Coping.

ForthAngel · Sep 17, 2012

Hey everyone. First of all, I wanna let everyone know how selfish I feel asking for prayer on here. I dunno why it bugs me. I think it's because so many other people got stuff going on and since i don't pray for all of them, I shouldn't be asking. With that being said, I will explain what's going on. I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't think there is anything anyone can do. I thought I hit a turning point, but I'm falling back down really fast.

I dunno how other people are able to handle things. There's a lot of people who have it worse than me that seem to find ways to cope, or ignore what's happened/happening to them and still follow the righteous path. I'm apparently not that strong. In the eyes of others my life hasn't been that bad, but from the inside looking out it seems a lot different to me.

Plagued by graphic nightmares as a kid that kept me scared of my own shadow for years. This doesn't seem like much of a problem for people who don't go through them, especially on a regular basis as a kid. My parents fought a lot my whole life, and while not always physical, it was enough to screw me up. I lost a lot of sleep and didn't manage well at school. I had trouble making friends that were of any quality. I think I have always been depressed and no one has ever noticed, or they shrugged it off and said I would get over it.

I made a lot of bad choices starting as a teenager. Drugs were one way to feel good about myself and have the confidence I needed to survive. So I stayed self-medicated constantly, all the while never realizing that when I finally stop, the depression is going to come back and my confidence is going to plummet. This last mistake was the worst by far and my depression has escalated to a severe extreme.

Lately it's been different, and I dunno what to do. I get these waves of depression, paranoia, and detachment, that completely sever me from reality. My body get's heavy, my mind slows down, and I feel like I'm dreaming. When I detach I get something called solipsis syndrome. At least that's what it seems like to me. I feel like I am the only person who exists and reality is just a fabrication of my brain somehow. My psychiatrist called it depersonalization.

My OCD has spiraled out of control and I can't keep my thoughts under control. The stuff that's surfacing is so graphic and wrong that it makes me hate myself that much more. The thoughts can't be coming from me because I'm not that kind of person. But my subconscious brings these things to mind and makes me doubt what kind of person I really am. Can this really be who I am?

I've seen a lot of doctors and none of them will prescribe me any medication that will help. They are like we think you have this and this and this so take this and this and this. Well they won't listen to me when I tell them that's not what I need. I know what I need if they will just listen to me. A mood elevator and anti-psychotic isn't cutting it. I need a combination of the right antidepressants and anxiety medicine. NARCOTIC anxiety medication.

Yes I have a history of drug abuse, but that's not why I want the meds. I just want to be better! And since I can't rely on doctors to give me what I need, I am depending on God to help. but I messed up too many times, and I don't think he is going to. I don't blame him really, but something has to give one way or another really soon before I completely lose touch. I can't stand this shit anymore.

oracle2world · Sep 17, 2012

It is okay to ask. I pray for you.

wwjd_kilden · Sep 17, 2012

I will pray. I would be careful assuming to know more about what combination of meds is needed than those educated in it though.

I know different things work differently on different people, so giving any advice to combat bad dreams is kind of difficult.
physical factors can make nightmars worse though:

Don't eat large meals shortly before bed
Don't drink coffee, tea or soda shortly before bed
Try to end the day with something relaxing (bathing/ shower? music? reading? whatever calms you down)

simplyme_bekah · Sep 17, 2012

forthangel that you are here reaching out shows that God has his hand on you. You didn't find this website by accident you know. Do you know that when you give someone the opportunity to pray for you that they get a blessing back for lifting another up in prayer? It is true and beautiful. God talks all through the bible about forgiving people such as you and loving them unconditionally. Do you know that God already knows your every single sin in your lifetime and that he forgives you for every single one of them and he still continues to love you more then you can even begin to imagine. There is always Hope and Peace and Love for one such as you.
I know what you mean when you say you have thoughts that make you hate yourself. I call him the devil except I do not hate myself I just hate him. When you have those thoughts what you need to say actually two things one: I rebuke you devil in the name of Jesus and two: I claim the peace of Jesus on Jesus name. Remember those okay? Its really important. God loves you and is there to help you. Just start talking to him when you get into difficult situations that overwealm you. I will lift you up in prayer my friend. Be at peace. If only God loves you in this life time it is enough. The closer you get to him it stops mattering because the King of the universe starts to show you the love he has for you to more you seek him and it sustains you. I do not have one friend where I live. But you know what I have our Gods friendship so that is enough for me until he brings the right kind of people into my life. Have Faith. Have Hope. Our God is with you.

