A
I'm not sure if this should be in this forum, I feel that its beyond prayer right now. I need to vent. I am an intuitive perceptive person. I'm analytical and am able to make connections with behavior and feelings. While this can be a good thing, it is also a burden. I'm in a family filled with unbelievers and cynics. There is a lot of anger and resentment, especially my big brother, and I don't know where it comes from. But a lot of it stems from insecurities. I can see this in my father and my two brothers. Insults are thrown around constantly. I really feel like an outsider, a weekend around my family gets me emotionally exhausted and usually am up late (like tonight), angry and crying silently, thinking about how toxic this environment is. And how much I want to leave. Being this outsider, I'm looked on a prudish I guess, for being a Christian. My little brother has been getting interested in conspiracy theories, the illuminati and constantly posting stuff about pot on his Facebook.
What I am getting to: because I can see passed these insecurities, see the hurt there, I feel helpless to do anything about it. Because I cannot. Whatever I say is taken to be prudish. So here I am, trapped, knowing this information, trying to cater to each insecurity to build them up. But I am so very tired, of having to. Seeing this potential in them, seeing hope that things may change. That they could move past their insecurities, cynicism and hate and feel joy and at peace. I hope in things that appear to hopeless. And I am so very tired of carrying this information about them, of caring, of trying to foster change, of hoping in something that is hopeless. I'm tired of carrying, for once in my life, I want to be the one carried.
I know I will get replies on here that there is always hope with God, and pray and whatever. I've done that. Other people have prayed. And I really don't want to hear it again... it seems the more I do pray, the more I feel this deep hurt when nothing changes. The more it feels hopeless.
What I am getting to: because I can see passed these insecurities, see the hurt there, I feel helpless to do anything about it. Because I cannot. Whatever I say is taken to be prudish. So here I am, trapped, knowing this information, trying to cater to each insecurity to build them up. But I am so very tired, of having to. Seeing this potential in them, seeing hope that things may change. That they could move past their insecurities, cynicism and hate and feel joy and at peace. I hope in things that appear to hopeless. And I am so very tired of carrying this information about them, of caring, of trying to foster change, of hoping in something that is hopeless. I'm tired of carrying, for once in my life, I want to be the one carried.
I know I will get replies on here that there is always hope with God, and pray and whatever. I've done that. Other people have prayed. And I really don't want to hear it again... it seems the more I do pray, the more I feel this deep hurt when nothing changes. The more it feels hopeless.