Feeling Hatred towards the Other Woman

[Angela53510]

Adultery breaks the marriage bond. It is hurtful and devastating to a marriage. If he had done this a long, long time ago, and never again, I would ask you to consider staying. But you are saying "November" only a few months ago, and the cheating woman is still in church and mocking you.

First, get tested for ALL the STD's. Everyone who slept with your husband, who slept with other people could be the starting point for trouble. That is a lot more than just AIDS. Then find a place where you can develop your own life, including such vital things as getting a driver's license. As for money, were you being paid in your position in ministry in your church? If not, I would resign and focus on finding a job to support yourself.

As for your husband, do not take him back because he texts you something pretty. He is a cheater, and I don't see much of an apology in that text. I see terrible manipulation, to get you back, to have his cake and eat it too. But don't divorce him. Give him a chance to change. To get an accountability partner and to go through some courses on marriage faithfulness.

Find your own life, and you may be able to forgive him. As for the other women, forgive them for your own sake, because you are being hurt because your anger. I don't blame you for hating them, but Jesus does want to forgive. That does not mean forget. But it does mean realize that they are disturbed people and not following Jesus, by committing adultery. I find it very hard to believe any of these people are really Christians, committing such a terrible sin against you can God. Not that it is mine to judge.

Praying you find some peace and your own life. And if God wills, for your husband to find God and repent of his evil ways

 

[Jullianna]

Nicky, I'm so sorry you have been so deeply hurt. I have prayed for you.

I'm glad you have decided to take some time for yourself before making any permanent decisions. Please don't allow anyone to push you into making a permanent decision either way right now.

As others have suggested, please be tested for STDs, and I agree with you that it is very wise to put off having children for now. I hope that you are able to find a good Christian counselor to speak with.

Perhaps your husband is telling the truth and will change. Perhaps not. But, your first concern right now must be your physical, emotional and spiritual health. If he loves you as he says he does, he will see this and give you the time and space you need to begin the healing process.

I would hope that your pastor and his wife would help protect you from both the young woman and your husband right now. YOU are the victim here. Yes, in time you know you will need to forgive them both for your own sake, but that takes time and won't happen overnight. God sees your heart and knows you want to follow His ways, but HE knows it will take time as well.

I'm so glad you have come here to pour out your heart. Few things help as much as getting toxic hurtful feelings out. I pray it is greatly helping you to do so. We are listening and praying with you.

 

[Nicky27]

Thanks Juianna and Angela. Just the thought of having to get tested for STIs makes me sick to my stomach being that Ive never slept with anyone but my husband in my entire life, but I understand the reasoning. What are some silent STIs that dont show any symptoms? Just curious. I am working right now. My church position was not a paid position. I have been so dependent on my husband. Hes been everything to me, but now I have to learn how to function without him so I can think clearly to make the right decision. For now, I will avoid church. I absolutely can not see Mrs. Smirky face right now. It is making me sick. I cant even sleep at night once I see her. My pastor is trying his best to help me even though he pastors a large congregation. I think this is making him so sad for me. I could see it in his eyes, but I also see that He thinks my husband loves me and will not ever do it again. I would like to go more in depth but I dont know if anyone in this forum is from my church so I will not. But what I can say is that based on Sundays sermon, I know he wants us to work things out and He is trying his best as a pastor to help mend us. He is the greatest pastor ever. I just need to figure things out for myself because at the end of the day, its my life.

 

[proverbs35]

First and foremost, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Nicky27 said: We've been married for 5 years. I got married at 21.
This is a red flag. You haven't been married very long, and you are already dealing with serial adultery.

Nicky27 said: I feel so depressed and I think its ruining our marriage now because it's as if we are taking steps backward because of my anger and sadness.
There are legitimate reasons for you to be angry. However, as believers, we can't afford to allow anger - no matter how legitimate- to cause us to sin (Ep 4:26). I won't list the verses here, but Solomon had a lot to say about anger. Perhaps, you'll get an opportunity to read and meditate on those verses.

