Having a really hard time deciding should i stay or go? I need help!

[kareuh]

OK so heres my problem... im married and have been married for 3 yrs now. been together for 5. he asked me to marry him after being together for 2 months.anyways. in the beginning everything was pretty okay.. he had just gotten custody of his son when we got together, i was okay with that. i am very attached to his son now, he IS my son basically. because he knows no different. And my husband is a functioning alchoholic i guess? he drinks beer like its what keeps him alive. he says it makes him calmer and think straight..but i just see it as a big problem.. he has a verrryyy bad temper. not hitting people. but he doesnt like to be told he is wrong, or really doesnt like to be TOLD anyything.. i cant even have any kind of conversation with him without him getting even a little angry at me. he has thrown things, punchedd walls. all that dramatic stuff. ive been seeing a lot of selfishness in him lately. he puts his needs before his kids and mine. he has had a tough family life, his dad is really controlling and back and forth on what he says.. my husband is a lot like his father. and it scares me. i dont want to spend the rest of my life waiting for my husband to change or better himself. because He honestly thinks he does not need ot change. he calls me names, stupid and many more i wouldnt dare tell anyone. he says ugly things to his kids too. BUT its like is he really just wanting to hurt us or is it the only way he knows how to deal with stress? he will not go to church with me, many times he has blamed me going to church for my stupidity or whatever.He is a good person, he can be. or he was. but he is so stressed out and confused and he just never got to grow up. and i am completely sick of living each day of my life like this, leaving is all i think about everyday. i talk myself into it, out of it. over and over. I know I cant fix him, and im trying to continue to live a godly life. but his anger and stress just seeps into me. and my brain is all jumbled. and i feel guilty and selfish for wanting to leave when i think of my kids. (we have a daughter together). I Want better for me and my kids though!...i dont know i just need input. i ask God daily for help..and i just dont know what he wants of me.

 

[Ozgirl]

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Let me tell you you're not alone I am going through similar things I think about leaving everyday too but want to do the right thing so I know the battle of the mind and heart that you are facing. I don't have any advice on what to do I'm sure like me you are praying and know that it is not you that can change him only God can if he lets him in.

It's extremely hard and hurtful especially when there are kids involved. I worry what will be broken next. If you need to talk you can private message me anytime! It helps just to talk to someone going through similar things without being questioned or judged.
x

 

[brokenclay]

5 Ways of Dealing with Verbally Abusive Relationships - HealthyPlace
Dear Sister; here is a sight to check out. There may be some topics regarding alcoholics as well and how to deal with your situation. Apart from that check out Christian counselling sites. As this Forum has no Christian counsellors but we who are struggling with our spouses or any other issues; will give our opinions or bible verses to comfort you. We can pray for you and your husband. Blessings; brokenclay.

 

[Catalyst]

Marriage is a tribulation-

1 Corinthians 7: 27 Are you bound to a wife? Stop seeking a release. Are you freed from a wife? Stop seeking a wife. 28 But even if you did marry, you would commit no sin. And if a virgin married, such a person would commit no sin. However, those who do will have tribulation in their flesh. But I am trying to spare you.

