K
Hi folks!
I don't know where to begin or if this is appropriate to post, but I'm unsure what I should do, or where I should turn.
I feel that Jesus has been knocking on my heart in a big way over the last six months at least. I have come to understand Jesus and the Bible a lot more than I ever thought I would, and please believe me when I say I am intently pursuing a relationship with Jesus within my heart.
My entire life I have been in and around occult, and what I would come to realize in my teenage years is Mystary teachings. Through the music industry, I have been exposed to a great many things, and honestly, this is also how I began to see that perhaps Jesus WAS the way.
A close friend of mine who has had a very similar path as I have got saved about three years ago. He set out to understand the Bible so that he could use it to defeat Christians with their own beliefs. Slowly, he started telling me... "You don't understand! This is all true!"
He began to relay to me that a lot of my experiences, literally since birth / or since I can remember, unwittingly had something to do with Demonic forces.
Since I could remember, I have had "Spirit Guides". I thought it was normal and every child had them. As I grew up, I realized I was wrong. I've been saved from near-death experiences, had a whole bunch of other spiritual phenomena occur, and that was "life" for me. These 'guides' were 'good'. They meant no harm - they helped me, they were ALWAYS correct (Don't do this, do this a certain way, talk to this person and ask this etc.) They helped me in many Positive aspects.
Fast-forward again to my friend who got saved explaining to me that these "spirits" are Demonic (I didn't believe that) and that the only way was Jesus.
I've struggled with insurmountable depression since the age of 12. Unfortunately, I only Now realize I made a couple of "deals" with spiritual entities... of course they ended badly, but I thought the fault was solely on me... Nothing major of course, just getting my first girlfriend and a couple of other minor things that I thought were elsewise out of my reach.
I always thought that the "spirit" known as Jesus and I had a special 'deal' that stemmed back to me being saved in a near-death experience as a very young child, and vehemently denied The Bible, Jesus and Christian's interpretation of "God" as an arrogant distraction. I spent years as a teenager dabling in what is now known as "New Age" principles... My world-view was shaped around Re-incarnation, which offered me plausable answers to Everything. It all made sense. I firmly believed in energy harnessing and manipulation and all that other stuff.
Something started changing, as the deeper I got into the music industry, I started seeing some things that made me very uncomfortable, and really started seeing some people take Occult teachings to an unbelievable proportion.
Over time, I matched what I saw in the industry with what I see taking place in political agendas that are today being pushed in the world around us. I see where it's heading! Without even claiming any "prophecy" of any kind, I KNOW what a few of the next 'global movements' are going to be, because people I know within the industry have been talking about them for close to 10 years now. Whether you are politically-minded or not, is irrelevant. I certainly am not. When I started actually seeing these things unfold around me, I couldn't believe it.
Jesus' knocking grew louder and louder within me.
I went to church with a friend for the first time... and man, in my naivete, I had it "all figured out".
I'm a performer, and I stood disgusted with the way church was presented, hooking people in with the SAME exact method of performance that we use in Music... from the order of the proceedings, to the lighting cues, to how the songs slowly became more upbeat and intense towards the climax at the end. I Wasn't falling for this shill proceeding.
It re-affirmed MY beliefs to me. This was a swerve of grand proportions and I couldn't believe how easily These people were being sucked in!
I was shaking my head, willingly running closer to the Occult because of what I felt at the time. The church was more insincere than I could believe.
I went for a couple of weeks thereafter, and on the last time, a pastor came up to me and asked if he could lay hands and say a prayer for me.
"Sure"
If it helped the Pastor feel at peace for trying to help, why not?
Please don't misunderstand - I, like many misguided people who are in, or have been through Occult backgrounds aren't thinking "EVIL" or "NEGATIVE" probably 99% of the time. I have been brought up to be humble and kind and always be thankful.
Anyway, I didn't say anything at the time, but something about my interaction with the Pastor stirred me. Something happened inside. It was like a door opened a little bit more.
I went home, and over the next few months, I ended up being led even more heavily into Occult practises. I got LaVey's Satanic Bible, I intentionally tried accessing spiritual realms, dabbled in Chinese medicine etc.
