The war on Biblical marriage--is it the end?

[MrOrganic100]

Before we go relying upon articles and/or the opinions of man, we need to look to scripture. We need to remember that not all of the people we find in our churches are Christians, even if they say or think they are. (See Matthew Chapters 7 and 13) This is why we need to take our time and prayerfully consider marriage.

While I cannot deny that the educational systems of the world do an excellent job of causing young Christian ladies to struggle with certain issues, I don't believe for a moment that the Church, Christians or marriage are without hope. There is always hope in Christ. As women begin to mature in Christ, the blinders will fall off and they will come to understand that being cherished by the man they love and not taking on far more burdens than God ever intended them to carry is a blessing, not a curse. That said, let us remember that not all men are up to that responsibility, nor do they care to be. Nothing wrong with that either.

I can't blame men OR women for being cautious about marriage. It's tough. Not everyone is up for it. It can be difficult to find someone who is as dedicated to the Lord and to a marriage as you may be.

Remember that for every woman who "either committed adultery, divorced for unbiblical reasons, or deliberately deprived them of sex, or nagged them half to death and refused to submit" there may be just as many men who either committed adultery, divorced for unbiblical reasons, lost interest in their wives sexually, and/or chose to twist submission into abuse or control.

So why are there so many Christian articles telling men to man up and pursue marriage? Look it up, they're all over the internet.

 

[MrOrganic100]

I forgot to say something. I have been talking with other Christian women (single moms/married/divorced) and several of them have said that one of the most confusing things to them is their role in the marriage. They WANT to care for their homes and families, but also find themselves having to bring home much of the bacon as well. Their husbands want them to share the husband's responsibilities, but their husbands are not willing to help with what the men consider to be "woman's work". I'm not saying that these women don't want to work necessarily, I'm saying that many of them love their families and find their jobs enjoyable, but they are torn, stressed out and tired by trying to be Super Woman.

That's because most jobs don't pay enough these days. If a man has an average paid job and his wife is not working, it can be very difficult paying for a child and all the bills. But the stories that I've heard from married men, their wives hate being dependant and want to earn their own money. There are millions of professing Christians in the world, and I believe the majority don't even take their roles seriously. It's very messed up.

 

[seoulsearch]

So why are there so many Christian articles telling men to man up and pursue marriage? Look it up, they're all over the internet.

Well, if you don't feel a call to get married and are happy being celibate the rest of your life, you certainly don't have to marry... No matter who might be saying otherwise. The Bible also says there can be a great call in remaining single and simply serving Him.

 

[Jullianna]

So why are there so many Christian articles telling men to man up and pursue marriage? Look it up, they're all over the internet.

Do you know any men who are not willing to be the sole breadwinner in the marriage so that their wives can be the submissive wife and mother they expect their wives to be, even if it might mean working two jobs? Do you know any men who call themselves Christians who have children out of wedlock they are neither caring for nor supporting? Are there men who allow themselves to be pushed around by the women in their lives just because it is easier than standing up to them? Do you know of any Christian men who are engaging in sexual activity outside of wedlock, porn addiction included? Do you know of any man who are not taking on leadership roles within our churches, whether married or not? If these articles you speak of are written by true Christians from a biblical perspective (and if not, why heed them?), could these men be part of the reason for the articles?

 

[Jullianna]

That's because most jobs don't pay enough these days. If a man has an average paid job and his wife is not working, it can be very difficult paying for a child and all the bills. But the stories that I've heard from married men, their wives hate being dependant and want to earn their own money. There are millions of professing Christians in the world, and I believe the majority don't even take their roles seriously. It's very messed up.

Many couples/families live beyond their means. We live in an instant gratification society. Couples marry and expect the big expensive wedding, a new house, two new cars, the most current gizmos/gadgets and creature comforts available. They are not willing to work together as a team and/or make sacrifices.

In some marriages the husband will work more than one job to support his family while the wife cares for the home and family. Once the children have been raised, the wife is free to pursue a career if she chooses to. Putting your children's needs before yours is part of the responsibility of having them. My mom and stepdad raised seven kids very comfortably this way.

In some marriages, both the husband and wife agree to work as a team to hold jobs and share home/child care responsibilities, with the husband to take the leadership role. This worked extremely well for my late husband and I because I LIKE to work AND I love taking care of my home/family. Not all men OR women are up for this though. It, too, involves compromise and sacrifice.

