How Much Do You Trust Your First Impressions of People?

[seoulsearch]

Hey everyone,

Lately there has been a sea of new faces where I work, and today I was thinking about my first impressions of other people.

For myself, I've learned that my first impressions often seem to be wrong, and I really need a bit of time and history in order to form a clearer, actually useful idea of who a person is. I've gotten to a place where I'm very cautious about my first impressions.

The inspiration for this thread comes from reading a post here about someone who mentioned a few people they used to get into arguments with on CC, but over time, have become good friends.

This reminded me of someone from one of my first jobs as a teen. The first day I met her, I remember thinking, "Wow, this lady is really mean," but as I got to know her, she became one of my very favorite people to work with.

As for myself, in person, I've had some people tell me that I come across as cold when they first meet me. I can definitely see this in the workplace, as I'm usually busy trying to get something done at the same time, which gives them the impression I'm not paying attention to them. I've been working on trying to make a person's inquiry more important than finishing the task at hand.

I also have a tendency to sit back and observe people before I start communicating much, because I'm trying to learn their "style" of communication and am gauging my approach (should I use humor? Seriousness? A question? Etc.)

How good are you with first impressions?

* Does your first impression of a person usually hold over time?

* How often are your first impressions wrong? Do you often wind up liking someone you didn't like at first, or not liking someone you first liked?

* What kind of first impression do make on other people? Have you been told?

P.S. Due to the influx of new people, procedures, and protocols in my life, both in and outside of work, I've been a little frazzled. What I REALLY want to do is eat a plate of brownies (or a whole pizza... or both), but instead I'm trying to channel my energy into writing.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts! They help keep me focused on moving forward (instead of the mass consumption of fat and calories. )

 

[Pipp]

I don't dismiss my first impression, but I definitely don't take it to heart. I've proven myself wring too many times. I'm a big fan of getting to know someone before I make a character judgement..

 

[Donkeyfish07]

I have seen divorce/marital dispute cases where the people have been married for 20 years and one party is so shocked, like I can not believe this is the person I married. That being said, I don't care to be worry about it. I take people at face value usually. If they wanna be deceptive and sneaky, go for it. This heart is armoured and no matter how close you are to me, I'll cut ties if I see that continued interaction is unhealthy for me. So basically, Hakuna Matata .

The sad thing is, I have dealt with really sheisty deceptive people in my life. I probably would have been willing to accept them anyway, despite their flaws had they just been themselves instead of putting on a song and dance. So since the idiots are out of the way, everyone else is cool. I always accept what a person shows me unless they show me a pattern of contradictive behavior.

Usually though, there is always that neutral zone....where i dont like or dislike a person, we just have nothing to talk about and nothing in common. That usually stays the same and they usually feel exactly the same way as I do.

 

[JonahLynx]

* Does your first impression of a person usually hold over time?

Yeah I think people are easy to figure out most of the time.

* What kind of first impression do make on other people? Have you been told?

No clue.

 

[Roh_Chris]

Does your first impression of a person usually hold over time?

It usually holds, though there have been exceptions, both, for the better and for the worse. For example, I remember that Tintin and I used to have arguments at the beginning, over silly things. I think we are good friends now and I think he is very kind and gentle. At the same time, my opinion of some people in my daily life has changed for the worse after I learnt about how deceptive they have been.

On the whole though, my opinion about people usually holds over time. I think it comes from me being empathetic and being pretty good at deducing visual cues. I can get a positive vibe or a negative vibe from a person, and almost in all cases, those vibes hold true.

How often are your first impressions wrong? Do you often wind up liking someone you didn't like at first, or not liking someone you first liked?

My first impressions are rarely wrong. That being said, there have been some exceptions. To be honest, if my first impression about someone is bad, I always hope that they would prove me wrong. It is that hope which makes me give them a chance, and another, and then another. More often that not, they have proved my first impression right.

What kind of first impression do make on other people? Have you been told?

Yes, I have been told by some people. The first impressions I made on people has evolved over time.

About 3-4 years ago, I was too goofy and playful even when I met people for the first time. Many people labelled me as being childish and immature because of that. However, these days, I reserve my silly side for only the ones who know me well and who can respect me despite me being silly. Consequently, people's first impressions about me have changed. Some people recently remarked that they thought I was mature, serious, focussed on my career, courteous, gentlemanly, etc.

