Any thoughts on this method of showing interest (especially guys)

[abbiejean]

Hey Jill!

For us ladies, it is not about fear of rejection OR how others gonna think when they find out We asked the man out, instead of him asking us out, n' it's not about how this man think of us when we initiate. As a matter of fact some men won't mind the lady to initiate. And some ladies think its also our right to initiate, why it's only the man's right?

But the thing is, a Godly woman is a lady! she's humble, loving, graceful, who carries herself with respect. She shouldn't go out of her way to make herself obvious to a specific man, because God will bring him right at her door if that's God's plan for them! It is something from God's hands and He will bring it to you without you doing any effort!

A Godly man on the other hand should get over his fear and see that you deserve him taking the risk of asking you out when you might reject him. This should not intimidate or stop him from asking you because if he can't deal with this feeling now, how would he deal with it later, let's say after marriage when facing bigger issues in life??

However, I don't think it is wrong to give him the green light OR even if you feel you two are on the same page, you can humbly and gracefully mention something and see how he reacts.

Bingo!!! I so like and so agree with.

 

[NightRevan]

Hmm, well the methods of deciding spouses has varied greatly from culture to culture, and through cultures throughout history. The various cultures during the times the Scriptures were written were in some ways very different from our current Western cultures, whether now or in say the 1940-50's, no nuclear families, people were married through parents and kinship groups etc. The dating situation and family structures we have now are quite different, and this is not really saying one is better then the other (both has pluses and minuses, both have aspects both clear and more subtly hidden of the fallen nature of humanity in them). So we have to wrestle with the Scriptures and understand how in translate that into our situations for our generation in this culture, and insure we redefine the current courtship paradigms in ways that are holy and honourable in God's eyes.

With that said, I'm still wrestling , having not really grown up a Christian, I guess for me the attitude I take is as long as any dating plans are such that we don't open ourselves unnecessarily to temptation to engage in any sexual activity prior to marriage I don't really have any particular rules for one kind of approach over another. I don't have a problem with a Christian woman letting me know she is interested in me, or would like to explore how we would get on on a date. In fact I think I might like such honesty as I'm hopeless clueless about 'signs' or 'signals', a few times I've wondered if a girl I liked was interested in me, or just was being friendly, and I just didn't know, so I didn't say anything because I didn't want to risk any friendship I might have with them.

TL/DR - I wouldn't mind a Christian lady telling me she was interested in going out on a date, or even asking me out on one, and I wouldn't think their weren't a lady because they asked me

 

[Donkeyfish07]

When a guy and a girl "click," and they actually like each other, there's really no need to flirt because they already enjoy each other's quirks.

For example, there was a brother who was a mathematician and would help me out in Math Lab when I didn't understand my assignments. In one occasion, I mentioned that I liked my Dad's beard and how it felt on my cheeks when Dad would hug me.

Well, to my surprise, the guy grew a beard, but since I was understanding my assignments, I had not been to Math lab while he was growing his beard, so he'd asked my professor why I wasn't going to Math Lab anymore. By now, my professor is like, "Girl, you may want to go to the Math Lab..." I'm still clueless of what's going on at that point.

Eventually, I went to Math Lab to study for midterms, and sure enough I see this sweet, clean-cut, lumberjack beard!!

...and I'm like, "Howdy, Brother, the Lord has graced you with a nice... ...brain."
...and he's like, "Yeah, I thought you'd like my beard; I grew it for you."

Right there with my backpack still on my shoulder, he asked me if I would agree to be courted by him, which he did for the remainder of the semester until we both discovered that math was all we had in common.

Our hearts were not broken because we were both very cautious to treat the other in the kindest respects. I felt very safe with him, and he adored me for not enticing him; instead we'd encourage one another towards God.

The point is, godly friendships do yield honorable courtships without necessitating the ways of secular flirting.

Now I do strongly disagree with that one, lol...I have to requote that one for emphasis

"When a guy and a girl "click," and they actually like each other, there's really no need to flirt because they already enjoy each other's quirks. "

That makes it sound like people that flirt with each other never actually like each other or ever truly enjoy each others quirks, like it serves no legitimate purpose. I definitely flirt with everyone I click with, them more-so than anyone else. lol. The perspective your presenting just sounds so foreign to me because of how familiar I am with the psychology of it.

