I
I suffer from severe self-loathing even if I have a wonderful husband who treats me very well and I do my very best to be a good wife for him, give him foot and back massage, help him with the finances, carry out the chores, etc.
God made a miracle and my mother told me she was sorry for our last argument in which she insulted me. Now she is pampering me a lot and I appreciate it greatly. I also do my very best to be a good daughter.
I also did my very best to take care of my father, who was sick all his life, until the end of his days four years ago.
But I feel terrible about my past mistakes. I have a "new age" past which now I loathe. I had premarital sex. I was a feminist. I did all this while my father was sick and my mum was sick of stress as well. I felt very alone. I had no guidance whatsoever. I fell often prey to predators.
Now my life is better, I have been working for three years at least until very recently, manage very modest finances with care, I should feel happy.
Yet I hate even my own face in the mirror. I see myself as a loser. I worked for the wrong people and this marked my identity. I obsess about the people who know my past. I also obsess about the people I have argued with, now I have many enemies. I obsess about how my in-laws haven't accepted me, even if whether I was right or wrong when I was Catholic. I spent too much in the past, I have read hoarding is part of OCD. I couldn't do much to alleviate my father's pain and many problems. He had a painful death. Now I am sick with OCD and I am troubling my elderly mother and my loving husband. I am not helping them be strong, I am troubling them. I am isolated and isolating myself even more. Very often I feel suicidal about my past and fear God hates me.
I am starting to think my OCD is triggered by an intense desire of not being in my body, in my self. I hate my identity. I have been a university professor and yet I feel like trash. Many people had complaints about my job although I was doing my very best. I struggle, struggle to be a good person and yet something always happens, someone steps in and all goes wrong, someone who points out I am odd or I don't dress well or even that I am ugly.
I utterly fear being jobless and looking for a new job because I fear no one would accept me even if I am very serious about my work performance.
The worst of all is that I very often doubt God's protection. I haven't accepted my father's death, nor I accept that my mum is already 75. Sometimes (OCD) I obsess about what would I do when she dies or if my husband died. I would be 100% alone. People don't like me and I never know how to make friends, although I don't do anything strange. But always something happens, people criticise things about me, in the end I feel isolated again. I already suffered from bullying at school.
I need prayers from people like you who are kind Christians and would not judge me for my past mistakes or doubts or fears of the future or sickness (OCD and depression). Many people have judged me harshly, they don't look at me in the street, people from the Catholic church. Now I doubt that even people who apparently love me really does so or is only being polite. Like my in-laws.
I don't know how to love myself and stop viewing myself as a loser. I was a new-age trash. I even did Tarot cards. I studied Jung and Freud and Carlos Castañeda (but I didn't take drugs). I hanged out with bad people, other new-agers, "free-thinkers", some of them atheists. Now these memories haunt me. I was so stupid and wasted so much of my life, soul, spirit and money. I indulged so much in sin. I fear people know my past and define me for my past now. I know it's part of the OCD, but I can't really love myself with the past I have. I can't believe I have the ability to be so stupid and waste my life this way.
I know that in Christ I am a new creation and yet sometimes the self-loathing attacks come back and completely overpower me telling me I'm fake and that actually I am just a sinner and will always be because I enjoyed these activities. I don't want to be like that anymore, I struggle every day to do my best to be a Christian woman, to put the Lord first and foremost in everything that I do, and I would like this inner voice that tells me I am alone, unsaved and a bad person at heart to shut up.
Thank you for your prayers, may God bless you always and thanks again.
God made a miracle and my mother told me she was sorry for our last argument in which she insulted me. Now she is pampering me a lot and I appreciate it greatly. I also do my very best to be a good daughter.
I also did my very best to take care of my father, who was sick all his life, until the end of his days four years ago.
But I feel terrible about my past mistakes. I have a "new age" past which now I loathe. I had premarital sex. I was a feminist. I did all this while my father was sick and my mum was sick of stress as well. I felt very alone. I had no guidance whatsoever. I fell often prey to predators.
Now my life is better, I have been working for three years at least until very recently, manage very modest finances with care, I should feel happy.
Yet I hate even my own face in the mirror. I see myself as a loser. I worked for the wrong people and this marked my identity. I obsess about the people who know my past. I also obsess about the people I have argued with, now I have many enemies. I obsess about how my in-laws haven't accepted me, even if whether I was right or wrong when I was Catholic. I spent too much in the past, I have read hoarding is part of OCD. I couldn't do much to alleviate my father's pain and many problems. He had a painful death. Now I am sick with OCD and I am troubling my elderly mother and my loving husband. I am not helping them be strong, I am troubling them. I am isolated and isolating myself even more. Very often I feel suicidal about my past and fear God hates me.
I am starting to think my OCD is triggered by an intense desire of not being in my body, in my self. I hate my identity. I have been a university professor and yet I feel like trash. Many people had complaints about my job although I was doing my very best. I struggle, struggle to be a good person and yet something always happens, someone steps in and all goes wrong, someone who points out I am odd or I don't dress well or even that I am ugly.
I utterly fear being jobless and looking for a new job because I fear no one would accept me even if I am very serious about my work performance.
The worst of all is that I very often doubt God's protection. I haven't accepted my father's death, nor I accept that my mum is already 75. Sometimes (OCD) I obsess about what would I do when she dies or if my husband died. I would be 100% alone. People don't like me and I never know how to make friends, although I don't do anything strange. But always something happens, people criticise things about me, in the end I feel isolated again. I already suffered from bullying at school.
I need prayers from people like you who are kind Christians and would not judge me for my past mistakes or doubts or fears of the future or sickness (OCD and depression). Many people have judged me harshly, they don't look at me in the street, people from the Catholic church. Now I doubt that even people who apparently love me really does so or is only being polite. Like my in-laws.
I don't know how to love myself and stop viewing myself as a loser. I was a new-age trash. I even did Tarot cards. I studied Jung and Freud and Carlos Castañeda (but I didn't take drugs). I hanged out with bad people, other new-agers, "free-thinkers", some of them atheists. Now these memories haunt me. I was so stupid and wasted so much of my life, soul, spirit and money. I indulged so much in sin. I fear people know my past and define me for my past now. I know it's part of the OCD, but I can't really love myself with the past I have. I can't believe I have the ability to be so stupid and waste my life this way.
I know that in Christ I am a new creation and yet sometimes the self-loathing attacks come back and completely overpower me telling me I'm fake and that actually I am just a sinner and will always be because I enjoyed these activities. I don't want to be like that anymore, I struggle every day to do my best to be a Christian woman, to put the Lord first and foremost in everything that I do, and I would like this inner voice that tells me I am alone, unsaved and a bad person at heart to shut up.
Thank you for your prayers, may God bless you always and thanks again.