And I listen to all that while biting my tongue to stop myself from laughing out loud.

So, if you want to make a good judgment of a person, you have to read his/her body language and you have to notice how he/she behaves when he/she is not around you. Always look for consistency in a person's behaviour and try to correlate it with they have told you or with what you have understood about them. Occasional slips can be considered as minor blips, but if the blips become too frequent, then it should be considered as an inconsistent pattern of behaviour.

All said and done, the ability to make an accurate first impression is never something that you can learn. It depends on your personality type and how well you can "read" another person. Some people can go an entire lifetime without mastering those techniques.

I hope this helps.

 

[Abing]

* Does your first impression of a person usually hold over time?

In my case, no. I must confess, I spend my time on the train trying to figure out a stranger's background from first impression (influenced by Sherlock BBC and I have a feeling I'm not the only one that does this. Something tells me crosstweed does the same). Like I start from what's most obvious, the phone they use, if it's the latest model I'd instantly think "gadget magnet, so must be exposed to latest trends, watches too much TV or works in an IT company with company perks such as latest gadgets, probability #1" or the bag they carry. If it's designer label, and they're on the train with me, something doesn't add up. So must be a fake label, or a gift from the upper class people, friends in high places (probability #2). Etc. However, by the time I get off the train, I lose all those thoughts.

* How often are your first impressions wrong? Do you often wind up liking someone you didn't like at first, or not liking someone you first liked?

Most of the time. I have stopped trusting my first impression. There's an explanation behind everything tangible. So I keep my first impressions to myself and validate them when I get a chance. Until they're validated, there will always be that benefit of the doubt. And there has been many times I ended up liking people that didn't seem likeable at first

* What kind of first impression do make on other people? Have you been told?

One time at work, there was this new girl. I was giving her instructions, and she started crying. My supervisor talked to her and it turned out that she thought I was annoyed by her and she was emotionally affected. And I was like .-_-. I thought I was being nice and friendly but her impression of me was the opposite. So I stopped caring about impressions I make on other people. Unless they're someone I'm trying to impress .

 

[Roh_Chris]

In my case, no. I must confess, I spend my time on the train trying to figure out a stranger's background from first impression (influenced by Sherlock BBC and I have a feeling I'm not the only one that does this. Something tells me crosstweed does the same). Like I start from what's most obvious, the phone they use, if it's the latest model I'd instantly think "gadget magnet, so must be exposed to latest trends, watches too much TV or works in an IT company with company perks such as latest gadgets, probability #1" or the bag they carry. If it's designer label, and they're on the train with me, something doesn't add up. So must be a fake label, or a gift from the upper class people, friends in high places (probability #2). Etc. However, by the time I get off the train, I lose all those thoughts.

This is an interesting point, Abing. This paragraph resonates with me a lot, so I thought I should respond to it. Please don't get me wrong or take it personal - I am not arguing or pointing out that you are wrong; instead, I am just explaining my position, since I could be one of those guys who uses the latest gadgets, wears a designer label, etc.

I am quite into fashion - not the brands that occupy the Avenue des Champs-Élysées, but brands like Zara, Gucci, etc. I do use the public transport as often as I can, if it serves my purpose. I can come across as someone who is trendy, fashion-conscious or wannabe-ish. The truth is that I am none of that. The reason why I sport these brands is actually to protect myself, if that is even possible. I rarely smile and I almost never hold eye-contact with anybody - I even hide myself behind a pair of sunglasses, if the weather permits it. I feel that by wearing these brands, I am not easily approachable because people can feel intimidated by me. So the fewer people I have to interact with, the safer I can be. For example, in my Church, I have seen how the same people who used to spiritually bully me a few years ago are now intimidated by me because I am fashionable. So, in short, designer labels are "shields" that I use to protect myself from the unwanted people (read, bullies). If someone can muster the courage to talk to me and keep me engaged for a few minutes, I will completely let down my shields and be myself.

I hope this gives you a peek into the minds of some of us who are fashionable and trendy.

 

[Abing]

This is an interesting point, Abing. This paragraph resonates with me a lot, so I thought I should respond to it. Please don't get me wrong or take it personal - I am not arguing or pointing out that you are wrong; instead, I am just explaining my position, since I could be one of those guys who uses the latest gadgets, wears a designer label, etc.