Psychologically, people can have a lot of different motivations for flirting.....sometimes it can be for personal gain (This is probably what your considering as secular flirting)....like if it's only because you want someone to do something for you (Like a girl that wants to get a guy to buy her a drink) or just to boost your self esteem (Not because you like the person, but only because you want to use them to feel better about yourself).

It's also used as an expression of romantic interest and to build/strengthen bonds between people, which is the most common motive and the context I have in mind when I speak of it. Especially as the thread is about expressing interest. Here's an article by a P.H.D concerning the topic.

Why Do We Flirt? | Psychology Today


Also, that is a really nice story.....it's a shame that didn't work out for you two. That guy sounds really honorable.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

What would be an example of "honest flirting" that you would not be able to say in plain words to communicate your honest intentions with a girl?

I can think of tons of examples, lol.....placing my hand on hers (Or any instance of casual and respectful touch, that's something that is impossible to verbalize and it's very flirtatious behavior), throwing wadded up paper at her when she isn't looking. Certain kinds of eye contact....smirking.....nicknames. The list goes on. There's such a high percentage of communication that is non-verbal. The object is never to hide intentions, only to express them. I'm personally quite fond of verbalizing interest, I'm just saying. What's wrong with verbalizing it and flirting?

I don't see how it could be called dishonest unless someone has an ulterior motive.

 

[wisebeardman]

Wow, I'm shocked that you're single... Good to know though that you don't make any mistakes so that you can point out those of others. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who want a perfect partner.
.

Quite frank I am sick of the game women play. tell a guy they are not good enough. then they go out and "play" around with scumbags. and then once they realize they really screwed up they want to crawl back to the people they said wasnt good enough? sorry home boy dont play that game.

female tells me I aint good enough. then dont EVER try and come crawling back to me crying about how all the guys have been jerks ect ect. cause I am one who will say. you made your bed now lay in it.

 

[Tintin]

I think a girl should make her interest in a guy quite obvious so they get the hint, but I think the guy should be the one who asks out the girl. Of course, I have no relationship experience what-so-ever.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

I think a girl should make her interest in a guy quite obvious so they get the hint, but I think the guy should be the one who asks out the girl. Of course, I have no relationship experience what-so-ever.

You need to start asking, Tintin!

 

[seoulsearch]

Quite frank I am sick of the game women play. tell a guy they are not good enough. then they go out and "play" around with scumbags. and then once they realize they really screwed up they want to crawl back to the people they said wasnt good enough? sorry home boy dont play that game.

female tells me I aint good enough. then dont EVER try and come crawling back to me crying about how all the guys have been jerks ect ect. cause I am one who will say. you made your bed now lay in it.

Wise, believe it or not, I always look for your posts when I read the threads here because I'm interested in what you have to say. I've felt the way you do now at times in my life too. I'm sorry you feel you've been kicked down so much.

Most of your posts is always steeped in bitterness and venom. It's been my experience, including my own, that people who speak in this manner:
1. Are really hurting underneath it all and desperately want someone to show they care. I know you always say, "I don't care," but no one who really doesn't care that much goes through that much time and trouble to tell everyone exactly how much they don't care, and repeatedly.
2. Has gotten to a point where the hurt has taken over and because of it, they want everyone else to hurt too, and so they lash out at the people around them, whoever it may be. A hurting person in this stage has gotten to the point where knowing they are hurting others actually feels like a form of relief.

I don't know what it is you feel you need or want in your life, but I hope God will speak to you in a way that none of here seem to be able to, at least not to your liking. I understand you're feeling dumped on, but you don't have to take it out on the rest of us here.

I think a girl should make her interest in a guy quite obvious so they get the hint, but I think the guy should be the one who asks out the girl. Of course, I have no relationship experience what-so-ever.

Tin, you'll hear this age-old complaint from girls. Sometimes we DO make it obvious... but there are some times when you could "hint" to a guy, "You know, if we got married someday..." and for some reason, he STILL doesn't understand!!!

Ladies, if you're that interested but don't want to seem too forward, why not invite him to a church or group event?

 

[Tintin]

Tin, you'll hear this age-old complaint from girls. Sometimes we DO make it obvious... but there are some times when you could "hint" to a guy, "You know, if we got married someday..." and for some reason, he STILL doesn't understand!!!

