Am I still a good wife

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complexobject

Guest
#1
#1
I've been married for a lil over a year. My husband has been out of work for 3 years now. He is computer illiterate so i have to put in all his job applications or they dont get done. He spends his time listening to music and watching tv. Every once in awile hell attempt to do an application but he'll ask me every 5 mins to do something so i end up doing it. When he was younger he put out a record which you cant find any where. But now he's on this kick that at almost 40 he's going to be a big time rapper. ^I cant support him and it causes big arguments because i wont support his dream. I mean im the only one bring in money and money is extra tight. I cook, clean i do everything. I tell him he can do it as a hobby but he still neeeds a real job. I mean your entitled to your dream but we have to live in reality. I feel like the time he sppends writing raps and listening to music he should be looking for a job. I mean 30 mins looking for a job and 5 hours doing music stuff doesnt add up. Am I wrong for not supporting his dream?
 
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MissCris

Guest
#2
#2
That sounds less like a dream he's following and more like a convenient way to avoid going to work :/
 
yac11

yac11

Senior Member
#3
Mar 24, 2013
580
19
18
#3
Please get some couple counseling as well as individual counseling. Maybe you will learn some things about yourself. But most important is to pray to God and ask him to change your husband, after he makes the changes in you. If you don't already love God above all others, then learn to do that. Only when you do, can he work the miracles you need to have a happy healthy marriage and life.
 
Stephen63

Stephen63

Banned
#4
Aug 15, 2009
9,745
179
0
#4
complexobject said:
I've been married for a lil over a year. My husband has been out of work for 3 years now. He is computer illiterate so i have to put in all his job applications or they dont get done. He spends his time listening to music and watching tv. Every once in awile hell attempt to do an application but he'll ask me every 5 mins to do something so i end up doing it. When he was younger he put out a record which you cant find any where. But now he's on this kick that at almost 40 he's going to be a big time rapper. ^I cant support him and it causes big arguments because i wont support his dream. I mean im the only one bring in money and money is extra tight. I cook, clean i do everything. I tell him he can do it as a hobby but he still neeeds a real job. I mean your entitled to your dream but we have to live in reality. I feel like the time he sppends writing raps and listening to music he should be looking for a job. I mean 30 mins looking for a job and 5 hours doing music stuff doesnt add up. Am I wrong for not supporting his dream?
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It seems that you were wrong for living with him for two years before you married him and are now reaping the consequences. I would suggest getting into a good church and dedicate your life to the Lord. Then you will be able to cast all your cares on Him. After that, the Lord will show you what to do.
 
J

jinx

Guest
#5
#5
peter pan syndrome? doesn't want to grow up? your a good wife, and your probably the only one in this relationship that is using their logic. Don't let him give you a guilt trip when he should be giving you a pay check to pay off some bills.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#6
#6
Sounds to me more like you're enabling his behavior by doing all the work for him. Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning for him, stop supporting him. See how long he lasts then. He's being very selfish and not living out his role as the head of, and the spiritual head of, his family. He is not considering anyone but himself. Having dreams is fine, but you don't abandon your responsibilities to go for a dream, especially as a husband.
Your husband is manipulating you. And you're allowing him to do it. If he can't fill out an application for himself, do you really believe he's going to show up for an interview and try? Or if he actually got hired, do you think he'll work well enough to keep that job? He needs some accountability and consequences, not someone catering to his selfish, lazy attitudes.

By the way, i don't know how well a 40 year old entering the rap scene will do. Considering it can take years to achieve any real success, that puts him at 45. I don't know of any rappers that blew up in their mid-40's. Only guys that old popular are guys who have been around forever and have an 'elder' type respect for being an innovator.
 
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gideon007

Senior Member
#7
Jun 30, 2012
494
9
18
#7
sometimes you really have to be hard even to those people you really love for them to know that you

have had enough (just as ugly said stop cooking for him, stop tending him and doing things for him. )
 
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kenisyes

Guest
#8
#8
First, I am a professional musician. My wife and I had a creative career that was quite fulfilling and wonderful. But I also teach college, and that's what paid for the career. So I am speaking from experience. Real creative gifts will flow out. If he really is any good, he can do it in two or three hours a week. That's how everybody starts. Unless you agreed to this lifestyle as part of the marriage, tell him to learn computer, get a job, and practice his music on the weekends.

PS. He can make satisfactory demos for free with his computer, if he will bother to learn to update his "professional" creative skills.
 
