10 Signs of an Abusive Church

Church often brings Elizabeth Esther to a panic attack. The familiar faces, the rich colored wood, the cadence of the hymns might seem innocuous to the average churchgoer. But those invasive eyes, confining walls, and songs of condemnation hit her hard from the past. They hurt because of where she’s been.


Esther grew up in a “homegrown, fundamentalist Christian group,” where she learned to distrust herself, stockpile for the Apocalypse, and nothing about forgiveness. Now that she’s free, she’s learning to trust God, and she wants to help others who may be caught in a legalistic and abusive church environment.


In a trending blog post, she lists the top ten warning signs that we should watch for, starting with the pastor:


“1. Personality Centric: a pastor whose charming, charismatic, intense, persuasive and intelligent personality holds unquestioned sway over his/her congregation. He/she is treated like a celebrity. Not held accountable. Not held to same standard of morality as the rest of the congregation.”


The rest of her list points out other areas to keep an eye on:


2. Operates Independently: without oversight
3. Engulfment: members only
4. Busyness: a focus on activities
5. Stalking: keeping tabs on members
6. Coded Language: members-only jargon
7. Unrealistic Promises: unhealthy focus on wealth and blessings
8. Courting Rituals: dating by approval only
9. Shunning: not accepting those who leave or are outside the church
10. “The Ends Justify the Mean”: “purity of doctrine” over love
In a blog post on Christianity.com, Russell Moore, president of the SBC’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission, warns that any church can steer toward this sort of inward focus. And to counter it, we need more tattoos. Here’s what he means:


“The Gospels consistently tell us that the preaching of Jesus drew in those who had hard stories, who had made bad decisions, or faced horrible situations that seemed to have wrecked their lives forever: prostitutes, Roman collaborators, leprous outcasts, the demon-possessed, and on and on. That’s because, he tells us, the Spirit builds the kingdom not with the noble or the powerful but with the lame, the marred, the hopeless (Lk. 14:21–23; 1 Cor. 1:26–29).


“If we’re really carrying the gospel to the whole world, this means there are going to be people listening, whose bodies carry messages contrary to the Word of God. So did our hearts and psyches.”


We’d like to hear from you. What do you think of this list? Were you hurt by an abusive church? What warning signs would you give?

The 10 signs in details...


Top Ten Signs of a Potentially Abusive Church



One of the most frequent questions I’m asked is: what are some signs of a spiritually abusive church? My book, “Girl at The End of the World,” tells my story of growing up in an abusive church. But I thought it might be helpful if I shared a list of “red-flag” warning signs here on my site as well. Thank you, as always, for reading and sharing. EE.


Personality Centric: a pastor whose charming, charismatic, intense, persuasive and intelligent personality holds unquestioned sway over his/her congregation. He/she is treated like a celebrity. Not held accountable. Not held to same standard of morality as the rest of the congregation.


Operates Independently: no oversight, doesn’t answer to an established denomination, there is no way for grievances to be filed or addressed, even in cases of outright abuse the police or civil authorities are not called.


Engulfment: “true members” of the church devote their WHOLE lives to the church, center all their activities around church activities, discouraged to have friends outside the church, family members who express concern about the church are cut off, leaving the church is the same as leaving God.


Busyness: a plethora of required/mandatory-without-saying-it’s-mandatory activities that fill up the weekly schedule, giving time and energy for free to various hard labor projects (cleaning and cooking for pastor’s family, for example).


Stalking: Big Brother-type monitoring is called “just keeping each other accountable.” Calling to “just check in” if a member misses church meeting. Approving clothing, daily decisions, watching online activity for “problematic” opinions and posts–all under the guise of “spiritual care” for the person’s soul.


Coded Language: an ingrown church has developed a special, insider language/lingo that only those who have been there for a long time understand. Sometimes common, everyday words are given different definitions particular to that church; ie. “keep sweet” is a phrase used in some polygamist circles that means women should behave in a church-approved way.


Unrealistic Promises: members of an unhealthy church are often seduced by big talk about all the wealth, blessings and riches God will give them if they just devote their lives to this church. Delivery on these promises is rare. Those who do not experience God’s blessings are told they have “weak faith.”


Courting Rituals: a man must seek leadership approval (above parental approval) before seeking “to court” (or date) a woman, courting couples must follow a prescribed set of rules according to arbitrary traditions established by the church; ie. no kissing until the wedding day.


Shunning: if someone leaves the church, church leadership requires all other members to ignore this person until they “repent.” New church members are told to shun family members who don’t support the church. Parents are told to shun “rebellious” teenagers. Husbands are to shun “unsubmissive” wives. The church comes first in all relationships.


“The Ends Justify the Means:” a spiritually abusive church justifies all kinds of oppressive behavior by saying they only desire to truly serve and love God. “We’re doing this for Jesus, so it’s OK!” ; ie. spanking children to “break the will” because the end result is a child who will love and serve God for his/her whole life. Be wary of a church that emphasizes “purity of doctrine” over the WAY it treats people. Methods and processes matter. The ends do NOT justify the means.