Nicky27 said: I believe that my husband wont cheat on me again.
Hypothetically speaking, what do you base that belief on? What "fruit" has your husband shown that would make you believe that he won't do it again?

Nicky27 said: I trusted my husband completely.
This is a huge learning lesson. The Bible warns us about putting our trust in man - flesh as Jeremiah calls it. Complete trust should only be placed in God. Sometimes, God will allow us to go thorough certain hardships in order for us to learn how to trust Him more completely.

• Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint. Pr 25:19

• It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. Ps 118:8

• Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. Ps 146:3

• Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem? Is 2:22

• This is what the LORD says: “Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD. Je 17:5

1 Co 13:7 states that "love always trusts." How and why would we put complete trust in people when the Bible warns us against that? The Message translation takes this Biblical warning into account and translates it appropriately. "Love ... trusts God always" (1 Co 13:7 Message).

Nicky27 said: I believe he loves me
Love is what love does.

Nicky27 said: Sometimes I think my death would be a reward.
My dear precious sister:
Your will to live shouldn't be centered upon your husband or anyone else other than Jesus. I'm reminded of one of my favorite hymns - Because He Lives.

God sent his son
They called him Jesus
He came to love
Heal and forgive
He lived and died
To buy my pardon
An empty grave
Is there to prove
My Savior lives

Because he lives I can face tomorrow
Because he lives All fear is gone
Because I know
He holds the future
And life is worth the living
Just because he lives
because he lives

Nicky27 said: Sometimes I think maybe it was my fault because they were times that I wasn't that great sexually speaking.
But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself (Pr 6:32).

Nicky27 said: Do you think I made the wrong decision to stay?
Whether you stay or leave, it's your decision. No one can really tell you what to do here, that's your decision to make. If you are not ready and or willing to leave, then don't. Don't let others pressure you to leave or stay. Pray about it, and be led by God.

I've seen people (mostly women) leave toxic relationships before they were truly ready to do it becuase others pressured them into it. However, as soon as the mood or opportunity struck, they ran right back into that relationship. The Bible tells us that when the prodigal son "came to his senses" he got up from the pigpen and returned to his father's house. Why is that relevant? Sometimes, in life, we all need to "come to our senses" and realize that we no longer have to remain in the pigpen (whatever our individual and various pigpens may be). However, no one can come to that realization for us. Like the prodigal son, it's something that we have to realize and "come to" for ourselves.

I pray that God will give you strength and direction.

 

[Nicky27]

I can't tell you what to do from here, regarding your marriage, because I don't know how I myself would handle being cheated on with someone whom I'm married too. I find marriage to be so scared that I would struggle to stay with the person if they did. However, as some have said, there will be a time where you have to forgive. Not meaning to be harsh or cold, but at the end day you are responsible for the way you react/handle things in your heart.

What Christ did on the cross trumps every excuse we have to hold onto hurt, pain, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness etc. My advice is start to implement a lifestyle of forgiving, a true forgiveness. Yes it will hurt but I know it will help set you free from the brokeness. God cannot forgive us who do not forgive others. It's that simple. One day we all have to stand before a holy God and give an account, scary thought but it's true. Will be praying for you my sister.

I actually realized I made a mistake, we've been married 6 years now, not 5. Sigh. You make valid points. My husbands half brother was a serial cheater too. I guess it runs in the blood. His whole family has problems. His bro had an early demise at 17 because of his poor behavior. Thanks for your prayers.

 

[Nicky27]

I am leaving him today. This is the last message I sent him: "One last thing I wanted to say and Im done. You need to make a change for yourself and for the sake of everyone else around you. You need to rebuild your relationship with God before you can rebuild it with anyone else. You need to make your priorities straight. You need to understand what marriage is and the value of marriage. You need to drop your pride. You need to be completely honest with your pastor and stay close to him. You need to stop caring what people think more than what your spouse thinks. You need to learn the different between a lie and the truth. You need to realize that most of the things you do is to make yourself feel better and not other people. That is wrong. You need to realize that you are not smarter than everyone else and realize what and who really matters here. Please look up the definition of narcissism. I am not trying to beat you up but you need deliverance. All I want you to do is work on yourself. Thats all."