I was single until I was 35- Which was when I decided it was important to me (shamefully, due to vanity-just being honest) to have children. I had observed my friends who married in their late teens and early twenties. They were in endless turmoil and their children suffered right along with them and the majority ended in broken homes. The father not being able to raise his children and the mother using them as weapons against him. I had no desire to subject myself to that, it was horrible enough just being in close proximity to it.
When I finally decided I really wanted children, I had a long talk with myself. Making sure I understood what it was going to take to make it work (if it was even possible at all) Here I need to interject that although always loving God and whole heartedly believing in him and all that goes with that- the good and the consequences of an unrighteous lifestyle. I was a blatant sinner. Not with malice toward God- my guilt was constant. Still, I loved both physically and emotionally, many, many women. I was a shameless womanizer.
In those days, I had given up on myself, not God. I dated lived with only "bad-bad, girls", yet I put up with nothing "kicking them to the curb" as the saying goes, without hesitation or mercy a trait I learned from watching "them". I never lied to or wronged them first. Still I knew they would always offer me a "guiltless" way out. I played in bands and "roamed the Earth" waiting for Armageddon to come and put me out of my misery, knowing I deserved whatever punishment God dealt me. Still never not reading his word prayerfully. There's no hiding, tricking or lying to God. This is His rock and he see's all we think, feel and do. Even in the midst of my sin my thought's were on him, seeing me. I waited for him to strike me down and from time to time (not suicide) even sought death, placing myself in deadly situations.
Still at 35, I wasn't dead, and as my best friend said to me once "you always live, like you won't see the end of the week. What are you going to do if you mess around and live to be old?" I had no plan for that. I had done about all I ever wanted. So after dating countless women- never putting up with anything- I asked myself "why not do the opposite of what you've always done? See what happens if you don't break up at the drop of a hat." Just like some people hit the "money lottery" some people do with marriage. Most of us don't. Having been in so many relationships I knew each was almost just like the last- plenty of problems. See we (humans) are hard to live with. We are good at spotting other peoples flaws rarely asking what misery we may be causing someone else.
The old cliche is amazingly true "the grass is always greener". Three kids and twelve-thirteen years later still with the same woman (plenty of hard/rough bad times- that I've had to remind myself of my children and my little talk with myself) I know that relationships of any kind are tough. I got into this for my children- God is watching. The grass is not greener.
The reason God said till death do you part- is because as long as any of the three (or more) of you are alive, you will have to deal with one another. The child(ren) are the ones who pay the cost of our inability to find the bright side and MAKE it work. Dont look at T.V. and movies and think thats how love should be. Real love takes work and sacrifice. Marriage is not 50/50. It's frequently 20/80 and 90/10 and often that way for a while and when your on the 90 side of that ratio it's no fun and it's often hard to realize when we are only giving 10 or 20. Giving up is easy and without reward. You never know what amazing things can come from sticking to something.

 

[MyPottersClay]

I am going through a similar situation however my wife had a different addiction. The dilemma is understanding God has a purpose and a plan for each of His children and for one He may want them to stay and another He may have a different direction. It would be inappropriate for anyone to decisively instruct you on a cookie cutter answer. Our brothers and sisters in Christ can lend their support, comfort and prayers, however ultimately you have to seek what His will is for you. What I suggest is this: we have the Holy Spirit living inside of us which means when confronted with sin we get an uneasy feeling, a sense of discomfort. (imagine a magnet repelling against another)This is one way He guides us. Pick a direction and take a step and if it has that feel of wrong step back. He will never fault us for trying to find our way down the path he has chosen for us.

 

[Nice_Lady]

Catalyst is right. Well you all know that God hate devorce exept for adultery. I am sorry you didnt saw your husband that he love alcohol. But we all do mistakes and often close our eyes because of our sinful nature. Yes God is able to change and make a dead alive but what if He want you to test you as a gold in fire? Some people separate and after the man try to be changed but it last a month and then all the same behaviyor. But at least you can try a week. Make it looks like "forever". If he makes adultery you are free to go in the God s eyes. Take heart Daughter! God is with you!

 

[tourist]

This is my recommendation based on what you have wrote. You first must find a place of safety for you and the children. Separate yourself from this man for a period of time. Try to be a friend to him but only through phone calls. I understand full well the destructive nature of alcoholic and know that few have it in themselves to change. I suggest that you give him a year to be alone with his thoughts and what he tried to destroy by his selfish addiction to alcohol. Pray for him and yourself everyday. At the end of a year if there is no chance of a lasting change in your husband you should see a divorce lawyer. You and the children deserve better than having a lifetime of mental anguish. I have serious doubt on whether God has truly joined the two of you in marriage. This sounds to me like a civil arrangement that did not have a chance from the start. I have to believe that what God wants for you at this moment is for you and the children to flee from this nightmare.

 

[Dan58]

i am completely sick of living each day of my life like this, leaving is all i think about everyday..... i ask God daily for help..and i just dont know what he wants of me.

Perhaps God has given you your answer? Your daily desire to leave everyday may be an unction of the Holy Spirit. You can't fix another persons addiction, your environment was your choice from the beginning, and its your choice now. Good luck.