J
I am in a heck of a place right now. I love the Lord. I serve Him. I want to honor and worship, but my life has gotten overwhelmingly complicated. For just snippet, since January 1, 2012; my husband and I ate divorcing, my dad disowned me, my family is in chaos because my dad has less than a year to live, my 9 mo old niece was almost killed, my mother is swinging from either smothering me to completely rejecting me, she is very I'll and heading for surgery soon, I lost my job and have been jobless for 2 months, I've been having flashbacks almost every night, and several times throughout the day, and now I'm sick. Im not listing these for a pity party, just to give a fuller picture. I feel very alone. I have very good times when I get to hang out with people, work at my church, go to services, etc, but the moment I leave it's like I'm walking into something even emptier than it was when I started my day.
I'm am usually at one side or the other of the psychological pendulum. I'm either very emotional though I don't typically explode onto others in a damaging way, or I'm beyond analytical like I reader entire APA glossary of psych terms.
I feel like I have no control over my mind right now. There are just times when it gets invaded with flashing memories. Other times it's not really my mind fully, I have body memory flashbacks and panic attacks associated with my past. I wake up (or sometimes in the day I just blink or turn my head) screaming, crying, choking, unable to speak. I have tried and tried to "take my thoughts captive" but honestly I usually barely have the faculties to hold onto reality. In my spiritual disciplines, I find it increasingly more difficult to allow God access. My safe place is not safe, and any sense of intimacy with God leaves my mind begging tearfully, "please don't touch me." The catch is, though, that I know I NEED to be touched. I'm not a person who can live without the simple physical gestures of love. God knows that is my love language. But though I need it, I feel myself cringe in fear under the weight of it and all I can do is request that He back off. Who am I to tell God to leave?!
I pondered tonight why this is such an issue for me. There is the obvious. My father ignored my objections. He began raping me somewhere in young toddlerhood as he'd done with my older sister. His affections were dangerous, and its only now through therapy that I am learning that it's ok to object to things. My father instilled in me early on that I was worthless.
My mother, on the other hand, was a different kind of abusive altogether. I did not turn out to be the perfect daughter through whom she could live her dreams vicariously. I was a problem child. I let myself get hurt. In fact, I asked for it even when I was too young to comprehend the situation. I was a tease according to her, and learned early on that I was only good for my body and what I could do for men, but even that wasn't good enough. I have always felt a bit like jezebel. I identify with her greatly. It was not my intention to carry that title, but I felt my sheer existence was enough for me to warrant it. I do not share this so you can go on and on about how false all of this is. I do know somewhere in my 27 yr old mind that they are false. But 2 yr old mind has only one reality. I also do not say that cannot or should not deliver truth, but please don't go overkill on me. I will tell you this. When people start spouting out truth left and right, and telling me I'm wrong (even if I am) it's like a verbal bashing. And the more others bash me, the more bash myself. When I see these truths I can so easily tell muself, "see how rediculous you are! How can you believe -------? Stop being a sissy and buck up."
I feel very disposable. It's not that I feel like no one loves me. I only feel like if I killed myself they may be sad, but they'd eventually be over it better off without me to burden them. Feel free to share a good scripture to argue this one because I can't find it.
Related to feeling burdensome, I feel worthless (more or less). I have things to offer, but I guess I don't see the value in the uniqueness of what I have been gifted with. I kind of feel like someone else could always do it. I feel worthless in my core. I feel like my soul was ripped from me, thrashed around a bit, and stuffed back in a polished shell. I can put on a pretty face. I can't blow the roof off the Christmas concert. Or I can paint a dozen house, but still feel worthless inside.
I feel ashamed. Part of it is from my own actions, but so much of it was poured right over me. You know that shame that caused Adam and Eve to hide their nakedness in the garden. That's what I feel. I approach the Lord with full intention of meeting with Him, but as He comes closer I turn my eyes and cry, "please don't look at me. I'm dirty."
As I was praying tonight these few lines came to me. Mind you, this is pre-edit... and probably incomplete.
I stand before a Holy God longing to be embraced
But as you approach, arms flung wide
I shed a brokenhearted tear and shamefully turn my face
Do I disgrace my Father?
Have I brought You only shame
because I can't be the purest daughter?
Have I tarnished both our names?
