J
Sometimes life is so flippin complicated. Being an analyzer, my brain goes on overload. You should check out my google history. Today I read the entire APA glossary of Psychology terms. Me thinks I have a problem! On Sunday I was at church all day. I arrived at 7:00am for worship practice and since I don't drive, I left for a bit and got dropped back off at the church. I crashed in the sanctuary and after about 30 minutes of light sleep something started me. It wasnt outside noise. It wasn't a dream really. I just remember waking up to what was sort of a mental noise and for a split second there were some very eerie childlike figures taunting me. A few weeks ago something similar happened a few times. I was startled away from a deep sleep because I heard someone call my name. After it happen again my first though was, "yes Lord, your servant is listening." though I knew it wasn't God's voice. I've got enough issues, I don't need to be "hearing" imaginary voices. I attributed it to the stress of seeing my estranged husband by surprise and being ignore every time, to determining the future of my marriage, to trying to set boundaries with my ill mother, etc. They went away. But then it happened again that day at the church. After I tried sleep again but to no avail. I've been having harder and harder times falling asleep. People came in after about 20 more minutes. And I got up but I don't really know how to describe how I was feeling. It's hypervigilence and agitation. It was much like being tied down in a threatening situation and your body is trying to run away though you physically can't. It's so terrible it really feels indescribable. Anyways, I was ok while I did worship that night, but as soon as I sat down, it was there again. I just sat cross legged on the chairs rocking. I'm a thinker so I don't think anyone really noticed.
So it subsided a bit over the next two days, but last night I was exhausted but I COULD NOT sleep. I laid there for 2 hrs. trying to distract myself from the anxiety. It came I waves. As soon as it subsided it came back again and again and again. When I finally went to sleep, something happened that has never occurred before. I was startled awake in complete panic. It was as if I'd just heard a gun shot, but there was nothing. I was waiting for something to pop out of my closet or bust through my door. Again, I can't really explain it. Even writing this I can feel it. I'm really not looking forward to exploring where this fear is coming from. It took me two hours again to fall asleep and I woke up in panic.
All day I've felt waves of hypervigilent fear, and anxiety. I've been doing everything I can to distract myself, but as soon as I stop it comes back again. I would like to pause and meet with the Lord but because it's happened before I fear if I still myself then will come the dissociative flashbacks.
In some ways I fear that I'm headed from some really scary hallucination. I live alone. I can't do that by myself.
So it subsided a bit over the next two days, but last night I was exhausted but I COULD NOT sleep. I laid there for 2 hrs. trying to distract myself from the anxiety. It came I waves. As soon as it subsided it came back again and again and again. When I finally went to sleep, something happened that has never occurred before. I was startled awake in complete panic. It was as if I'd just heard a gun shot, but there was nothing. I was waiting for something to pop out of my closet or bust through my door. Again, I can't really explain it. Even writing this I can feel it. I'm really not looking forward to exploring where this fear is coming from. It took me two hours again to fall asleep and I woke up in panic.
All day I've felt waves of hypervigilent fear, and anxiety. I've been doing everything I can to distract myself, but as soon as I stop it comes back again. I would like to pause and meet with the Lord but because it's happened before I fear if I still myself then will come the dissociative flashbacks.
In some ways I fear that I'm headed from some really scary hallucination. I live alone. I can't do that by myself.
