Heavenly Jokes

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Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#1
Aug 13, 2014
24,923
8,170
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#1
We all know a few jokes about St. Peter standing at those Pearly Gates. (That's not biblical of course, but hush and enjoy the joke anyway.) :p I bet I know some you've never heard and you know some I don't know, so let's hear them.


There was this bus full of ministers on their way home from a convention and it took a dive off a cliff. All those ministers and their wives suddenly found themselves in Heaven, lined up to check in.

St. Peter checked the record books for the first minister and said, "Whoops! Sorry reverend, I can't let you in. It says here you have a secret sin, gossip. You never gossiped yourself but you love to hear it, and you heard it a lot as a pastor with all the complaining people do. In fact the records show you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Gabby."

As the first minister headed for the elevator going down, St. Peter checked the records on the second and said, "I can't believe it, two in a row! Sorry pastor but the records show you have a secret sin too, the love of money. You never had a lot of it but in your heart you really lusted for it. In fact you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Penney."

The third pastor looked at his wife and said, "Come on Fanny, we might as well leave."
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#2
Aug 13, 2014
24,923
8,170
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#2
Then there was this one guy who approached St. Peter one day wanting to be admitted to Heaven. St. Peter checked the records and couldn't find anything about this guy. "I'm sorry sir, I can't let you in. I'd love to help you but there's no record of anything redeeming you have done."

The guy said "Well there is one thing. One day I saw a little old lady being mugged by some goons. I walked right up to the toughest one, ripped the earing out of his ear and told him to leave the lady alone."

"Wow" said St. Peter, "That IS impressive. When did this happen?"

"Oh about two minutes ago."
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#3
Aug 13, 2014
24,923
8,170
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#3
Then there's the guy who walked up to St. Peter. Peter said, "Name and occupation?"

The guy said, "I'm Charles St. Vincent and I used to be a window washer, but I gave it up."

"When did you give that up?"

"About halfway down."
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#4
Aug 13, 2014
24,923
8,170
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#4
One day a Texan died. Well, even Texans aren't immortal. Of course all Texans go to Heaven, but this time there was a transportation mix-up and he got delivered to the wrong place. Calls were made, angels and demons got fired and went on unemployment and arrangements were made to have the Texan shipped up on the next bus.

But while the Texan was down there, the devil thought he might have a little fun with the guy. He turned the thermostat up a bit, then he casually walked past the Texan and said, "Hot enough for you?"

The Texan said, "Nah, spring of '83 was warmer than this."

This stung the devil's pride a bit, so he turned the thermostat up a bit more and walked past the Texan again. "Hmm, sure is hot today."

The Texan said, "Not even! The summer of '76 was hotter."

The devil thought to himself, "Okay no more fooling around" and he turned the thermostat up as high as it would go. Then he walked past the Texan again and said, "Man, sure is a warm day."

The Texan wiped some sweat off his face and said, "Yeah it is a bit warm. But I mind the fall of '92 was just a touch warmer."

The devil got disgusted and stomped off. He went over to the thermostat and turned it all the way down. Overnight... yup, hell froze over. The next morning the devil woke up and heard an awful commotion outside. He looked out the window and saw the Texan jumping up and down, yelling "THE RANGERS WON THE PENNANT! THE RANGERS WON THE PENNANT!"

Well... that's when they said it would happen. :cool:
 
S

Siberian_Khatru

Guest
#5
#5
Are comics okay? ;) (Look at who I'm asking...)
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#6
Aug 13, 2014
24,923
8,170
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#6
I think it would be very hypocritical if I said no...
 
Y

Yahweh_is_gracious

Guest
#9
#9
These are jokes, and should be taken as such:

If you go fishing with a Mormon, always take two Mormons. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.

Did you hear that scientists are going to stop using mice for experiments and use Mormons instead? Mormons reproduce faster, and the scientists don't get fond of them quite as much.

What's the difference between Baptists and Catholics? Catholics will still say "hello" to each other when they meet at the liquor store.
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#10
Apr 7, 2014
25,045
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#10
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing an d telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and this time, no golf course, no lobster, caviar or champagne.

He sees fire and brimstone and all his friends are in misery!

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time . Now all I see is fire and brimstone and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..... Today you voted."
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#11
Apr 7, 2014
25,045
13,052
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#11
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Who was the greatest investor in the Bible?
A. Noah: He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#12
Apr 7, 2014
25,045
13,052
113
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#12
Top Ten Ways You Know You're in a Bad Church

10. The church bus has gun racks

9. Staff consists of "Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor"

8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version"

7. Their is an ATM in the lobby

6. Services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake"

5. The choir wears leather robes

4. There is no cover charge, but communion is a 2 drink minimum

3. They have karaoke worship time

2. Ushers ask "Smoking or Non-Smoking?"

1. The only song the church organist knows is "Innagaddadavita"
 
1

17Bees

Senior Member
#13
Oct 14, 2016
1,363
803
113
#13
A very rich and stingy man knew he was facing death and cashed all his money and belongings in for solid gold bars. He packed the bars in every pocket and filled his suitcases and clutched them tight and then died.

St. Peter met him at the gate and said "Wow! I see you managed to bring some of your stuff with you!. That's a first. Letssee whatcha got here....

(Peter rummages and finds the gold)

"You brought pavement??"
 
BillG

BillG

Senior Member
#14
Feb 15, 2017
8,880
4,334
113
#14
Well, Forrest Gump passed away and then arrived at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter himself who said, "It's good to finally meet you Forrest. I've heard so much about you! But unfortunately we have been crowded lately and have created an admittance test.

There are only three questions on the test, but you need to get them all right to get in Heaven." Forrest replied, "Well I ain't much good at questions but I'll try."

And so St. Peter asked the first question, "The first question is how many days are there in a week that start with 't' and what are they?" Forrest thought for a couple of minutes and then answered, "Well the only answer I can think of is two, Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter replied, "Well I never thought of it that way, but I guess that's right."

So Peter asked the next question, "How many seconds are there in a year?" Forrest thought for about five minutes, then said, "The only answer I can think of for that is 12." Peter said, "How can it possibly 12?" Forrest answered, "Well January 2nd, Febuary 2nd, March 2nd..."
"Hmm... I guess that makes sense, and now for the final question,

What is God's first name?" Well Forrest pondered and pondered about that question and finally said, "Is it Andy, sir?" Peter replied, I can see how you got the days and seconds answers, but how did you come up with Andy?!?"

Forrest then replied (in song) "Andy walked with me, Andy talked with me, Andy told that I was his very own." Peter, who was shocked, answered "I see how got that and I will accept it as an answer!"

The gates to Heaven opened and St. Peter cried out go, "Enter Heaven, and run, Forrest, run!!!"
 
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