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What the **** is wrong with me. I'm crazy. Neurotic. Jagged. Broken. Shattered. TORN.
My life is a big catastrophe. I jump from one disaster scene to the next, from horror story to depressing drama to sad love story to rehab, relapse, rehab again and then I move on to a whole new level of ****ed up... The world of adult entertainment. Why why why why WHY am I so LOST. I'm back in the horror film segment of my life. I'm with my family. I left Las Vegas and moved to a small town in 100 mile because I couldn't bring myself to sell my body and ignore Gods calling anymore. But now as I float here in the light of the love of my family and Gods will, darkness creeps and seeps through the cracks of my broken heart, tearing at my soul and torturing my mind with temptation frustration and worst of all; my past. It Dosent just go away, it dosent just vanish into fairy dust just because I decided to give the straight and narrow a try. I'm a haunted and tormented woman. I'm a blessed and gifted woman. I'm a confused and lost soul. I'm a young girl whose desire to live is growing old. I threw away the vital years of my youth, sold them for a few dollars, glamour glitter fortune and fame... But now all I have is a few dollars and shame, and none of it makes any sense. I'm drowning in confusion and suffering from dillusion, the enemy wants me back. I'm being pulled in two different directions. Do you know how humbling it is to go from making 10k a month and living large to moving back with your MOM and half siblings and creepy step father?!?! From having enough money to do whatever I want to handing out RESUMES at the local mills and Getting regected by the snobby secretary? My ego is screaming in excruciating pain, my pride is no more. Only bitterness. And a desire to be made clean, get my life together, figure out a career and bear witness to the rest of the broken hearts and lost souls out there struggling. Oh God please give me strength, you see my struggle and hear my thoughts. Nothing is hidden from you.
My life is a big catastrophe. I jump from one disaster scene to the next, from horror story to depressing drama to sad love story to rehab, relapse, rehab again and then I move on to a whole new level of ****ed up... The world of adult entertainment. Why why why why WHY am I so LOST. I'm back in the horror film segment of my life. I'm with my family. I left Las Vegas and moved to a small town in 100 mile because I couldn't bring myself to sell my body and ignore Gods calling anymore. But now as I float here in the light of the love of my family and Gods will, darkness creeps and seeps through the cracks of my broken heart, tearing at my soul and torturing my mind with temptation frustration and worst of all; my past. It Dosent just go away, it dosent just vanish into fairy dust just because I decided to give the straight and narrow a try. I'm a haunted and tormented woman. I'm a blessed and gifted woman. I'm a confused and lost soul. I'm a young girl whose desire to live is growing old. I threw away the vital years of my youth, sold them for a few dollars, glamour glitter fortune and fame... But now all I have is a few dollars and shame, and none of it makes any sense. I'm drowning in confusion and suffering from dillusion, the enemy wants me back. I'm being pulled in two different directions. Do you know how humbling it is to go from making 10k a month and living large to moving back with your MOM and half siblings and creepy step father?!?! From having enough money to do whatever I want to handing out RESUMES at the local mills and Getting regected by the snobby secretary? My ego is screaming in excruciating pain, my pride is no more. Only bitterness. And a desire to be made clean, get my life together, figure out a career and bear witness to the rest of the broken hearts and lost souls out there struggling. Oh God please give me strength, you see my struggle and hear my thoughts. Nothing is hidden from you.