Sex

I've come to realize that I judge my worth as a person on how well I can perform sexually. God is love and sex in the correct context is the ultimate IMO gift from God and expression of love aside from sharing the gospel. I don't fornicate anymore but when I did and i did good (women had an orgasm) I was on top of the world and when I did not so good (premature ejaculation or the dreaded ' your not doing anything for me, this is a joke' occurences.) was the ONLY time suicide made sense to me. And I'm so against suicide it's ridiculous. Plus (please excuse the honesty) I'm not exactly well endowed so it really gets to me. If you think only girls are pressured to be awesome and perfect your wrong. I don't look at porn anymore either and Jesus is my main reason for that but even when I didn't care about being pure porn would bum me out cause I'd see all these dudes with more manhood then me and see the girls reaction and how I've never gotten that kind of reaction or could never do what they do. I know that size doesn't matter all that much but it does make a difference and thinking how I'll never be able to give a girl that kind of rush really really really really messes with my self esteem. Only thing that makes me think I'm worth anything is the fact that Jesus died for me and us amen?

Since I'm pouring out all my secrets I mine as well tell it all. I've never told this to anyone but if you love Jesus I think you would understand or atleast pity me ( not that I want or need your pity, just saying) like I'm sure God does. But this obsession with basing my self worth by the size of my penis has led me to do something so very wicked and despicable it makes me sick. I'm sickened to think that I have it in me to hurt someone in that way. Since I've decided to go after Jesus with all I have its only right to speak the truth. Regardless of the stigma of my sin. The truth is I've abused a child sexually and in turn opened the door to be abused myself. I don't want to go in much detail but it was something that happend in the family. Me and someone decided to commit the sin together. Me doing the actual sin while it was being observed by someone whos in a position of authority over the child. I was young when this happend. A child myself. I never touched her just had her touch me. We didn't have sex or anything like that I just had her do things to me. Something needs to be explained more fully here to understand just how Great God truely is.

I'm a prophet. God has always spoke to me. Especially about other people. He gifted me in the Spirit to edify through knowledge and words of wisdom. My father taught me about Jesus in all purity when I was a child. Like a man he demonstrated to me countless times what it really meat to live for Jesus. Gifts are great but without the character of Christ to walk out your gifts in the right way then they can do harm in terms of confusing someone into thinking that the gift is everything when Jesus is everything and a relationship with him is where it starts for real amen?

Being a prophet when God speaks to me my world stops and I'm compellednbyba force so strong that i have to speak and act for Him. I HAVE to. This confused me and angered me after I lost my dad. I felt like it was unfair for the Lord to take him and it caused me to do the ultimate betrayal. Ill s God what happends when he makes it to where I have no choice but to act and speak for him. I'll show God just how I feel about him taking my dad and making it to where I can't express myself the easy, worldly way. I'll become what he put me on this earth to go against. I'll defile a child and in turn defile myself so that God can't work through me like he planned and I can be the sensual, worldly fool and live in all the sinful Bliss I've been denied being born a prophet. I'll bring Gods plan to naught and prove once in for all that I can fool this God who waste power on grace and love. I'll outsmart God with his own ways. This is what I thought.

So the devil got me and I used my authority in God to manipulate this family member into having our way with this girl. Ill do the sin and convince him to condone it. I will be the one deciding what we were to do. I'll take advantage of him by tricking him into letting me do what I want and then I'll take advantage if the girl. I'll be in complete control over both of them and sealy victory against God.

You have to understand that I love Jesus deeply and have all my life. I thought these things but when it came to carrying it out in had to go against all the Holy Spirit and my father has taught me. I have to take advantage of this child and this man without being taken advantage of myself. I have to show this guy that God is in me (a desire that consumed me) and as his vessel I can do whatever and I have to show this child Jesus is real without there being a chance of her denying him and in turn denying me. I'll take advantage of her by showing her that I have a problem with my little penis that Jesus helps me with and she has a problem (her hand was born deformed) that she needs Jesus for too. You have to understand when people rejected God they rejected me because I'm his prophet. I'll show these people the power of God is for real and I'm for real. This is how twisted I was. I wanted to corrupt Gods gift to me as a way of saying I have MY OWN will to God and show these unbelievers that Gods for real ( and since I'm his prophey I'm for real. I wanted to both erase the light God gave me so I can do my own will like everyone else and show them both that Jesus is real and they need to be saved. I wanted to defile myself and block people from fellowship with me thus keeping the foolish unbeliever from ever having even the slightest chance of having the God they don't deserve and I wanted to show what the power of love and Jesus can do by being able to forgive the wicked. I wanted to feel big for once in my life and embrace the sin Gods grace denied me and unwanted to selflessly lay down my life and allow God to use me to save people. I didnt know it at the time but I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. These were the delusions and conflicts i was having.

