conflict

Hi, i just signed up to this. I grew up in a christian home, and have been a christian for a long time - was probably the most motivated person alive to see God physically heal people. I read pretty much every book i could get my hands on. I was adopted at 9 months old, and the parents i went to got diverced when i was 6. Long story short, two years ago my adopted dad died of cancer, and when it was all happening i finally connected with the emotion of being beaten by my adoptive mother. I thought it happened once, but it was a lot more than that. i saw a psychologist and have realised so much since then, but the conflict i have is that it feels like it's completely undermined everything i thought i knew about God. All i can see looking back is that fear has motivated me for more than 20 years. i know logically that that does not mean its all been pointless, but i just dont feel like i have any reference point for anything. what i used to consider spiritual attack now seems as simple as my own fears. a relationship with God is meant to be about freedom and love, which is what i want, but all i can see is how screwed up its all been. you would think that would be a really positive first step, but there doesnt seem to be any way forward, and i just have so many questions and very few answers. added to that, i really want God to be real and to know his love, but i just cant seem to hear anything. i dont think i've ever felt so much conflict inside. part of me knows hes real and another part thinks all of the past is summed up by abuse and its affects.

The Lord's peace be with you. I completely understand how and what you're going thru . I , myself battle with such conflicts too. This is a spiritual warfare and sometimes it feels so unfair, that we have to carry this along with our physical demands. All I know that I may never be able to trace and understand God's plan but I always remind myself that His heart is good . My hope lies on that. My fear is that, I pray I will never loose that Hope.

I pray for you and I . That the Lord will show his care and kindness evidently to us. And that he keeps his promise of grace to us. Amen

Welcome ernest to cc.
Do not be discouraged, as I and many here have in Jesus, overcome the past abuses and have not just found peace and forgivness,
but great joy and freedom from the past.
I hope I can share and witness to this in Jesus as you spend more time here.
But know this, Jesus will trully bring peace and healing to you, if you are willing to recieve it.
I know you are uncertain, even sometimes wondering if it can ever be real or true?
But Jesus will trully bring you this peace, just let Him bring His work in you to compleation.
You are in my prayers in Jesus, to know the greatness of salvation, the peace of His rest, and the delight of His perfect love for you.

God bless
pickles

It sounds like you are at war with your faith. Do you know that the battle has already been won? He is very real. I have had so much spiritual stuff happen in my life that I will never doubt that he is real. When you come to really truly know him as your savior and you seek him with every fiber of your being you are found by him. He picks you up and he changes you. You need to say every time fear pops its ugly head up "I release this fear to you Jesus" and believe it. Keep seeking him and you will finally know what your purpose is for being alive. You will find out exactly who God made you to be. He is the most beautiful real of my life.

hi and thanks for the encouragements. The apostle Paul must have felt the same way after devoting his life to what he thought was the right path until the Damascus road episode. Its comforting to know he didnt minister for more than 15 years(Galatians 2:1) after his turning point - he needed to start from scratch. i understand that emotions which have genuinely been buried for more than 20 years dont just go away in the twinkling of an eye, but man, never thought i'd be in a place like this.

Sorry to hear about your pain and difficulty reconnecting with God

I wonder if part of this is due to the mental associations you have with your Christian beliefs and how they're tied to your childhood.

I've had some over-bearing Christian women in my life who just want to be friends if I follow their agenda and do what they say. We're all attending the same legalistic church. I find myself sometimes not opening the Bible because it makes me think of them and negative experiences. Kind of weird I know, but the human brain does weird things sometimes.

I've gotten better as I've practiced disassociating them from my own personal relationship with Christ. It takes practice and praying to the Spirit to lead us into that most special relationship.

Praying for you, brother...for healing and reconnecting

Thanks Lucy,
i couldnt agree more about associations. I always had an instant feeling of fear anytime anyone mentioned the second coming of Jesus, but i never knew why. when the abuse issues finally surfaced i knew why - the bible says you wont know when he's coming, and when he does you need to be ready, and if you're not it'll be too late(parable of the 10 virgins) - it just happens that that describes the abuse scenario perfectly - i never knew when it would come, i was never ready, and it was always too late! so the helpful brain makes a strong link between Jesus coming back, which is meant to be a good thing, and something that is anything but good. Good to see through it now, but yes, the brain does some weird things........

Ernest,

My heart goes out to you...
Both my parents abused me and my siblings.
Like Pickles said; Our Heavenly Father can bring healing to your heart.
Our earthly parents are only know what they have been taught.
I forgive my parents... because I have learned that their parents abused them too.
I thank God for giving me love and insight on how to raise my children.
Prayers in the Love of Jesus sent for you!