I really need help

[Kinley]

I am a 33 year old married woman with four kids. I met my husband in college and we got married shortly after graduating because I found out I was pregnant. He is a really nice, laid back, easy going guy-especially with the kids. I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom for the past 3 years after giving birth to twins. I have never felt a connection to my husband. I have never felt that he was truly the one for me. When we first met, I really didn't want to be with him but decided to give it a try because he was a really nice guy and I kinda felt "obligated". Throughout my entire marriage, I have always had thoughts about my first love. I was 13 when we met and he was 17. After HS, we both managed to stay in touch with one another off and on. The last time I talked to him was in 1999- the year I got pregnant with my daughter.After that, we kind of lost contact with each other as I moved several times and so did he. I married my husband in 2000. From this point on, I tried to focus on my marriage and kids and enjoy life but I always felt something was missing. I would always end up thinking about my first love and wondering how things would have been if we were together. Well, about 6 months ago, my first love contacted me via classmates.com and we got a chance to reunite. I found out that he's been married just as long as I have and he has a 14 year old daughter. I told him that I still loved him and he told me that he felt the same way. We both agreed that we couldn't be together because of our situations. I have met up with him a couple of times and we've kissed but nothing else. I have become emotionally attached to him and I really really want to be with him. I'm at the point now, where I have mentally checked out of my marriage. I have no feelings for my husband. I think abouit my first love daily. He is the first thing that's on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. Lately, he's been kind of distant from me and told me that he wanted to continue to be friends and that he could not communicate with me that much. In the beginning we would text each other all day-literally! Now I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am about to lose my mind. He will not talk to me. He will not respond to any of my emails. He will not answer my calls. He just went cold turkey on me. I am devastated because I have been knowing this guy for 20 plus years and never would have imagined that he would treat me this way. I know that my husband knows that there is something wrong. He's now depressed because I am depressed and I don't talk to him or have sex with him anymore. I told my husband that he deserves better and that he should move on with his life. I want my first love. I don't know why he refuses to communicate with me. But I have been praying to GOD that he sends him back into my life. I really believe that he is my soulmate. I can't get him off of my mind. I really need someone that I can talk to help get me through this. I have left out alot of details because this has been going on for 6 months and I didn't want to make this post too long. But i would appreciate any feedback.

 

[lightbliss]

Well, you're married so, you should communicate with you husband, try to be close to him.


I'll be praying for you.

*You should have posted this in the Family Forum.

 

[ShelleBelle76]

I am going to give you a straight and honest response, and I really hope you do not take offense to it.

I'm not exactly sure what you need help with, because I am sure you have some inkling of where you are going wrong here, whether you are happy to admit it or not. You are a married woman. Whether or not you are happy with that decision or feel it was a bad choice is of little consequence. You make a commitment to a man to live as husband and wife, you had a family with this man and now you are being unfaithful in your marriage.

This is where marriages fail. You do not have the luxury to just "check out" whenever you feel like you do not care about the other person. You obviously felt at one time like you would be able to build a life with this man, or you would not have married him. I know you did not marry him with intention of failing at the marriage. It is easy to idealize a relationship that you don't have. By thinking about this other person for so many years, you only have that relationship you have built in your mind and of course, that is going to be perfect. I promise you no relationship is perfect and I guarantee the reality iis nothing like what you have built up in your mind.

Dispite that, you and this other man are both married. You are both wrong for even opening the door to these feelings. You are betraying your commitment to your husband and you are praying for God to send this inappropriate relationship back to you? Seriously? Do you think you have any chance at all of God giving you something that goes completely against His commandments? Get real! If you do get this man back, I promise you it will not be because God opens that door. Instead of praying for God to open the door for you to be with this man who is not your husband, maybe you should try focusing on the marriage commitment you made and pray for God to help you to love your husband so you can honor your marriage vows, in accordance with God's will.

You are chasing a fantasy, and in the process may end up destroying something very good. You may not realize how well you have it, and how much your husband deserves for you to make an effort in your relationship. You are wrong here, my dear. And I hope for the sake of your family you realize this and do whatever it takes to get your priorities on track. Commitment is not always about feelings. It is about doing the riight thing, even when you DON'T feel like it. As long as you are focusing your attention elsewhere, you will never give your marriage the appropriate effort. And it sounds like your attention has been else where from the very beginning, so have you ever truly given your husband a complete chance?

It's like people have told me about developing a relationship with God... spend quality time with Him, and the feelings will grow. But you have to be willing and stop fighting it and know that you are not going to give yourself an easy out, so you might as well give up and let yourself love him.

 

[Dread_Zeppelin]

I'm going to have to give you a little tough love in the name of Jesus, sister.

This other man has a wife who loves him, and I'm sure the reason he's lost all contact with you is because he loves her too and values their marriage. You've essentially made "your first love" the poster boy for the life you could have had but dont- and honestly its not fair to your husband or anyone else. I'm sorry you dont love your husband. You should contact a marriage councilor if you're unhappy- the husband you have now is your soul mate and should be your only soul mate according to God.