OFM · Sep 17, 2012

i will pray special for you and bless you do not ever bee afraid to ask for prayer.we will not judge you here for that or judge the prayer request.be blessed right now and forever allways amen allways amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.............

wwjd_kilden · Sep 17, 2012

Proverbs 3

13 Blessed is the one who finds wisdom,
and the one who gets understanding,
14 for the gain from her is better than gain from silver
and her profit better than gold.
15 She is more precious than jewels,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
16 Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
17 Her ways are ways of pleasantness,
and all her paths are peace.
18 She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her;
those who hold her fast are called blessed.

19 The Lord by wisdom founded the earth;
by understanding he established the heavens;
20 by his knowledge the deeps broke open,
and the clouds drop down the dew.

21 My son, do not lose sight of these—
keep sound wisdom and discretion,
22 and they will be life for your soul
and adornment for your neck.
23 Then you will walk on your way securely,
and your foot will not stumble.
24 If you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
25 Do not be afraid of sudden terror
or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,
26 for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught.

flight316 · Sep 17, 2012

ForthAngel, I pray that the Holy Fatther will deliver you from all of these things that you suffer from. Stay active, do some physical activity. An idle mind is the devils playground.

ForthAngel · Sep 17, 2012

wwjd_kilden said:

Proverbs 3

13 Blessed is the one who finds wisdom,
and the one who gets understanding,
14 for the gain from her is better than gain from silver
and her profit better than gold.
15 She is more precious than jewels,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
16 Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
17 Her ways are ways of pleasantness,
and all her paths are peace.
18 She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her;
those who hold her fast are called blessed.

19 The Lord by wisdom founded the earth;
by understanding he established the heavens;
20 by his knowledge the deeps broke open,
and the clouds drop down the dew.

21 My son, do not lose sight of these—
keep sound wisdom and discretion,
22 and they will be life for your soul
and adornment for your neck.
23 Then you will walk on your way securely,
and your foot will not stumble.
24 If you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
25 Do not be afraid of sudden terror
or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,
26 for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught.

Funny you should post this. Last thing I was reading was proverbs a few days ago and I remember this. Thanks everyone. Sorry to be whiny. I am just not doing very well and am having trouble finding any reason for hope.

GodssSon · Sep 17, 2012

I'm praying for your ForthAngel! I just want to encourage you not to give up! I've been through similar things...with the exception of the nightmares. I've went through drugs/drinking/medication for all my problems. I won't go all into it, but the short version -- only God helped with what I was going through. And God wants to help you and everyone else with any problems. And the great thing is, that your problem, or anyone's problem isn't too big or small for God. You are the righteousness of God like all his children! The thing I've learned (and still am learning) is to rely on God and not my own strength. Like Jesus said in John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing". So when we remain in Jesus, we can do all things! (Philippians 4:13). It's a daily exercise that we have to do to live a life God wants and the devil loves to put lies about who you are and different things in your head. He lies, and so we have to renew our minds and know what God says about us in his word so we are ready for when he attacks us. He goes around seeking whom he may devour. (1 Peter 5:8). He can't devour everyone. Only those who let him. Don't let all those thoughts you have contradict what the word of God says about you and everything. It's times when I am not reading the bible and focusing on every other problem in life when I feel the furthest from God and the truth. So let God's word dominate your mind and magnify him. Change your thought process on only thinking of what God says and you will be set free. It's never too late with God and he still has a plan for your life!

