Jordache, it took me many years to find peace with my past, trying to figure out how to see or place my father and what he did.
The scars and injuries so great, I wondered often if there was anything left to see in me, for I always felt I lost myself somewhere along the way.
Jesus kept me going, but I struggled as I believed I had no value except in what others demanded of me, unless I was needed, I was nothing.
My life has been filled with alot of inury and sorrow, but Jesus has brought me though it all, and turned those sorrows into joy.
And given me peace with my dad, and all the others that brought injury.
There were several points where I wanted to die like you do, I was just tired of the pain, there was nothing left in me.
But I came to see these time where I was so empty, were the times that Jesus set His greatest healing in me, for when one is empty, Jesus fills with His love and grace.
I know what it is to lay on the floor, so broken and in so much pain I could not even cry out.
But in time, I learned to praise God.
I know it sounds redicules, but it is trully the mirical I sought in Jesus.
I remember the first time, I was so ready to give up and die, but the scripture, give unto the Lord a sacrifice of praise was set before me.
So I figured, what have I to loose, Ill obey.
Well the long and short of it is that Jesus lifted me up out of the muck and mire, and filled me with His healing love.
Some things were healed right away, some things took time and many more nights of crying out to Him.
But since, Jesus continues to heal.
The scripture ( He shall bring you through many waters) is sorta the hope I cling to, simply because many waters means the effects of the world and those that seek to crush kill, destroy and confuse.
Jordache, I do not know if sharing this helps you at all, you might even be dissmissing everything Ive said.
I know as I did myself when I was so broken.
All I can do is share my heart with you in Jesus, in the hope that His love will be witnessed to you, and pour out upon you.
Because thats all one can do, is their best, and trust Jesus to make it all good and fruitful.
I just want you to know that I see in you a gentle and careing soul, who wants only to stop the pain, not just for herself, but for others as well.
I see a barely newborn heart, so timid, yet filled often with a desire so overwhelming, that you barely understand it yourself.
But there is a hunger in you to not just have healing and love in your own life, but to bring this to others who have been injured.
I see Jesus bringing you to be a warrior for those like you who had no one to fight for them, and a life that although will still have sorrows, will be filled with a courage, streangth and grace that will bring the message of Jesus's healing love to many , and a steadfast heart in Jesus that will sustain you through any trial.
The love of Jesus shines brightly in you, let Jesus bring His work to compleation in you.
It is painful right now, but pulling of the bandages so the wounds can be cleaned and properly cared for hurts.
Let Jesus bring His healing in you, for you have nothing to lose, and so much to gain in Jesus.
I continue to pray for you, because, you are my sister in Jesus.
In the love of Jesus.
sending huge and gentle hugs
God bless
pickles