You may rise above it,
But I have neither wisdom nor might
Sufficient enough to conquer alone
the darkness without the light
I know you've called me Down-Flowing
And still somewhere in my mind
plays a tape of dirty little secrets--
seeds of death and doubt growing as I'm breaking
planted so far back in time
So far, they're all but impossible to find
How can I give myself so much credit
To assume I have the power of God?
To define the very core of my creation
Would mean only that His work was for naught
How can I give myself so much credit
to assume I have the power of God?
To define the very core of my creation
I'm am usually at one side or the other of the psychological pendulum. I'm either very emotional though I don't typically explode onto others in a damaging way, or I'm beyond analytical like I reader entire APA glossary of psych terms.
I feel like I have no control over my mind right now. There are just times when it gets invaded with flashing memories. Other times it's not really my mind fully, I have body memory flashbacks and panic attacks associated with my past. I wake up (or sometimes in the day I just blink or turn my head) screaming, crying, choking, unable to speak. I have tried and tried to "take my thoughts captive" but honestly I usually barely have the faculties to hold onto reality. In my spiritual disciplines, I find it increasingly more difficult to allow God access. My safe place is not safe, and any sense of intimacy with God leaves my mind begging tearfully, "please don't touch me." The catch is, though, that I know I NEED to be touched. I'm not a person who can live without the simple physical gestures of love. God knows that is my love language. But though I need it, I feel myself cringe in fear under the weight of it and all I can do is request that He back off. Who am I to tell God to leave?!
I pondered tonight why this is such an issue for me. There is the obvious. My father ignored my objections. He began raping me somewhere in young toddlerhood as he'd done with my older sister. His affections were dangerous, and its only now through therapy that I am learning that it's ok to object to things. My father instilled in me early on that I was worthless.
My mother, on the other hand, was a different kind of abusive altogether. I did not turn out to be the perfect daughter through whom she could live her dreams vicariously. I was a problem child. I let myself get hurt. In fact, I asked for it even when I was too young to comprehend the situation. I was a tease according to her, and learned early on that I was only good for my body and what I could do for men, but even that wasn't good enough. I have always felt a bit like jezebel. I identify with her greatly. It was not my intention to carry that title, but I felt my sheer existence was enough for me to warrant it. I do not share this so you can go on and on about how false all of this is. I do know somewhere in my 27 yr old mind that they are false. But 2 yr old mind has only one reality. I also do not say that cannot or should not deliver truth, but please don't go overkill on me. I will tell you this. When people start spouting out truth left and right, and telling me I'm wrong (even if I am) it's like a verbal bashing. And the more others bash me, the more bash myself. When I see these truths I can so easily tell muself, "see how rediculous you are! How can you believe -------? Stop being a sissy and buck up."
I feel very disposable. It's not that I feel like no one loves me. I only feel like if I killed myself they may be sad, but they'd eventually be over it better off without me to burden them. Feel free to share a good scripture to argue this one because I can't find it.
Related to feeling burdensome, I feel worthless (more or less). I have things to offer, but I guess I don't see the value in the uniqueness of what I have been gifted with. I kind of feel like someone else could always do it. I feel worthless in my core. I feel like my soul was ripped from me, thrashed around a bit, and stuffed back in a polished shell. I can put on a pretty face. I can't blow the roof off the Christmas concert. Or I can paint a dozen house, but still feel worthless inside.
I feel ashamed. Part of it is from my own actions, but so much of it was poured right over me. You know that shame that caused Adam and Eve to hide their nakedness in the garden. That's what I feel. I approach the Lord with full intention of meeting with Him, but as He comes closer I turn my eyes and cry, "please don't look at me. I'm dirty."
As I was praying tonight these few lines came to me. Mind you, this is pre-edit... and probably incomplete.
I stand before a Holy God longing to be embraced
But as you approach, arms flung wide
I shed a brokenhearted tear and shamefully turn my face
Do I disgrace my Father?
Have I brought You only shame
because I can't be the purest daughter?
Have I tarnished both our names?
You may rise above it,
But I have neither wisdom nor might
Sufficient enough to conquer alone
the darkness without the light
I know you've called me Down-Flowing
And still somewhere in my mind
plays a tape of dirty little secrets--
seeds of death and doubt growing as I'm breaking
planted so far back in time
So far, they're all but impossible to find
How can I give myself so much credit
To assume I have the power of God?
To define the very core of my creation
Would mean only that His work was for naught
How can I give myself so much credit
to assume I have the power of God?
To define the very core of my creation
