I was a stripper for many yrs. Feel free to assume the worst bc I probably did it.
Somethings take time and persistence to break free from bc we built it so deep in our lives..
God is faithful and just.
Also God wants u first before you rely on others. Probably why no real friendship has formed. The Hebrews we led out of bondage to the mountain to meet God before Hed direct them to where to go.. likewise, He wants a relationship with you that superior to any other..
Everything will fall in place.. keep pursuing..

Thanks for sharing HisHolly - I totally understand what you mean and I so value your input. In a strange way it's comforting to know that others have come from a dark place of sexual immorality also, and into the light. Sometimes it is easy to think that we are 'too dirty' because we may not have the most 'typical' coming to faith testimony. I know that's how I feel sometimes, too embarrassed to share my coming to faith story with full transparency. But ultimately, in a perfect world, our Christian brothers and sisters should comfort us, talk with us, love us, as we all fall short of the glory of God no matter what. I also appreciate what you said about friendships -- I think that's quite right to be honest. I know I'm not spending enough time with God, in his word. Getting priorities in order can be quite difficult I find.

Can I ask you how you came to know Jesus?

 

[nzlotrfan]

Thanks to everyone for your replies to my message, I so do appreciate you taking the time to write comments and they have helped a bit already. So thanks

 

[TheAristocat]

No offense, but repent means repent. If you understood how dopamine works in the brain you would understand elimination is the best way to effectively deal with a bad habit.

Repent in the Biblical sense means to take a new path. I believe that for many people there is a path before there is a destination. If you've fallen a long way, then your journey back will be a long one. If you've fallen a short way, then it will be a short one. What your post says to me is: once you become a Christian you will cease to sin. No you won't. But if you believe, then you will start to sin less.

 

[Hungry]

Repent in the Biblical sense means to take a new path. I believe that for many people there is a path before there is a destination. If you've fallen a long way, then your journey back will be a long one. If you've fallen a short way, then it will be a short one. What your post says to me is: once you become a Christian you will cease to sin. No you won't. But if you believe, then you will start to sin less.

I've heard repent literally means if you are walking down a path, you turn around (do a 180 turn) and go the other way. Regardless, as long as you continue to allow yourself to be tempted then you will sin. So why tempt yourself with sexual immorality. In order to masturbate you need to view or think of lustful thoughts. Those thoughts coupled with ejaculation trigger a dopamine release in the brain sending a "reward message" causing us to want to do it again. This is the cause of ALL addiction. God designed this reward message for a spouse, to form a bond and procreate. Once you cause a dopamine imprint in your brain, you will always crave it but omission weakens the desire. That's why alcoholics can't be occasional drinkers. Since you mentioned smoking I can tell you this. I worked in a kitchen with several smokers and we all quit together. There was seven of us. Five went cold turkey and two used things like the patch. After a month the patch users were smoking again. Years later the cold turkey quitters were still not smoking. As long as you keep a flame going for your sin you will get burnt. I understand that we are all trapped in these fleshy prisons and stumble from time to time, but saying that there is no control over it is calling God a liar. If you don't want to sin stay as far from temptation as possible.

 

[Ugly]

My my, your first few opening sentences described me to a T indeed. Thanks for writing that, it does make me feel a bit more normal the fact you could see that about me through my post. I shall certainly mull over your points, esp the part you mentioned about sitting down and thinking of some good things to say to a person I know who has been struggling themselves. Thanks for the rest of your message too, so appreciated

The ironic thing is people view their struggles as unique, when in reality, much of it is all the same. Same feelings. Same reactions. Same misunderstandings. And same belief that their situation is somehow different than everyone elses. The things i pointed out are all what's common to someone feeling how you do. That's how it's so easy to read it.
And i don't say that to diminish how you're feeling. Pain is pain, even if it's basically the same as many others, it still is personal to you.

 

[missy2014]

