Brother is a totally different person now

[LilSis7]

I have been worried about my brother for a while. But after our mother passed away, he just seems to get worse with time.
Before our mother passed away, he was pretty much estranged and was only in limited contact with our mother and me. To be honest, he has done a lot of wrongs to the family, so they don’t really appreciate having him around. So no one wants anything to do with him for most part.
He spent most of his adult life somehow just wanders all over the world doing various jobs and manages to make surprisingly decent living at it.
Of few times he’d come back to see our mother and me, he’d always be full of joy and stories. He seems to have so much happiness, hopes, and dreams.

Four years ago, our mother passed away. Ever since then my brother have just got much worse. In fact I’m starting to become really uncomfortable with him but at the same time I feel really sad for him.
Before our mother passed away, he was quite friendly, wants the best for others, worry about others and was a generally good person.
Now every time I’m around him, he just seems to have absolutely no compassion left in him. He no longer cares about others or tries to help anyone unless there’s something in it for him. He no longer put feeling or emotion into anything either. He just says whatever is most practical even if it isn’t what most people would dream of doing.
He even turned on family’s friend that he used to be closed to. He has thrown some of close friends under the bus for his own advantage. He also decides to leave few family members out in cold when they really need him.

I just tried to talk to him about this issue. He ended up says no body want him and he have nothing to lose, so he just live from adrenaline rush to the next one and don’t care much for anything else.
There’s just so much going on but this is just some of the big issue going on. I’m getting so scared and frustrated. I used to look up at him as someone I can depend on and know will be there. He was asked to fix things he have done wrong to the family and gave many chance. He walks away from them all. He seems to be a very different person from what I used to now and it really hurt me.

 

[LilSis7]

So is it hopeless to do anything?

 

[PopClick]

LilSis, it's never hopeless. If your brother isn't a Christian, that would be the place to start, in your talks with him... telling him about Jesus and what He did for him.

But please don't stress yourself out by thinking that you have to make him change. You can't do that. You can plant, you can water, but God will be the one who causes any growth that might happen.

You can pray for him, and I absolutely will do the same thing. Hugs, and God bless you for being concerned about your brother.

 

[kenisyes]

He's grieving. The adrenaline rush covers the pain. I bet he had a strong bond with your mother, and he probably feels it's too unique for any of the family or old friends to help him. If you were the one who could help him, he would seek you out. Pray that he finds someone he can talk to, keep in touch as best as you can manage, and give him his time to find God in all of what has happened (I know four years seems like a long time, but prayer is the only way you can shorten it).

 

[bobo]

Dont turn your back on him encourage other family members too to offer him the hand of peace and love he is so alone and is just self preserving himself by pushing you all away he needs you more than ever fill your body and mind with pure love for him and dont be put off by his responses keep telling him how much you love him he sounds like a lost soul that really needs helping x

 

[psychomom]

Oh, sweet heart!
What a very heavy burden, both the loss of your mom and the worry over your brother. ♥

And as usual, PopClick has wisdom far beyond her years.
(PC, I begin to wonder if this age you claim is true!...... )

LilSis...my little sister , I urge you to drop this burden at the foot of the cross of Jesus.

You were never meant to carry this, beloved of your Father.
I completely understand what it is to love someone, and to become concerned, and then to worry (it's my former specialty )
but this is what the Lord says:
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you r-e-s-t.
Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you shall find rest for your souls.
For My yoke is easy and My load is light." (Matt. 11:28-30)

All who come to the Lord for salvation find this rest ♥
and all who are now yoked to Him can continue to seek Him for rest.
The burdens and travails of this world are so difficult for us,
for we are but little ones.
If you saw a 3 year old child struggling to carry a 50 pound weight,
you would rush to assist!
You would not say, "Here, I will carry part of this to make it lighter."
No, you would tell this little child that (s)he should let go of this weight,
and let you take it.

Because we are still little ones, we may find it hard to let go of these things,
and it would be impossible for us to do it if not for Jesus.
But because He lives, and lives within us, we can let Him do even the work of letting go
of what we are not able to carry.

I know this is not helpful advice regarding your brother, my dear one.
And I have prayed for him, before I began to type.
But my concern is for you in this, as I see you struggling to carry that weight.
You can tell your brother how the Lord has changed your life, and speak to Him
of what the Word says about saving faith, and you can p-r-a-y for him-- but that's about it.

The beauty of it is, that the Lord is able to bear this burden,
and the Lord is able to give grace to see the Truth,
and the Lord is able to make us turn to Him in love,
and the Lord is able to change our hearts.