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" 2 Timothy 1:7

shekaniah · Sep 17, 2012

Never feel bad asking for prayer!
That is what we are suppose to do.

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

preachersaul · Sep 17, 2012

You aren't being whiny dude, this is Christ's family and we live and breathe as one.

How are you getting on with the Lord? As in your one to one relationship with Him? Pm if you'd rather, I know its personal butI want to help. It just seems to me like you are constantly under siege. I know the Lord can and will help you .

How's that prayer working btw?
Praying for you bro
Dan

wwjd_kilden · Sep 18, 2012

like he ^said, you are not being whiny. Asking for help is good

pickles · Sep 18, 2012

I dont know what Id do if I couldnt pray, so your asking for prayer is helping me.

One of my fave scriptures when Im lost in what to do.
I have fought the hard battle, I have run the race, I have kept the faith!
Just keep the faith forthAngel, Jesus takes care of the rest.

You remain in my daily prayers in Jesus.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

psychomom · Sep 18, 2012

Beloved...we love you. We just love you, as a person, and because we are one Body, and how can we not love part of ourselves?
Now--that may not make sense to you, because you are no stranger to self-hatred. My guess is you learned this as a child.
And when you say your childhood wasn't that bad---well, I think you are wrong. I realize that on the outside there are people who have suffered terribly,
all sorts of suffering. But when a sensitive child like you is subjected to what went on in your house, it's torturous. So first, I ask that you see that, so you can begin to stop beating yourself up over it, and over asking for help, which I think you probably also hate to do. Don't ask for help; don't get in the way; don't rock the boat! These are the lessons of your childhood.
A different kind of child may have done better, perhaps someone less introspective and sensitive, but you are not that person...so it had this effect. Have you always been a loner? (I know that's a leap--I don't know you, but I'm surmising you are a loner.)
The way you lived as a child has taught you to fear. Life is not safe. I never know what to expect. Learn to read the cues from mom and dad so I suffer less. Test the emotional waters as I enter a room. Make myself scarce. Something bad is coming---it's inevitable. These thoughts made their way into even your dreams.

These are the things you must now allow the Lord to un-teach you, beloved. What you describe---the dissociative disorder, these were your ways of coping, my love. They were the ways you learned as a child, with no other ideas, to cope with the externals of life which then created the internal pressures in your own mind. Then, as you got older, you self-medicated to try to make the pain go away, or to have some time when you didn't have to think. Your own mind had become your worst enemy.
I think the OCD is also an attempt to control what had (has) spun out of control. Not just the externals anymore, your own thoughts betray you, and so you feel you must have some control over things. (I have three children who have dealt with OCD, to my sadness. I used to say "to my shame", as I felt I let them down as their mommy, but you know---the Lord is showing me that this is not just bad for me, to look back, it's sin. But that is my lesson for now, and I don't think the Lord expected me to think this way 20, 10, or even 5 years ago. He laid a groundwork first, just loving me and teaching me about Himself, because He is so merciful.♥ )

Sweetheart, I understand you don't want to feel this way. Who would? And most certainly the Lord does not want this for you. I used to feel as though I was superimposed on the world, which I guess is the opposite of what you feel.
But here's the thing. We have to fully submit ourselves to God. Complete submission. We are not our own; we have been bought by Him, and we no longer belong to ourselves. We have willingly put our ears to the door and allowed the awl to go through to permanently mark us as willing slaves forever. (Deut. 15:17)
But, our Master is kind! and loving! And whatever troubles we had, have, or which may be to come, He wants to take us through them, and correct what we learn(ed) that is not true. You learned that the world is a fearsome place, and that you have only yourself to rely on. He wants you to know that since you are His, and He is with you, you needn't be afraid. And to learn that He IS with you, and always will be.

And that to rely on yourself for anything is foolish, and He is the ultimate in reliability. How can He go to the extreme of making such a sacrifice to restore us to Him, and then not take care of every little detail of absolutely everything else?

