Relationship troubles

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C

cj2319

Guest
#1
#1
8 months ago, I met an amazing girl named Bitia. She is so passionate about God, she has this big heart! We've been talking since Aug 2015. She lives with her aunt, due to issues with her parents. From the beginning her aunt had some rules (which I respected) Weekdays, we could talk til 9:30, weekends until 11. She would only allow Bitia to hang out once every other week. Even with that, it seemed like her aunt liked me. She let us go as a group to knotts berry farm, she had her son in law help me get a seasonal job at UPS, everyone, even her son in law seemed to like me. I got invited, at her insistence, to her house for Christmas and ended up going over to a party at her daughters house later that night. Everything seemed great! Me and Bitia were getting closer, it'd been 4 months and we started holding hands, her aunt was letting her hang out a lil more, up to once a week. Then in January, her aunt changed, she decided she didn't want Bitia to talk to me anymore. She was saying stuff like "you could do better" making fun of my appearance, to the point where she was making Bitia cry. They moved churches, and it all seemed to happen out of nowhere, we had planned a trip to six flags and the day before we were supposed to go her aunt did that. Me and Bitia had created a pretty close bond in a few months and we didn't really want to give it up, i mean it wasn't like either one of us wanted to end it, her aunt just didn't like me suddenly. I've thought maybe I did too much, but we only ever held hands and very little in the few months of our relationship. We've continued, through text, talking and praying together etc and last week i thought i was hearing from God, to "go!" Since this happened, and even before i wanted to talk with her aunt, let her know my intentions and what kind of a person i am etc, but Bitia was really scared, she was scared of what actually happened, that we wouldn't be able to talk or hang out. Part of me believes it was due to my inaction, from me not "being a man" and talking to her, so I've been praying about it and a story that keeps coming to mind and i keep hearing reference to is David and Goliath. There you have an army scared to take on this man, and David, a young guy saying BUT GOD is with us, what is there to fear? He doesn't go out in armor, he goes out with a sling and some stones, and knows that God is with him, and he through God defeats Goliath. So right now her aunt is in a sense our Goliath, she is someone we fear, that could take away what little we have left. Through hours of reading prayer and taking notes on sermons, i read about how God opens doors after i was told by a good friend and fellow believer to pray for her aunts heart to be softened and a door to be opened to be able to talk to her. It got to the point where i almost went down to her aunts house and as i was asking if she was home, Bitia and her sister were both very scared and told me they didnt think it was a good idea. I dont want to do anything if its not of God, if we are supposed to be patient and wait, i can do that, but what i also dont want to do is ignore God, and like one of the sermons i heard, miss the "promised land" out of fear. Due to this ban on me i've missed Bitia's last high school basketball game, a few dances, id potentially miss her last high school volley ball games, her graduation and graduation party etc. Not that any of those have significant spiritual value, but they mean something to her, and i really want to be there for those things, and id like to clear up any misconceptions her aunt may have about the type of man i am, as i believe, maybe the reason she reacted like this is due to someone spreading a rumor about us going farther than we should. I guess what im asking for is prayer for the situation, and maybe for some verses or your guys views on it to hopefully see God move! thanks for anyone who can reply!
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
#2
Man, paragraphs. Space. Wall of text like this is hard to read. Not just for me, but for a number of users. This means less responses.
 
BaxterBack

BaxterBack

Senior Member
#3
Apr 30, 2013
130
0
16
#3
If she is living under the roof of her Aunt then Bitia should respect her especially if she is a minor. (You didn't specify..?)
If you want to "be a man" you should be mature conversation about the situation altogether. Honesty is the best policy. Assumptions lead to accusations.
 
C

coby2

Guest
#4
#4
How old is she? If she's 18 she can go out of the house and find a room somewhere. Eeeww. Mrs Control.
The wife of someone I know who recently married is 50+ for goodness sakes, but her controlling niece didn't want her to date him, she had to find someone with more money, otherwise she couldn't stay in her house and she was visiting here, she's from another country and stayed with her niece. So far for the relationship with the controlling niece. Buy bye!
 
cinder

cinder

Senior Member
#5
Mar 26, 2014
4,328
2,361
113
#5
Questions that seem key to understanding the situation:

Does Bitia know why her aunt became suddenly opposed to you?

Why are Bitia and her sister so afraid of you talking with her aunt?

What do you hope to gain from talking with her aunt?

At what point did they start going to this new church, is it possible that that has influenced their thinking towards you?

From your account, it doesn't sound like you were at all disrespectful of her or secretive about your relationship (at least not until after the aunt said she didn't want you talking anymore, not clear if she knows you're still talking) and I really don't think a lack of clear intentions towards a gal who is still in school would be a reason for a family to suddenly turn against you. One other thought, if you're really dealing with an overly controlling person (which isn't confirmed yet to my thinking), were you unable to do something the aunt wanted you to do shortly before she changed her attitude towards you?