 

[MidniteWelder]

Sometimes the truth hurts people like that when they've built their life on enough lies that when they're exposed it doesnt hold them up under the weight of the world any longer
He'll likely be devastated
But that's probably what he needs in order to change, is to be broken so that he can be rebuilt.
Not of his own merits, but of Christs merits manifested through him.

I think it's good you told him he needs to stop worrying about what other people think.
Because so often that's one of the biggest factors in a person being misled.
They end up being led by the blind instead of the one who should have been leading them in the first place.
I see that all too often.
I'll pray God keeps you strengthened through all this...He is our Rock after all Nicky.

 

[Jullianna]

Nicky, thank you for updating us. You are right to protect yourself from further pain while you prayerfully sort things out. I see through your words that your faith remains strong. Praying that God will wrap His arms around you and give you His peace and wisdom. I pray for your church, that they will support you and lift you up in prayer. I pray for your husband, that God will deal with his heart, show him the damage this behavior has done to everyone involved, and make it clear to him that sleeping around like this must stop whether you decide to work things out with him or not. I pray for that woman as well, that God would bring her to her knees and help her understand the damage she and your husband have done to a thing as holy as marriage.

I understand that you are afraid of being tested and someone learning of this, but I really would encourage you to do so for a couple of reasons:

1. If this woman has the nerve to gloat, as she appears to be doing, chances are she has a history of sleeping around. You have no way of knowing what she has exposed herself to;
2. I hate to say this, but your husband may have been with more women than you realize. You already know of two. There could be more on his side too;
3. You will likely want children down the line. This has hurt you enough. I don't want to see you hurt more down the line by having something affect your ability to have children.

I know you have other things on your mind right now, but please don't neglect your health. You asked for info on diseases, so I have looked up some things for you. Please, please read them. As you said, some of these diseases can be silent, yet cause a great deal of damage. Please protect yourself and any future children you may have. Get checked if for no other reason than peace of mind.

STD: The Silent Killers
Chlamydia - Symptoms Diagnosis and Treatment Of Chlamydia

I'm sure you feel embarrassed about this, but remember that YOU have done nothing wrong here. If it makes you feel better, perhaps you could see a doctor who lives in another town where no one knows you. Do whatever you can to make it easier on you, but please do it no matter how uncomfortable you feel.

Will keep praying for you.

Love in Christ

 

[Nicky27]

Nicky, thank you for updating us. You are right to protect yourself from further pain while you prayerfully sort things out. I see through your words that your faith remains strong. Praying that God will wrap His arms around you and give you His peace and wisdom. I pray for your church, that they will support you and lift you up in prayer. I pray for your husband, that God will deal with his heart, show him the damage this behavior has done to everyone involved, and make it clear to him that sleeping around like this must stop whether you decide to work things out with him or not. I pray for that woman as well, that God would bring her to her knees and help her understand the damage she and your husband have done to a thing as holy as marriage.

I understand that you are afraid of being tested and someone learning of this, but I really would encourage you to do so for a couple of reasons:

1. If this woman has the nerve to gloat, as she appears to be doing, chances are she has a history of sleeping around. You have no way of knowing what she has exposed herself to;
2. I hate to say this, but your husband may have been with more women than you realize. You already know of two. There could be more on his side too;
3. You will likely want children down the line. This has hurt you enough. I don't want to see you hurt more down the line by having something affect your ability to have children.

I know you have other things on your mind right now, but please don't neglect your health. You asked for info on diseases, so I have looked up some things for you. Please, please read them. As you said, some of these diseases can be silent, yet cause a great deal of damage. Please protect yourself and any future children you may have. Get checked if for no other reason than peace of mind.