Really? I've never seen more than a smile or a laugh, but those girls are just friendly in general and didn't/don't show any interest in me.

Grace, yes, I do.

 

[just_monicat]

Quite frank I am sick of the game women play. tell a guy they are not good enough. then they go out and "play" around with scumbags. and then once they realize they really screwed up they want to crawl back to the people they said wasnt good enough? sorry home boy dont play that game.

female tells me I aint good enough. then dont EVER try and come crawling back to me crying about how all the guys have been jerks ect ect. cause I am one who will say. you made your bed now lay in it.

i totally see what you're saying here, and i get it.

i was going to reply to the earlier post by itore that started this line of discussion, but this may be a better spot.

i absolutely will not make any forward gesture like, hinting or even asking him out. the one exception to this is when i had taken myself off the market, so to speak,( because i felt God was leading me to do), a nice guy from church asked me out and i told him that i wasn't dating anyone right now, but i appreciated him asking.

about a year later, i felt like the issues i was working through were through, and i felt God was giving me the green light again to go back to dating. i really was perplexed about this guy, because i did like him, and what i appreciated almost more about him was the grace he showed when i had turned him down. instead of like so many guys who sidle up to you and are friendly only for the purpose of asking you out, he remained a friendly acquaintance and his energy really never changed that much around me. it made me respect him even more. i asked around to find out if he was seeing anyone and he discovered he was also available.

i worked up my courage and asked him if he was still interested.. we went on several dates but it wasn't a good fit.


anyway, this subject (girls asking guys out or hinting for them to do so) invariably gets tossed around the girl-chat table, because there is always one girl asking this question, or so it seems. i have always felt very strongly that girls sell themselves short when they try to fish for being asked out or plainly ask him out. i learned a long time ago that i really wouldn't be attracted to a guy that needed me to make things happen or ask him out. i have respect for a guy who can find the courage to pursue what/who he thinks is right, and it increases his attractiveness greatly.

plus girls miss out on being pursued! that's part of the fun of being a girl and what the male/female relationship is supposed to be about. from what i've witnessed, when girls try to take the lead, i think the dynamic is wonky and i don't know if it can be fixed.

 

[abbiejean]

anyway, this subject (girls asking guys out or hinting for them to do so) invariably gets tossed around the girl-chat table, because there is always one girl asking this question, or so it seems. i have always felt very strongly that girls sell themselves short when they try to fish for being asked out or plainly ask him out. i learned a long time ago that i really wouldn't be attracted to a guy that needed me to make things happen or ask him out. i have respect for a guy who can find the courage to pursue what/who he thinks is right, and it increases his attractiveness greatly.

plus girls miss out on being pursued! that's part of the fun of being a girl and what the male/female relationship is supposed to be about. from what i've witnessed, when girls try to take the lead, i think the dynamic is wonky and i don't know if it can be fixed.

So true.

 

[rachelsedge]

I totally understand and practice that!

When the heart is yielded to the cross and discovered in the process of friendship, the mind of Christ is known that the friendship is maturing with God's approval.

Oh, ha, no mine is in a negative way.
I mean, part of my belief system is that the guy should be the one who pursues (though the woman is certainly "allowed" to show signs of interest), friends first, stuff like that, but I meant more because of my belief system about myself which cases me to hold back.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I'll spare you the long copy-pasted dictionary entry, but I just find it interesting that all of the definitions I could find for "flirt" involved a lack of true and honest intentions. They all convey a selfish desire to have fun and amuse oneself. I understand that some people have pure intentions when they flirt. They use flirting as a way to express genuine interest in a particular person.

Which leads to the reason I hate flirting in the context of a single/available man and woman who aren't already close friends. It's too hard to determine what are the intentions of the person who initiates the flirting. Are they just messing around and having fun? Are they trying to let me know that they like me? I've only been in a relationship for a year, but prior to that, I remember being very put-off by flirty guys because I couldn't be sure if they really liked me or if they were just messing around. I didn't want to assume that they liked me because then if I liked them too and it turned out that they were just messing around, then I'd feel like an idiot for thinking they were interested in the first place. It would hurt especially badly when said flirty guy was a fellow Christian. I know that some men may really just be trying to express interest, but given the opportunity for confusion like I just described, I much prefer a more straight-forward approach.

