Question for Indians

[Blue3Falcon]

So I find myself in a very difficult situation with no one I can turn to for help! I am hoping some of you can give me some advice and encouragement on the matter. You see I go to a church that is very multicultural and I love it! Recently one of the boys from India has taken interest in me. A very long story short we went on two dates so far and chat every day. But I was starting to wonder if he liked me or just thought of me as a friend as the initial flirting had sorta died away. I asked God to give me the opportunity to tell him how I feel and he did. At first the guy didn't tell me how he felt back and he was going to leave it at that, but he felt bad cause he knew he had hurt me (this was all through text by the way).

When he told me the truth everything started to make sense, but you will now see my problem! Truth is he really likes me too but he is afraid. There are two other Indian guys at my church that he is close friends with and a married couple with two young children that are like his second family. He told me that one of these friends and the wife from this couple would not approve. I asked if it was because I am not indian and he said yes, but mostly because they believe church is for coming to worship God (which yes it very much is) and not somewhere where you develop feelings for someone.
This I disagree with, how else would you find someone who loves the Lord as much as you? Not saying church should be viewed as a christian dating organization lol, just saying that if two people fell for each other through church that should be a blessing!

So basically I have made a promise that I will tell no one. I have to just say that we are really good friends, and we are just that we both have feelings for each other. He is a wonderful guy, and I really don't want to lose him, but I don't know what I should do. What are the chances that those two would change their mind? I should mention that I am also friends with these two people and they have known me longer then he has. It's really hard knowing I can't tell anyone, even my roomate who knows the whole story up until now. I guess what I am asking is for, other then encouragement, is advice on wether or not to move on. I feel like if we are such good friends but like each other things are bound to progress wether he wants them to or not.

Also the morning before I found all this out I went to my roomates church. I met a guy there who seemed interested in me. He is going home for a few weeks so I have some time to sort things out. I don't know if I should pursue him or if I should stick it out for the other guy. Like I said I really care about the Indian guy and I have only just met this other one. What do I do guys???

 

[savedNblessed]

Well there are cultural things and Biblical truths that come into play here. I won't go into cultural things right now because it will take me a long time to type everything. From Biblical perspective, I don't see the mention of God or His will anywhere in your post. Yes, you met him at church but that's not enough. The way you said, you are already looking at another guy says that your feelings for the Indian guy doesn't have a firm foundation. Doesn't matter which guy you will date or have feelings for, as bad as this sounds, it won't work out. You need to pursue God and find out His will before you pursue a guy. I'm 25, been single all my life. Yes, I was a teenager. Yes I've liked guys before and had my crushes but I've never actually been in a relationship before. Why?! Because that's how God has wanted it to be. As I've grown closer to Him, I've known why He has made me wait. So my advice, pray and seek God's guidance to control your feelings.
The cultural part, I would just say few things. Dating, is unacceptable in Indian culture. One CANNOT just hang out with a guy or a girl, without any kind of a commitment. Also, A marriage, is not just between the guy and the girl, but it's between two families. I hope this will give you better perspective on things.

 

[Blue3Falcon]

I may not have mentioned God in my first post but trust me he is my number one in this! I've been praying and praying that he will guide my heart and comfort me. I also have been single most of my life. I had one boyfriend back in high school for a month and have been on a few dates, but mostly guys have never been interested in me. It's only been in the recent few years that I've started to have better luck. I always prayed "God don't let me fall for the wrong guy, let me know who is the right one by him pursuing me" (I say this bassed on my past experiences). This guy did come after me, no other guy has ever done that. And yes I know mentioning another one doesn't sound good but hear me out. I have had my heart broken so many times that I prefer not to linger on feelings for someone if I know I will just get hurt in the end. I don't really know this guy very well yet, or even if I like him, I just know he is interested in me and I think when he comes back he will want to get to know me better. When I think about if I should forget the indian guy my heart breaks, I really care about him but I know you mentioned we don't have a firm foundation and that is because we haven't had enough time to really build one. We were kind of in this half way stage when I found all this out. I just don't want to let my heart grow closer to him if it is only going to be ripped apart in the end. Do you know what I mean? And as for the family thing, I really like these two people he said wouldn't be happy. They are good friends of mine, though I am not as close with them as he is.

 

[levi85]

there are cultural difference between you and the indian guy, you have to pray to the Lord , not saying that Lord please provide me this Indian guy but ask, Lord do you want that i built a relationship with this guy? is it your will ?, if it His will believe me these differences will never be able to separate you and the India friend, but if it is not God s plan, i think you may try harder but no result. now do not be serious about this matter but be an as usual friend to the Indian boy and also with other couple , and thank and praise the Lord for your life and everything and go ahead. or things will go wrong way, which you might not able to solve at a latter stage

 

[levi85]

you are right, that the dating is not allowed here. this is one of the important thing in India which matters the most

 

[stefen]

Dating a guy is common in western culture. But to Indians. If you are married that's it. You should not think for divorce after that.

But for western people, they marry and live together for some years and will give birth to child and they will break the relationship and move on. This is unacceptable in Indian culture. You have to think this point here. That's why that Indian family is not liking you to marry tat guy.

Indians will not only see at that individual character. They see at others family background. Are their parents are living together? Or divorced? And about their siblings, are they married? And if they are studying, character at school.. Everything has to be considered for a marriage.

So, what I feel is it will be difficult to adjust with indian culture. You can look for that second guy and be a friend with Indian friend. That will solve all matter. Why I am telling this.. If he is moved to Indian after some years due to some problem, can you adjust this environment? Huge heat, very less western toilets here, under developed, indian food, etc..! You can't expect sandwich and pizza's all the time. Your health will be spoiled after some time. So, think of all these, before you step in.

