I
I have spent the better part of the last 48 hours wondering why I have felt so off,why I've been sad...and then last night it all came down on me like a tidal wave. The realization,or maybe the root of why I feel so crummy inside.
I'm making this post,because in some strange way I feel I owe it to some of you. I've tried to be as transparent as possible. I realize that I don't fit in. Not in CC. Not in the world. Not with most Christians. Not in life,in general.
Some of this hit me as I sat in chat the past week. Listening to others & reading the words being said. I just felt so void. I keep asking myself "What am I doing here?"
Over my year & a half on CC I have done more harm than good. Even by causing one person to stumble or stray from the Lord is one too many. I have been told that I make people jealous. Been told that I stir up in them bad memories from their past relationships,and most recently (and the most painful of all) that I am giving a false hope to someone by even mentioning some sort of future possibility of a relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. I don't believe that me being here truly benefits anyone,other than occasional amusement.
My life the past 3 years has been nothing short of utter failure and sadness,with the exception of my realization & acceptance of falling in love with my best friend. I have cried out to God so many times,and I still feel as though I hear nothing. I know He's real,I just don't know how to ever understand what the point of all this is.
If I can't have happiness here on earth,then I long for the day to be with Him. Free from all this sadness. I truly do want to sing a new song unto Him. I just don't know how.
For all the friends I had in my life...family...church body that have told me I was a blessing and/or were happy to know & have me in their lives...there have been as many that have basically told me that I was a terrible person. Even those that have never taken the time to get to know me have acted as though I was the devil incarnate.
Unfortunately as much as I try to dismiss such things as from the devil,or try to renew my mind of how God sees me...there's always someone who pops up & reminds me how utterly worthless I am. I know I should move on...not receive those negative words from others,but with all the pressure and sadness these past 3 years,I feel it's all just taken it's toll on me. I am tired of crying. Most of all,I am tired of making those I love sad. I know we are to bear one another's burdens,but no one deserves to be subjected to the maelstrom of ME!
The song below pretty much describes better than I ever could in my own words of how I feel now.
This post isn't to gain sympathy,or even ask for prayer. I just wanted to tell you what was going on,if anyone wonders where I vanished off to..to say thank you,to those of you who took the time to get to know the real me and showed me kindness.
Goodbye,for now.
~ J.
I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel shine
Through the dark times even when I lose my mind
But it feels like no one in the world is listening
And I can't ever seem to make the right decisions
I walk around in the same haze
I'm still caught in my same ways
I'm losing time in these strange days
But somehow I always know the right things to say
I don't know what time it is
Or who's the one to blame for this
Do I believe what I can't see?
And how do you know which way the wind blows?
Cause I can feel it all around
I'm lost between the sound
And just when I think I know there she goes
Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, so long
Goodbye for now
(I'm not the type to say "I told you so")
Goodbye for now, so long
(I think the hardest part of holdin' on is lettin' it go)
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
We're still smilin' as the day goes by
And how come nobody ever knows the reasons why?
Bury you deep so far that you can't see
If you're like me who wears a broken heart on your sleeve
Pains is troubles that you know so well
Either time don't, it can't, or it just won't tell
I'm not the type to say "I told you so"
I think the hardest part of holdin' on is lettin' it go
I don't know what time it is
Or who's the one to blame for this
Do I believe what I can't see?
And how do you know which way the wind blows?
Cause I can feel it all around
I'm lost between the sound
And just when I think I know there she goes
Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, so long
Goodbye for now
(I'm not the type to say, "I told you so")
Goodbye for now, so long
(I think the hardest part of holdin' on is lettin' it go)
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
And you can sing until there's no song left
And I can scream until the world goes deaf
For every other word left unsaid
You shoulda took the time to read the signs and see what it meant
In some ways everybody feels alone
So if the burden is mine then I can carry my own
If joy really comes in the morning time
Then I'ma sit back and wait until the next sunrise
Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, so long
Goodbye for now
(I'm not the type to say, "I told you so")
Goodbye for now, so long
(I think the hardest part of holdin' on is lettin' it go)
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
[video=youtube_share;plGETDmXw5g]http://youtu.be/plGETDmXw5g[/video]
I'm making this post,because in some strange way I feel I owe it to some of you. I've tried to be as transparent as possible. I realize that I don't fit in. Not in CC. Not in the world. Not with most Christians. Not in life,in general.