This brings me back to the OP. The above reasons are why I myself didn't flirt. I'm not sure if flirting has the same effect on my Christian brothers that it had on me, but I didn't want to risk causing them confusion if I could help it. As far as hinting goes, I'd probably never use the lines that you mentioned, Jilly. It's not that I think they're wrong, but I think they're wrong for me. To me that just feels too forward.

When a guy and a girl "click," and they actually like each other, there's really no need to flirt because they already enjoy each other's quirks.

The point is, godly friendships do yield honorable courtships without necessitating the ways of secular flirting.

I'm not sure if this is an absolute statement that applies to everyone, but it worked for me. My boyfriend and I didn't flirt at all until after we were committed to one another. In that case, I think flirting is wonderful. There is no confusion about the person's intentions at that point.. at least there better not be!

 

[abbiejean]

Which leads to the reason I hate flirting in the context of a single/available man and woman who aren't already close friends. It's too hard to determine what are the intentions of the person who initiates the flirting. Are they just messing around and having fun? Are they trying to let me know that they like me? I've only been in a relationship for a year, but prior to that, I remember being very put-off by flirty guys because I couldn't be sure if they really liked me or if they were just messing around. I didn't want to assume that they liked me because then if I liked them too and it turned out that they were just messing around, then I'd feel like an idiot for thinking they were interested in the first place. It would hurt especially badly when said flirty guy was a fellow Christian. I know that some men may really just be trying to express interest, but given the opportunity for confusion like I just described, I much prefer a more straight-forward approach.

Right. I don't read hazy "smoke signals" very well. It worked for the Indians between the miles of open prairie, but it sure don't work for this gal. LOL

Telegraph the message if you need to (write it down), but mercy, make it plain and state what you mean and how you mean it.

Don't play with my heart or my emotions.

 

[Seraphic]

To the OP, I have no problem with it, although Id prefer to chase a woman down (who I've felt God has lead me to pursue).

I used to have relationships through "friend-zones" but I totally renounce and reject the modern day definition of "friend-zone".
Being friends first is absolutely crucial though, in a Godly-brotherly respecting way.

I don't believe in flirting. Period. Being your true self and purposefully showing interest in someone is all you need.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I would personally feel uncomfortable saying something like that to a guy. It sounds really cocky.

 

[kenthomas27]

After several months off reading thru all these concepts, I'm more confused than ever. I'm going back out on the lake.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Any way a woman shows interest is ok with me! As long as its interest, not pinterest.

 

[seoulsearch]

I would personally feel uncomfortable saying something like that to a guy. It sounds really cocky.

I have to agree with Nod. Maybe it's just me, but assuming that someone likes you and wants to take you out, and then pretty much telling them to do it, doesn't seem to frame the person "hinting" as being very considerate. As stated before, do you tell him he has to pay for you too?

What if he HAS been waiting to ask you out but currently doesn't have a dime to his name and is trying to save up some money before he asks? That's why, if I were really interested, I'd go ahead and ask... And make it simple (like coffee) so that if you do pay, he (hopefully) doesn't feel embarrassed. Better yet, ask him to something free and pack a picnic lunch!

Any way a woman shows interest is ok with me! As long as its interest, not pinterest.

*Sighs heavily*

*Sadly unpins her Zeroturbulence Pinterest Shrine.*

 

[abbiejean]

After several months off reading thru all these concepts, I'm more confused than ever. I'm going back out on the lake.

Thank you so so very much for that. Gave me a good laugh. Truly. It also sums up my sentiments so well.

I was thinking just this afternoon, my brain is on circuit overload with all these thoughts and opinions and such. Mercy, think I'm just gonna read a good mail order bride story. The one where the early homesteader farmer who is living out on the prairie in the middle of nowhere states what he needs, sends the advertisement off to the paper and the woman reads it.

Wanted. A woman (aged such and such) for farmer. Must be able to cook, clean, keep house and raise children. In turn she will receive a man who can farm, plant crops, take care of the livestock and build her a house. Ain't so much interested in the particulars, just that she be willing to marry and be "my woman." LOL LOL

Folks, bless you all. Gotta say I've truly enjoyed interacting with y'all. From what little I've read and "seen" many of you are pretty special peeps.