Hello Skylar--
thanks for the questions. I will be up front with you that the first two questions are a little hard to answer at the moment.
I am currently unemployed and have been for nearly a year-- im in a very lonely, depressed period of life seeking God's path, trying to build faith and be strengthened through God. I was an English Teacher for 7 years--- teaching English as a second language in Moscow, Russia for about 2.5 years and then came back to California and for the next four years taught English Language Arts (including a year of French and a year of Drama at the same time) at two different schools. One year in Santa Cruz County, followed by 3 years in a tiny remote town in Mendocino County, roughly 160 miles north of San Francisco. It's a long story as to why I quit the profession last year-- but it was clearly the right choice. It was a very difficult moment in life where I had fallen apart, was barely hanging on, drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night while smoking pot and also smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, plus taking medications for ADHD and depression, and now I take another one for bipolar disorder. I know this is way more info than you asked for, but it's part of my current dilemma and why I am more hungry for the Lord than ever in my life. I have hit rock bottom and I am at a standstill with no current prospects or clue as to where life is going. I did enjoy teaching ESL (English as a second language) in Russia, but I was not a good high school teacher. I don't have the skills for it. I love sharing knowledge, but I'm not good at working with unmotivated teenagers, issuing discipline, keeping my cool or presence of mind, I'm an extremely sensitive person and felt overwhelmed with stress along with the surplus of negative energy that bombarded me basically every day I did that job. I was having breakdowns. Losing my mind. Nearly committed suicide on 3 different occasions. Certainly inflicted a lot of damage on my health, and my mental health greatly deteriorated. Plus I needed to leave the town where I was living urgently. I honestly didn't feel safe there. A lot of people hated me there, didn't see me as someone who belonged there, didn't like my eccentric behavior, my erratic emotional behavior (affected a lot by my increasingly unstable mental state), nor my personality, teaching style, etc. I was basically forced to leave the school a month early and left the town in shame with basically everyone wanting me gone. It was a terrible, traumatizing experience. I feel like a failure. I need God so much. I need to be fixed. I'm a mess.
Sorry, I'll stop ranting.
I'm currently looking for a new church to attend and I've been doing a poor job on this commitment. I haven't been a regular church goer as an adult. I was raised in a non-denominational Protestant Christian home, I spent a year on my own in the Catholic Church as I began my 'experimental' and 'individualistic' exploration of spirituality. Much of my adult life has been a roller coaster in terms of coming to peace with God. I've been angry at God a lot for my constant depression and loneliness. I have attended church services a number of times over the past few years, but not consistently. I've never been a full on atheist a single day of my life, but I have at times tended toward a lot of uncertainty in my conviction about God, struggling with a kind of agnostic/deistic view-- I can't deny God's existence in my heart though because God miraculously saved me from death at the age of 18. God I need saved again.
My #1 passion in life is Creative Writing. My imagination is the greatest asset the Lord equipped me with. Currently I struggle to write creatively, due to the horrible effects of depression. I also love reading literature, traveling, learning about all kinds of things, I have always constantly been consumed by interests in the big questions of life, exploring religion, philosophy, parapsychology, and anything related to my interest in the supernatural. I love animals. I love art.
I am not currently in any kind of ministry work but I should be really. I need to open up my world. I need to get established with a Christian community. I am committed to attending a new church this Sunday. Ministry of any kind would be great for me. I'm way too isolated and lonely.
I think my relationship with the Lord is probably now somewhat clarified. I think I am still falling short of true faith. I am reading the Word and praying every day, but I'm not maintaining the mindfulness and self-discipline to keep me focused on this or cleansing my spirit. I'm still fighting against a lot of inner pain, anger, bitterness, addictions, and negative thought cycles, feelings of hopelessness.
I love classical music more than any other kind. I'm a nerd. Mostly orchestral works but also choral/sacred music. I'm an old-fashioned type who prefers hymns over contemporary church songs. I also love techno/electronica, classic rock, big band jazz, and a lot of other music, I try to be open to listening to anything. I have a pretty diverse collection in my iTunes spanning a number of genres. I'm just not really a fan of country, bluegrass, rap, or hip hop.
And thank you about my dog. She was a precious gift from the Lord. i treat her like my own child. Her name is Jelly.
Ok, I gave you way more than you asked for. Forgive me.
How about you share your own answers to these questions and feel free to elaborate or go off any tangent you wish while you're at it. It'd only be fair.
