Staying Pure

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romans1212

Guest
#1
#1
Just wondering if anyone out there has any experience and good advice on how to keep a relationship before marriage pure. My boyfriend and I seem to really struggle with this. I mean, we have never had sex. but a lot of the things we start to do make us feel guilty. we get caught up a lot and then right in the middle of something one of us says stop. We both feel incredibly guilty afterwards. We both know what we want, and it is to stay away from that crap. However, we just keep repeating the same cycles. we will do great for a period of time, but we always screw up again. Has anyone experienced this but overcome it? We just want to get passed this, I'm not sure why we just can't.
 
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carolineh

Banned
#2
Sep 10, 2012
758
4
0
#2
treat your boyfriend as you would treat your brother and have him treat you as he would treat his sister...as long as you have healthy relationships with your siblings..pray for God to help you and pray for His will, guidance and leading and submit to Him in love and..dont be living together and try have chaperones when visiting eachother..do not watch romantic movies together and plan to marry soon
 
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GrandOptimist

Guest
#3
#3
Romans, these biological urges are natural as you may know. However we have been given a gift of intelligence, and with this gift we also take on responsibilities and obligations. We must be above petty urges, we must be above and more importantly we can be above them. God gave us the tools that are needed to build strong will power and principles.

You MUST not give up what you want most, for what you want right now.
 
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libertygirl

Guest
#4
#4
I don't have any experience but my sister and her now husband did the following:

-They had mentors and were under pastoral covering.
-They made sure they were never alone together.
-They didn’t kiss until their wedding day.

It worked for them.
 
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GrandOptimist

Guest
#5
#5
libertygirl said:
I don't have any experience but my sister and her now husband did the following:

-They made sure they were never alone together.
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Oh come on. That can't be healthy. You are going to marry someone without ever being alone with them? But hey, I will not judge as it worked for them. I just feel that is a little to 'vanilla' for me.
 
chip

chip

Banned
#6
Aug 29, 2012
298
3
0
36
#6
since you struggle with what you have:
group dates only
always chaperoned by friends - even to and especially from events
lots of prayer
NO late night anythings
and get your mind pure too!
 
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libertygirl

Guest
#7
#7
GrandOptimist said:
Oh come on. That can't be healthy. You are going to marry someone without ever being alone with them? But hey, I will not judge as it worked for them. I just feel that is a little to 'vanilla' for me.
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I think it's perfectly healthy and wise.
 
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GrandOptimist

Guest
#8
#8
libertygirl said:
I think it's perfectly healthy and wise.
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But how do you know how well you can truly live with someone without ever even so much as being alone with them? I trust myself to be strong enough to control my urges. I feel as if you should both be comfortable with each other before tying the knot. But again as I say, to each to their own, just my two cents.
 
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libertygirl

Guest
#9
#9
GrandOptimist said:
But how do you know how well you can truly live with someone without ever even so much as being alone with them? I trust myself to be strong enough to control my urges. I feel as if you should both be comfortable with each other before tying the knot. But again as I say, to each to their own, just my two cents.
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Why would a couple need to be alone during courtship? They can still comfortably communicate with each other around other people. Like you, my sister and her husband were strong enough to control their urges but decided to set those boundaries to be safe. They still spent time alone but it was always in a public place and never in a closed room or house.
 
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romans1212

Guest
#10
#10
thank you everyone. Our biggest issue is that we like to lay down in bed/on the couch together. I, like all girls, really enjoy the whole cuddling thing. Unfortunately, often the whole laying down together thing gets us in trouble in the end. Something bad doesn't happen every time we do that, but when something bad DOES happen, it's when we are laying down. I know the obvious answer then is to stop laying down together, which we have said before we would do, but we always end up doing it again. It's like once we have been doing really good with it, we trick ourselves into thinking that we can lay down together and not have a problem. Plus, it's difficult to stop the laying down together when we have been doing it for our entire relationship. It's hard to start fresh and say we will not lay down together. I know it is what we need to do, but it's hard. Please no criticism, I'm looking for encouragement only. Please, no one say the answer is obvious, I just need some deeper insight on the issue. Thanks everyone!
 
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libertygirl

Guest
#11
#11
Maybe try spending some time away from each other. Fast and seek God about the relationship and ask Him to give you strength.
 
AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#12
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#12
Are you engaged, or do you have any plans of getting engaged? Talk about it together. If you don't plan on ever getting married, then there is no reason to be in a relationship at all. Figure out if your relationship is headed in that direction, and consider what could be the earliest you could plausibly get married. If it's not for years, you should consider spending time apart. God gave us these sexual desires and you shouldn't let them build for that long if you can't see yourselves getting married soon.

Even being engaged is hard, which is why it's not recommended to have an engagement longer than 9 months (6 is ideal). Having timelines set in stone can help because you'll have a goal to look forward to.
 
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romans1212

Guest
#13
#13
AAAPlus, we have been together for 7 months. We have talked about marriage, and we both want to spend our lives together. I'm thinking we will probably get engaged around the 1 year mark. We've talked about either getting married fall of 2013, or summer of 2014. We don't want to put it off too long, when we are already sure this is what we want, but at the same time we do not want to rush things.
 
AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#14
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#14
Hey Romans1212

To me it sounds like you two don't have a solid plan at all. "I'm thinking will will probably get engaged around the 1 year mark" Those aren't very solid words, which says that you two have only casually considered the idea of marriage.