I am so sorry you are hurting.
I have prayed for you, and Jesus will keep you at the Throne of Grace. ♥
-ellie

 

[LilSis7]

Thanks for all advices. Yes he was very close to mother as she was only one who was really in his life beside me. Most of the family just never wanted anything to do with him until after high school. When he got kicked out of university, pretty much almost everybody shut him out of their life.
Whenever someone tries to help him, he ended up breaking agreement or just leaves.
So I’m afraid to talk about Jesus with him because everyone who tried to help him would jump on him about it and end up driving him away or making him do thing that we wish he would never have done like getting a tattoo of Buddha or dump this girl everyone adores.
But I do talk about how I believe that God would never give us more than what we can handles and how he helped me and how he helps others. He just never seems to take any of it seriously, he simply think there must be an explanation beside God.

I’m just so glad he does talk to me and even come around some time. But the more he come around and talk to me, the more I feel he’s getting to point where he’s just beyond hopeless.
Adrenaline rush overs the pain does totally make sense now that I think about it. No wonders he live for it. But I don’t get why he would sleep a married woman, especially one married to family’s close friend then hurt him when he got confronted by him?
Why would he just abandon his best friend when his best friend was going through some serious legal issue and need his help?
Why would he no longer care if people need him? We have few family members who could really use his help but he doesn’t even care anymore.
Before our mother passed away, he’d be down in heartbeat to try and help them out. Now he just takes advantage of the situation or walk away from it. It is just making me feel like he’s not the brother I know any more.

I have tried to get family to help him but most of them aren’t on good term with him at all. When I tried to talk to him about family, he just says they are just using him or trying to force him into doing things he doesn’t want to do. When I ask him about why he treat people he used to be close in the way he did, he says others have people there for them while everyone just avoid him so if they are the one who got burned they have somebody who care about them but he have no body, so he cannot afford to fail at anything.

I tried to tell him I am here for him but was told that I have a family so I have everything I need and would just abandon him in the end so it is better if he just don’t get too close. It really broke my heart.

 

[PopClick]

And as usual, PopClick has wisdom far beyond her years.
(PC, I begin to wonder if this age you claim is true!...... )

Lol! Yes ma'am, I just turned 25. But as far as any wisdom is concerned... I blame James 1:5.
"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

 

[PopClick]

I tried to tell him I am here for him but was told that I have a family so I have everything I need and would just abandon him in the end so it is better if he just don’t get too close. It really broke my heart.

I can understand you wanting to be cautious so as to not drive him further away. Please don't take it personally, that he thinks you will abandon him. Just prove him wrong! A gentle, quiet, but persistent kind of love will be hard for him to ignore. I'd call him from time to time, maybe once a week or so, and see how he's doing. Listen if he wants to talk.

Don't give up on him! Still praying for you both.

 

[psychomom]

Lol! Yes ma'am, I just turned 25. But as far as any wisdom is concerned... I blame James 1:5.
"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

Oh, you are adorable!

You blame James 1:5...I will treasure that forever as the lovely remark it truly is.
May I have as much of my character to blame on the Word of God! ♥

 

[psychomom]

Thanks for all advices. Yes he was very close to mother as she was only one who was really in his life beside me. Most of the family just never wanted anything to do with him until after high school. When he got kicked out of university, pretty much almost everybody shut him out of their life.
Whenever someone tries to help him, he ended up breaking agreement or just leaves.
So I’m afraid to talk about Jesus with him because everyone who tried to help him would jump on him about it and end up driving him away or making him do thing that we wish he would never have done like getting a tattoo of Buddha or dump this girl everyone adores.
But I do talk about how I believe that God would never give us more than what we can handles and how he helped me and how he helps others. He just never seems to take any of it seriously, he simply think there must be an explanation beside God.

I’m just so glad he does talk to me and even come around some time. But the more he come around and talk to me, the more I feel he’s getting to point where he’s just beyond hopeless.
Adrenaline rush overs the pain does totally make sense now that I think about it. No wonders he live for it. But I don’t get why he would sleep a married woman, especially one married to family’s close friend then hurt him when he got confronted by him?
Why would he just abandon his best friend when his best friend was going through some serious legal issue and need his help?
Why would he no longer care if people need him? We have few family members who could really use his help but he doesn’t even care anymore.
Before our mother passed away, he’d be down in heartbeat to try and help them out. Now he just takes advantage of the situation or walk away from it. It is just making me feel like he’s not the brother I know any more.

I have tried to get family to help him but most of them aren’t on good term with him at all. When I tried to talk to him about family, he just says they are just using him or trying to force him into doing things he doesn’t want to do. When I ask him about why he treat people he used to be close in the way he did, he says others have people there for them while everyone just avoid him so if they are the one who got burned they have somebody who care about them but he have no body, so he cannot afford to fail at anything.

I tried to tell him I am here for him but was told that I have a family so I have everything I need and would just abandon him in the end so it is better if he just don’t get too close. It really broke my heart.

