My 16 year old son is wanting to live with his dad after spending the summer with him. The judge said he has to start school here with my and we ho to court sept 30. He came back from his dads cussing and extremely disrespectful. I'm fighting if because my older son went to his dads at sam age and dropped out if high school and now st 23 delivers pizzas for living trying to support wife and baby. On top if that he also smokes pot. I want a better life for my youngest. He says he hates me and I'm no longer his mom because I won't let him go freely. He gangs out with his older brother daily when he is there since he only lives few blocks away from his dad. His dad also suffers from BPD. He is surrounded by drama and dysfunctional behavior and I want better for him. How should I handle his anger . my son also has ADHD and is very influenced by his older brother. What can. I do?
Don't pressure him, because some children grow up at different rates to others. It sounds like your son has more freedom at his father's, which in itself is part of being an adult. So, if you look at it as I am trying to look at it:
1. You would tell him to go to college, to act responsibly, to be adult, but;
2. Do not give him sufficient freedom to make decisions that may be mistakes, which is part of being adult.
A lot of parents do this thing where it's like, the happy kind of affection and pressure-free atmosphere we give to kids wanes when they stop being cute as buttons and start developing their own personalities and wanting to make their own decisions. The best thing you can do is actually allow him to start making his own decisions as an adult and love him all the same even when he makes mistakes, because there is a strange irony in it; it encourages kids to be more respectful, thoughtful and listen to you more.
I know you're trying to be polite, but I also know that every family snaps, argues, gets heated, fights. I'm certain that you have not been entirely fantastic yourself; continually patient, respectful, calm, compassionate and understanding, and that's natural, but I can tell you that an ounce of patience is worth a pound of peace, and perhaps some time without butting heads is exactly what you two need.
There is a very subtle difference between giving advice to teenagers and nagging them. Not to be rude, but it's the simplest way to put it.