Trying to make a long story short, but husband went on his first mission trip with our church to Honduras. Here, the Lord spoke deeply to him, and he was baptized the day he returned. There, he met a family of 4 children who got very attached to him daily as the team worked on the school grounds building a playground. The single mom and her children live in a corner room at the school; very poor, sad conditions. His love for these little girls with no dad (he left the mom and 4 children eight years ago and came to United States, wanting no contact) really was evident and when he left, he met their mom and gave her all the money he had left on him. She is on facebook and contacts him through facebook when she can get an internet signal in school for free. She has told him (and he shows me all of this) that her little one (7 yrs old) wishes he was their dad and that they love him for all he did for them. Twice, we have sent her money via western union to help her family. Yesterday, I blew up (regretfully) because she sent him pics online of the children eating the fish she bought with our money (they have not had to have that before because of lack of money) and then she sent him a picture of herself in a tiny little skirt and tight shirt all by herself smiling and looking all sexy (if you know what I mean). It bugs the daylights out of me, and he shows me, but he and my oldest son think I am NUTS for being jealous of someone over there who has nothing. I just think its wrong, she never mentions me, only him ... I prayed all night about it because I went to bed mad and he seemed so upset. Am I wrong?
Am i wrong? Help needed!
- Thread starter Cindy12
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Maybe you could try encouraging your husband to connect her with your pastor (who would then take it from there, hopefully).
I don't think you are wrong to be discerning and worried about this situation - but probably wrong for blowing up ( that you need to apologize for). However, I would in calmer tones mention that you know the nature of needy women, and that it is best that she not get emotionally tangled up with any man who is married. She needs a group of women to help her. What happened to her own family?
If you have the kind of church that sends people out on mission trips, your pastor might know a group over there in that country who could help her.
I don't think you are wrong to be discerning and worried about this situation - but probably wrong for blowing up ( that you need to apologize for). However, I would in calmer tones mention that you know the nature of needy women, and that it is best that she not get emotionally tangled up with any man who is married. She needs a group of women to help her. What happened to her own family?
If you have the kind of church that sends people out on mission trips, your pastor might know a group over there in that country who could help her.
My sister........lets step back......and think about this.....this womans story is sad....any man who would have shown her charity...
she would have latched onto.....your husband is telling you ......as to not hide anything......being in the missionary business....you should
expect some needy woman trying this.....I think the church should have prepared you and your husband for this.....showing you ways to deal with this....
we have to expect that this kind of thing happening....when going to these places.....if you continue to be angry or jealous of this...
it will effect your marriage....have your husband send her a family picture.....and invite her to meet you on the phone....
if your husband is against this....then you will know his heart.....but it sounds to me as the woman sees your husband as a way out ...
the kindness he showed gave her a hope of escape......dont turn this awesome missionary act.....to something else....and
keep that communication open.......go to God and ask Him to help you find ways to deal with how to handle this.....cause if he
continues on this missionary trip stuff.....it will happen again....and how sad it would be to turn doing Gods work to sin......
the church must prepare the missionaries for this .....how to handle....or at least see it coming....find peace sister....jo
she would have latched onto.....your husband is telling you ......as to not hide anything......being in the missionary business....you should
expect some needy woman trying this.....I think the church should have prepared you and your husband for this.....showing you ways to deal with this....
we have to expect that this kind of thing happening....when going to these places.....if you continue to be angry or jealous of this...
it will effect your marriage....have your husband send her a family picture.....and invite her to meet you on the phone....
if your husband is against this....then you will know his heart.....but it sounds to me as the woman sees your husband as a way out ...
the kindness he showed gave her a hope of escape......dont turn this awesome missionary act.....to something else....and
keep that communication open.......go to God and ask Him to help you find ways to deal with how to handle this.....cause if he
continues on this missionary trip stuff.....it will happen again....and how sad it would be to turn doing Gods work to sin......
the church must prepare the missionaries for this .....how to handle....or at least see it coming....find peace sister....jo
A
Yes and no. You got some parts right and some parts wrong.
Picture yourself in her situation and tell me you wouldn't try to do the same thing she's doing -- look for a man to help her and her kids and try like crazy to keep him. I mean, gee whiz! The guy helping her out comes all the way down there to work, so he's got to be rich, right? And he noticed. And he took care of them. What's not to want if you were her? I think there is little chance that's not exactly what she's trying to do is subtle ways, so you're not wrong there!