I am quite into fashion - not the brands that occupy the Avenue des Champs-Élysées, but brands like Zara, Gucci, etc. I do use the public transport as often as I can, if it serves my purpose. I can come across as someone who is trendy, fashion-conscious or wannabe-ish. The truth is that I am none of that. The reason why I sport these brands is actually to protect myself, if that is even possible. I rarely smile and I almost never hold eye-contact with anybody - I even hide myself behind a pair of sunglasses, if the weather permits it. I feel that by wearing these brands, I am not easily approachable because people can feel intimidated by me. So the fewer people I have to interact with, the safer I can be. For example, in my Church, I have seen how the same people who used to spiritually bully me a few years ago are now intimidated by me because I am fashionable. So, in short, designer labels are "shields" that I use to protect myself from the unwanted people (read, bullies). If someone can muster the courage to talk to me and keep me engaged for a few minutes, I will completely let down my shields and be myself.

I hope this gives you a peek into the minds of some of us who are fashionable and trendy.

More reasons for me to not trust my first impressions . I wouldn't have thought of that, even as a probability.

 

[NukePooch]

I have been given a gift of discernment, so I can often 'get' people rather quickly...
That said, this:

I also have a tendency to sit back and observe people before I start communicating much, because I'm trying to learn their "style" of communication and am gauging my approach (should I use humor? Seriousness? A question? Etc.)

...holds true for me as well...but in more of a 'How much sarcasm can they handle from me?" kind of way.

 

[seoulsearch]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts, and I hope they will continue!

* I find myself nodding along at the mention of finding out over time that some people aren't so trustworthy. Something else I've been really trying to work on is to refrain from making any negative remarks in response to others' complaints in a work setting, because you never know who is going to misconstrue what you're saying and go to a supervisor with it. One of my least favorite things about the corporate world is watching people throw everyone else under the bus to get ahead, all with an "I'm Your Best Friend" smile on their face.

* I found the insight into designer labels fascinating. Here in America (at least in the places where I live) it's become very common to wear or carry fake designer goods. The most popular example of this seems to be carrying a Coach or Louis Vuitton bag... and wearing Walmart clothes.

Now, I'm certainly not saying there's anything wrong with buying clothes from Walmart. But, it just tells you right away that the person is trying to present the suggestion of a luxury lifestyle they don't lead.

I love reading about of-the-moment fashions and gadgets but I never buy them. Maybe if I felt I could spare the money, I would, I don't know. But, I can tell you that when I'm around people who have these things or have that extremely "glamorous look", I feel incredibly intimidated and as if they will immediately look down on me.

Part of it is leftover from childhood. My Dad's one splurge at the time was golfing, and we were members at the only club in town. People would roll up in their Mercedes and BMW's and we had a family station wagon. I also wore clothes from Kmart while the other kids wore expensive things and designer from an exclusive boutique in town. I never felt comfortable in that atmosphere and it's carried over to my adult life.

I know there are all kinds of videos about "the people of Walmart" but it's that crowd of people that I actually feel a lot more at ease with.

Roh, I loved your insight into why some people might be choosing these things. It makes me sad that you feel you have to shield yourself from people so much because you're a wonderful person. I wish you could come here to the States because I think maybe you'd find a lot more acceptance (and a church you're more comfortable with.)

As always, thank you for your insights. I have to remember that even someone wearing an outfit and carrying accessories that cost thousands of dollars (not that I see this much where I live) is just as human--and maybe just as insecure as I can sometimes be--as me.

 

[Faithful_Fay]

I'm usually quick to form and solidify my first impressions of people, and rarely am I ever wrong. But, then again I'm a people watcher, I find most folks fascinating and varying degrees of complex and simple.

My impressions of folks has little to do with clothing or status but more to do with their body language, mannerisms, and presentation. Clothing will not mean much in my impression because I don't follow trends or names myself. Recognizing what is a brand or imposter would be laughable.

I like figuring out things like wether they're comfortable with themselves or circumstances, how confident or self conscious they seem, if they're kind or have a mean streak. It's all fascinating, especially considering most people will make an effort to make a different first impression based on how they perceive the other person.

Over the years, from other people regarding myself, I usually get quiet, happy, soft spoken, nice, and so on. I like to think I'm fairly consistent. One of the odd ones that I get that I find hilarious is stuck up.