I understand, honey. You are perhaps afraid to trust your Abba. Your earthly parents were not too trustworthy, and so now you must unlearn distrust, and believe in Him---have faith. (which sounds easy. it isn't easy, but it is simple.

)
We forget about what is past, and we receive love and forgiveness (just as we give it) , and grace upon grace, and we allow Him to renew our minds. We press on.
I do not mean to say this will happen overnight, my dear. (although the Lord may choose to do it that way) It's a process for most of us. It's a difficult one, too, at times. We must cling to what we know is true--to Him. We learn as much about Him as we can, through the Word, and teachings of it, and time spent just being with Him. We reject what we know to be lies, even if we do not feel it. (that's been me--not feeling, but knowing the truth, and standing on it, sometimes in tears)

Precious child, please forgive me if I offend or hurt you! (please?)
I'm not at all saying you don't need medical intervention while the Process is ongoing. (I think of when Jesus said He is The Way. He is the way to the Father and into the Kingdom, but I also think of Him as my process through life.) I think when you say "narcotic" anxiety meds, strictly pharmacologically speaking, you mean "controlled" meds. Like benzodiazapines? I throw that out there in case the docs don't realize you're not asking for narcotics. Not that benzos are any easier to get off. In some ways, they're worse! Insidious, yet sometimes helpful. (odd juxtaposition!) It could be they don't want you to mask that pain again, but rather to work through it? Not saying they're right, beloved, just a "from their point of view" possibility.
Also, you may already know this, but the mood-elevator/anti-psychotic combo is very personal. They not only take weeks to reach theraputic levels, but the ones you're on might not be the best ones for your neuro-chemistry, or the ones you're on might need to be bumped. Changes often have to be made, and it can be excruciatingly s-l-o-w. Telling you to be patient while these things get worked out is a terrible thing to do...so I'll let your docs do that. (

) But do feel free to let them know if it's been 4-6 weeks and you feel no better! Their job is to work with it till it works.
Do you see a therapist? A Christian counsellor of some kind? Maybve you've been through this sort of thing...but it may be worth another try. Ultimately, ideally, it can take the place of meds, and then dropped when you're ready.
Of course, all should be prayed about; seek God's will for everything.

We've said a lot. I, alone, have said a lot! (I hope not too much!) And you will hear what you can, and that's okay if you can't hear it all right now.
The important is Jesus. You and Jesus. The Father's love is very different from any human love. It's perfect. It's immutable. It's ever-available to us.
He would like to make these facts the reality of your heart.
Please, please, disregard anything to everything I have said, as you see fit. I always pray that what is from Him will be remembered, and the rest put where it belongs---circular file.

The Lord will make a way. I understand there seems to be no way right now, but He's absolutely great at creating ways. I wonder how surprised we'd be to see a sea part to make a way for us? That was nothing for Him to do, ForthAngel. Surrender to Him, and He can do anything for you. He wants to care for you. He does care for you!
I do, too.
love,
ellie

ForthAngel · Sep 18, 2012

psychomom said:

Have you always been a loner? (I know that's a leap--I don't know you, but I'm surmising you are a loner.)

Yes. My relationships have always been parasitic. Me being the parasite. This even became true with my own family, not just friends.

The way you lived as a child has taught you to fear. Life is not safe. I never know what to expect. Learn to read the cues from mom and dad so I suffer less. Test the emotional waters as I enter a room. Make myself scarce. Something bad is coming---it's inevitable. These thoughts made their way into even your dreams.

I've never had anyone explain it like this, but it's pretty close. I'm not saying mom and dad were bad parents. They were great parents. They just fought a lot. Money was always an issue. And they were young. A lot of the arguments were over me specifically. I learned to "tip-toe" around, never fully being able to express myself, especially as a preteen and young teenager, for fear of being scorned or starting an argument between them. As far as life, it was just something I had to survive. Survival is easy when you learn to manipulate people and take what you need. All I needed was just enough to keep going, and I didn't take too much because I didn't like hurting people. As I got older I started rejecting everyone and rebelling. I just made things that much harder on my parents.