I could be very wrong but I'm going to assume from what you wrote that you've projected all your happiness into this unobtainable person. In which case you should start taking control of your own life and appreciate what you have: your kids, yourself, and your husband. By contacting your "first love" you are essencially trying to seduce him out of his marriage. You can get angry at me but I know a lot about this situation and you'll avoid a lot of heartache if you do what's right in God's eyes.

If your man hasn't contacted you I would thank God that nothing happened that you would regret. Having an affair or fantasing about one is hard to justify to hurt family members and God. Its one of those things that wreck you from the inside out.

 

[zeroturbulence]

You arent in love with your first sweetheart. You are in love with the fantasy that you have of him. The truth is that if you did marry your first sweetheart you would find out after knowing him and being intimate with him that he is just as imperfect and human as everyone else. The grass is always going to be greener on the other side of the fence.

What you need to do is figure out what is missing in your own marriage. Why is it that your thoughts are far from home? You say that you never really loved your husband. Maybe you never really gave him a chance. I dont know, its just a suggestion. From your description he seems like a good guy. Maybe you have an unrealistic view of what a marriage should be like...once again I dont know, just a suggestion. The feeling Im getting is that there is no spark in your marriage. Its just a grind now to you. Well if that is the case you are in luck because there are ways to fix that. Im not a marriage counselor but I can tell you that making time to be with your husband for alone time iis really essential. You guys need to start doing fun things together where there are no distractions. Schedule some quality time. Go see a movie or a concert or a play or take dance classes or whatever. Dont just have dinner, it has to be something that takes the attention off the two of you otherwise it could backfire and become a time to argue about stuff. Something to think about anyway.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Kinley,

I know where your comin from with this. I've been there myself, where you just totally like you said check out. Despite what everyone here is saying, you cannot FORCE yourself to be in love with your husband nor can you just ''get with it'' you know. believe me i tried that myself for five years. I understand how it is to wanna be with someone else so bad, but to feel totally stuck. It makes you so depressed. I wish i could say something that would make this situation better for you. I really feel for you here. I dont know what the reason is this guy isnt contacting you, but it might have something to do with his wife. It might be a good idea to come clean with your husband. Tell him straight up. Your in love with someone else. If you want him to move on, he probably needs to know why, but that still wont bring your other guy closer to you. So you could end up being a single mom with four kids and still not have this other guy in your life.

I know you have a lot of feelings goin on right now, but you need to really try and think rationally about this situation. Ok so seriously Lets think about this. You have 4 kids. Your married. Your probably a stay at home mom. If your husband were to on his own find out you were having an affair. Legally he could take your kids and order you to pay spousal support, as well as child support. Alright Lets take that out of the picture now, but still say he found out your having an affair and wanted a divorce but let you and him have joint custody of the kids. How would you take care of 4 kids by yourself? You would have to get a job and work full time, then come home and take care of your kids.. Are you prepared to do that? If your anything like i was you have worked it out in your head a thousand times how to get yourself out of this marriage, but kinley it NEVER ever works out the way you have it in your head.

This guy wont talk to you. He is completely ignoring you right now. You must come to the realization that their is nothing you can do about that. I know you feel like your gonna lose your mind over this, but i promise you, you wont. It's just gonna hurt like crazy. My advice to you. If your going to continue to talk to and try to get with this other man regardless of you still being married, i would get a divorce.

 

[QuestionTime]

I would always end up thinking about my first love and wondering how things would have been if we were together. Well, about 6 months ago, my first love contacted me via classmates.com and we got a chance to reunite.

Rev 2:
4Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.
5Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

Kinley, your first love is supposed to be God. But God is not your first love, nor a love at all. Your first love is you. You worship you, you serve you, and you think only of you.

You have a good husband - and that is very rare - and you have a happy family, but because your focus is all on you, you're about to destroy everyone around you. This is selfish.

It's time to repent and put God first and forget this man. I will pray that this man stays away from you.

 

[QuestionTime]

You arent in love with your first sweetheart. You are in love with the fantasy that you have of him. The truth is that if you did marry your first sweetheart you would find out after knowing him and being intimate with him that he is just as imperfect and human as everyone else. The grass is always going to be greener on the other side of the fence.

Yep, this is very good Zero. It's a fantasy she is in love with. She'll be happier if she remains where she is, because if she goes forward with this it's going to be a disaster.

