S
Hello everyone. What you are going to read is something that has been stuck inside of myself for a long time... even since I remember. I am asking it here because I actually don't have the courage to bring this to someone in RL.
It's something that doesn't let me go, it's something that doesn't let me move on. And worse: it's something that is a part of me, that I feel I cannot change. It's funny, I believe that Jesus came back from the dead, revived that child, turning water and wine. That God sent the bread of the heaven and opened the sea for his chosen people. But I don't have hope of me actually changing this: what brings me down is cowardice.
Perhaps my mistake is that I don't pray a lot. The standard Christian response is always 'pray', and it's one I also gave to a lot of people. But frankly I don't know what to pray for, except of "lord, take this from me." God knows all things, he knows what afflicts me. And I believe he can take it from me. Oh, I just entered into contradiction. Well, I believe God can do anything. But I feel like he won't take this from me, like it was an important piece of myself. I have to admit, I wonder if I lost it if I would still be me. It's kind of hard to explain it.
Anyway, my problem is exactly that: any conflict, any tumult and I lose control. Not of my mind, I can still think... but of my body. I start shaking... well, actually I always shake a little. My mother says that when I am not paying attention I get stable, but whenever I look my hands are shaking. But it's a soft shake, not something that stops me from doing things. But when I get into conflict... then it's hard to even pick a glass of water. It's not only the shake either: I can feel my pressure dropping, I get cold. While I can think, I cannot think and act on the same time. I usually freeze for a few moments, like if my body turned itself off so my brain can think. Then it starts working again, but the brain doesn't do anything else. It's not like when I am calm, when I can think and act on the same time. It's a very terrible feeling.
This thing inside of me was a blow to myself in real life. I actually failed three times in getting a drive license. I could pass on the written test, driving on the road was no problem for me... but on the last text, I would lose control and do something stupid, like forgetting to put down the hand brake or don't looking before taking a turn.
Discussions with friends the same thing happens. No, perhaps I should say arguments. When a discussion is relaxed I feel fine, even competitive. When a discussion is inflamed... then it comes again, followed by voices of "Are you alright?" or "Are you feeling ill?" or "Are you crying?". Those hurts the most, because my eyes also start tearing when I feel nervous... and I feel like I am too old to be showing tears.
But I could actually try to live with this. I did manage to get a job, thank God. It's doesn't pay much, but at least I know I will be able to feed myself if I need to live by myself. Still, what bothers me the most is that it's stops me from defending my faith. Even on the internet.
My mother consoles me, saying that I shouldn't waste time in things who probably won't change the mind of anyone. She says that internet discussions aren't productive. True, from what I saw most of those arguments results in nothing being accomplished. And yet, that is like another knife into myself: because if I cannot even defend my belief under the mask of anonymity, how will I be able to do it on real life? If I lose control to a bunch of strangers I never saw, and probably will never met, what does this say about me?
Then I feel like trash. I want to beat myself: why are you losing control to a bunch of strangers, in a place where no one cannot find who you are?
I like reading about our religion. I read a lot of arguments. Deep down I know that I have enough knowledge to stand for my belief. But then why does my emotional keeps putting me down? I can think of arguments, but I keep shaking, my pressure falls... it's just a terrible feeling, only that remains.
I feel oppressed. Another thing that bogs me: deep down I know I want to create art. My mother always said that I was very creative. But I don't have the courage to do so. My pictures always seem crappy, my texts always seems poor. On the first critique my internal build up usually collapses. It was such a terrible feeling that I cannot post anything online anymore. Even if it is for the glory of Christ.
That is my predicament. And I want to hear what people here think about it. Please, feel free to confront me about this. Do to me about Job, because I feel maybe there is something I am not seeing, something I haven't considerate.
And before someone asks, I asked for professional help. A brain medic said that my brain is fine, a clinical medic said that my shaking was natural, based on personality. I went to a shrink, but it also didn't help either. I don't know why, but I am almost sure this has something to do with my faith.
At least I have great trouble forgiving. I still remember and feel angry about people who injusticed me even since kindergarden. No joke. Dunno, felt like also sharing this thing about me. I fear it's also not normal.
God bless everyone.
It's something that doesn't let me go, it's something that doesn't let me move on. And worse: it's something that is a part of me, that I feel I cannot change. It's funny, I believe that Jesus came back from the dead, revived that child, turning water and wine. That God sent the bread of the heaven and opened the sea for his chosen people. But I don't have hope of me actually changing this: what brings me down is cowardice.