Your own mind had become your worst enemy.

Yes. I've always called my mind a prison. I'm dominated by my own thoughts and get lost in torrents of confusion when I let it go to far, which is mostly unavoidable. i polluted my mind over the years with strange theologies and graphic external images and experiences. And once it's there, there is no erasing it. :/

I think the OCD is also an attempt to control what had (has) spun out of control. Not just the externals anymore, your own thoughts betray you

I can't really explain my OCD. My dad had it and his obsessions and thoughts were always about the safety of the family. Mine differ in that they are predominantly religious in nature. Not all of them though. Some are other things, which can be even more disturbing. I got a prayer I have to repeat in my head over and over til it stops. Or I count, usually 3,4,5,6,7, over and over til it stops. It causes a lot of anxiety and I get anxiety attacks. I hate being able to feel my heart tighten up like it does and every beat like I can feel the blood pulsing through my neck. It scares me and just makes the anxiety that much worse. I dunno if it's some sort of longing to be in control or not though. The thoughts defy anything I believe, or want to believe in. Like if I am reading my bible, especially the gospels, thoughts always start popping up contradicting what I'm reading. I believe this to be demonic attack, but scientifically, it could just be because of the pollution I've filled my head with.. Who knows right.

We press on.

Absolutely. i don't have any other choice.

I think when you say "narcotic" anxiety meds, strictly pharmacologically speaking, you mean "controlled" meds. Like benzodiazapines? Their job is to work with it till it works.
Do you see a therapist? A Christian counsellor of some kind? Maybve you've been through this sort of thing...but it may be worth another try

Yes, I mean controlled medication. They give me these placebo-like and non-narcotic meds that are completely worthless. The reason I have problems with the medication they prescribe is because I'm not an idiot. They are experimenting with drugs when I -already know- what helps due to my own experiments with myself. They don't listen to me when I talk, they interrupt me when I try telling them what's going on with me, then the session ends and they write random prescriptions foe different things that I already know don't help. I haven't seen a doctor in a while now though, because they never helped. They always just rushed through he sessions without really listening and then here try this, try this, try this, if that doesn't work we'll try this. I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HELPS! I have tried this crap for an extended amount of time and it did absolutely nothing for me. Right now, I can't afford a really good counselor. I don't qualify for any aid, and I can't keep a job long enough to get insurance, which is a direct result of my mental problems to begin with so I'm basically screwed as far as that goes.

We've said a lot. I, alone, have said a lot! (I hope not too much!)

You haven't said too much. I'm not ashamed of my problems. Somewhere out there someone else is going through the same thing, and many got it a lot worse. I appreciate everyone here.

The Lord will make a way.

I have faith in this. It's the only thing I have left to keep me going. Without it I'm lost.

Thanks Ellie, and thanks everyone else.

GreenNnice · Sep 18, 2012

4th, a couple verses for you, sorry about what you're going through. Good news is, as long as you stay submitted to His leading, He is there

James 4:7
Hebrews 13:5

Stay with Him, I Love ya, and, I pray the power of His might to be over you NOW in the name of Jesus, plowing the things of this wordly pleasure that have got a hold on you.

Short story: at bible study, my teacher said he had a spirit of suicide in him for many years and my teacher said he would be sleeping nights and this demon would be heard opening his door, coming over to. his. Bed. Oand presence felt and then leave .
My teacher heard of how if you believe in Christ then you have authority over demons so he followed Scripture and asked demon if demon believed Jesus lived. Demon did not answer I believe is how teacher said it and so he rebuked that demon's presence In The Name Of Jesus, and cast him out of his life . My teacher said the demon fleee and has never returned. The power of God is great , 4th , 'great' beyond man's mind of understanding.g, I pray for His Spirit to shroud you with His Love. Your diagnosed illness is nothing God can't provide. Complete delivery. I surrender All C.C. Winans helped my tears flowing change my life to one to Him freely gived in 1997

damombomb · Sep 18, 2012

Acts 19:2 Have you recieved the holy Ghost since you believed?