 

[calvina]

I am a 33 year old married woman with four kids. I met my husband in college and we got married shortly after graduating because I found out I was pregnant. He is a really nice, laid back, easy going guy-especially with the kids. I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom for the past 3 years after giving birth to twins. I have never felt a connection to my husband. I have never felt that he was truly the one for me. When we first met, I really didn't want to be with him but decided to give it a try because he was a really nice guy and I kinda felt "obligated". Throughout my entire marriage, I have always had thoughts about my first love. I was 13 when we met and he was 17. After HS, we both managed to stay in touch with one another off and on. The last time I talked to him was in 1999- the year I got pregnant with my daughter.After that, we kind of lost contact with each other as I moved several times and so did he. I married my husband in 2000. From this point on, I tried to focus on my marriage and kids and enjoy life but I always felt something was missing. I would always end up thinking about my first love and wondering how things would have been if we were together. Well, about 6 months ago, my first love contacted me via classmates.com and we got a chance to reunite. I found out that he's been married just as long as I have and he has a 14 year old daughter. I told him that I still loved him and he told me that he felt the same way. We both agreed that we couldn't be together because of our situations. I have met up with him a couple of times and we've kissed but nothing else. I have become emotionally attached to him and I really really want to be with him. I'm at the point now, where I have mentally checked out of my marriage. I have no feelings for my husband. I think abouit my first love daily. He is the first thing that's on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. Lately, he's been kind of distant from me and told me that he wanted to continue to be friends and that he could not communicate with me that much. In the beginning we would text each other all day-literally! Now I haven't heard from him in over a week and I am about to lose my mind. He will not talk to me. He will not respond to any of my emails. He will not answer my calls. He just went cold turkey on me. I am devastated because I have been knowing this guy for 20 plus years and never would have imagined that he would treat me this way. I know that my husband knows that there is something wrong. He's now depressed because I am depressed and I don't talk to him or have sex with him anymore. I told my husband that he deserves better and that he should move on with his life. I want my first love. I don't know why he refuses to communicate with me. But I have been praying to GOD that he sends him back into my life. I really believe that he is my soulmate. I can't get him off of my mind. I really need someone that I can talk to help get me through this. I have left out alot of details because this has been going on for 6 months and I didn't want to make this post too long. But i would appreciate any feedback.

hi Kinley,hope you're fine.sister,please wake up.you did marry your hubby because im sure you did like him,dont say you never liked him before.dont be selfish,you are blessed to have a hubby like him.quest is right,its very rare to find hubby like yours.think of your beautiful kids.what will be their situation if you will leave them.your ex is married like you.why ruin his family? please have a conscience.you are not really sure of your ex.he might just be flirting with you.will you be happy seeing your broken family and other family.wake up dear! that's not love.your brain is higher than your heart.stop contacting him.you're married with kids...don't release your hubby.you are blessed to have him...resist temptation! GOD loves you

 

[Consumed]

don't give up, Satan only comes to kill steal and destroy, especially marriages, first institution set up by God is family. In the garden of eden there was a family that a snake came and whispered seeds of doubt that caused a break up of that family, took Jesus to bring it back together, no different. Look at the grief that gave, look at the cost that brought it back together.

 

[Kay_Kay]

Your first mistake was to marry a guy out of obligation instead of love. So what, you think you're doing him some sort of favor being with him but not feeling emotionally connected to him? Talk about putting a fleece over his eyes, he married you with the thoughts that he was getting a wife that loved him romantically. I wish I could be nice about this, but I find that wrong on so many levels. It's just so immature and dishonest.

Alright, I'll try to be more understanding here. Feelings can't be controlled and you're struggling with huge feelings for this other guy. I think deep down you know this is a life-wrecking situation for the both of you (and your families.) You're going to have to deny yourself this man, which is very difficult and against human nature. I don't doubt the upset disappointment you feel when your "first love" stopped being there for you. When you start seeking emotional support from another man that you're attracted to it's a slippery slope to adultery- I think he was astute enough to read the signs.

Just because you have given up on your marriage doesn't mean he has. Don't wreck his marriage over some silly Disney marketing ploy- contrary to belief soul-mates aren't hard to come by, there will always be another man if you're looking. You're not 12 and he's not Prince Charming, this is real people's lives you're messing with here. You're married and so is he. Go to marriage counseling and straighten out your issues, but don't romanticize this problem into something positive- as if you two were meant to be together and that's what God wants.

 

[nanabean]

Wow.....Kinley I do pray that you have been reading and taking these posts as they are intended...which I feel is with your best interests in heart, even if it is hard to hear. I don't know as I have much to add, as several posters have said alot of what I felt you needed to hear, but one thing I keep going back to is the sentence where you say you've "never felt a connection to your husband." I have to think (and pray) that there must have been a time when you felt SOME kind of connection....after all, you were pregnant with his child when you got married (and have had 3 more since!).... I pray for you to do some of the things Zeroturbulence mentioned in his post (EXCELLENT post btw, Zero!!) in order for you to re-connect with your hubby, or GET connected. You say, "He is a really nice, laid back, easy going guy" ....He deserves your full committment to your marriage. There is no denying the special MEMORIES of a first love..but memories is where it should stay. As my daughter once said...if there was a breakup, there was a reason. No need to go back.