Marriage Frustrations

Hi, I am 39 and have been married for 18 years, together for 22. Things have been difficult financially for us for several years and recently my husband has been blaming me because I don't have a job. I don't not have a job because I don't want one, but because I've been unable to get one. It certainly doesn't help that we live in the middle of nowhere, about 15 miles from the closest town which happens to be quite small.

A little background: I opened a retail store in town in 2008 and I closed it last year. It never made a profit and was a constant burden, but I tried. Since I closed the store I have been unable to find work. I am a nightowl as well. This never bothered my husband until this last year. I am up at night and sleep in the mornings. It's not like I am not capable of keeping a so-called 'normal' (as my husband calls it) schedule, but as far as I can see it shouldn't matter. I always make morning appointments and the like. My husband is a handyman. Work is off and on, lately more on that off, and he works extremely hard, BUT making ends meet is a struggle every single month. I honestly have no idea how we are going to get through next month.

I am not a big spender. I don't go on shopping sprees. I do without a LOT of the time, and I never complain. I understand that times are tough. BUT, according to my husband our grocery bill is out of control because of me. Let me explain as I am sure no one has ever heard this before. My husband is not a 'sit down and eat kind of guy'. He eats on the run or whatever is quick and easy, frozen burritos, slapped together sandwiches, etc. I'm not much of a cook so it has always worked for us. But the past couple of months I've been making crockpot meals. They usually last two or three days. Well, just today my husband informed that he doesn't like the meals (they have been good), doesn't like all the money I spend on the ingredients, and doesn't like the fact that I'm using electricity to cook them. How should I have responded to that? My response, crying, was not a big hit. The thing is he's being absolutely unreasonable and ridiculous. The meals don't cost anymore than the 'junk' he wants to eat. For some reason he thinks if he buys 20 frozen burritos, eats them, and then buys more that is cheaper than making a pot roast that will last the same amount of time or maybe longer. Showing him the prices and breaking things down doesn't compute with him. Yes, electricity is used to cook the meals, but I mean,there has to be some sacrifices, right? And it's not like I'm using the stove. And I know the thing that hurt the most was that he said he didn't like the meals.

The other thing that is suffering is our sex life. It's not non-existent, but it's pretty shabby. Bad sex is worse than no sex and it seems the only kind of sex we have anymore is bad sex. The reasoning on his part is because he is tired from being the only breadwinner in the family. He does work extremely hard. There is no doubt about that, but is it to basically lose interest in sex because you're tired? He says if I were to help out financially then some of the burden will be off of him and he won't be so tired and would be more interested in sex. I do understand this, I know that sex can suffer because of stress, but why can't he understand I am not unemployed by choice? He's not a stupid man. I know that he can look around him and see that things are not ripe for employment where we live so why does he insist it is all my fault? I am suffering because I don't have a job in way more ways than lack of funds.

Thanks for letting me vent!

welcome to cc, I will be praying for you and your situations, God bless you

I am sorry for your situation. I know it is hard, but try to keep a positive outlook. Focus on the good things in your life. What does not working provide you with... quality time with your children, your family, time to do things you can't do when you are working, home improvement projects, bible studies, volunteer work, etc? Try also to be understanding where your husband is coming from. My husband would probably be behaving the same way or worse if I wasn't working. Keep your faith, God has a plan for you!

sister i'm so sorry about your store but you the one who make it Not the opposite
how dare your husband blame you to be unable to find a job while it's not your fault you should tell him at less im Unemployed but i will got a job but you can be Unemployed at the time you already have a job
you know that he is not really Upset about you being night owl
men they demand women to cook as a natural rule for women then *****ing about it
what the hell wrong with him ?
of course he did not think his
junk food cost money mor than home cook because he like it and again you know it is not about the "meals"
oh jesus... did you husband just say I were to help out financially then some of the burden will be off of him and he won't be so tired and would be more interested in sex
jerk.... he should thank you to keep sleeping with him man can not put enough food at the table
im sorry to say that but that the truth sister
and you should play the same card the men play against us "the natural rule"
he do a lame job as a Supporter most men do it by thier own and having sex at the same time and he is not do enough in the both matters as a man
the man follow the money not the opposite
did he call working as a handworker middle of nowhere a job ?
are you kidding me ?
let me say this even if you do not like it
he is abusing you mentally
as you said he is not stupid
he know the facts you did not choose to lose your income or be unemployed
he choose Ignoring the facts
turn the table on him for the sake of your mental health

I really and truly was just venting and everything you said is true. In the end we will be fine and stronger for it. We always are. We don't have children, but I am definitely focusing on other things. Things I could never do when I was working. And I do understand where he's coming from. I think that's the problem. I completely understand his point of view. That's why I get so upset and frustrated when he can't see reason or even try to understand how I feel about the whole unemployment situation. I'm going to let him continue to eat his 'junk', but he is going to simply have to deal with the fact that ';m going to keep using the crockpot to make simple meals. Even if I am the only one to eat them. As far as our sex life, I am not sure things will change until he doesn't have to work so hard. I do understand how he feels and I've made my needs quite clear. He's going to have to fix it himself. I know that being exhausted sn not conducive to a rolicking sex life. Here's hoping I can get a job soon! I love the man, but he is just so frustrating!

Just remember, stress makes a person do and say things they may not normally. I'm sure deep down he knows and understands you are trying to work, but the stress is pressing him to speak inappropriately. And yes, it could be having this effect on his sex drive. Feeling that he's working as hard as he is, and still barely able to support his family may be a dash against his manhood, making him feel less likely to want to have sex as well.
As far as the food, is there someone who he respects that agrees with your take on the cost? Maybe you can have this person sit down with him and go over the details.

I do understand that stress can effect almost all aspects of a person's life. I know this is the case with my husband, but understanding that and living with that are often two separate things. I also know that our whole financial situation has certainly made him feel a 'dash against his manhood'. He works very hard and we still struggle financially. The hardest thing for me is when he gets ugly and mean. I KNOW where these attitudes are coming from, but knowing and dealing with the words are two entirely different things. I know, patience, patience, patience!

It's interesting that you mentioned asking someone he respected who agress with me to explain to him about the meals and costs. I was discussing this exact thing with my best girlfriend last night. The thing is there really is no one and it would just excaberate the situation if he knew that I had approached someone about the issue. Honestly, I don't think there is any convincing him. I've tried for years to make him realize that our food intake effects us in many ways (I am sure his diet is not conducive to 'putting him in the mood' as well) and we have to be more aware of what we are eating as we get older. He refuses to see this. Absolutely refuses. All he sees is that he works hard and is thin and that's that. He has no concept of metabolism at all! His is sky high. Oh, well, what it comes down to is that he is going to continue to eat what he wants and I am going to have to convince him that even if I am using electricity I am still going to make other meals. He'll either accept it or not, but this is something he won't be able to change.

Thanks so much for your reply!