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im sorry for this being so long but im onley telling you this so you have an idea of what kind of torment my soul is in right now. ive had the most unusual set of problems in my life that out of shame iv never had the courage to talk to people about and im just now trying to face nomatter what people think of me i have to .i got off to a bad start as a child i didnt feel loved all that much i was confused and the thing that started alot of the shame that iv felt was when i was 7 or 8 before i even new what sex really ment i started messing around with my cousin and it really didnt hit me that what i was doing was wrong until i told a friend and he completly turnd on me and told everybody i went to school with.i knew from that point on i wanted people not to ever see that part of me or even think i was capable of doing somthing like that.so when i moved and got placed in another school i started lieing about what kind of person i was.i figured the complete opposite of someone that would do somthing like that would be some type of gang banger or thung so thats what i tryd to personify myself as and i started smokeing ciggeretts and pot and just gettn messd up of anything i could get my hands on.by the time i was 13 i started feeling really dirty about what i was doing and wanted to stop but i never could til i was 15 around that time i had met a 33 year old at a smokn buddies house and we ended up fulling around and i believe she had somthing becouse shortly after i got symptoms of somthing and i was to ashamed to say anything about it to anyone. i messed up at school in the 9th grade and my mother kicked me out .i ended up moving in with my dad.he was an alcoholic with a filthy apartment i couldnt stand being in most of the time so i spent alot of time with a naghbor which ended up being homosexual he convenced me to alow him to perform oral sex on me for money for my phone cards that i needed at the time i didnt have hardly any financal support from my father so figured i had to do what i had to do i went agianst everything i believed in whan i did that and it just desencitized me even farther 2 different abominations in one lifetime hanging over my head.shortly there after i met the woman im curantly seperated to now.we new eachother 4 months before we were pushed into marrage becouse the law was called out to were we were staying she admitted that we were sexually active and at the time i had just turnd 17 and she was 32 social workers got involved and stated if we didnt get married we couldnt see eachother anymore and neither me or her were willing to exept that i wanted to get out on my own and have no parents telling me what to do so i desided that was the easeist way out.we stayed together for awhile and doe to infidelity issues we split up i moved back home and we still talked.she wanted me back but i didnt feel the same.she later admited to me she used some witchcraft on me using one of my shirts she told me it was a love spell.then she ended up inhereting large some of money and in my selfesh pothetic greedy state of mind i took her back knowing she wasnt right for me.we moved in together she bought me a nice vehical that became like an idol to me and it made me feel better than other people when i was in it.eventualy i started feeling miserable i couldnt find any work anywhere and i just felt hopless.i remember the day i started seeking after god. i was lieing in my room intoxicated and a tv commercial came on that said im not ashamed of the gosple of jesus christ..i broke into tears and i felt a peace wash over me i knew nothing would ever be the same it felt like god was telling me everything was gonna be ok.so i started trying to live a christian life.my vehicle started messing up on me and i was tring to trade it in for somthing else but noone would would work with me.so i decided to take it to carmax to see what i could get.the night before i went i prayed to god and asked him what he wanted me to do and he guided me to some scripture speaking of how jesus's followers sold everything they ownd and gave it to the church my inisail thoughts were that he wanted me to to take whatever i got and give it to a church but i was cunfused on wether i should give it to the church or give it back to my wife i believed maybey he wanted me to do that to get her to go back home to be with her kids.he told me that if i did it there would be a big reward but if i didnt something bad was gonna happenand he also told me he didnt believe i would.so i went and they offered me 950 dollors i was insulted and didnt do it immediotly after i started noticing things omens like i had black birds always sitting in my driveway that were never there before and i stared filing like everything was a sign so i broke and sold it to the guy we bought it from and thought about what i should do with the money and in my mind the onley right thing to do was to give it back to her so i did and i had to set there and watch her spend it on stuff from the dollor store and yard sales it was kinda sad but i exepted it.she ended up going back home and i had to move back in with family eventualy i had a job oppertunity but the interview poped up at an inconveniant time for my grandmother to give me a ride i got upset with her becouse i thought i would miss it and i had waited so long.her obligations ended up falling through so she was able to take me.little did i know that was a bad seed that i planted.i started backsliding shortly after i got the job and i had a voice that told me somthing very bad was gonna happen if i continued to work there i also had a voice ask me if i would give up my soul for a beutiful woman.i said no ofcourse and didnt think much of it.but just recently i had an ex from school get back in touch with me and we got together and then the following monday i met another girl at work didnt think very much of it at first then me and my ex wasnt comunicating the way we should have so we broke it off and i got together with the new girl and it was going great shes very smart and beutiful has a kind heart that i love she had a doughter when she was real young and unlike alot of girls that have babies when there in there teens she never looked at her child as an inconveniance but a blessing that she holds more dear than life itself.shes the the kind of woman that someone like me would never desurve.i tryed to do things right with her but i failed becouse i got impatiant and didnt face my past we ended up spliting up then the emotional high died off and all i have left is guilt so i decided to face it and go see whats wrong with me. i had to quit my job becouse the guilt got to be to much the last three day while waiting for my oppointment iv done alot of praying and had come to peace with the fact that things might turn bad i know i desurve it but yesterday i was walking and i got hit by a car i didnt get hurt or anything just kinda frazzledazzled i was in a strange state of mind and did seem to care i didnt get mad the guy said sorry i didnt see you and asked if i needed a ride i told him no and it was ok just go about your day n god bless and he drove off and pulled in the same road i live on didnt think nothing of it when i got home i had a voice telling me to find him and talk to him so i found were he lived at and we exchanged numbers and i told him not to worry i wasnt mad i just had a voice telling me to speak with him and he offered me a job i felt that god was blessing me becouse i finaly decided to do the right thing i was so happy and i felt peace for the first time in a while i felt impowered to do the will of god and to use my life as testemony but then i was setting on my porch thanking god for that and then a vioce that said f word then the holyspirit and it wiped any feeling of blessing that i had. believe it or not thats not the first time that has came into my mind its happend severail times iv always freaked out about it and i would rebuke satan and that terrible feeling would eventualy go away but this time it feels defferent i cant cry out to the lord i can weep to him but no tears come out and that scares me i know that once you do that its sopposed to feel like a past feeling but i cant tell.i just feel hopeless and i need god more now than ever for what im about to have to do. think you so very much for taking the time to read this.please please pray for me i just wanna fullfil my porpose and conqere all these demons that have taunted and tortured me my whole life and move on from my past so i can see gods future for me thank you and god bless
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