S
My name is how I feel. I don't mean it in the antichrist way, but I feel as if I have been appointed to destruction. A little backstory:
I was always a destructive and rebellious child. At the age of eight I became intensely interested in Jesus and became a Christian. The next few years I became a lot more docile and instead of being a terror I was a delight. By my teenage years I became excessively vain and jealous. I was unappy with everything about myself and took out my frustration on God.
I eventually became a devil worshipper. I did things and thought things that I won't repeat here even under anonymity. (Nothing illegal, but it's not very appropriate and I am ashamed. Deeply, deeply ashamed.) Things started to improve. I was getting girlfriends, I started to look better, I was a lot more popular, and on and on. I ended up dating a girl I never thought I would even be able to talk to.
This is where things went sour. My personality became devilish. I was obsessed with limits. I pushed my girlfriend, family and friends to their limits just to see how much before they would snap. I thought it was fun to corrupt and manipulate others just to see if I could. I would entrap them just so I could tear them down.
Eventually my girlfriend left me and I started having terrible nightmares. They were vivid and always about me not escaping Satan and being condemned to hell. My failing relationships and dreams and being scared of my own self drove me back to Christianity. For the next few years it was a struggle. I kept bouncing between atheism, Christianity, and dabbling in the occult again. I eventually saw that my personal life was a mess and realized that I was a failure as a god and went crawling back to God for the final time.
Since then my life has been a disaster. It's been nearly a decade of uncanny misfortune, bad decisions, wrong turns, health and financial problems. It's quite amazing at how no matter what decision I make, no matter how well thought out and prayed over, comes back to bite me in some way.
My health is failing horribly and I find myself at a crossroads in life. My wife and son is one reason I am fighting, but the bad decisions, money problems, and past regrets keep me up all night. The stress has built up to a point that it physically hurts. I keep praying and begging God for mercy and the problems keep piling on.
I don't know if I want to fight anymore. All I have to do is refuse treatment and I will be terminal eventually.
This gets me to the point of being under judgement. I think God is putting me through some harsh penalty for the things I did. I attempted to mock Him. I threatened, scoffed, cursed and hated Him. I believe that I am forgiven. I believe it has all been swept away, but I get this incessant nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is my repayment for everything that I did. I deserve it for sure. Some of the side effects mirror almost exactly some of the judgements mentioned in the bible.
I need advice. I need prayer. I need an answer from God that He's listening. My faith is being battered and I feel completely panicked. So, if anyone has any advice or insight I am dying to hear it. I already get the usual talking points from family along with guilt tripped, so I am looking for something fresh I guess. I am placing my faith in the Lord, but it's growing dim. I have become terrified of the Will of God. I am shaken to my core and other than punishment I don't know why these things keep happening. (I didn't list everything. I also know why some things are happening. I have made poor decisions on impulse and accept full responsibility for those. I just don't know why the things that are completely out of my influence are happening.)
Sorry for the lengthy post. This has been building for a long time and I don't want to talk to anyone face to face. I want complete and total anonymity. Any errors that look weird I apologize for. I am on my tablet and the autocorrect has a mind of its own sometimes and I don't always catch it. Thanks for reading.
I was always a destructive and rebellious child. At the age of eight I became intensely interested in Jesus and became a Christian. The next few years I became a lot more docile and instead of being a terror I was a delight. By my teenage years I became excessively vain and jealous. I was unappy with everything about myself and took out my frustration on God.
I eventually became a devil worshipper. I did things and thought things that I won't repeat here even under anonymity. (Nothing illegal, but it's not very appropriate and I am ashamed. Deeply, deeply ashamed.) Things started to improve. I was getting girlfriends, I started to look better, I was a lot more popular, and on and on. I ended up dating a girl I never thought I would even be able to talk to.
This is where things went sour. My personality became devilish. I was obsessed with limits. I pushed my girlfriend, family and friends to their limits just to see how much before they would snap. I thought it was fun to corrupt and manipulate others just to see if I could. I would entrap them just so I could tear them down.
Eventually my girlfriend left me and I started having terrible nightmares. They were vivid and always about me not escaping Satan and being condemned to hell. My failing relationships and dreams and being scared of my own self drove me back to Christianity. For the next few years it was a struggle. I kept bouncing between atheism, Christianity, and dabbling in the occult again. I eventually saw that my personal life was a mess and realized that I was a failure as a god and went crawling back to God for the final time.
Since then my life has been a disaster. It's been nearly a decade of uncanny misfortune, bad decisions, wrong turns, health and financial problems. It's quite amazing at how no matter what decision I make, no matter how well thought out and prayed over, comes back to bite me in some way.
My health is failing horribly and I find myself at a crossroads in life. My wife and son is one reason I am fighting, but the bad decisions, money problems, and past regrets keep me up all night. The stress has built up to a point that it physically hurts. I keep praying and begging God for mercy and the problems keep piling on.
I don't know if I want to fight anymore. All I have to do is refuse treatment and I will be terminal eventually.
This gets me to the point of being under judgement. I think God is putting me through some harsh penalty for the things I did. I attempted to mock Him. I threatened, scoffed, cursed and hated Him. I believe that I am forgiven. I believe it has all been swept away, but I get this incessant nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this is my repayment for everything that I did. I deserve it for sure. Some of the side effects mirror almost exactly some of the judgements mentioned in the bible.
I need advice. I need prayer. I need an answer from God that He's listening. My faith is being battered and I feel completely panicked. So, if anyone has any advice or insight I am dying to hear it. I already get the usual talking points from family along with guilt tripped, so I am looking for something fresh I guess. I am placing my faith in the Lord, but it's growing dim. I have become terrified of the Will of God. I am shaken to my core and other than punishment I don't know why these things keep happening. (I didn't list everything. I also know why some things are happening. I have made poor decisions on impulse and accept full responsibility for those. I just don't know why the things that are completely out of my influence are happening.)
Sorry for the lengthy post. This has been building for a long time and I don't want to talk to anyone face to face. I want complete and total anonymity. Any errors that look weird I apologize for. I am on my tablet and the autocorrect has a mind of its own sometimes and I don't always catch it. Thanks for reading.