ForthAngel · Sep 19, 2012

I was baptized in the name of Jesus when I was 13 when I first decided to follow Him. I fell away at 16 until not long ago. I know I believed then, and I never stopped believing, but near the end I started having a lot of doubts, I just didn't repent or stop sinning until not long ago. It was torture as far as guilt and emotional anguish goes, so I believe that may have been my calls back that I ignored. Now that He finally has my attention and has broken the old me, I plan on getting baptized again. I think I have the Holy Spirit in me though, and the baptism, for me, will just be a sign of faith to Jesus and those who witness it, that I understand now what exactly it is I am doing and am willing to submit completely to God's will. There is, and will be no going back this time. It would be at my own peril and I will not do it. I refuse.

christianbound · Sep 19, 2012

I am in tears reading all of this. You know through our chats that I have similar past issues with drugs and such. I have done horrible things that I carry around with me everyday. Even after being baptized, I feel no relief from my past mistakes. They haunt me and control my life. My thoughts are sometimes evil and I know that the things I think I would NEVER do. I want to have stronger faith and relationship with God. I believe in him, I love him, I fear him, and I worship him. But I still don't feel him most of the time. On rare occasions, listening to music, I do. I feel something holding me back. These last 5 or 6 weeks for me has been one horror after another. Marriage with cheating husband, death, sadness, and my own mistakes. I wonder if the devil is trying to keep me. And I am trying to pull away. And I in tears beg for help. Thank you for posting this. Thank you for everyone who replied to his post. It gives me a little more to hope on.

ForthAngel · Sep 19, 2012

christianbound said:

I used to want "an experience" too Cb. Problem is, I had them all my life, and still didn't recognize it for what it was. I won't be able to relate any of them to you because of disbelief from people on here, but I had some stuff happen countless times while I prayed, even when I was farthest from God. It's hard to tell the difference between your own human emotion causing the feelings or experience so you have to be careful that you don't let an emotional experience discourage you from seeking God always. Music has a knack for manipulating emotions in a profound way that causes an emotional experience. That's not to tell you that it wasn't from God though.

It makes me think of Jesus talking to the pharisees, when he said and evil and adulterous generation will ask for a sign, but no sign will be given to them. I think back to some of my experiences and even though some of them were quite blatantly spiritual, I failed to recognize them as such. It's not that I couldn't, it's that I refused to. I always tried to explain them off as something else. It makes me realize how little faith we as humans have. If we were living in the time of Jesus and saw him performing miracles, would we believe it, or try and say it was some kind of magic trick?

There is one miracle, I think, that none of us today can deny once it happens to us. It happens after we are saved, and it may take a while for some of us. It obviously did for me. But it is the realist experience you will ever have and it is undeniably from God. There will come a time, with a lot of effort from ourselves, where the shades will finally be lifted from your eyes. And as the saying goes, the Truth will literally set you free. A major weight is lifted from your very soul, as if it has been chained and God has finally unlocked the bindings for you.

You know when it happens and you feel this incredible relief within yourself. Now, depression, life problems, and other things may remain, but something surfaces on the inside, and you know everything is going to be okay because this life is just temporary and there is nothing here that can distract you from what you were called to be, which is an adopted child of God.

Just keep reading your bible and searching for answers. pray CONSTANTLY, and never give up. Even if you get mad at God, understand that it all happens for a reason. It may be something you will learn from later. It may just be an attack from the fallen. It may be a result of your own mistakes. You have to try and recognize what it is, so you can learn from it. You more you try to learn from your mistakes and change your behavior, and the more you pray and try to seek God, the more He will reveal to you.

I think you're going to be okay and you will be in my prayers.

Coping.

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