You are mis-reading what I wrote. You are reading it from the position that I am a dyed-in-the-wool atheist and that I have never known God. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that God exists. Not only is it close to a mathematical/statistical certainty that God exists, but it also makes logical and some inkling of an emotional sense. Beyond that "God exists", I can't say anything more with any kind of conviction. Hence why my signature line used to read "I don't believe what you believe". To me, spirituality/religion isn't something you should fake the funk with. Be honest or be absent.
With the spiritual crisis I have been going through for the last few years, I am also trying to wrap my mind around the change in life this particular journey has brought up. As antagonistic as it may sound, CC is not a good place to find role models of how Christians should behave. Some might see me as fake, and I understand that completely because I think most everyone else is fake, so at least we have that in common. I see a lot of play acting here, and if that is what Christianity looks like, then I don't know that I want to be a part of it. It will likely take me years to figure out just what I believe and what those beliefs will mean for me, and I am the only person who can convince me of it. Lots of people have shared the gospel with me over the past few years, but none of them gets the crown for soul winning. I've still got too many questions.