BUT what in the world did your hubby do that made you blow up on him? Obviously, he's not hiding her from you. Obviously the decision to send her money was a joint decision between him and you, so what did he do that was so wrong? I don't blame your hubby or your oldest son for thinking you wigged out, because, hey! You did!
But they are guys. Before he was my hubby, hubby was a bodybuilder. He was 6' 2", a 56" chest and a 26" waist with buns... well, never mind. But he also has the most beautiful blue eyes, a quick grin, an easy laugh, and listens well to women. So, before I came along the women were crawling all over him and he had no idea they wanted him. (His friends kept telling him that, but were kind enough to wait until afterwards, so he couldn't react. lol) Women do subtle really well (usually. I don't, which is probably why I notice women usually do it so well. lol) Men do in-your-face honesty. They also don't often catch subtle until they think it was their idea all long.
So, instead of wigging out, how about just quietly talking to your hubby and letting him see what you see this woman is doing, because honestly, your hubby is doing everything right, so he's got no guilty conscious to disagree with you. He simply doesn't notice it, and probably because he never had that thought about her. Talk to him before he starts thinking it was his idea all along. You two can negotiate this easily enough, because right now he's 100% on your side while wanting to help her.
If son has to get involved in all of this, then let hubby talk to son. I do think, ultimately hubby needs to talk to son, because both of them aren't catching the subtle ways of woman well enough. They need to understand us, and this is about how they do.
Oh, and of course he was still upset. He still has no clue what he did wrong because he did nothing wrong! Wouldn't that make you upset if you were him? Innocent! A hard thing to defend when you don't quite understand what you're supposed to be guilty about.
Picture yourself in her situation and tell me you wouldn't try to do the same thing she's doing -- look for a man to help her and her kids and try like crazy to keep him. I mean, gee whiz! The guy helping her out comes all the way down there to work, so he's got to be rich, right? And he noticed. And he took care of them. What's not to want if you were her? I think there is little chance that's not exactly what she's trying to do is subtle ways, so you're not wrong there!
BUT what in the world did your hubby do that made you blow up on him? Obviously, he's not hiding her from you. Obviously the decision to send her money was a joint decision between him and you, so what did he do that was so wrong? I don't blame your hubby or your oldest son for thinking you wigged out, because, hey! You did!
But they are guys. Before he was my hubby, hubby was a bodybuilder. He was 6' 2", a 56" chest and a 26" waist with buns... well, never mind. But he also has the most beautiful blue eyes, a quick grin, an easy laugh, and listens well to women. So, before I came along the women were crawling all over him and he had no idea they wanted him. (His friends kept telling him that, but were kind enough to wait until afterwards, so he couldn't react. lol) Women do subtle really well (usually. I don't, which is probably why I notice women usually do it so well. lol) Men do in-your-face honesty. They also don't often catch subtle until they think it was their idea all long.
So, instead of wigging out, how about just quietly talking to your hubby and letting him see what you see this woman is doing, because honestly, your hubby is doing everything right, so he's got no guilty conscious to disagree with you. He simply doesn't notice it, and probably because he never had that thought about her. Talk to him before he starts thinking it was his idea all along. You two can negotiate this easily enough, because right now he's 100% on your side while wanting to help her.
If son has to get involved in all of this, then let hubby talk to son. I do think, ultimately hubby needs to talk to son, because both of them aren't catching the subtle ways of woman well enough. They need to understand us, and this is about how they do.
Oh, and of course he was still upset. He still has no clue what he did wrong because he did nothing wrong! Wouldn't that make you upset if you were him? Innocent! A hard thing to defend when you don't quite understand what you're supposed to be guilty about.
There is such a massive language barrier, she speaks no english, him no spanish. But, they had a translater that day he gave her the money, one of the youth pastors kids, and she knew that the money was from his family to hers, and he wanted to help them. She was SO grateful and cried. She asked him if he was married, he said yes, for 23 years happily. She was happy she said. But I know they want a better life and I totally get it. But knowing he was married, why would any woman send such a picture like that? of her and the kids is one thing, but her alone, dressed provacatively is different (to me) and I may be VERY wrong and I feel so sorry today -- all i told him was that "that woman must not really think I exist to send that" .... that was my mean moment last night. I did apologize. He made it clear to her that it was BOTH of us helping her and we left it at that. Like all his statements were "me and my wife" ...... thanks for all your sweet help here. I feel blessed.