Perhaps my mistake is that I don't pray a lot. The standard Christian response is always 'pray', and it's one I also gave to a lot of people. But frankly I don't know what to pray for, except of "lord, take this from me." God knows all things, he knows what afflicts me. And I believe he can take it from me. Oh, I just entered into contradiction. Well, I believe God can do anything. But I feel like he won't take this from me, like it was an important piece of myself. I have to admit, I wonder if I lost it if I would still be me. It's kind of hard to explain it.
Anyway, my problem is exactly that: any conflict, any tumult and I lose control. Not of my mind, I can still think... but of my body. I start shaking... well, actually I always shake a little. My mother says that when I am not paying attention I get stable, but whenever I look my hands are shaking. But it's a soft shake, not something that stops me from doing things. But when I get into conflict... then it's hard to even pick a glass of water. It's not only the shake either: I can feel my pressure dropping, I get cold. While I can think, I cannot think and act on the same time. I usually freeze for a few moments, like if my body turned itself off so my brain can think. Then it starts working again, but the brain doesn't do anything else. It's not like when I am calm, when I can think and act on the same time. It's a very terrible feeling.
This thing inside of me was a blow to myself in real life. I actually failed three times in getting a drive license. I could pass on the written test, driving on the road was no problem for me... but on the last text, I would lose control and do something stupid, like forgetting to put down the hand brake or don't looking before taking a turn.
Discussions with friends the same thing happens. No, perhaps I should say arguments. When a discussion is relaxed I feel fine, even competitive. When a discussion is inflamed... then it comes again, followed by voices of "Are you alright?" or "Are you feeling ill?" or "Are you crying?". Those hurts the most, because my eyes also start tearing when I feel nervous... and I feel like I am too old to be showing tears.
But I could actually try to live with this. I did manage to get a job, thank God. It's doesn't pay much, but at least I know I will be able to feed myself if I need to live by myself. Still, what bothers me the most is that it's stops me from defending my faith. Even on the internet.
My mother consoles me, saying that I shouldn't waste time in things who probably won't change the mind of anyone. She says that internet discussions aren't productive. True, from what I saw most of those arguments results in nothing being accomplished. And yet, that is like another knife into myself: because if I cannot even defend my belief under the mask of anonymity, how will I be able to do it on real life? If I lose control to a bunch of strangers I never saw, and probably will never met, what does this say about me?
Then I feel like trash. I want to beat myself: why are you losing control to a bunch of strangers, in a place where no one cannot find who you are?
I like reading about our religion. I read a lot of arguments. Deep down I know that I have enough knowledge to stand for my belief. But then why does my emotional keeps putting me down? I can think of arguments, but I keep shaking, my pressure falls... it's just a terrible feeling, only that remains.
I feel oppressed. Another thing that bogs me: deep down I know I want to create art. My mother always said that I was very creative. But I don't have the courage to do so. My pictures always seem crappy, my texts always seems poor. On the first critique my internal build up usually collapses. It was such a terrible feeling that I cannot post anything online anymore. Even if it is for the glory of Christ.
That is my predicament. And I want to hear what people here think about it. Please, feel free to confront me about this. Do to me about Job, because I feel maybe there is something I am not seeing, something I haven't considerate.
And before someone asks, I asked for professional help. A brain medic said that my brain is fine, a clinical medic said that my shaking was natural, based on personality. I went to a shrink, but it also didn't help either. I don't know why, but I am almost sure this has something to do with my faith.
At least I have great trouble forgiving. I still remember and feel angry about people who injusticed me even since kindergarden. No joke. Dunno, felt like also sharing this thing about me. I fear it's also not normal.
God bless everyone.
As for forgiveness, it is hard for most people to do. We tend to hold onto the wrongs that have done to us. But Jesus commands us to forgive others, as he has forgiven us of our sins. After all, Jesus forgave those who crucified him on the cross!!! If he can do that, who are we to refuse to do the same?!!! My suggestion is pray about all of this. Pour your heart out to God. Beg him to bestow the ability of forgiveness upon you. Maybe even write your feelings down in a journal or notebook, just to get them out. Express yourself through art, or music, or writing, or even just through venting on here!!