Alot of this was spurred on further from extremely negative experiences I had with a Christian girl whom I was friends with. She seemed very sweet... Offered to show me her church and introduce me to people. She was always telling me about God. However, she would ALWAYS end up displaying a Massive duality complex.
She would be the sweetest person in the world, until the actual church proceeding was over. Every single time thereafter, she would change. Become a different person. I would be scolded, made to feel insignificant, I would be ignored and embarrassed - and THIS person was a follower of Jesus?!?
The culminating incident actually took place in church. She sneered at me during the proceeding that I never brought my Bible to church - this wasn't a big deal in my mind because they displayed everything up front on the screens - so I could still follow. However, she took issue with me on that, and proceeded to SLAM her Bible on the desk for us to share...
I was mortified and hurt. I felt so worthless that I cut my hand open right then and there during the proceeding, I still have the scar, and it is a reminder of how worthless I felt. If this was God's house, then how could I feel like I was being so abused? And why?
So heavier into the Occult I dabbled. And it got scary. Very scary. Meanwhile I still had friends sharing the Gospel with me.
A couple of weeks ago, it Really hit me and I repented and truly and honestly asked Jesus into my heart. I was doing well for about three weeks, but it became ever-increasingly obvious that I was being messed with on an emotional level.
My friend explained to me that he felt many of the things we put an every day label on are Demons... "Hopelessness", "Worthlessness", "Rage" etc. THESE are also Demonic.
The crux of my situation here is, I feel like I am going through drug rehabilitation and I keep relapsing.
I know now that the Bible is true, and I want within my heart a relationship with Jesus. I'm not praying for any wants except for Jesus to help open my heart and my eyes to the Truth, but old Demons keep rearing their head. I sin. And don't want to. But I feel like a different person when that happens.
Then I feel that because of the fact that I haven't overcome my struggles altogether, that I am unforgivable in the eyes of the Most High. So is there a point? And what do I do?
I'm not sure what kind of hope I have.
I'm really Trying to change because I want to within my heart, but it's not proving easy.
Thanks if you read all of this!
I don't know where to begin or if this is appropriate to post, but I'm unsure what I should do, or where I should turn.
I feel that Jesus has been knocking on my heart in a big way over the last six months at least. I have come to understand Jesus and the Bible a lot more than I ever thought I would, and please believe me when I say I am intently pursuing a relationship with Jesus within my heart.
My entire life I have been in and around occult, and what I would come to realize in my teenage years is Mystary teachings. Through the music industry, I have been exposed to a great many things, and honestly, this is also how I began to see that perhaps Jesus WAS the way.
A close friend of mine who has had a very similar path as I have got saved about three years ago. He set out to understand the Bible so that he could use it to defeat Christians with their own beliefs. Slowly, he started telling me... "You don't understand! This is all true!"
He began to relay to me that a lot of my experiences, literally since birth / or since I can remember, unwittingly had something to do with Demonic forces.
Since I could remember, I have had "Spirit Guides". I thought it was normal and every child had them. As I grew up, I realized I was wrong. I've been saved from near-death experiences, had a whole bunch of other spiritual phenomena occur, and that was "life" for me. These 'guides' were 'good'. They meant no harm - they helped me, they were ALWAYS correct (Don't do this, do this a certain way, talk to this person and ask this etc.) They helped me in many Positive aspects.
Fast-forward again to my friend who got saved explaining to me that these "spirits" are Demonic (I didn't believe that) and that the only way was Jesus.
I've struggled with insurmountable depression since the age of 12. Unfortunately, I only Now realize I made a couple of "deals" with spiritual entities... of course they ended badly, but I thought the fault was solely on me... Nothing major of course, just getting my first girlfriend and a couple of other minor things that I thought were elsewise out of my reach.
I always thought that the "spirit" known as Jesus and I had a special 'deal' that stemmed back to me being saved in a near-death experience as a very young child, and vehemently denied The Bible, Jesus and Christian's interpretation of "God" as an arrogant distraction. I spent years as a teenager dabling in what is now known as "New Age" principles... My world-view was shaped around Re-incarnation, which offered me plausable answers to Everything. It all made sense. I firmly believed in energy harnessing and manipulation and all that other stuff.