My point is that some guys want to have their cake and eat it too. They want their wives to work so that they don't have to work two jobs AND they want the godly submissive wife who takes care of the home and family all by herself. Why would the "weaker vessel" be required to carry 3/4 of the load? If the man is only willing to carry 1/4 of the load, should he not "man up" and carry more? Does a true leader expect more of others than of himself? Could these be the men who are the subjects of these articles?

As far as I am concerned, I don't see the need for anyone to marry unless they want to or feel called to marriage. Since divorce stats show us that around 50% of all marriages ("Christian" or not) end in divorce, there are clearly a LOT of people who aren't cut out for it (And I do not mean this to be a reflection upon any spouse who was willing to try, but the other was not. Sometimes one has what it takes, but the other doesn't.), whether they are male or female. I have found that being single is definitely easier than being married, but not nearly as fulfilling.

 

[adekruif]

So...does that make men that aren't pursuing marriage childish?

I am single and currently don't mind it enough to put any real effort into a relationship. I could if I wanted, but I see a few things that I need to work on before I get hitched. So what you're saying is, based on these articles, that I need to man up, and get married even though there are issues that need to be fixed? Go ahead and tell me to man up, but I'll fix issues before walking into a ticking time bomb marriage...it's hard enough to stay together in the first place without adding extra complications.


And p.s. Everything on the internet is true.

 

[Jullianna]

If you know you aren't ready, I don't think it makes you childish, adekruif. I think it makes you realistic. Jumping into a relationship one is not ready for is foolish.

 

[Fenner]

Husband's and wives should submit and cherish each other. It shouldn't be one sided. Marriage is a partnership, working together and discussing issues is a good thing. God wants us to submit to each other.

 

[MrOrganic100]

Husband's and wives should submit and cherish each other. It shouldn't be one sided. Marriage is a partnership, working together and discussing issues is a good thing. God wants us to submit to each other.

So who is the head of the family?

 

[MrOrganic100]

Do you know any men who are not willing to be the sole breadwinner in the marriage so that their wives can be the submissive wife and mother they expect their wives to be, even if it might mean working two jobs? Do you know any men who call themselves Christians who have children out of wedlock they are neither caring for nor supporting? Are there men who allow themselves to be pushed around by the women in their lives just because it is easier than standing up to them? Do you know of any Christian men who are engaging in sexual activity outside of wedlock, porn addiction included? Do you know of any man who are not taking on leadership roles within our churches, whether married or not? If these articles you speak of are written by true Christians from a biblical perspective (and if not, why heed them?), could these men be part of the reason for the articles?

I don't know, because these articles seem to imply that it's the men that are the problem, not the women. If these articles focused on both men and women then it would be balanced. But to focus on just one gender is quite sexist, in my opinion.

 

[Jullianna]

I don't know, because these articles seem to imply that it's the men that are the problem, not the women. If these articles focused on both men and women then it would be balanced. But to focus on just one gender is quite sexist, in my opinion.

Why not write articles in that regard?

 

[MrOrganic100]

Hi,

My guess is you have been reading the Conservative Christian side of the manosphere, something like Dalrock's blog. I don't agree with Dalrock on everything, but he does make some good points. It does seem like Feminism is the root of most of the social ills he addresses.

I don't think your questions is a good one 'why in the name of common sense would Christians be seeking marriage?'

If a sincere single Christian man wants to have sex... it is a biological urge... and doesn't have that gift to just ignore the urge to reproduce for life, and it is a sin against God to commit fornication... uh, well, that leads to marriage.

I think a better question is why he would want to marry the typical American girl, or even the typical American church girl or the typical American Evangelical girl. Even in the US, it is still possible to find Christian wives who are willing to be submissive, respectful/reverent toward their husbands, obedient, diligent around the home, diligent in the bedroom, good mothers, and faithful both in regard to not committing adultery and not divorcing her husband if times get tough.

The trick is to find a Christian woman with those traits who is a good fit for you. If you marry the typical American woman with the typical American view on divorce, then she may divorce you and take half your stuff and get the kids most of the time. You invest years of your life, and then she determines that she is not haaaappy. So she gets a unilateral divorce. Our messed up family law system may give her the kids most of the time and make you pay child support even though she was the one who decided to destroy the marriage. Legally, if you marry, you are vulnerable.

