L
Hey there guys,
I'm sure I've said hi before back in 2009 but I wasn't able to find the post. Since it's been around 4 years and I've been pretty much just a lurker I thought I'd say hi again. This is a bit heavy and I really so apologise.
Even back in 2009 I was lost in a world of constant drinking youth these days!), sexual deviancy and hurting people with vicious words but even since then, my life has gotten worse. I love God I really do - even though I fail him constantly - I have a testimony of his word and believe with all my heart and soul that Jesus is the Christ and my only hope. Every spec of hope I have within me rests on him but I am lost among the thorns and I find it so hard to even see the light of the outside.
Since 2009 I've given up alcohol and I've made sure to watch my mouth before I speak but like all people, I fall at times. I've developed a severe anxiety disorder which has rendered me emotionless and empty. I literally can't feel anything...except fear. Fear owns my life and anxiety controls every second of it - My only escape is sleep.
To combat my anxiety I've been to Doctors, Counselors, Ministers, Psychologists and Psychiatrists and I have yet to find one ounce of relief. I've prayed so many times for help from God on this but I guess this is just my cross to bear, still I have never blamed Him for my condition.
About 2 years ago my grandparents died and left my sibling and I were left the lovely sum of around $75,000 each and I was so happy. I felt so fortunate that my grandparents cared enough about us and loved us both enough to leave us that so that we could live a happier life and settle down. I wish so much to hug them when I found out what they'd done for us but alas, I ruined it all.
I have never had an addictive personality, never. Even when I drank alcohol it was just because it was a thing to do and giving it up was as easy as 1-2-3. I've tried smoking and drugs and none of it is anything I'm interested in and thank God, I was never drawn back to it. All in all, except for a few bumps, I'm a clean living person. Anyway, one day I discovered online gambling and signed up and though 'Hey, what's $1000 to lose when I have so much? I'll just transfer the rest to my other Bank Account so I can't touch it'. That day I lost over $40,000.
I went on to chase my losses and won about $30,000 back but eventually lost not just the initial $75,000 but also all my winnings. All in all I estimate my losses to be around $130,000. Luckily I'm young and I have a job so my actions only ruined my life and not anyone elses but I can not shake off the sense I feel that I betrayed my grandparents with something as ridiculous as online gambling. It makes me want to cry so much, I wish my anxiety disorder would let me cry.
Since then I've continued gambling my wage and probably wasting about 70% of my monthly income on gambling. I've lied to my partner to borrow money to gamble in the hope of winning some back and last month I won $8000, I was so happy I thought 'finally, a chance to pay back all my debts and be free.' I ended up gambling it all again. Since starting this addiction, I've also put on a huge tonne of weight and neglected God. Anxiety and the love and lust to win more have become my life.
I know that as you read this many will say 'You can't just be stupid enough to gamble and then blame anxiety' and to you I'd ask that you take a second to understand that when you have anxiety, you often look for an escape. To me, gambling was an escape - I knew that because I concentrated so hard when gambling I wouldn't have a panic attack, it became a warped and dangerous 'freedom' much like a drug. Just like a drug addiction, gambling causes one to lie, to decieve and to do stupid things.
I'm a very passive person and shy so luckily gambling never lead me to anything darker but here I am, with my life destroyed, my anxiety even worse than ever and constantly begging God for mercy and true freedom. I've contacted every Casino that can legally operate where I live and banned myself permanently for life, I literally cannot gamble and although that is great, the back of my mind is saying 'What if you were just $100 away from winning more than you could imagine!' but atleast no temptation can cause me to gamble now.
I have destroyed my life, I've lost the money I wanted to buy a house with my partner settle down and raise a family. I've betrayed not just myself, my partner but also my grandparents who worked their whole life to leave their grandchildren something to make their life easier. I am so full of shame and regret that I can't even put it into words. I've gambled everything I have and what others have given me. I am a horrific human being and, I'm not the suicidal type, but I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.
I want to start my life anew, to stop abusing food and respecting this temple God made for my soul to dwell in. I want to work for his glory and turn my life into something dedicated to others instead being run by the fear of my anxiety. My soul cries endlessly for Christ to heal me.
I read of the woman in the street who was fortunate enough to just touch Jesus' cloak and be healed. Lord, if you could just drop a part of that blesséd cloak down from Heaven and allow me to touch it and be healed, I would rejoice endlessly.
Lord, in your mercy, hear me.