Okay so I've convinced him to let me "talk" with her. He trusts me. I'm in. I can do what I want. But does he really think I would deny my God and in turn deny myself? Does he really think he can manipulate me into doing his sexual bidding and thus make void Gods power? How dare he be so proud. How dare him for denying Jesus. I'll do what he "wants me to" because in the end its my idea. I'm in control of both of them. Jesus is real. Do you deny him now? Look at how weak the carnel mind is. I can convince you to do something you would never do. You can't deny Jesus. He's real and you WILL accept him. I WILL complete this job God gave me and I WILL have my own selfish desires satisfied. I will be the big man spiritually by bringing these heathens to Jesus and I'll be the big man physically by exposing myself to this child who doesn't have a reference for things like that. They'll be so broken from the sin that they will have to accept Jesus just to be able to live with themself. I'll destroy them by the most damaging sin there is. They've refused Jesus and refused me for the last time. They'll never say another cross word about God again when I'm done and God will regret making my manhood a joke. I win on all fronts. Checkmate.

She knows me. I'll pit her against him. Well do what we want in defiance of him. He can't control us. You have a problem. I have a problem to. Only Jesus is the answer. Don't believe me? Where is your help? I've bent him to my will. Come on it'll be fun. Well rebel without falling from grace. Noone can touch you. Your a child. Your pure. He doesn't understand that. Let's do it. You have to I'm sorry this is the only way. What you feel is lust. Act on it. I'm what you've never known. I'm the fullness of man in every aspect of the word.
This was happening before the sin. When the actual sin happens God withdrew his favor. I was still saved but died. As soon as it happens I realize that this child is being damaged far beyond anything inl ever thought was possible. She thinks she has to do this to be pretty before God and us. This is so wrong. I don't feel any satisfaction. I feel death. I thought I was so smart and could manipulate him but he manipulated me. He tricked me. This is so wrong. I'm so sorry Jesus. I'm so sorry man. You know this isnt who I am. You know God doesn't condone this. You know i love her. How could you let me harm her? Where are you? God I'm sorry. Im sorry little girl. I'm sorry man. Where are you? God can't deny himself and take his Spirit from me no matter what I do. Where is he? Oh my God. He's getting pleasure from this. He's coming after me. He felt the sting of death and has seen God and now is coming after me to defend this child. He better. He better stand up for her or I will destroy him. Defend this child now. Now! Oh my God. Righteous indignation. He's doing the same thing to me as I did to her. This hurts so much. I'm so scared. Don't hurt me. This is exactly what she felt and thought. Oh my God what have I done to this child? What have i done with this gift of God. I'm so wrong. This is too much I can't handle it. I'm being shook to.my core. He does love her. I do love her. God really is real and he really does love us. What have we done? I'll never be the same again. None of us will. Its not a matter of If God exists for these people anymore because he showed the power of his might by absolutely destroying me and making me feel what I inflicted. They have a new found respect for God despite of me not because of me but they also have a new found respect for me because I demanded to be given justice for my actions. From them and from God.
I failed my God yet i stayed faithful. I manipulated and got manipulated. I abused and so got abused
I showed mercy and was shown mercy. The Lord proved to them that his love never fails and he proved to me that he will do whatever he wants and none can stay his hand or deny the power of his love.


So there you have it. The truth. For the first time in my life the actual truth. I'm a little, tiny man who likes to feel big. Its just because I have a little penis.I can't express how much God rocked me. I decided that I would give my life in sincerity to this God who destroys child molestors. I want to serve this God who protects children forever. And I'll prove it.

I suppressed the memory of what I did and what happens to me. In had serious issues but didn't know why. I needed God. As hard as it is I'll serve him and hell deliver me. Just gotta stay faithful. I was so pathetic this child that would come into my workplace to talk to me said to me do you hear yourself? After mumbling out some weak, can't hear you speak up little man nonsense. God tied my tounge after i did what i did and made my speech weak. A child put me to shame form the second time. It wasn't until later that Gos revealed to me the horror of what really happend
After realizing I was having these psychotic breaks and problems because i had betrayed my best friend and hurt a child I made the decision to lay EVERYTHING down at the feet of Jesus. I had failed my God but he still loves me and accepts me. My life is dedicated to ensuring that as many people as possible come to know this unstoppable God. Its Gods will that men be saved so Lord use my life for that goal. I'm sorry and I'll live every day of my life in repentance. I'll guarantee it.