STD: The Silent Killers
Chlamydia - Symptoms Diagnosis and Treatment Of Chlamydia

I'm sure you feel embarrassed about this, but remember that YOU have done nothing wrong here. If it makes you feel better, perhaps you could see a doctor who lives in another town where no one knows you. Do whatever you can to make it easier on you, but please do it no matter how uncomfortable you feel.

Will keep praying for you.

Love in Christ

Thanks julianna. I thought that you should know that the first girl he slept witg was an adopted relative whom he used to sleep with in the past before he met me. She has been raped by her dad and gang raped on two occassions. The second one has also been raped by her father and is similar in personality to the first. My husbands first girlfriend was also a rape victim which seemed to have tramautized him when he talked to me about it. I don't know what the connection is here but I think therapy is a must for him.

 

[Jullianna]

Thanks julianna. I thought that you should know that the first girl he slept witg was an adopted relative whom he used to sleep with in the past before he met me. She has been raped by her dad and gang raped on two occassions. The second one has also been raped by her father and is similar in personality to the first. My husbands first girlfriend was also a rape victim which seemed to have tramautized him when he talked to me about it. I don't know what the connection is here but I think therapy is a must for him.

Wow.... I completely agree. There has been serious damage all the way around here, huh?
I pray he will surrender to the Lord and seek help. I pray these women will do the same.

Mostly I pray that you will not be victimized by this more than you already have been.

 

[Nicky27]

Btw, my last Gyn appointment went well which was last month but I will ask to be tested for any STDs. I believe I have to request to be tested for specific STDs. I will make sure chlamydia is one of them. Thank you so much.

 

[NotWhoI]

I'm praying for you and your husband.

Romans 8:18 & Galatians 6:9 come to mind.[h=1][/h]

 

[Nicky27]

I'm praying for you and your husband.

Romans 8:18 & Galatians 6:9 come to mind.[h=1][/h]

Thank you notwhol. I am waiting for the train to my moms house as I am typing this. My pastor didnt think it was a good idea to leave but I told him everything you guys said and reminded him of the details of what my husband did which sort of left him speechless. I was not going to let him or anyone else convince me to stay. My husband will be in total shock. We will see what happens from here. For the few people who think I should forgive him, I have his phone bill info. And a GPS tracker on his phone and I can check his behavior patterns. I know that is kind of psycho, but I want to see how much I mean to him. Is he really willing to change? And the survey says...we'll see.

Anyhow, We will see what happens from here, but to be honest I don't think I will go back. Thank you for your prayers.

 

[mystdancer50]

Thank you notwhol. I am waiting for the train to my moms house as I am typing this. My pastor didnt think it was a good idea to leave but I told him everything you guys said and reminded him of the details of what my husband did which sort of left him speechless. I was not going to let him or anyone else convince me to stay. My husband will be in total shock. We will see what happens from here. For the few people who think I should forgive him, I have his phone bill info. And a GPS tracker on his phone and I can check his behavior patterns. I know that is kind of psycho, but I want to see how much I mean to him. Is he really willing to change? And the survey says...we'll see.

Anyhow, We will see what happens from here, but to be honest I don't think I will go back. Thank you for your prayers.

You do need to forgive him, regardless if you stay married to him or not. Forgiveness is not for them, but for you. Any unforgiveness is like a poison to your soul. The longer you hold it, the harder to let go. So, yes, forgive him. This doesn't mean you become someone's doormat. You actually set yourself free from being their willing prisoner.

Stay safe as you travel. God bless.

 

[Nicky27]

You do need to forgive him, regardless if you stay married to him or not. Forgiveness is not for them, but for you. Any unforgiveness is like a poison to your soul. The longer you hold it, the harder to let go. So, yes, forgive him. This doesn't mean you become someone's doormat. You actually set yourself free from being their willing prisoner.

Stay safe as you travel. God bless.

You're right. I love him too much not to forgive him anyway but what I really meant to say was forgive him to the point of taking him back. I need to pray so I can forgive the other woman. Thanks.