I agree that missionaries must be prepared for such things as this, but in most cases, they are NOT. My dad is a minister. He is tall, handsome, very stylish and mannerly. A certain single woman had been in the congregation for 3 Sundays in a row. Finally..she introduced herself to my mom and dad as she was leaving the church while dad was shaking hands with the congregation. She asked to speak to him privately and dad agreed. Mom kept busy just outside dad's opened door in his office. This woman claimed that her husband could not give her children and that they had decided to select a male that would best qualify to be the DNA donor for their future child. In short, she asked my dad if he would consider donating his sperm. Of course, mom almost fainted in the hallway. Dad was caught off-guard but instantly refused, stood up and offered her the door.
Helpless people in destitute situations are always looking for a savior..and when that person arrives to help, they are overcome with emotion, devotion, and misguided thoughts. The act of extreme kindness shown to her and children by your husband is awesome, but she sees it a little bit differently. Do not blame your hubby, but at least allow him to grow and understand how to deal with this...I do like how others have responded by injecting a pastor, and even yourself in future correspondences with her.
Helpless people in destitute situations are always looking for a savior..and when that person arrives to help, they are overcome with emotion, devotion, and misguided thoughts. The act of extreme kindness shown to her and children by your husband is awesome, but she sees it a little bit differently. Do not blame your hubby, but at least allow him to grow and understand how to deal with this...I do like how others have responded by injecting a pastor, and even yourself in future correspondences with her.
Thank you, my husband is 6 ft 5 and all the people at the school and area thought he was some type of icon ... it was hard for him. They wanted his autograph and he kept telling them that he was the same type of person they were -- evidently people of his size is something they look up to there for some reasons, most of them are very small ... God worked on his heart while there, he spent his evenings out on the porch of the seminary crying and talking to God, the pastor, and some of the other church leaders. Never had he seen such tough living situations and families with so many children and no dads around. They had no appliances, not even a toilet in their home. The went outside to a little cement room and went there. This mom worked her fingers to the bone to sell bags of chips and pick up empty plastic bottles to earn money to feed her four children. It broke his heart and mine to hear his phone calls at night explaining these circumstances. We agreed that we want to send this family money through Western Union monthly to help. Her family? The dad of the 4 kids left illegally to come to the States, there is no contact. Her 2 sisters left illegally to go to Texas, but she could not afford to come here because of her children and she said they would always come first, so she will be there forever. She said her sisters send her $50 every 4 months. Its just so sad.
No you are not wrong. Your husband has given you cause for concern. It is nice that he was able to help out while he was there but he has let it carry over into his married life with you. He is probably quite innocent and means you no harm or disrespect but this involvement on his with this woman must stop.
I understand the impulse to just give money, but that can actually create dependence instead of effecting actual long-term help. Read When Helping Hurts to understand the dynamics involved.
And no, I don't think you are making too big a deal out of this. Any wife would. What you need to do, if you still wish to help this family, is to put them in touch with responsible ministries who can help them in ways that will alleviate their poverty without causing other types of harm.
And no, I don't think you are making too big a deal out of this. Any wife would. What you need to do, if you still wish to help this family, is to put them in touch with responsible ministries who can help them in ways that will alleviate their poverty without causing other types of harm.
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There is nothing wrong with creating and building interpersonal relationships with people. There is nothing wrong engaging in ministry and helping people financially that truly need it.
The problem here is that the husband and wife are not in one accord in this matter. My recommendation would be to go to the person in charge of missions at your church and tell them you would like to continue helping this family but need the church to act as the intermediary which all communications should route through.
The benefits of doing this are manifold. First, there is now real pastoral accountability and a Christian external intermediary between the two families mitigating the wife's concerns. Secondly, instead of ad hoc support, a small but consistent monthly amount would be delegated. Thirdly, there is the potential for greater opportunity as the church may decide to take on the donor family and add them to their supported missionary list further helping the family and allowing the woman to do part time witnessing and start a small group bible study in her area. Etc...
The problem here is that the husband and wife are not in one accord in this matter. My recommendation would be to go to the person in charge of missions at your church and tell them you would like to continue helping this family but need the church to act as the intermediary which all communications should route through.
The benefits of doing this are manifold. First, there is now real pastoral accountability and a Christian external intermediary between the two families mitigating the wife's concerns. Secondly, instead of ad hoc support, a small but consistent monthly amount would be delegated. Thirdly, there is the potential for greater opportunity as the church may decide to take on the donor family and add them to their supported missionary list further helping the family and allowing the woman to do part time witnessing and start a small group bible study in her area. Etc...