I guess it's pretty much psych 101 that when we are young, we tend to fulfill the expectations of others, whether for good or ill.
My best friends called me "the nego-queen" because I was such a downer! (I'm now a recovering nego-queen, by God's grace.)
My mom just built the negativity into my sisters and me, not that I blame her, as her mom did it to her, and who knows how far back that goes.
And none of it was even recognized, let alone intentional.

But if your brother, when he failed to 'perform' received not love, but rejection, this may explain some of his behaviors. Poor boy!
And relating to my nego-queen confession...maybe he's afraid to hope? I know I was, and it was easier to think it was practicality than a lack of trust in God. You see, I was saved. But how are we to expect Christlikeness from the lost, when even those of us in Christ cannot 'perform'?

So I masked my lack of hope (for which I was without excuse yet thoroughly loved and forgiven by God) in "being realistic", and maybe your brother hides his hopelessness in different ways. It's one thing to know that you were hopeless before Jesus saved you, and quite another to BE hopeless (without Christ) and not have even a little trickle of hope pouring into your heart from the grace and mercy and love of God. I am glad you wrote further. My heart quite breaks for this poor child.
As I know yours does, too. ♥

And I understand that you don't feel it's wise to preach Jesus at him. It's perhaps best for now to just love him.
As much as you can, as often as you see or talk to him, just love him. Maybe it's best not to remonstrate or admonish or preach but just to let him know he is of great value to you, and that you are so glad he's in your life.

I think he pretends he doesn't care (and may not even be aware of it)...but even if he truly didn't, could we blame him? He has no Holy Spirit in his heart to guide him, so the fact he's not pillaging and sacking villages is pretty great, really.
You know what I mean...he sounds like a very hurt little boy lashing out. And though he is an adult, and we may think he 'should' act differently, you can offer him grace, just as God does us. I totally sympathize with your frustration and questions, but...
Maybe if he has some time when just one person loves him without expecting anything from him, he will begin to see why Jesus is so beautiful to us?

I will pray for that,
ellie

 

[kenisyes]

Thanks for all advices.

1. Yes he was very close to mother as she was only one who was really in his life beside me. Most of the family just never wanted anything to do with him until after high school. When he got kicked out of university, pretty much almost everybody shut him out of their life.
2. Whenever someone tries to help him, he ended up breaking agreement or just leaves.
3. So I’m afraid to talk about Jesus with him because everyone who tried to help him would jump on him about it and end up driving him away or making him do thing that we wish he would never have done like getting a tattoo of Buddha or dump this girl everyone adores.
But I do talk about how I believe that God would never give us more than what we can handles and how he helped me and how he helps others. He just never seems to take any of it seriously, he simply think there must be an explanation beside God.

4. I’m just so glad he does talk to me and even come around some time. But the more he come around and talk to me, the more I feel he’s getting to point where he’s just beyond hopeless.
Adrenaline rush overs the pain does totally make sense now that I think about it. No wonders he live for it.
5. But I don’t get why he would sleep a married woman, especially one married to family’s close friend then hurt him when he got confronted by him?
6.Why would he just abandon his best friend when his best friend was going through some serious legal issue and need his help?
7.Why would he no longer care if people need him? We have few family members who could really use his help but he doesn’t even care anymore.
Before our mother passed away, he’d be down in heartbeat to try and help them out. Now he just takes advantage of the situation or walk away from it. It is just making me feel like he’s not the brother I know any more.

I'll take a couple guesses, but remember that's what they are.

I think he is marching to the "beat of a different drummer", one he associates with mother. Maybe something he feels he learned from her that he believes none of the others either didn't hear or didn't care to act on. He has staked his life on the drumbeat he is hearing. You mentioned that he made a good living doing things his own way - that proves to his own mind that the drummer he hears is right.

Here would be his explanations:
1. Kicked out of school and the rest of the family rejected him. That proves you never understood what he understood.
2. If you don't hear the drummer he hears, you can't help him. He must find his own way.
3. Rejecting God is rejecting God as you all see God. Without hearing his drummer, you cannot know what he is hearing.
4. He really wants his family. He just wishes they weren't all so deaf to that drummer.
5. He's proving his drummer trumps your traditions.
6. He can't handle any more than his own problems right now. Maybe, the legal problem would not occur if his friend followed the drummer.
7. Until he can figure out why none of you can hear what he hears, he can't risk helping you. To do so might cause him to lose the sound of that drummer, which is all he has left of your mother.

 

[Lucy68]

Wow, it sounds like he's in a lot of pain. Like Bobo says, just keep loving him. And pray for him. Could it be that bitterness and resentment has really distorted his view of the world and made him reject all relationships? Does he think that everybody's out to get him in some way?

Counseling may help if you can convince him to seek it. He is blessed to have you as a sister .