Engaged - want to break it off... Need help

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
B

Blanche

Junior Member
#21
Mar 19, 2018
173
54
28
#21
blue_ladybug said:
You are absolutely right. However, dating apps and long distance dating rarely if ever, work out. So you should give up going that route. People need total love and commitment to each other to stand before God and marry. :) And if you marry someone you don't love, it will only bring you and her nothing but heartbreak and unhappiness when the inevitable divorce happens.. You're wise to break it off now.
Click to expand...
Ladybug ... I agree 1000%. So true.

Imagine if you start out not loving someone or not feeling any attractioin, where you will be in 5 years, 10 or 20? With kids and miserable? Better to just let her go now. You are not doing a favor to marry someone you do not love. Love starts out with attraction (physical/emotional) and then it grows into the long-term kind of love ... so YES, you do need to both want each other. You can do this without hurting her as much as possible by just 'blaming yourself' ... find reasons that are partly true: "too young, not earning enough money now, feel too immature" .. so that it stings less.
 
C

Chadz30

Junior Member
#22
Apr 22, 2018
8
0
0
#22
tourist said:
I believe that you have it backwards, it was the woman that got played. Also, the couple are currently in South Africa and not the United States. I used to make the occasional bet and I bet that if this guy breaks this off at this late stage of the game that she will use this ticket to get back home. He is the one that is making her have doubts, not her. He should feel guilty, gets engaged to a woman in another country, she leaves her home and family to start a new life with him in a strange country, soon as they arrive he is contemplating throwing her under the bus because he says that he doesn't really know her. Probably doing her a favor in the long one though. Why stay with a man who doesn't love you?
Click to expand...

Well to be fair, i do love her to an extent. Also there are finer details you dont know. For example i also sacrificed alot to travel to her country and bring her here. I paid alot of money plus bought an engagement ring. Like i said i know it was a bit soon, but it was a mistake on my side and hers. We both took this risk... and if i had arrived there and she didnt like me in person, she would have ended it and i would have returned home broke and with a broken heart. That is the price sometimes when we search for love. Im not a monster im not going to just abandon her and be nasty etc just because i dont feel i can marry her. I treat her well here and will do so until she leaves. But yea its easier to judge when you dont know all the finer details. Like i said its always a risk when searching for love, a heart is always on the line, and this could have ended badly for either of us. unfortunately its her, and i must bare that guilt
 
L

La_Vie_En_Rose

Guest
#23
#23
Be honest. When you take a bandage off slowly, it is excruciating. Tear the bandage off quickly. Tell her “I am sorry, but I do not love you and I do not want to marry you.”

There is a saying, “Be cruel to be kind.” Keeping a woman on tenterhooks and giving her mixed signals and false hope is way worse than leaving her. Cut off all contact with her so she can find the man who really IS attracted to her and in love with her. I am sure she will not wither and die without your friendship. “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” She will be just fine.
 
socalpoppy

socalpoppy

Junior Member
#24
May 7, 2018
33
24
8
#24
Chadz30 said:
No we dont sleep together. She does stay with me but we have strict rules about sex before marriage. We avoid it and also try avoid too much kissing etc too as we all know it leads to sex. But even when we kiss... i dont feel it... It feels like im just not attracted. I know i must break it off... just its really hard and the guilt is eating at me every day. I am good to her tho... i do hug and show her some affection... i try. I try always be respectful and kind, patient and understanding with everything if we have any conflicts. But telling her i have doubts etc, as nicely as i put it, never ends well. and it can be just as painful to break someones heart as it is getting it broken
Click to expand...
Not sleeping with her will help with the break. At this point, you need to tell her. You should feel more guilty for each moment that you pretend it might work than for guilt that it didn't work. You feel guilt? That is God telling you to act. Do not kiss, hug, or show physical affection any more. Get her safely home. That is how you put her needs ahead of your own. She does not need fake affection and kindness. Pretending is lying to her, wasting her time, and being cruel. Don't put your pain ahead of hers. Take action. Get her safely home.
 
Last edited:
B

Blanche

Junior Member
#25
Mar 19, 2018
173
54
28
#25
I would not be "brutally honest" with her and tell her I am not attracted to her. I would put it on myself ... saying something like I AM NOT READY FOR ANY COMMITMENT TO ANYONE. I did not realize this, but ... (that is what I would do in order for the other person to save face ....
 
socalpoppy

socalpoppy

Junior Member
#26
May 7, 2018
33
24
8
#26
I thought I had replied to your last post, but I don't see it here. I will repost it.

"I can see that this is really difficult for you. God will forgive you. If we believe on the name of Jesus, that He is the Son of God, that God sent Him here to reconcile the world to himself, and that Jesus paid the price for your sin, confess that sin acknowledging that you are relying on Christ's payment, you will be forgiven. God has promised us that. You can claim it. The cool thing is that even when we are having a hard time, we can talk to God, telling Him all about it. We can ask Him to help us do hard things. We can ask Him what we are supposed to do, then get the strength of His Spirit to help us do it. I'm so proud of you for coming here to work through it and coming back again and again to think through what you are hearing us say."
 
notuptome

notuptome

Senior Member
#27
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,538
113
#27
Best thing that could happen to this girl is for this dude to break the engagement. Saves her from a life of being bound to a man without direction and character not to mention integrity. Selfish is the word that best describes my observations about this matter.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 
You must log in or register to reply here.