Personally, I do think you should consider seriously that Bitia and her sister have known their aunt far longer than you have and probably have a much better idea of how she will react to anything you have to say. Some people aren't nice, logical, and reasonable, and this aunt may be one of them. I don't know that for a fact, but don't take reason as a given either.

And no reason you can't go to ball games, graduation, and other significant important public events. They're probably listed on school websites and that information should be publicly available. You may not be able to talk to her at them, but being there for her is being there and she'll notice if she thinks it's important.
 
C

Chuckt

Guest
#6
#6
CJ,

You sound like a really nice person.

I'm sorry this happened to you but usually it takes the girl to fight for her relationship with you to make it work.

To me it sounds like she doesn't want the relationship and is using the parents for cover but we don't really know. Perhaps you are more serious than what she wants and if you love her, let her go.

What young people should concentrate on first is education then career then house to be able to support someone. If they don't have that then they aren't ready for marriage or anything else.

At a young age, people don't want to settle on one relationship and people are usually always looking for something better.

Unless you go to college and have a career, you might not make enough to have a family and the reality is that people need money because not everyone is going to sit on the floor of an apartment because there is no money for furniture. It is actually crazy how expensive life is.

Someone gave me wisdom and it makes more sense in marriage. Unless a friend curls your toes, you probably shouldn't marry them because she isn't crazy about you unless she is fighting for you and unless people fight to get married, they probably shouldn't be together because married life is going to be hard and situations are going to pull you apart. Someone that isn't going to fight for you may not fight for you when you get married and life is tough.

And an interesting thing is to look at divorced people and they change and some people don't like the same things anymore because they change. You are at a young age that you have a friendship and you know what you want but at the same time, you don't have a wide enough experience to know who you will be in ten, twenty or thirty years from now and what you will grow into then and neither do a lot of people.

What I think you should do is concentrate on education, career and house in that order and if you have time, make other friendships and get to know other people and learn about yourself and have other experiences that help you gauge life.

I'm so glad that I didn't marry my first friend or second friend and I look back and I see myself better off because it takes God and both of you to make it work. So if she isn't fighting to make it work, she isn't ready for the relationship and you should respect that because she isn't ready and you can't hurry someone who takes time to mature.
 
C

cj2319

Guest
#7
#7
BaxterBack said:
If she is living under the roof of her Aunt then Bitia should respect her especially if she is a minor. (You didn't specify..?)
If you want to "be a man" you should be mature conversation about the situation altogether. Honesty is the best policy. Assumptions lead to accusations.
Click to expand...
im 18 she is 17 and will be 18 in sept, and yes i do, the only problem is the fear of her and her sister in my idea of going where they are scared their aunt will get even more mad, and take bitias phone away which right now is our only source of communication. She took both of their phones for different reasons from freshman year to senior so there is a somewhat valid concern. My concern comes where i hope her aunt doesnt think im a hit it and quit it guy and because i am i didnt want to come and talk to her, which is why ive been trying to see if there is an opportunity for that but it seems like there isnt yet, due to fear.

 
C

cj2319

Guest
#8
#8
cinder said:
Questions that seem key to understanding the situation:

Does Bitia know why her aunt became suddenly opposed to you?

Why are Bitia and her sister so afraid of you talking with her aunt?

What do you hope to gain from talking with her aunt?

At what point did they start going to this new church, is it possible that that has influenced their thinking towards you?

From your account, it doesn't sound like you were at all disrespectful of her or secretive about your relationship (at least not until after the aunt said she didn't want you talking anymore, not clear if she knows you're still talking) and I really don't think a lack of clear intentions towards a gal who is still in school would be a reason for a family to suddenly turn against you. One other thought, if you're really dealing with an overly controlling person (which isn't confirmed yet to my thinking), were you unable to do something the aunt wanted you to do shortly before she changed her attitude towards you?

Personally, I do think you should consider seriously that Bitia and her sister have known their aunt far longer than you have and probably have a much better idea of how she will react to anything you have to say. Some people aren't nice, logical, and reasonable, and this aunt may be one of them. I don't know that for a fact, but don't take reason as a given either.

And no reason you can't go to ball games, graduation, and other significant important public events. They're probably listed on school websites and that information should be publicly available. You may not be able to talk to her at them, but being there for her is being there and she'll notice if she thinks it's important.
Click to expand...
One of the reasons ive heard is basically her aunt thinks Bitia can do better, im an average to below average guy in looks, and Bitia knows, I also have been pretty involved in our youth and have been allowed the chance to preach and stuff like that and she tells me that her attraction to me comes more from that side of things.

Well her aunt is pretty strict and does have some concerns with them dating, and so they dont want me to make things worse by going and talking to her aunt, as i replied to someone else, their aunt took their phones for about 3 years one time so there is a genuine fear.