Something started changing, as the deeper I got into the music industry, I started seeing some things that made me very uncomfortable, and really started seeing some people take Occult teachings to an unbelievable proportion.
Over time, I matched what I saw in the industry with what I see taking place in political agendas that are today being pushed in the world around us. I see where it's heading! Without even claiming any "prophecy" of any kind, I KNOW what a few of the next 'global movements' are going to be, because people I know within the industry have been talking about them for close to 10 years now. Whether you are politically-minded or not, is irrelevant. I certainly am not. When I started actually seeing these things unfold around me, I couldn't believe it.
Jesus' knocking grew louder and louder within me.
I went to church with a friend for the first time... and man, in my naivete, I had it "all figured out".
I'm a performer, and I stood disgusted with the way church was presented, hooking people in with the SAME exact method of performance that we use in Music... from the order of the proceedings, to the lighting cues, to how the songs slowly became more upbeat and intense towards the climax at the end. I Wasn't falling for this shill proceeding.
It re-affirmed MY beliefs to me. This was a swerve of grand proportions and I couldn't believe how easily These people were being sucked in!
I was shaking my head, willingly running closer to the Occult because of what I felt at the time. The church was more insincere than I could believe.
I went for a couple of weeks thereafter, and on the last time, a pastor came up to me and asked if he could lay hands and say a prayer for me.
"Sure"
If it helped the Pastor feel at peace for trying to help, why not?
Please don't misunderstand - I, like many misguided people who are in, or have been through Occult backgrounds aren't thinking "EVIL" or "NEGATIVE" probably 99% of the time. I have been brought up to be humble and kind and always be thankful.
Anyway, I didn't say anything at the time, but something about my interaction with the Pastor stirred me. Something happened inside. It was like a door opened a little bit more.
I went home, and over the next few months, I ended up being led even more heavily into Occult practises. I got LaVey's Satanic Bible, I intentionally tried accessing spiritual realms, dabbled in Chinese medicine etc.
Alot of this was spurred on further from extremely negative experiences I had with a Christian girl whom I was friends with. She seemed very sweet... Offered to show me her church and introduce me to people. She was always telling me about God. However, she would ALWAYS end up displaying a Massive duality complex.
She would be the sweetest person in the world, until the actual church proceeding was over. Every single time thereafter, she would change. Become a different person. I would be scolded, made to feel insignificant, I would be ignored and embarrassed - and THIS person was a follower of Jesus?!?
The culminating incident actually took place in church. She sneered at me during the proceeding that I never brought my Bible to church - this wasn't a big deal in my mind because they displayed everything up front on the screens - so I could still follow. However, she took issue with me on that, and proceeded to SLAM her Bible on the desk for us to share...
I was mortified and hurt. I felt so worthless that I cut my hand open right then and there during the proceeding, I still have the scar, and it is a reminder of how worthless I felt. If this was God's house, then how could I feel like I was being so abused? And why?
So heavier into the Occult I dabbled. And it got scary. Very scary. Meanwhile I still had friends sharing the Gospel with me.
A couple of weeks ago, it Really hit me and I repented and truly and honestly asked Jesus into my heart. I was doing well for about three weeks, but it became ever-increasingly obvious that I was being messed with on an emotional level.
My friend explained to me that he felt many of the things we put an every day label on are Demons... "Hopelessness", "Worthlessness", "Rage" etc. THESE are also Demonic.
The crux of my situation here is, I feel like I am going through drug rehabilitation and I keep relapsing.
I know now that the Bible is true, and I want within my heart a relationship with Jesus. I'm not praying for any wants except for Jesus to help open my heart and my eyes to the Truth, but old Demons keep rearing their head. I sin. And don't want to. But I feel like a different person when that happens.
Then I feel that because of the fact that I haven't overcome my struggles altogether, that I am unforgivable in the eyes of the Most High. So is there a point? And what do I do?
I'm not sure what kind of hope I have.
I'm really Trying to change because I want to within my heart, but it's not proving easy.
Thanks if you read all of this!