It's hard getting this of my chest, but I do in the hopes people will be open minded and not judgemental..
I've been drinking, a lot the last 5-6 years, some months I can't control myself, and some months I can. (But not really, if I could, I wouldn't have the craving for alcohol).
Right now my brother is at a mental hospital, he's been there 4 years. In an out.
My mom have terminal cancer, and really not long to live. She hallucinates and can't even walk..
I pray for her everyday, but my faith isn't strong.. so I keep saying "God, if you're real, let me hear you"..
Im still taking walks with my mom, in her wheelchair.
And sometimes I sing her old bob Dylan, and Beatles songs and play them at guitar. We talk about God, but her relationship isn't strong either with God.
Anyway, to this;
I went to a bar this night, and I feel like a freak. There was people who wanted to speak with me, and they seemed interested, he asked "so what do you do" and I say "nothing" that's all, and it got quiet and akwkard, which is hard to experience when you're drunk..
I don't think I'm judgemental towards them, but as I look to my right, this woman is kissing two guys at the same time.
And at the bar all I see confusion, an illusion of laughter and shades of brokenness, hidden away in their eyes "the holy water" / alcohol..
Maybe I am jealous, a bit, cause they get attention, being silly.
I'm craving attention too, I don't know why, but like not about kissing and meaningless stuff. But a deep conversation about life.
Seems like I'm the only one with thoughts at the bar..
I know people see me as a freak, a weirdo, a killjoy, someone who in their eyes, I judge..
I walked straight home, where I'm at now, again feeling empty in a bar filled with like 100 people..
Maybe my mindset is still, that I can get love and be complete with human beings..
I wrote something, - non rhyming poem..
"What I wouldn't do for love..
What I wouldn't do to be loved.
In the path of craving love,
I can be self destructive ONLY,
To feel love.
Yet is it an illusion?
Cause I could learn every language in the world, and speak every word that's ever existed, and I wouldn't feel it.
Cause I could stumble my way towards the place they love, and pretend to love, only to be let down, only to LOVE the idea of love..
God, if I hear your voice, I'll know.
I won't have a psychosis, I'll not doubt anymore. How selfish am I.
I've been drinking, a lot the last 5-6 years, some months I can't control myself, and some months I can. (But not really, if I could, I wouldn't have the craving for alcohol).
Right now my brother is at a mental hospital, he's been there 4 years. In an out.
My mom have terminal cancer, and really not long to live. She hallucinates and can't even walk..
I pray for her everyday, but my faith isn't strong.. so I keep saying "God, if you're real, let me hear you"..
Im still taking walks with my mom, in her wheelchair.
And sometimes I sing her old bob Dylan, and Beatles songs and play them at guitar. We talk about God, but her relationship isn't strong either with God.
Anyway, to this;
I went to a bar this night, and I feel like a freak. There was people who wanted to speak with me, and they seemed interested, he asked "so what do you do" and I say "nothing" that's all, and it got quiet and akwkard, which is hard to experience when you're drunk..
I don't think I'm judgemental towards them, but as I look to my right, this woman is kissing two guys at the same time.
And at the bar all I see confusion, an illusion of laughter and shades of brokenness, hidden away in their eyes "the holy water" / alcohol..
Maybe I am jealous, a bit, cause they get attention, being silly.
I'm craving attention too, I don't know why, but like not about kissing and meaningless stuff. But a deep conversation about life.
Seems like I'm the only one with thoughts at the bar..
I know people see me as a freak, a weirdo, a killjoy, someone who in their eyes, I judge..
I walked straight home, where I'm at now, again feeling empty in a bar filled with like 100 people..
Maybe my mindset is still, that I can get love and be complete with human beings..
I wrote something, - non rhyming poem..
"What I wouldn't do for love..
What I wouldn't do to be loved.
In the path of craving love,
I can be self destructive ONLY,
To feel love.
Yet is it an illusion?
Cause I could learn every language in the world, and speak every word that's ever existed, and I wouldn't feel it.
Cause I could stumble my way towards the place they love, and pretend to love, only to be let down, only to LOVE the idea of love..
God, if I hear your voice, I'll know.
I won't have a psychosis, I'll not doubt anymore. How selfish am I.