But if you marry a woman who truly fears the Lord who has a different philosophy, things may go differently. She realizes that if she isn't happy, she need to work on being happy or improving her situation within the marriage. She realizes that if she dumped you to find someone to make her happy, that's adultery, and it isn't pleasing to God. Such a sin is not an option for her.

Virginity-- that's another desirable trait in a bride. In the 1990's, Teachman found that women who had one sexual partner were much less likely to divorce than those who had multiple sexual partners. Marrying a virgin can greatly decrease your chances of getting a divorce. Of course, God-fearing sexually pure women are likely to want God-fearing sexually pure men, not ungodly playboy MRAs trying to reduce their chances of getting stuck with child support payments later in life. So it makes sense to stay close to the Lord. He who finds a wife receives favor from the LORD. The LORD is the one who enables a man find a good wife.


Submission--if I were single and looking for a wife, I'd emphasize that I was looking for a submissive, obedient, and respectful wife. I'm actually an easy going kind of guy, not the kind who writes lists of chores and says scrub between the tiles, wifey, with a toothbrush. My wife and discussed our mutual belief that a wife should submit to a husband early in marriage. That issue can be tough enough for a woman even if she agrees with it intellectually. But if she doesn't, it's harder. I made a mistake by not setting the tone and pointing out violations of submission and respect early on, but I eventually realized that. It's usually only an issue when my wife is under stress. If she's too bossy or disrespectful in the dating relationship when she's supposed to be on her best behavior, that's a warning sign. If she is very respectful and deferent to her father (male authority figure) that is a good sign.

If a Christian woman has damaging 'feminist' type thinking, and won't change when you point out what the Bible says, IMO, that's a good sign to let go of that relationship. For me, it would be a deal breaker. For example, if she bucked against the idea of submission, quoting ideas she heard on the Oprah Winfrey show. Or if she said she didn't want to take her husband's last name because she wanted to be independent, that could be a deal-breaker. Exceptions would be women from cultures with other customs, and maybe celebrities whose names are worth real money. (I probably wouldn't consider a Hollywood actress for a wife anyway if I were single.)

Divorce-- you have to find a woman who is anti-divorce. A lot of evangelical churches are soft on divorce or just don't talk about it or teach on the subject. Like feminism, those who preach and teach may be afraid of stepping on toes. Find out under what circumstances a potential marriage partner agrees with divorce, and if she is too 'liberal' about it, and won't change her thinking in light of scripture, that is a definite reason to break it off, IMO, a really big deal breaker. A woman might allow for divorce for adultery or abuse. But if she allows for divorce if she isn't happy, or if you just grow apart, and won't change her beliefs when you show her what Jesus and Paul said, it's not worth it. Find someone else who can commit for life. I found out my wife's beliefs about divorce in greater detail after our engagement during some brief marriage counseling sessions. The preacher asked her if I cheated on her, what would she do. I hadn't asked her about it because I am so committed to not doing that, and I was (purposefully) a virgin at marriage.

If I had it to do over again, before engagement, I'd have asked her about that, not about me, but about some other couple I knew or read about. You can tell your potential spouse about a woman whose husband cheated on her once, repented before the Lord, and wanted her to stay with him. What would be the best thing for the wife to do? I'd also ask about domestic violence. Suppose a husband and wife argue and the husband punched his wife once. Should they divorce? Is she allowed to remarry if she divorces him over that? I've been married for ten years and never did anything like that to my wife, and I'm not encouraging that. But if you ask a question like this of a woman and she thinks it's best if a wife reconciles with her husband, that shows at least in her mind she is committed to marriage. If she thinks the woman must divorce after a one off incident, I'd be a bit concerned. You could ask about different scenarios over time. Too much talk on these topics could creep her out, though.

You could also ask her about the idea that wives can divorce their husbands over porn. If she thinks if her husband looks at a Playboy, she can divorce him (over 'adultery in the heart'), she might divorce you if you look at the waitress the wrong way. Adultery in the heart is a sin against the Lord, but husband and wife are one in body. Physically having sex with a prostitute makes a man one in body with her (I Corinthians 6.) It doesn't say that about the eye or the mind. If you have a porn problem, deal with it fast and don't subject a wife too it. But I think it's good to talk a lot about the topic with a woman to make sure she doesn't easily justify divorce, especially divorce and remarriage.