 

[Jullianna]

You're right. I love him too much not to forgive him anyway but what I really meant to say was forgive him to the point of taking him back. I need to pray so I can forgive the other woman. Thanks.

Remember this scripture?

Mark 9: [SUP]23 [/SUP]“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
[SUP]24 [/SUP]Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I have found forgiving someone of terrible things to be much like this. It's not something that happens immediately, but God honors the desire of your heart to forgive until it actually comes to pass.

I'm glad you are standing up for yourself and protecting yourself. That's number one right now. God will deal with the rest in due time. I pray you come out of this stronger than ever and that somehow, some way, God will find a way to bring good from the pain you are going through.

 

[Agricola]

Yes, its something Christ expects of us, to forgive people for what they have done to us, genuine forgiveness so that you are at peace with the situation and you do not get angry and bitter, amongst other emotions, with the person or situation. Of course forgiveness is not reconciliation and does not mean you have to engage in any communication or contact with them.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Yes I'm a 50 year old male and seen quite a lot in my 25 years of being a Christian. No, I've never married and have been celibate for all of those 25 years though I was sexually promiscuous with women before I became a Christian and thoroughly enjoyed it (except for those pesky guilty feelings which I didn't understand at the time because I wasn't a Christian yet).

What I can tell you is that it is wholly possible for a man to choose not to have sex with other people if he commits himself not to engage in sexual immorality with others. Period.

Not to pile on, but your soon to be ex-husband had the benefit of a beautiful Christian wife which is an advantage I've never had.

I wish you had known what he was like before you married him so you could have made a better choice and saved yourself all this pain and grief. The silver lining here is that you haven't had children with the adulterer.

I've volunteered to help in recovery ministries before and have listened to these guys pour it all out to the group. They come in two flavors: the type that does it once and genuinely repents and the type that keeps on doing it.

Your adulterer has already had two that you know of. Ask yourself, do you want to be married to a serial adulterer? How about with children?

I have an M.Div. and think this article in Christianity Today by Dr. Gary M. Burge the professor of New Testament at Wheaton College and Graduate School is well written. Read it:

Page 1
Page 2
Page 3

AFTER reading all three pages carefully of the article note his conclusion:

"The New Testament, therefore, tells us that marriage is to be seen as a divinely instituted relationship between a man and a woman. It should be monogamous and permanent. However, there are two exceptions where divorce is valid: when a spouse is unfaithful and when an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage. In each case, the marriage is dissolved and the innocent partner is free to remarry.

Divorce is the tragic result of what be comes of humanity as it wrestles with sin and brokenness. Whenever a marriage fails, we should mourn it as tragic. But there should be no error so grave that it cannot be forgiven; no mistake beyond the reach of grace.

Likewise, our God is a God of renewal and restoration. In some cases, this means restoring a marriage to its original partnership. In other cases—and I can think of many—it means that remarriage is an opportunity for renewal and new hope.

This is why churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership positions or remarriage after men and women have divorced. Such a position denies not only the spirit of Jesus' ministry but also misunderstands the grace of God in a broken world."

^ That's exactly right.

Sister, I can only imagine the highly charged emotions, struggle to pay the bills, broken relationships, injured dreams, etc... that you are grappling with but it's better now than later when dealing with a serial adulterer. There will never be any peace or lasting happiness with a serial adulterer and such a one's continuing adultery will injure the children's chance to grow up in a healthy household. Better now than later.

That said, be careful! It's common in my observations for the injured wife of such a man to make foolish decisions afterwards instead of taking the time to reflect and rebuild.

I once watched one young lady, a beautiful Christian young lady jilted by a serial adulterer, end up living in sin with a cop who influenced her to become a real party girl after the divorce. So sad.

This is about recovery now. Support groups, personal inventories, reflection and future goal setting, etc... etc... etc... should be your immediate priority not rushing headlong into a rebound relationship.

Get it right and God bless you.

Does anyone here have a male perspective? Have you done this to your wife? Do you know someone who has? Did you love your wife? I know everyone's case is different.

