Conquering my fear

Ok, I don't usually do this kind of thing but I'm going out on a limb here. I am a little shy about religious kinds of conversation... actually that's a little bit of an understatement. The truth is I have an irrational fear of Christians and even churches. The first time I went to church here I had a panic attack. That was two years ago during the worst year of my life. However, during that time, I realized that there are benefits to going to church despite my different beliefs. Not to mention, getting to know Jesus has become of interest to me. For the first time in my life, I'm actually reading the bible and paying closer attention to what it is I'm reading. But I've realized that this will take a bit more than sitting alone in my apartment reading a bible.

That being said, I've decided to embark on a spiritual journey to further develop my religious beliefs and conquer my fear of Christians and churches. I'm doing that by going to church on a fairly regular basis and reading the bible and other books that I think would help me further understand Christianity. I'd also like to do that by getting to know some other Christians such as yourselves.

I'm open to any sort of advice on how to conquer this fear and how to further progress on my spiritual journey.

What is it about Christians and churches you are fearful of??

I don't know and I don't know where it stems from. Nothing traumatic ever happened to me in a church and Christians in particular never did anything terrible to me. I guess I'm more used to the scary radicals that condemn you to hell before asking you anything.

I recognize that it is irrational and trying to get myself out there more. I've noticed in going to the same church regularly, I don't panic as much, if not at all. But if I go to a new one, my anxiety spikes sometimes to a point where I just have to leave.

LOL, I'm scared of those radicals too. It makes sense that you are more comfortable going to the same church. At some point you may want to make an appointment to meet with the pastor and talk one on one with them about your concerns and questions. That's what they are there for. And there are many friendly folks here willing to answer any questions you may have. There are no wrong questions. Welcome.

Been there done that for sure, Fear at the beginning of concouring it can be a giant leap but the more it's faced it starts to become baby steps which in turn starts to be a full blown race to run from it which turns into stop the race is over fear has been left behind.

Is there anything in your life that might cause another Christian to tell you that you are going to hell?
I'm just curious. What different beliefs do you have that is not the same as those in the churches you go to? Do you not want them known?

You are getting to know Jesus - now give yourself to him. He has given his blood so that you may have eternal life with him.
He really really loves you.

Yeah about that... The pastor speaks very little English along with pretty much everyone at the church. I'm trying to learn the language to better communicate with him. But even without the language barrier, I'm still going to struggle. He only knows that I'm not a Christian and he knows my core beliefs but he doesn't know the half of it.

But thank you for your encouragement. I just hope my questions won't offend anyone... Since I'm new to the website, any ideas on where to start?

To answer your first question, not really. I got swarmed by a bunch of old ladies shouting at me in Korean because I had apparently asked the wrong people for directions to my friends Buddhist temple.

To answer your second question, my core religious beliefs aren't all that different from a Christian although there are some Christian beliefs I disagree with. For example, I disagree on the issue of homosexuality. I'm afraid to bring it up with the pastor simply because here in Korea, the worst thing you can be is gay or disabled.

As for your third point... I cannot bring myself to give myself to Jesus at this time. To me, it would be like signing a contract without reading the job description. On top of that, I've come to realize I'm also afraid of Jesus himself. It took me years and a lot of encouragement from my good friend just to talk to him. Likewise, I don't know the root cause of this but I'm determined to conquer it and see it through.

Thats a fear I know to well, because in my past not to far back either,
for me it was I thought I was to much of a wreck, my whole life I've felt God was there all along my days been in my thoughts and I've seen his motions all around me but i didn't have a close relationship because of me I ran from it because I have such a respect for how Jesus lived his life and of Gods ways and how he Loves that I couldn't bare being in the same company feeling ashamed of who I had become. then one day I Got tired of running from not living the way I should be living or believing and found out that's what really he wanted me to do all along for he doesn't care about me fixing my self first but he wanted to fix me with me included in the process. he wants to help us be our friend and Love us for having broken wings and is teaching me now to be a better person in his ways solo and through others who he has done the same for or still wants too for more people who he can reach. I use to Think that I had to change first my ways before I could be excepted good enough and that my friend is far from truth to change our lives before he will except us in to his heart and home. But what he did on the Cross is so we don't have to start with a clean plate before he places food on it for us to eat and live in him and him in us. Jesus just wants us to bring a plate from our heart and give it to him no matter the dirt on it because he knows just how to clean those plates with a perfect Love and care without a application or a coin for washing machine.

Sounds like you're doing it already. Good for you! You might want to avoid the zealots until you've had more exposure to it all - and possibly continue to avoid them thereafter.

What benefits are you thinking of?

Well benefit number one has been no longer feeling so lonely in a foreign land despite the language barrier. Really that's the biggest benefit I see. I do realize that I gain wisdom and knowledge through talking to Christians. I tell myself that it's ok to agree to disagree on certain issues as long as there us still respect there.

Since I'm kind of new to this whole Christian world, when you wrote the word zealots, I first thought you meant something completely different. For now, the people I tend to avoid are mormons and Jahovas witnesses.

It's not just a matter of running away from him because I feel unworthy. It's also me trying to discover for myself whether or not Jesus and Christianity are for me. I don't know if I believe in Jesus necessarily (that he is the messiah), but I do know I admire him and can learn from him and his followers. Will I come out of this journey a Christian? I don't know, but I'm here to find out.

Good, I'm glad you're assimilating, rather than the congregation causing you to feel more alone.

Mormons are - at least as far as I've experienced - really wonderful people. They get a lot of flack from pretty much any Christian denomination that's not Mormon, as do JWs, and I understand that the worldviews clash. I don't think you have to shy away from them entirely, though I think it's smart to tread carefully in any part of the whole religious arena.

Maybe that's why I'm kind of nervous about this... I don't quite know what people's intentions are for me. Are they just interested in gaining a new member? Are they genuinely interested in helping me out?

I can't speak for how Korean culture influences it. Western Christianity is largely aimed at "saving" people and upholding fundamental religious values. Some pastors- irrespective of the culture - may see it as strictly a viable financial vessel.

You can learn a fair amount from Christians and even the pulpit. You can garner a lot of insight from select teachers and literature too - probably even more so than from a congregation.

I have no basis for comparison between Korea and America. I went to a Catholic Church in America maybe 3 times in my life. But I can tell you so far the church I go to seems pretty open and friendly... Then again, I haven't told them much about myself. Because of the language barrier, it's relatively easy to just go and hide behind it.

Well, baby steps. If you open up about it and they show you some grace in spite of your position, that's a good sign.

For what ever it's worth is I do thank you for making the thread I was drawn to it because I have fears too and you helped me to conquer a fear by posting the conquering fear thread things do happen for a reason a purpose and I had to get that fear off my chest that's the honest truth. what I mentioned about running being unworthy that was my personal testimony everyone has one in there own way. I have never talked to anyone before about that fear of mine not in my life or on this site. Your thread was the first time I've opened up like that about a fear of mine. I'm a work in progress and have other fears to conquer too and I guess that will be one step at a time. There's many here who have there own struggles their working through and I hope You also discover the journey.

I'm getting slightly better with managing though... Although yesterday, I walked into a church and couldn't buck up the courage to go to where everyone was. I stood there on the first floor for 40 minutes before having a full panic attack and having to leave. Funny enough, that was the last straw that lead me to sign up for the first Christian online forum I could find on google... this was the one. At this point, just getting to know people is my first step here.

I've heard a preacher/teacher say that they had a bad stuttering problem until they became convinced that GOD loved them and thats when their stuttering problem left.

The WORD of GOD Is TRUTH and liberating.