Another thing to discuss is I Corinthians 7. Does she think a wife should render 'due benevolence' whenever the wife feels like it, or whenever the husband feels like it. IMO, the A+ answer for her perspective is whenever either one wants to. There are other Biblical and ethical issues to consider (e.g. menstruation, health issues), but those issues aside, a potential marriage partner should take the responsibility to render 'due benevolence' in marriage seriously. That doesn't mean she won't also enjoy it and consider it a fun thing. Some women may never have been taught on this topic or considered I Corinthians 7 carefully. So she may need some instruction on the matter to help her form her own understanding and philosophy of the issue. A fornicating man may look for a woman with the same drive as himself. But how many men lament that their wives were very interested and eager before marriage, but all that went away after they tied the man down in marriage? If a woman is a virgin, her 'drive' may not be apparent, but if you both agree on the same expectations (meet each other needs and desires), IMO, that can go a lot farther than trying to 'take the care for a test drive.' I've never done the 'test drive' thing since my wife and I were virgins at marriage. If you both know how you are supposed to act in regard to 'due benevolence', then if some biological or emotional issue gets in the way, you should be in agreement to work on improving things.

Money is the other big issue couples argue about. You can talk about who manages the money in marriage. This could fall under the submission discussion if the man wants to manage the money. You should also discuss whether she will work or stay at home. Do you want to live in the same place? Talk about financial and practical issues.

I believe it is possible to go into a typical evangelical church that is effected a bit by Feminism, and still find a woman who would make a good 'nonfeminist'...but very feminine bride. If it isn't working for you, Asia has more women than the US. You have to be selective there, too. Africa and Latin American have women, too. Nationality doesn't guarantee what kind of woman you will get. In the US, there are different churches and subcultures. Maybe you could find a traditional ex-Amish girl, or a Mennonite. There are patriarchal, sexual purity, and patriarchal church movements. You can go to conferences and ask fathers to court their daughters. You could marry one of those young virgins who have been trained to be perfect wives, cooking meals from scratch and making candles out of bees wax, and doting on your every word. If you hit it off with a girl like that, she might make you a good non-feminist wife. But she and her dad would probably want her to have someone very serious about his faith, so it probably won't work for the typical American guy.

For a lot of Christian men, a life without companionship and at least attempts at reproduction just don't cut it. Fornication is not an option. Marriage is the Biblical alternative. So these men must seek marriage. If marrying a feminist isn't an option, don't marry a feminist. Don't marry someone who adopts the dominant national culture.

I agree with you. I have always believed that if a Christian is to get married, they need to be very discerning and careful whom they marry. But in all honesty, how many single women in modern day churches believe in these things: Submitting to their husband's leadership and being dependant on him; is strongly opposed to modern day feminism; believes that it's a wife's duty to be a helper to her husband; believes that divorce can only happen in the case of adultery. If you're honest, these women are extremely rare in modern day churches. Not only that, but people--both men and women--can be deceptive. A few days ago I read from a Christian husband whose wife told him on their honey moon that she hated sex. But she never told him this until he put the ring on her finger. He said that his marriage has been a living hell. So like I've said, be extremely careful whom you marry.

I agree with you that there are still Western women in the church who are godly, but I think the odds are too risky. For every good woman and every good man, there are probably five other bad women and bad men. The odds are not great. For example, suppose there were three small churches in your local area, each church holding approximately twenty single women. How many of these women are truly godly, that believes in all the qualities I have mentioned above? On the internet, I've only come across a tiny minority of Christian women who believe in these qualities. The vast majority reject the idea of the husband being the head, and many of them think it's okay to divorce for unbiblical reasons.

For me the problem is obvious--people are more controlled by the secular world rather than the word of God. In Jesus' day, men and women understood their roles. Women grew up in a culture where men were the leaders and providers. This was the norm. Jesus never changed this. All He did was treat women with respect and compassion, the way men should treat women. But he never changed the order of things. Men were still expected to be the leaders and providers, with the exception of a tiny minority of women who were chosen by God for a specific purpose.