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Porthos

Banned
#9
Apr 15, 2013
236
1
0
#9
complexobject said:
I've been married for a lil over a year. My husband has been out of work for 3 years now. He is computer illiterate so i have to put in all his job applications or they dont get done. He spends his time listening to music and watching tv. Every once in awile hell attempt to do an application but he'll ask me every 5 mins to do something so i end up doing it. When he was younger he put out a record which you cant find any where. But now he's on this kick that at almost 40 he's going to be a big time rapper. ^I cant support him and it causes big arguments because i wont support his dream. I mean im the only one bring in money and money is extra tight. I cook, clean i do everything. I tell him he can do it as a hobby but he still neeeds a real job. I mean your entitled to your dream but we have to live in reality. I feel like the time he sppends writing raps and listening to music he should be looking for a job. I mean 30 mins looking for a job and 5 hours doing music stuff doesnt add up. Am I wrong for not supporting his dream?
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I feel for you.

It does seem as though he isn't quote ready to accept the idea that maybe he just won't ever become what he wants to become. But the thing is, with a loyal and obviously committed wife like you, he can find the excitement and the hope and the love and respect and admiration he needs from you, and your marriage.

I know that musical and expressive and creative people are some of the most affectionate, witty, smart and caring people in the world, I'm one myself and I have so much to give, but giving up our dreams can be really depressing; we aspire to change the world in a way.

What your husband doesn't realise is that he can do that with you. He can be loved and appreciated and he can be creative in other ways with you.

He needs to realise the value that marriage holds, the status that being a great husband can give him. Ask him to spend one day away from both job applications and frmo rapping and you two focus on getting to know each other all over again.

You've shown him patience, now show him you, and your needs. Try to goad him to focus on YOU rather than on his rap-career. For creative people, it means the world just to be listened to for our art, and I've found that I can turn that expressive craving towards someone rather than towards my writing.

compliment him often and let him know your needs, express to him. It will appeal to his nature.

I really hope he realizes just how much he has the whole world already and he doesn't need the dream as much as he needs you.
 
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complexobject

Guest
#10
#10
Stephen63 said:
It seems that you were wrong for living with him for two years before you married him and are now reaping the consequences. I would suggest getting into a good church and dedicate your life to the Lord. Then you will be able to cast all your cares on Him. After that, the Lord will show you what to do.
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Please allow to clarify we didnt live together for two years prior to us getting married. I am a God fearing womean who has grown up in the church and continue to grow spritual. That was kinda harsh what you said so im not sure what consequences I may be reaping but i have sown only good things to my knowlege.but you did say one thing i need to cast my cares on him and stop questioning myself or His plan for my family.
 
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BishopSEH

Guest
#11
#11
complexobject said:
I've been married for a lil over a year. My husband has been out of work for 3 years now. He is computer illiterate so i have to put in all his job applications or they dont get done. He spends his time listening to music and watching tv. Every once in awile hell attempt to do an application but he'll ask me every 5 mins to do something so i end up doing it. When he was younger he put out a record which you cant find any where. But now he's on this kick that at almost 40 he's going to be a big time rapper. ^I cant support him and it causes big arguments because i wont support his dream. I mean im the only one bring in money and money is extra tight. I cook, clean i do everything. I tell him he can do it as a hobby but he still neeeds a real job. I mean your entitled to your dream but we have to live in reality. I feel like the time he sppends writing raps and listening to music he should be looking for a job. I mean 30 mins looking for a job and 5 hours doing music stuff doesnt add up. Am I wrong for not supporting his dream?
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I would suggest a few things. First, get your heart right with God. It sounds to me like you could really use Him on your team. I understand times are hard but it is in the struggles that God's might shows itself so strongly.

Second, support your husband correctly. He needs to step up and be a man and not just a man but a godly one. 1 Timothy 3:1-7 Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. [SUP]2 [/SUP]Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, [SUP]3 [/SUP]not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. [SUP]4 [/SUP]He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect. [SUP]5 [/SUP](If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?) [SUP]6 [/SUP]He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. [SUP]7 [/SUP]He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap.

Now you read this and see overseer but look closer. These same qualities are that of a godly man. True support, the kind your husband needs, is to be conformed to these. You support him by encouraging growth in these areas of his life. You can support his dreams emotionally but not financially. This will require him to get a job even a low paying job which will offset some of what you help with. Agree to allow him to keep a specific portion say 20% of his weekly earning to put toward his dream. However, the dream fund has to come from his earnings alone.

Third, stop doing his work for him. Applications are a reflection of the person. He needs to figure out how to do these. Take him to the library, help him find a resume book so he can learn to write a good resume. Also, have him go interview anywhere and everywhere. He clearly needs practice and even a bad interview can be a learning experience.

Last, but certainly not least by any means, pray. Pray for wisdom, pray for peace and pray for strength. For you and for him.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH
 
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