I'm sure I've said hi before back in 2009 but I wasn't able to find the post. Since it's been around 4 years and I've been pretty much just a lurker I thought I'd say hi again. This is a bit heavy and I really so apologise.
Even back in 2009 I was lost in a world of constant drinking youth these days!), sexual deviancy and hurting people with vicious words but even since then, my life has gotten worse. I love God I really do - even though I fail him constantly - I have a testimony of his word and believe with all my heart and soul that Jesus is the Christ and my only hope. Every spec of hope I have within me rests on him but I am lost among the thorns and I find it so hard to even see the light of the outside.
Since 2009 I've given up alcohol and I've made sure to watch my mouth before I speak but like all people, I fall at times. I've developed a severe anxiety disorder which has rendered me emotionless and empty. I literally can't feel anything...except fear. Fear owns my life and anxiety controls every second of it - My only escape is sleep.
To combat my anxiety I've been to Doctors, Counselors, Ministers, Psychologists and Psychiatrists and I have yet to find one ounce of relief. I've prayed so many times for help from God on this but I guess this is just my cross to bear, still I have never blamed Him for my condition.
About 2 years ago my grandparents died and left my sibling and I were left the lovely sum of around $75,000 each and I was so happy. I felt so fortunate that my grandparents cared enough about us and loved us both enough to leave us that so that we could live a happier life and settle down. I wish so much to hug them when I found out what they'd done for us but alas, I ruined it all.
I have never had an addictive personality, never. Even when I drank alcohol it was just because it was a thing to do and giving it up was as easy as 1-2-3. I've tried smoking and drugs and none of it is anything I'm interested in and thank God, I was never drawn back to it. All in all, except for a few bumps, I'm a clean living person. Anyway, one day I discovered online gambling and signed up and though 'Hey, what's $1000 to lose when I have so much? I'll just transfer the rest to my other Bank Account so I can't touch it'. That day I lost over $40,000.
I went on to chase my losses and won about $30,000 back but eventually lost not just the initial $75,000 but also all my winnings. All in all I estimate my losses to be around $130,000. Luckily I'm young and I have a job so my actions only ruined my life and not anyone elses but I can not shake off the sense I feel that I betrayed my grandparents with something as ridiculous as online gambling. It makes me want to cry so much, I wish my anxiety disorder would let me cry.
Since then I've continued gambling my wage and probably wasting about 70% of my monthly income on gambling. I've lied to my partner to borrow money to gamble in the hope of winning some back and last month I won $8000, I was so happy I thought 'finally, a chance to pay back all my debts and be free.' I ended up gambling it all again. Since starting this addiction, I've also put on a huge tonne of weight and neglected God. Anxiety and the love and lust to win more have become my life.
I know that as you read this many will say 'You can't just be stupid enough to gamble and then blame anxiety' and to you I'd ask that you take a second to understand that when you have anxiety, you often look for an escape. To me, gambling was an escape - I knew that because I concentrated so hard when gambling I wouldn't have a panic attack, it became a warped and dangerous 'freedom' much like a drug. Just like a drug addiction, gambling causes one to lie, to decieve and to do stupid things.
I'm a very passive person and shy so luckily gambling never lead me to anything darker but here I am, with my life destroyed, my anxiety even worse than ever and constantly begging God for mercy and true freedom. I've contacted every Casino that can legally operate where I live and banned myself permanently for life, I literally cannot gamble and although that is great, the back of my mind is saying 'What if you were just $100 away from winning more than you could imagine!' but atleast no temptation can cause me to gamble now.
I have destroyed my life, I've lost the money I wanted to buy a house with my partner settle down and raise a family. I've betrayed not just myself, my partner but also my grandparents who worked their whole life to leave their grandchildren something to make their life easier. I am so full of shame and regret that I can't even put it into words. I've gambled everything I have and what others have given me. I am a horrific human being and, I'm not the suicidal type, but I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again.
I want to start my life anew, to stop abusing food and respecting this temple God made for my soul to dwell in. I want to work for his glory and turn my life into something dedicated to others instead being run by the fear of my anxiety. My soul cries endlessly for Christ to heal me.
I read of the woman in the street who was fortunate enough to just touch Jesus' cloak and be healed. Lord, if you could just drop a part of that blesséd cloak down from Heaven and allow me to touch it and be healed, I would rejoice endlessly.
Lord, in your mercy, hear me.