But today in Western culture, women grow up to embrace feminism. It's a whole different culture. So when a woman, in her 20's or 30's, becomes a Christian and joins a church, the idea of submitting to her husband and being dependant on him can be very hard to accept. But in Jesus' day, women, since childhood, were conditioned to embrace male leadership. So by the time they were adults they naturally expected their husbands to be the leaders and providers. But the culture today is very different. Male authority and leadership is despised, and many Western women, even after becoming Christian, despise this teaching.

The thing Christians need to do is to oppose the secular world as much as possible and stick with Biblical traditions, no matter how "outdated" they may seem. That's why the Bible say, "Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God." (James 4:4). [SUB]This is the very problem with modern day Christianity. Most people in church are unable to fully commit to God's word. Even if they refrain from all sexual sin and think to themselves, "I'm a good Christian," they will still watch ungodly TV programs, or go to the bar and have a few pints. These things are of the world, yet so many Christians truly believe that they're not doing anything wrong. Why did Jesus say that only few will enter heaven? Was He just saying that for a joke? I think not. God, knowing all things, knew that the vast majority of people, even in the church, could never completely separate themselves from the world. To do this, you have to have Jesus at the centre of your heart. Yet Christians who say that Jesus is in their heart will pick and choose what Scriptures to follow. But Jesus said, "If you love Me, keep My commandments." (John 14:15). But for some reason, most Christians seem to think that this verse does not apply to them.

I'm not saying we're all perfect. What I'm saying is that we need to make every effort to separate ourselves from the world and put God's word above anything else. But it's very rare I see a church that has this mindset. And the issue of wifely submission seems to be one of those teachings that is being shunned in most churches.[/SUB]

 

[MrOrganic100]

Why not write articles in that regard?

Because I don't want to start another battle of the sexes nonsense.

 

[Nautilus]

/grabs popcorn and gets comfy...

 

[CatHerder]

...so wha'd I miss?

 

[DragonSlayer]

This is simple really. Who is the prince of this world ? The evil one. Does he love marriage ? No, he wants to destroy it.
What are his means to destroy marriage ? Evil spirits of lies, deception, adultery and fornication.
What is promoted today worldwide and what is ridiculed worldwide ? You do the maths.

Feminism does not come from the Lord, feminism comes from the world, feminism comes from the prince of the world, feminism comes from the evil one, feminism is evil !!!!!!!!!!!!

Feminism hates feminine women who are submissive to their husbands. They are ignorant and filled with a diabolical hatred for true men and true women. Is it a big surprise feminism and sodomite movement strongly support each other ? Not at all !

The Father Almighty is the head of the Son Jesus-Christ, Jesus-Christ is the head of every husband, the parents are the head of their children, and the husband shouldn't be the head of his wife ? Isn't that a direct rebellion against the natural chain of commands the Lord established even before the whole universe and all that is in it were created ?

Feminism is against marriage, feminism is pro death and is against life for it supports and encourages adultery, fornication, masturbation, gold-digging , nagging, belittling, hypocrisy and lies, cruel deception and manipulation, playing stone-hearted head games, total lack of empathy, unfaithfulness, abortion, and divorce !!!!

Friendship with diabolical feminazism is a declared enmity with the Lord and the natural order He established !

The gates of hell will never prevail against the Church,
and so the gates of feminazism will never prevail against true Christian marriage !

 

[presidente]

As far as I am concerned, I don't see the need for anyone to marry unless they want to or feel called to marriage. Since divorce stats show us that around 50% of all marriages ("Christian" or not) end in divorce, there are clearly a LOT of people who aren't cut out for it (And I do not mean this to be a reflection upon any spouse who was willing to try, but the other was not. Sometimes one has what it takes, but the other doesn't.), whether they are male or female. I have found that being single is definitely easier than being married, but not nearly as fulfilling.

I Corinthians 7 says to marry to prevent fornication. If someone is 'burning' with a desire to marry, have that kind of companionship, have children, and to have sex, he should marry.

 

[Jullianna]

I Corinthians 7 says to marry to prevent fornication. If someone is 'burning' with a desire to marry, have that kind of companionship, have children, and to have sex, he should marry.

How successful do you think a marriage will be if the sole basis for it is reproduction?

 

[presidente]

I agree with you. I have always believed that if a Christian is to get married, they need to be very discerning and careful whom they marry. But in all honesty, how many single women in modern day churches believe in these things: Submitting to their husband's leadership and being dependant on him; is strongly opposed to modern day feminism; believes that it's a wife's duty to be a helper to her husband; believes that divorce can only happen in the case of adultery. If you're honest, these women are extremely rare in modern day churches. Not only that, but people--both men and women--can be deceptive.