About the time I was getting these revelations is when an old gf came back into my life. We used to love eachother deeply so i couldnt hide the truth from her. I wanted to show children just what i think about what i did. I demamded justice and gotnit but will be given more justice. I set up the circumstance to have this girl i love sleep with those whom im to preach to. I disregarded my friend and defiled hetn( or tried. Praise Jesus theres no power quite like that of a forgiving child) then he needs to do the same. She will say his name instead if mine. She will see and experience HIS manhood. She will forever get what she wants in that way because I refuse to have it any other way. She loves me i and I her. So much so I'll show her just how holy and awesome God is by getting down and staying there. I'll show the consequence of foolishness.

Ill prove once and for all just how much Jesus means to me and how much his children mean to me. She will forever get a REAL man who knows how to love. Not a child molester. She wants me for some reason so I told her that it has to be that way. If you want me, dedicate your life to Christ and follow him to get to me.

So there you have it. The total truth. I made the biggest mistake ever and God is so faithful to give me another shot so my life will be dedicated to.loving those who betrayed me. Just as God loves me even when I betray him. I will forever bow the knee to Jesus Christ and they're will be no doubt in anyone's mind as to who brings to naught the devices of the wicked. The hurt will have acess to Jesus and the mockers will be put to shame.

Glory, power, and honor to God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ. Amen.

This needs to be deleted. I relapsed on meth last night and wrote that. I would understand if you banned me. Please pray for me. I'm going through a very difficult season. I'm sorry.

What do you mean?

It was actually a good read. I appreciate very much your honesty and the courage it took to write this post. It was most refreshing. Yes, those that are hurt have access to Jesus. I have certainly prayed for you and want you to know that you have nothing to be sorry about.

Thanks brother. It has to be genuinely about getting people saved. From a place of love, holiness, and SOBRIETY. Wasn't yelling at you. Just emphasizing the important lesson we all should learn from all this. That being the importance of not wavering in the gosh dang faith.

I have been reading it. Over and over again. Honesty is good and the Truth will set you free but there's ways to go about it to where you don't sound like a drug crazed pervert.

My own faith has wavered quite a bit it times past. I'm a piece of work but God still loves me. He loves you too. I believe that you understand about pain and suffering and perhaps will reach a point where you can minister to others who are hurting in the worst possible way.

I must admit that I read your post this morning and I thought What on earth. To be honest I actually thought your op whilst drunk.

As I thought about it I wondered why you wrote it.

This is what I thought and would ask you.

Do you still carry guilt regarding your past?
Do you truly feel forgiven?
Have you truly forgiven?
Do you truly feel God loves you?

Do you really know

John 17:23
I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.

You seem very determined to prove Christ to others but part of me thinks you are trying to prove Christ to yourself.
Maybe testing him as such. That's why I have posted the above verse.

You have nothing to prove to Christ for yourself.

As a believer in Christ and know that he died for you he has proved himself to you.

You posted you relapsed on meth.

Is that your esacpeism, to escape from pain, guilt, fears, condemnation, lack of self worth?

I could be way off the mark but the above was what came to mind and which I had prayed for you.

Bill

For me to be given the opportunity to serve Jesus in any capacity would mean everything to me.

I write a lot actually and do that quite often. Chances are thats the destiny of that piece of work.

I would not be surprised at all if God ends up using that disgrace for his glory. Happends all the time. God shows his goodness despite me not because of me. I really need to understand that a lot of people could be getting saved if I just worked WITH God.

Absolem, to be honest, and I always blatantly am, LOL, in your OP you sounded rather prideful and braggartly when you described how good you are at sex, and about the size of your wanker.. I'll let you in on a secret: women honestly don't care about how big or small a man's wanker is. We only care whether they treat us with respect and not as a romp in the hay every now and again. The size of your wanker has NO bearing on your self-worth. Start thinking about how GOD values your worth, and you might just see that sex and big or small wankers are irrelevant..

Amen sister. Its about the quality of your character.

Just ignore him, he's DISGUSTING talking about stuff like that and thinking of women in that way... just ew. Like yes sex is useful to make babies, and is for married people. But like... women are people, not machines of sex like this person is making out.

Who even WANTS to know the size of his part? Why is this even being allowed to be posted on this forum? Surely talking about sex and the size of your sexual part and how good you are at sex and etc is against the rules?

You mean YOUR character..