Some of this hit me as I sat in chat the past week. Listening to others & reading the words being said. I just felt so void. I keep asking myself "What am I doing here?"
Over my year & a half on CC I have done more harm than good. Even by causing one person to stumble or stray from the Lord is one too many. I have been told that I make people jealous. Been told that I stir up in them bad memories from their past relationships,and most recently (and the most painful of all) that I am giving a false hope to someone by even mentioning some sort of future possibility of a relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. I don't believe that me being here truly benefits anyone,other than occasional amusement.
My life the past 3 years has been nothing short of utter failure and sadness,with the exception of my realization & acceptance of falling in love with my best friend. I have cried out to God so many times,and I still feel as though I hear nothing. I know He's real,I just don't know how to ever understand what the point of all this is.
If I can't have happiness here on earth,then I long for the day to be with Him. Free from all this sadness. I truly do want to sing a new song unto Him. I just don't know how.
For all the friends I had in my life...family...church body that have told me I was a blessing and/or were happy to know & have me in their lives...there have been as many that have basically told me that I was a terrible person. Even those that have never taken the time to get to know me have acted as though I was the devil incarnate.
Unfortunately as much as I try to dismiss such things as from the devil,or try to renew my mind of how God sees me...there's always someone who pops up & reminds me how utterly worthless I am. I know I should move on...not receive those negative words from others,but with all the pressure and sadness these past 3 years,I feel it's all just taken it's toll on me. I am tired of crying. Most of all,I am tired of making those I love sad. I know we are to bear one another's burdens,but no one deserves to be subjected to the maelstrom of ME!
The song below pretty much describes better than I ever could in my own words of how I feel now.
This post isn't to gain sympathy,or even ask for prayer. I just wanted to tell you what was going on,if anyone wonders where I vanished off to..to say thank you,to those of you who took the time to get to know the real me and showed me kindness.
Goodbye,for now.
~ J.
I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel shine
Through the dark times even when I lose my mind
But it feels like no one in the world is listening
And I can't ever seem to make the right decisions
I walk around in the same haze
I'm still caught in my same ways
I'm losing time in these strange days
But somehow I always know the right things to say
I don't know what time it is
Or who's the one to blame for this
Do I believe what I can't see?
And how do you know which way the wind blows?
Cause I can feel it all around
I'm lost between the sound
And just when I think I know there she goes
Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, so long
Goodbye for now
(I'm not the type to say "I told you so")
Goodbye for now, so long
(I think the hardest part of holdin' on is lettin' it go)
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
We're still smilin' as the day goes by
And how come nobody ever knows the reasons why?
Bury you deep so far that you can't see
If you're like me who wears a broken heart on your sleeve
Pains is troubles that you know so well
Either time don't, it can't, or it just won't tell
I'm not the type to say "I told you so"
I think the hardest part of holdin' on is lettin' it go
I don't know what time it is
Or who's the one to blame for this
Do I believe what I can't see?
And how do you know which way the wind blows?
Cause I can feel it all around
I'm lost between the sound
And just when I think I know there she goes
Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, so long
Goodbye for now
(I'm not the type to say, "I told you so")
Goodbye for now, so long
(I think the hardest part of holdin' on is lettin' it go)
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
And you can sing until there's no song left
And I can scream until the world goes deaf
For every other word left unsaid
You shoulda took the time to read the signs and see what it meant
In some ways everybody feels alone
So if the burden is mine then I can carry my own
If joy really comes in the morning time
Then I'ma sit back and wait until the next sunrise
Goodbye for now
Goodbye for now, so long
Goodbye for now
(I'm not the type to say, "I told you so")
Goodbye for now, so long
(I think the hardest part of holdin' on is lettin' it go)
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
When will we sing a new song, a new song?
[video=youtube_share;plGETDmXw5g]http://youtu.be/plGETDmXw5g[/video]