I've been talking about the US, and I think there are larger pockets of very conservative churches. I'm not Anglican, but from press releases, I get the impression that Anglican churches tend to be liberal. I know there is a wide spectrum of Anglican churches in England, but I hear there are more conservative churches, too. Are the Charismatics over there conservative on things like this? There are also Brethren, Baptist, and independent Charismatic churches in the UK, and some of these groups may be more conservative when it comes to marriage.

If you want a submissive wife, you can also go for the shy, naturally submissive woman, or ethnic minorities.

I've traveled quite a bit, and your generalizations aren't true of some parts of Asia. In some countries, if you ask the average woman in a church, even on the street, if a wife should submit to her husband, she would say yes. Feminism is a powerful force in the west and has influence all over the world, but it hasn't taken root in the thinking to the same extent in some countries. In the UK, there are ethnic minorities and I would guess that there are Christians among these minorities.

Also, keep in mind that Bible-believing women have difficulty finding good husbands. It can be hard for the young Christian woman who wants to marry for life and is willing to be submissive to find a good quality husband. Like you say, a lot of men will go drink a few pints. If she doesn't want a man like that, or a man with porn on his hard drive, a man who really fears the Lord, such men can be hard to find. If she wants to submit to her husband, she may be looking for a man who will lead, maybe even a man who would be willing to work extra hours so she can stay home with the kids. Such men are also hard to find. Good, godly wives who emrace their role are hard to find, but are they any harder to find than godly husbands who embrace their role?

I agree with you that there are still Western women in the church who are godly, but I think the odds are too risky. For every good woman and every good man, there are probably five other bad women and bad men. The odds are not great.

No one marries the odds. A man marries a woman. The thing is, you only need ONE wife. It doesn't matter how statitically improbable you would get a good wone if you picked a random wive out of a pool of wives. No believer needs to be depressed about the statistical improbability of meeting a godly potential spouse. Our lives aren't in the hands of probability. A believer can pray to God and ask Him to bring a spouse. Even statistically, looking at things that way isn't the way to look at it. The population, statistically, is not the entire country, or all professing Christians in a country. You can go to a church that embraces Biblical doctrine on marriage and meet women there. You can even go to another country. There is an old saying 'Ora et labora.'

If there is a jar full of 10,000 black marbles with two red marbles in it, and you want red marbles, fish around and pull out the red marble. Finding a wife isn't a random draw. The restriction is her having to like you back. I guess in some countries the restriction is her dad having to like you back.

If you don't feel a compelling need to marry, good for you. Focus on serving the Lord. But I think you are promoting an idea that leaves men feeling unnecessarily hopeless when it comes to looking for a good wife, if they embrace it.

A few days ago I read from a Christian husband whose wife told him on their honey moon that she hated sex. But she never told him this until he put the ring on her finger. He said that his marriage has been a living hell. So like I've said, be extremely careful whom you marry.

That's a good lesson for wife selection criteria. One is to vet potential spouses for honesty. Another is to discuss sexual expectations before marriage. But a man in that kind of situation may not be doomed to never have sex. If she was a virgin, she may well have hated sex after a rough first time, and she could have been speaking out of his emotions. As a husband, he needs to learn to take what his wife says into perspective. Sometimes women are talking about their feelings at the moment, and that doesn't mean they will always feel that way. He can also encourage her that she will learn to love it, and gently remind her he has expectations.

On the internet, I've only come across a tiny minority of Christian women who believe in these qualities. The vast majority reject the idea of the husband being the head, and many of them think it's okay to divorce for unbiblical reasons.

A man who wants a godly wife shouldn't pick a woman off the Internet, at random. I've seen a Christian forum where most women react negatively to the word submission. I don't see that on this forum.

Some of the really conservative Christian families in the US see the problem with gender roles in the culture and have a lot of kids so they can train them and impact the culture that way.

 

[presidente]

How successful do you think a marriage will be if the sole basis for it is reproduction?

I've never had one of those. But one's personal desire for sex, companionship, etc. can be used to determine if one should marry or not. That doesn't mean that's all marriage is about.