Mostly clarity, and maybe a list of conditions, from her to me, just "you guys can date at this time" "i dont want you guys to date because...." just some kind of explanation, and hopefully to apologize for anyway she feels wronged, and to let her know my intentions towards bitia, for her aunt to know she can trust me

It was after she basically banned her from seeing me, they missed church and then switched to another one, and have been going there since

I dont believe i was, i tried to be very respectful, i was willing to talk with her aunt maybe try to ask her if she would be "ok" with us getting a lil more serious, i recognized the age difference so i didnt want to force anything and in the 4 months we were talking i think we held hands 5 times? But no she doesnt know we are still talking which has been another thing weighing on us, like are we in sin now by doing this? So right before she did that we went to winter camp at our church, it was a weekend thing and we went and hung out, so much the youth pastor took notice, the only thing i can think is the youth pastor got the wrong idea and told her aunt that he thought something might be going on, either that or Bitia told her cousin (her aunts daughter) that she kinda liked me and what her cousin thought she should do on whether we should talk with her aunt or not, and so Bitia thinks maybe her cousin hinted something to her aunt making her get upset. as much as id like to brush it off like her aunt is crazy i could see her concern, here i am and 18 yr old guy wanting to talk to basically her "daughter" and in her aunts mind i made no effort to come make my intentions known, her aunt is watching Bitia and her sister, because their mom killed their dad (her brother) so she is cautious of who she lets in, my only issue is i thought i was in, i was invited to their house i was welcomed and talked to when i went to pick her up i was nice and genuine and everything seemed good, and then seemingly out of nowhere she doesnt approve of her even talking to me to the point of not allowing us to hang out and changing churches?

I do and have considered that and i dont want to go on selfish motives, or go at all if God is calling me to wait, but there was just a strong urge to go in faith and i wanted to know if im just seeing what i want to see or if im pulling a jonah and running away from what Gods calling me to do :eek:

Well Bitia feels bad, she feels like shes going against her aunt and sinning because we'd be trying to hang out behind her aunts back, and so i respect that and i dont go, i am planning on going to the graduation and anywhere else she would want me to go but the problem is we feel bad after, its like "oh man maybe we shouldnt have done that" and so were in this "funk" we either dont hang out for what seems like no reason, or we hang out and feel bad afterwards, which is really another reason why id at least like to hear from her aunt herself why she made this rule now
 
C

cj2319

Guest
#9
#9
Chuckt said:
CJ,

You sound like a really nice person.

I'm sorry this happened to you but usually it takes the girl to fight for her relationship with you to make it work.

To me it sounds like she doesn't want the relationship and is using the parents for cover but we don't really know. Perhaps you are more serious than what she wants and if you love her, let her go.

What young people should concentrate on first is education then career then house to be able to support someone. If they don't have that then they aren't ready for marriage or anything else.

At a young age, people don't want to settle on one relationship and people are usually always looking for something better.

Unless you go to college and have a career, you might not make enough to have a family and the reality is that people need money because not everyone is going to sit on the floor of an apartment because there is no money for furniture. It is actually crazy how expensive life is.

Someone gave me wisdom and it makes more sense in marriage. Unless a friend curls your toes, you probably shouldn't marry them because she isn't crazy about you unless she is fighting for you and unless people fight to get married, they probably shouldn't be together because married life is going to be hard and situations are going to pull you apart. Someone that isn't going to fight for you may not fight for you when you get married and life is tough.

And an interesting thing is to look at divorced people and they change and some people don't like the same things anymore because they change. You are at a young age that you have a friendship and you know what you want but at the same time, you don't have a wide enough experience to know who you will be in ten, twenty or thirty years from now and what you will grow into then and neither do a lot of people.

What I think you should do is concentrate on education, career and house in that order and if you have time, make other friendships and get to know other people and learn about yourself and have other experiences that help you gauge life.

I'm so glad that I didn't marry my first friend or second friend and I look back and I see myself better off because it takes God and both of you to make it work. So if she isn't fighting to make it work, she isn't ready for the relationship and you should respect that because she isn't ready and you can't hurry someone who takes time to mature.
Click to expand...
I could see where you could come to that idea from the info i shared, but shes fought for me throughout this whole time, her aunt is just very stubborn and for some reason doesnt want to hear her, ive gotten calls from her crying because of how her aunt wont listen, she tells me stuff about my spiritual walk that she finds attractive and stuff like that, and i dont think either one of us is really talking marriage but i believe we have a good foundation for one the only problem rightnow is her aunt not wanting us to talk and so im trying to understand and know how to go about this and where to go from here :eek: but thanks for the info :)
 
M

Muddajayjay

Guest
#10
#10
We don't fight against flesh, but spirits and principalities
 
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