Death and grieving... does it ever end?

Grief sucks, but grieving the death of someone who nearly completely sabotaged my whole life, is even harder. I was surfing facebook today and came across my dad's page. He died last June and no one has taken down his page. It's all so complicated. He disowned in January, but I flew to his bedside the moment I found out he was in the hospital. I sat there and prayed, pronounced forgiveness, and offered him the throne of grace as God directed me to. I sang over him as he breathed his last breaths. I planned his funeral, made the medical decisions, held my family together, am still trying to help my siblings get along... but alas, my own grieve has caught up with me. I miss the daddy I never had, or that I'm not sure I had. He was so perverted that I the few food memories I can recall, I remember with an eerie since of wondering. I can't trust that his motives were pure in almost any of the good things he did for me. In some ways I guess I long for the naivete I once knew. But I also grieve that the last words I heard from him were that I had just killed him and he wanted nothing to do with me. I grieve that he can't ever say yes to Jesus. I grieve that he will never ever be better than he was, that he will never be proud of me, never appreciate what I do or the talents that I have. I grieve that after all that was done to me, I was the only one willing to stick with him during his most trying times. Everyone else left the room. No one could handle it. And even in his last days, I grieve that he lived such a life that I was the only one there to try and get my family to take their bickering over him outside the hospital room. I grieve that I am the only of my 8 siblings that is not listed on his facebook, that he wrote me out of his life, and that he ceased to see me as any part of his family. I am grateful however that the Lord enabled me to be there for him despite me being the least likely to even want to be there. I am grateful that the Lord gave me the words to speak, and that though my dad couldn't speak, I'm sure my presence was a powerful testimony to His work in my life. How do you grieve the death of a father who was never really a father, or a man that was more monster than man? Grieving feels like denial of the abuse he put me through.

Jordache, I could never even imagine what you went through but if you'll just believe for one second that your dad understands you and how you are feeling right now and is sorry for all the pain that he caused you then you might have some beginnings of peace and I know it is not biblically sound to believe that those close to us who've passed on might still be around us and aware of us but I've heard many accounts of just that sort of thing. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but I want to put it out there in case you might think its worth something. I will certainly pray for you and ask the Lord to lift this heavy load off your heart. God bless you and please try not to think that all is lost with your dad because there may still be a chance that he hears you. Anything is possible with God. God bless.

Gabe

Jordache is a sweet angel who has been through so very much that it's amazing how sweet she is after all that. I'm sure there are real internal struggles and conflict from all of that but she's that rare sweet person.

I recently had to go through the death of my mother and I had to take care of her when no one else could handle watching it as well. It was the hardest thing I ever went through but the circumstances weren't as bad as what you describe. I've prayed for you and your father's soul. At least you know that you have the heart and the compassion. You did right, probably better than anyone else in your Family by the sounds of it. Keep your head up sister.

Jordache, it makes me sad to know that such pain, betrayal and suffering exists. To know that so many children are hurt by the ones who are supposed to protect them grieves me to no end. I can not imagine the hurt you've endured but I can relate to you as a son who has been rejected by his father. He also disowned my sister at times in her life, and I've seen and felt the pain it causes first hand. Not that I enjoy pain but I wish I felt something for the man. My heart is cold to him. My sister keeps going back. There is something to be said about a daughters love and I feel especially blessed to have two. Please find comfort in knowing some people are just damaged. There is nothing you could have said or done to have been accepted. You already did more than God could ask and more than a father could expect. Please take my word for it as a father. As I read your posts and feel the love you have for people, and see the convictions you have as a child of God any father would be bragging, "That's my girl!". It sincerely pains me to know that you never received that from your earthly father because it is so rightly deserved. Although you were cheated out of your childhood, don't allow it to seize you any further. You are special, and a gift. Do not settle for anything less than the best because you are worthy. May God bless you abundantly like never before so you can feel the benefits of a daughter so deeply cherished. You are loved.

Thanks Hungry. It's complicated. It really is... I feel in some ways that my whole life, at least the parts involving him was a lie. And I'm just trying to figure out what to believe. I'm at war with myself. I recall very few fond memories of him, but I now question if those really should be fond since I really fear his motives. I was so deceived as a child into thinking that he was just what he was supposed to be. I was deceived into trusting the front he put on, buying his manipulations, and believing his every word. But now I struggle when I look back on certain memories. I want to believe they were good, but it scares me to trust that they are good for fear of trusting their goodness by way of naïveté and denial again. My parents primed me to deny and believe they were good parents. Part of the issue really is my own black and white thinking. How can a man who vows to teach his daughters about sex by way of demonstration starting in toddlerhood have any redeemable ounce in him? Is it possible? I know Jesus would redeem him if given half a chance to. But I just can't see it. I'm afraid to miss the "good" things for fear that I'll wake up one day and realize they really weren't good.
I didn't grown up "knowing" what my father had done to me. I was 16 and far from ever even considering her could abuse children when I realized Id been having reoccurring nightmares which oddly explained fears I had but never understood. I had other dreams that I asked my mom about without her knowing what my inquiry was regarding. She confirmed that the setting of my dream was my room when I was a yr old. Later in life my mom developed some pictures no one had ever seen and one showed the very room in my dream. I began realizing things that I did as a child which really only made sense in light if abuse. I piece together ways I would hurt myself repeatedly when I was 3, and the very specific abuse my father was caught doing I my older sister. I began seeing the strange ways he treated me. I began seeing myself crying and hiding in his bedroom closet. And suddenly the puzzle came together... And got clearer and clearer. Later in life my mother actually told me she'd caught my dad with my sister. Then she told me of his arrests. And my life became traumatically clear. All that I had believed was a lie, so now I'm not sure whether to believe their was good because discovering the truth of what I thought was good has been so painful and confusing.

Jordache, you will be healed of your grief. Claim it! Believe it. Give it to God now. You did your part as a Child of God. Your real Father loves you regardless. You are His Princess because your real Father is the King of Kings!

Jordache,
the greiving part does become less, but I do sometimes greive, not for my dad, but like you spoke to, the dad that never was.
Often what will trigger it is seeing a dad that loves his children, setting his needs aside for them, protecting them. Sometimes just seeing the love my husband has for our children will cause me to greive.
Mostly because I so wonder what it would be like to have had that kind of love from my dad, wondering who I might have become if I had the healthy love of a father.
The healing for me has come though God Our Father, I struggled for a while, afraid of God Our Father because I was afraid that the cost of turning to Him would be the pain and loss of self that my earthly father demanded.
But God Our Father's love is greater than any injury or fear, for as I was drawn in Jesus's love, God Our Father drew me in His love as well.
Scripture says that God Our Father is Father to the fatherless.
Jordache, I want to witness to you that this scripture is more true than one can hope for.
God will fill that loss of what never was, and bring to you the comfort, help, protection, delight and love of the perfect Father.
He has in my life, and I know He will in yours.
Just be willing to recieve this perfect love in faith, you will know when it is asked.
So yes, the greiving does gently leave one, and even more gently, God Our Father will fill and heal the places that were damaged, and glorify, fill and delight you with His love.
You remain always in my prayers in Jesus.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

One of the dangers of extreme grief is that it can redirect as unforgiveness against people with the grieving person often not even aware of it. They can stay stuck in this state for weeks, months, or even years until God finally has to intervene in some way to make them aware of it. I know this sounds strange but it's documented. The reason for this has to do with the highly sensitized emotional state of the one experiencing so much grief. I've been through it myself and when God makes you aware of it you do a face-palm.