It was late in the night. It was clear and pleasant, with a cool wind. My legs were propped up across the parapet and I was calculating the distance from the fifth floor where I was to the ground.
It wasn't too much. Maybe 50 ft. The time it would take my body to hit the ground would be approximately 1.7 seconds.
For that 1.7 seconds, I wondered if it would feel like flying. Logically, there was a very good chance of surviving the fall. A broken neck - paralyzed for life, that would have been survival.
My hands became sweaty.
There was a train station nearby... maybe I could go lie on the train tracks. That would be easier.
I stared down. I took a deep breath. It's ok. It's now or never. Either you do it or you don't.
And my heart was beating wildly. It was crying out " I have so much to give!" And somewhere in that moment, I heard my dog barking.
Something was so wrong with this scene. Why on earth would someone like me want to take such a drastic step. I seemed to have it all. Why had I reached that end of the rope?
Life had no meaning for me anymore.
And why?
I was a young bright scholar and I had many friends. I had loving parents and everything that you could imagine someone needed to be happy. I thought I was too.
I had always lived for that high of success. That moment of struggle when you finally break through, when you finally achieve your goal - that thrill, that rush of feelings - I love it.
And I seemed to have achieved it.
Except there was an unbearable void in me that refused to be filled. The highs of achievement only seemed to temporarily ease it.
I had many admirers and many friends. It seemed all too easy for me. If I liked someone, I didn't struggle to get them. I was never turned away.
There were boys who confessed to having deep love for me. There were girls who wanted to be my friends. I had enemies too. People who disliked me for all the favour I had upon me. It never bothered me so much.
I was so focused on other things, that these social interactions was never of much concern to me. I was always a bit aloof, a loner.
I loved working hard. I loved pushing myself.
I loved math and science. I loved taking things apart and putting them back together. I loved new ideas, new thinking, new philosophies.
It excited me - the possibilities that were in front of me. Here I was. Young, ready to conquer the world.
Yet there I was looking down on the ground. Faced with the stark reality that life was meaningless.
To be continued.....
It wasn't too much. Maybe 50 ft. The time it would take my body to hit the ground would be approximately 1.7 seconds.
For that 1.7 seconds, I wondered if it would feel like flying. Logically, there was a very good chance of surviving the fall. A broken neck - paralyzed for life, that would have been survival.
My hands became sweaty.
There was a train station nearby... maybe I could go lie on the train tracks. That would be easier.
I stared down. I took a deep breath. It's ok. It's now or never. Either you do it or you don't.
And my heart was beating wildly. It was crying out " I have so much to give!" And somewhere in that moment, I heard my dog barking.
Something was so wrong with this scene. Why on earth would someone like me want to take such a drastic step. I seemed to have it all. Why had I reached that end of the rope?
Life had no meaning for me anymore.
And why?
I was a young bright scholar and I had many friends. I had loving parents and everything that you could imagine someone needed to be happy. I thought I was too.
I had always lived for that high of success. That moment of struggle when you finally break through, when you finally achieve your goal - that thrill, that rush of feelings - I love it.
And I seemed to have achieved it.
Except there was an unbearable void in me that refused to be filled. The highs of achievement only seemed to temporarily ease it.
I had many admirers and many friends. It seemed all too easy for me. If I liked someone, I didn't struggle to get them. I was never turned away.
There were boys who confessed to having deep love for me. There were girls who wanted to be my friends. I had enemies too. People who disliked me for all the favour I had upon me. It never bothered me so much.
I was so focused on other things, that these social interactions was never of much concern to me. I was always a bit aloof, a loner.
I loved working hard. I loved pushing myself.
I loved math and science. I loved taking things apart and putting them back together. I loved new ideas, new thinking, new philosophies.
It excited me - the possibilities that were in front of me. Here I was. Young, ready to conquer the world.
Yet there I was looking down on the ground. Faced with the stark reality that life was meaningless.
To be continued.....