Future is not in our hands. Anything may happen. That Indian guy is loving you at your skin, if he have loved you truly for marriage, he would have inquired about your family background 1st. And introduce you to their families.

And if all the above is OK for you, just wait for next one or two years before proceeding for marriage. Time will give you the best solution.

 

[onlinebuddy]

Just a few questions, if you don't mind:
1) What does the Indian guy do? (studying/ working)
2) What are his future plans (long term)?
3) Are his immediate family members Christians?
4) Do your church elders/ leaders get involved with younger members in helping them find spouses?

Some general guidelines:
Do not hurry; do not worry.
God wants you to have the best and will put the right person in your path at HIS time. So WAIT for HIS timing.
Meanwhile, focus on putting God first in all areas of your life.
Find love and strength and consolation and satisfaction in your relationship with God first, and then you will be able to recognize the right guy when he comes along.
God Bless!

 

[Blue3Falcon]

The answers to your questions onlinebuddy:

1) He is currently studying
2) All i've learned is to work in his field here in canada when he is done school.
3) Yes they are
4) They dont play matchmaker if that is what you meant

 

[CHRISTENE]

Truth is he really likes me too but he is afraid. There are two other Indian guys at my church that he is close friends with and a married couple with two young children that are like his second family. He told me that one of these friends and the wife from this couple would not approve. I asked if it was because I am not indian and he said yes, but mostly because they believe church is for coming to worship God


There are love marriages in India too, and often the families disapprove; but that doesn't stop the couples from being together or getting married.Recently one of my cousin sister married a man she loved ,their family had objected , but eventually the family accepted their decision.If a man really loves a woman and she loves him too and the parents disagree,the couple most often go for a secret wedding against the will of their family and yes few couples choose to split and they obey their family and marry the person family approves.

In your case the man has preferred his family and not you or his love and feelings for you. I suggest leave him, might be he is not worthy of your love.

 

[DamionMeints]

@Blue3Falcon:

I truly appreciate the Love of yours. The situation you are going through is tough, but remember,

"Tough times do not last forever, tough people do. And above all - have faith in God..."

Ask few things to yourself, Do you really want to be with him for the rest of your life?
And if you are ready for the commitment, will you be ready to keep it so for his family too?
Because, you know How important is the family to the guy you love.
So, your commitment to the guy is like a lifetime commitment to the family.
Even if they accept you and your love, but then you start facing the cultural differences say, after spending some time and then problems arise ? or vice-versa...
Let your heart answer these questions for you, and may God help you find the right way....Amen

 

[onlinebuddy]

Sorry, this is a long post, because your situation made me think at length.

Firstly, let me tell you that a church is the right place to look for a spouse, if that’s what you’re looking for. There is no better place.

Thanks for your answers. All your answers seem fine. Good that your church elders do not play matchmaker. I have known some elders to take the matchmaking too far. However, in my opinion, there should be some level of involvement of elders in order to help youngsters make the right decisions. Here’s why: Youngsters are more inclined towards making emotional decisions. On the other hand, elders tend to make decisions that are more logical and practical. They have been through their share of mistakes and heartbreaks, and therefore have more foresight. Therefore I would advise you to share your story with some elder (your parents, a Christian couple or some church members), and take their opinion, if you would.

Another more important question is: Are you both ready for a serious relationship? In India, we do not think of courtship and marriage unless the guy has finished his studies and has a career (that can support a family) going. I hope you understand what I mean. What I mean is that courtship has a purpose, and that is marriage. Marriage is a commitment. So are you both ready for such a commitment?

With the little I know, I can't tell you whether to go ahead with this Indian guy or to back off. Why don’t you wait for him to initiate a few times? This does not mean that I approve of freestyle dating. Christian dating and courtship is different. However, he needs to initiate if he wants a future with you.

My church sometimes organizes group dates just so that the “brothers” and “sisters” (who may someday end up being spouses) can spend time with each other in an environment that is less prone to temptation, and get to know each other. So I’m not against dating.

Then comes the question about the cultural differences. My sister-in-law (my wife's sister) married an American man. Both are from the same Bible-believing church and are god-fearing people. They had Christ as the center of their lives and therefore brushed aside the cultural differences for many years. However, as time passed by, the cultural differences began create hurts and resentments and regrets between them. When their kids grew up, the father wanted his kids to leave home and be independent, whereas the mother thought that they were not prepared for life at the age of 18 (not Indian culture, you see). This is also because she had seen too many American girls leave home and get involved in relationships and get pregnant. A few young girls from her husband’s family side are already single mothers. Now, please don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to scare you, but I’d like you to be ready for the cultural differences if you wish to pursue this relationship.

Now, all said and done, (the bottom line is that) I still believe that two god-fearing people can make a great couple, irrespective of cultural differences.

And yes, things are changing in India. Of late, there are many love-marriages happening in India. However, marriages continue to be family affairs.

About this other guy, whom you just met; I would say it's too early to say anything.

All the best, and God Bless!

 

[Blue3Falcon]

Thank you onlinebuddy and DamionMeints, you guys gave me some great advice. I think some people are confused and think me and this guy have been really close for a long time. He has been at my church for a while but it has only been about two months that we've connected. I was just asking to see if I should put my heart out on the line so to speak. Thanks again for the advice you two, I'm feeling better about the situation

 

[DamionMeints]

I was just asking to see if I should put my heart out on the line so to speak. Thanks again for the advice you two, I'm feeling better about the situation

I'm glad you feel better now.
Love your God and thou shall Love yourself....
May God find you what you want and and more appropriate and good in all conditions...