As little as a couple generations ago, when it was still considered wrong to have sex before marriage, 6 months courting and then a 6 month engagement were the longest people would wait. Any more than that and you're really just openly inviting temptation in.

If you're so sure about getting married, why would you consider that rushing things? It's our culture that tells us that we have to date for a ridiculously long time before getting married, and that dating less than two years is rushing things. Our culture also has a 50% divorce rate, so they obviously don't have it down. Either you're sure or you're not.

I just want to urge you two to seriously talk about it and get some solid plans, so at least you know exactly how long you're going to be waiting for. And at least play around with the question "what is the shortest amount of time we could plausibly get married in, without being foolish?". Is it plausible to get married within 6 months? Or even a year? Just something to ask yourselves.

It would be really wise to start asking these questions now. You're already both struggling to keep your purity and I can guarantee you that it won't get any easier from here.
 
TheAristocat

TheAristocat

Senior Member
#15
Oct 4, 2011
2,150
26
0
#15
romans1212 said:
Just wondering if anyone out there has any experience and good advice on how to keep a relationship before marriage pure. My boyfriend and I seem to really struggle with this. I mean, we have never had sex. but a lot of the things we start to do make us feel guilty. we get caught up a lot and then right in the middle of something one of us says stop. We both feel incredibly guilty afterwards. We both know what we want, and it is to stay away from that crap. However, we just keep repeating the same cycles. we will do great for a period of time, but we always screw up again. Has anyone experienced this but overcome it? We just want to get passed this, I'm not sure why we just can't.
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A very easy but not very convenient point would be to not come at your relationship with intimate intentions. Well, you might ask, "What's the point in being more than friends then?" That pretty much answers your question.

How intimate are people supposed to be with each other outside of marriage? What are the benefits of marriage supposed to be? Isn't one of them supposed to be manifest intimacy? How do we subtract from marriage when we are intimate with someone before marriage?

I've heard it said that if you want to have awkward moments for the rest of your life you should get married. That's not what marriage is supposed to be. But that's what we've reduced it to, because we can now have all of the benefits of marriage without marriage and none of its responsibilities. So marriage no longer matters.

So... staying pure. What are the differences between marriage and friendship? If the only difference is that marriage is a prison cell, then we've turned it into something evil. And I wouldn't expect it to last long.
 
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oracle2world

Guest
#16
#16
Humans are hard-wired for these behaviours, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. You are normal. Do not worry about it.

I do not believe God expects people to live up to the impossibly high standards of perfection promulgated by others on earth. He is more forgiving and understanding.

In sizing up your lifetime mate, I think some leeway in the "sizing up" has to be expected. Sorry if I sound a bit cynical, but this is the biggest decision of your life, and you have to get real about it. You will live it every day. Not all couples can make a family, and if you do not feel comfortable around your financee for whatever reason, well, probably time to move on. If you do not like cuddling with him, that is a big clue that maybe you were not meant for each other.

Every person is different and every couple is different. I think you will just have to accept your feelings on this one.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#17
#17
GrandOptimist said:
But how do you know how well you can truly live with someone without ever even so much as being alone with them? I trust myself to be strong enough to control my urges. I feel as if you should both be comfortable with each other before tying the knot. But again as I say, to each to their own, just my two cents.
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Umm.. leaving God out of the equation are we? Couldn't possibly fathom that seeking God's guidance before marriage could be more important than spending time alone and constantly doing wrong and putting yourself at risk of losing your virginity before marriage. Hmm...
Aren't we supposed to put God before all other relationships? And if we're in a relationship that causes us sin, or comes between you and God, shouldn't you make that relationship with God a bigger priority and alter the conditions of the friendship instead? Or is there more wisdom in putting yourself in sins path in the name of 'getting to know each other'?
Personally i think God would do more to honor these people for choosing to not spend time alone and may bless them and their marriage as a result.
Also, not being alone could be only restricted to being in private. Perhaps they could meet at a public location, fair, movies, dinner, etc... places where they will have to control themselves anyways. But avoid being in the car alone together, or going to each others homes with each other, or any location where there is a risk of them acting up.
 
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4evrfree

Guest
#18
#18
Ugly said:
Perhaps they could meet at a public location, fair, movies, dinner, etc... places where they will have to control themselves anyways. But avoid being in the car alone together, or going to each others homes with each other, or any location where there is a risk of them acting up.
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I think that sounds wise... My sister and her boyfriend (now husband) struggled with knowing where to draw the line when they were alone together so they chose to be accountable to my parents and our pastor.. although if I'd be really serious about a guy or engaged to him I imagine I'd want some alone time with him but I do think meeting in public locations sounds like a good idea.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#19
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#19
I have to agree with Oracle. Never being alone sounds terrible. If youre never alone with someone how will you actually get to know them?
 
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4evrfree

Guest
#20
#20
I guess I'd have to say not the same thing may works for everyone? I mean just because a couple is spending time alone doesn't mean they are sinning.. because, true, a couple might need alone time together to really get to know each other before making the most important choice of their life. Yet, in some cases, if they know they have trouble staying pure by spending to much time alone should they not stick with public places more? Isn't it setting yourself up for failure by spending to much one on one time in those cases? again, only my opinion
 
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