 

[Nicky27]

Yes I'm a 50 year old male and seen quite a lot in my 25 years of being a Christian. No, I've never married and have been celibate for all of those 25 years though I was sexually promiscuous with women before I became a Christian and thoroughly enjoyed it (except for those pesky guilty feelings which I didn't understand at the time because I wasn't a Christian yet).

What I can tell you is that it is wholly possible for a man to choose not to have sex with other people if he commits himself not to engage in sexual immorality with others. Period.

Not to pile on, but your soon to be ex-husband had the benefit of a beautiful Christian wife which is an advantage I've never had.

I wish you had known what he was like before you married him so you could have made a better choice and saved yourself all this pain and grief. The silver lining here is that you haven't had children with the adulterer.

I've volunteered to help in recovery ministries before and have listened to these guys pour it all out to the group. They come in two flavors: the type that does it once and genuinely repents and the type that keeps on doing it.

Your adulterer has already had two that you know of. Ask yourself, do you want to be married to a serial adulterer? How about with children?

I have an M.Div. and think this article in Christianity Today by Dr. Gary M. Burge the professor of New Testament at Wheaton College and Graduate School is well written. Read it:

Page 1
Page 2
Page 3

AFTER reading all three pages carefully of the article note his conclusion:

"The New Testament, therefore, tells us that marriage is to be seen as a divinely instituted relationship between a man and a woman. It should be monogamous and permanent. However, there are two exceptions where divorce is valid: when a spouse is unfaithful and when an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage. In each case, the marriage is dissolved and the innocent partner is free to remarry.

Divorce is the tragic result of what be comes of humanity as it wrestles with sin and brokenness. Whenever a marriage fails, we should mourn it as tragic. But there should be no error so grave that it cannot be forgiven; no mistake beyond the reach of grace.

Likewise, our God is a God of renewal and restoration. In some cases, this means restoring a marriage to its original partnership. In other cases—and I can think of many—it means that remarriage is an opportunity for renewal and new hope.

This is why churches and Christian institutions are mistaken when they indiscriminately deny the possibility of leadership positions or remarriage after men and women have divorced. Such a position denies not only the spirit of Jesus' ministry but also misunderstands the grace of God in a broken world."

^ That's exactly right.

Sister, I can only imagine the highly charged emotions, struggle to pay the bills, broken relationships, injured dreams, etc... that you are grappling with but it's better now than later when dealing with a serial adulterer. There will never be any peace or lasting happiness with a serial adulterer and such a one's continuing adultery will injure the children's chance to grow up in a healthy household. Better now than later.

That said, be careful! It's common in my observations for the injured wife of such a man to make foolish decisions afterwards instead of taking the time to reflect and rebuild.

I once watched one young lady, a beautiful Christian young lady jilted by a serial adulterer, end up living in sin with a cop who influenced her to become a real party girl after the divorce. So sad.

This is about recovery now. Support groups, personal inventories, reflection and future goal setting, etc... etc... etc... should be your immediate priority not rushing headlong into a rebound relationship.

Get it right and God bless you.

Thanks ageofknowledge. The sad thing is I waited all my life for the one. ..Saved myself when my flesh wanted to do otherwise....Said no to relationships to the most attractive men that I knew would lead to nowhere because I knew they Weren't Christian even though they claimed they were. And this is what I get. "The one" only brought me heart ache and grief. Its so sad, Im actually laughing at myself. I chose the wrong "one." He was the best friend Ive ever had. We finish each others sentences and thoughts. Oh well. Sometimes life just gives you lemons. You don’t always get what you deserve. Story of my life. You guys are my therapy. Love all of you. God bless.

 

[MidniteWelder]

Well Nicky,
You sure do have a healthy minded attitude through all this.
You've been honest, open and haven't held back what you're thinking with seeking God during a very trying time.
That's highly commendable and it shows Gods strong influence in your life.

So...if you feel life has given you a lemon,
Make Orange Juice and leave people wondering how ya did it.