 

[garet82]

Nothing at all.
first impression can be so tricky. I must know n talk with her/him several times n i can give my opinion n impression about that person so i deffinatelly can say i dont trust first impression of ppl

 

[CarolSampaio]

I don't trust my frst impressions at all... I'm usually way too suspicious of everyone and everything... so... no first impressions for me... or else I'd be a crazy loner talking to a volleyball...

 

[BruceWayne]

I always trust my first impression. Reading people is something I've been trained to do, so it doesn't take long for me to form an opinion on someone or get a feeling about their character. I rarely ever change that opinion and tbh, I don't think I've ever liked someone that I disliked to begin with.

As far as the impression I give, I really don't know lol. I had a new friend last year say that she couldn't figure me out. With anyone else she was fine, but got nothing with me. I also once had a basketball coach say the same thing XD. I don't know how I come off in writing or on the forum, but I guess in rl I give a confusing first impression.

 

[CarolSampaio]

I've had at least a couple of close friends who told me they disliked me in the beginning... I guess I'm not great with first impressions... maybe that's why I don't have a whole lot of friends... oh well... the few ones I do have I love with all my heart!!

 

[Lynx]

Well well, we seem to have opinions all over the map. Some never trust first impressions, some always, some sometimes.

For me - and I know this sounds like a line from a B movie - I always look at a new person's eyes. And I'm usually right. "The eyes are windows to the soul" as someone said. I make a conscious effort to not allow my first impression to influence my actions toward that person, especially if the first impression is negative, but I keep it always in the back of my mind. And it almost always pans out.

As for how others see me, depends where they meet me. If it's at church, at home, at the grocery store, etc. they seem to think I'm a nice guy. If it's at work they seem to watch my actions, observe that I actually do my job instead of standing around talking, and then (depending on their own work ethic) decide "He's someone we can work with who will hold up his end" or "he's an arrogant, pushy person who's probably just sucking up to the boss."

 

[cinder]

I've learned I have good instincts. So while the analysis monster in my head may need a whole lot more data than most people to formulate that first impression, when I do finally get there, it's usually pretty accurate (and open to constant tweaking as more data comes in). Usually, I'm either spot on or so completely wrong that it is laughable, and of course bad data can lead to erroneous conclusions, but consistency is key since the little inconsistencies usually add up pretty quick when someone is trying to deceive.

As for me, I think I give off a pretty good "Don't bother me, you idiot" vibe even when I'm not trying. Probably just one of the side effects of being task oriented and focused on what I'm doing rather than wanting to interact with people. But as some CCers have learned, if you can engage me in an intelligent conversation (or just a crazy one) I'm really fairly nice.

 

[Roh_Chris]

As for me, I think I give off a pretty good "Don't bother me, you idiot" vibe even when I'm not trying. Probably just one of the side effects of being task oriented and focused on what I'm doing rather than wanting to interact with people. But as some CCers have learned, if you can engage me in an intelligent conversation (or just a crazy one) I'm really fairly nice.

Don't know what you are talking about.

Sorry, no clue.

 

[JeniBean]

How good are you with first impressions?*
My first impressions tend to be right on. However I was very young when my parents started to bring me to corporate parties/dinners. I learned early who and how people are and what masks they give to the world as a protection.

Does your first impression of a person usually hold over time?

YES!!! They may surprise me with a few personality quirks, however the first instincts are always there. The question should be do you listen to the first instincts or compromise wanting to find the good in that person.

* How often are your first impressions wrong? Do you often wind up liking someone you didn't like at first, or not liking someone you first liked?

They have never failed me! I fail myself by being that person who truly believes there is good in everyone. However I have learned that really ins't the case and you cannot help someone better themselves if they really do not want to.

* What kind of first impression do make on other people? Have you been told?

I have been told that just to look at me I am intimidating. Adults have said this to me since I was a child. Not simply my stature, but my boldness and lack of fear. The whole you walk in the room and command the place impression. I have never understood it, but it is what it is. Then they say the moment we talk to you, you are genuine, hilarious and sweet. So people have to overcome their fear to approach me. Children LOVE me and do not have any fear and love that I simply talk and I tell it like it is without sugar coating it. Parents aren't necessarily fond of that, but years of working with kids I learned they know when you're full of it and skirting around the truth. The respect you more with the genuine honesty.

 

[sassylady]

I read people very well and am usually correct. I may learn more later but my first impression is good enough that people have asked me to meet somebody and see what I think.