This may be long..
Internet, I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've made so many poor choices over the years, and despite being saved back in 2013, I feel like I don't measure up when it comes to just being a Christian in the world. I still struggle with the things I struggled with before I was saved. I still struggle with porn. I still struggle with same sex attraction (SSA). - My coming to faith story is in short; I struggled with SSA all through my teen years never wanting to believe in God because he condemned homosexuality (I thought I was gay). And then in 2013 I moved to another city and met this girl at university whom I found immensely attractive, we began dating. Then a month later I suddenly woke up one Sunday morning hearing the Holy Spirit speak to me telling me that I needed to go to church and get right with God. And so that night I went to a local church I had visited once before and I became a true Christian. Anyway, fast forward and I've spent the past three years trying to change my life and my ways with Christ's help.
I had always struggled with friendships and never formed meaningful/deep friendships with anyone. And as mentioned, I have always struggled with porn since first being exposed to it at around 8 or 9 years old.
Two years passed and this girl I met at uni, we broke up, for a range of reasons. Since our relationship ended at the beginning of last year, I finally found a church in my hometown that I felt I could connect in with, and I began attending a local interchurch guys prayer group. It has helped me a lot. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had finally found some people where I could actually perhaps build meaningful friendships with. But then enter in my confusion. I don't know what's wrong, but I really struggle to grow friendships. I feel that though I've met some real awesome people, I feel like my relations with them are always so superficial, and I honestly on numerous occasion have just felt like giving up. I think this is in part due to never observing meaningful friendships being built with my parents as they split up when I was younger and they didn't really have friends either. So I honestly feel like I just don't know how to do friendships. I'm always trying to please people, although learning to handle that better. And any time when someone asks for my opinion I get embarrassed because I guess I fear rejection. And then people look at me getting embarrassed and think I'm weird - even my Christian friends - it feels anyway. I really fear rejection, because I'm so used to loneliness anytime I stick myself out there and fail I'm reminded of my current state. I honestly feel like I don't know how to friendship. I don't know what it means to be a good friend. I feel like I don't know how to love sometimes. I don't know what it means to be able to talk to someone when you're feeling down and just expect them to listen and genuinely care.

To add to this, I've been really intentionally trying to form guy friends as I know having same sex friends is important. But I think because of my stupid sexual history with guys and prostituting myself out to older men, I just find it hard.. Plus at the end of last year I actually shared my testimony of coming to Christ to part of my church (small group), that was my first ever mentioning of my secret life to anyone that in the Christian community, and while I had a few encouraging comments straight afterwards. Nothing was ever mentioned again. And I feel like need help, I need to talk about it, I need to do something.
Then enter the beginning of this year. I had been for a short holiday with my Dad to large city, but I really struggled because I seemed to find so many of the people on the street incredibly attractive as I walked down each day. The town where I live is much smaller and so I don't tend to find it an issue where I live. Anyway, I became so inflamed by my lust towards all these attractive people, that the week after we arrived back home, I downloaded a tinder-like-app for gay people and I had a week (well five or so days) where I just slept around with a new guy each night for that whole week.
It was the first time I had gone down that path since coming to Christ in 2013.

With that all said, I just don't get life. I feel I try so hard so often to try and love people, to open up to others, to listen to others, to care for others, to read my Bible frequently, to pray everyday. But I just feel like I am a world behind everyone else. It seems like no one else understands me. I come home sometimes after social gatherings at church and just cry because I don't know why i can't connect with others. I don't know what to do with all of these thoughts and past experiences that I've had. I feel like I am not close enough to any of my Christian 'friends' to confess my sin of earlier this year or even just any struggles such as porn. But I don't know when that closeness is even reached. I just feel like I'm trapped, I missed that groundwork that everyone else seems to have gotten, and that the devil has me attached to a string that he pulls once or twice a week to keep me bogged down with sin. I feel like I want to give up but I really wish this could all just sort out - I wish I didn't feel like I'm living a lie.

I hope that makes sense. It was more of just what I was thinking expressed into words, but not necessarily in the best order and I also didn't proof read.
Thanks for reading.

@ as others have shared weve dealt with the same or similar sin you did in the past
Ive shared on CC that I : had a demonic spirit in me which gave me desires to be a lesbian
got drunk once
and ended up in a strip club

All those plus more were were difficult to deal with I went to a prayer ministry Bethany healing rooms and God delivered me with a month I was a Christian and I never walked out on God and probably was why I didn't practice the homosexual life I was delivered pretty quick it felt so gross but I want to encourage you no matter what God loves you and he wants to cleanse you , deliver heal you from the sexual sin. Once God delivered me "my chains fell off my heart was free" Christian lyrics and I never had those yucky desires for women again. So that's my encouragement forget about the fear and the people at the local prayer ministry were so lovely I felt so safe in God's presence.

- the clubbing and drinking stopped when God used a very personal song from Christian rapper KJ52 the lyrics described me and I cried because I felt someone understood me (God) and also Please read Mary K Baxters book on a revelation of hell I stopped drinking clubbing because of that book. Learn from God learn as much as you out of God teaching about life. the way God will help you repent may be different how he speaks to you in helping you to repent in each area of sin ie my deliverance came through asking for my brothers and sisters to pray with me (it was wonderful) but I read a book on a lady whom God showed her Hell and that song the book warned me scared me and God did all all glory and honor to him I don't drink anymore.

@ Holly I guess some people are scared with your testimony because its a reflection of themselves meaning their scared God will shine the light on their sins and expose them but really God's light is awesome exposing dark stuff in me "Where the Spirit of the Lord is their is freedom" I find the more you Holly encourage me with your life story the more I find the courage to open up.

don't give up Hell aint worth it remind yourself youre saved God wants you with him in heaven like Ive said Jesus will set you free but each individual life he does in a unique way.