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I am hoping to find some fellowship. I am feeling fairly alone and wounded. I have been married for 18 years, separated since February 7th, 2017. My husband has had 5 affairs that I know about over the years, the last one nearly killed me- October of 2009. This one he slept with and worked with. Two years before that, he left me and our kids and drove to Virginia, wouldn't take my calls- he was playing this stupid final fantasy game online for 8-12 hours a day. ( I kid you not). Well, supposedly- he had an online wife and drove up there to meet with her in person. It was absolutely crazy. I thought it was me. I lost weight- wasn't big to begin with, worked out all the time, bought his favorite foods, pretty much gave him 110% of my attention for two years to be slapped in the face with another affair. I forgave all of that but in April of 2016, the FBI raided our home and charged him with 5 felony counts of 2nd and 3rd degree exploitation of a minor. Our kids were not hurt (thank God!). AND NO- I had NO IDEA he was watching child porn. I trusted him again. I had no clue. It NEVER even crossed my mind.
I have a Master's degree in Special Education, I achieved National Board standards on my first attempt. I come from a Christian home with parents that have been married for 52 years. I had a good childhood. I thought I did everything right- college, then marriage, then children. I married a Christian (I thought). I am just trying to explain that none of this was done on a whim. We had infertility issues and adopted our first child Hanna. I had one good egg- our son Hayden is now 10 years old.
As I write this, I am just so angry at myself. I wish I left him in 2009. I was still young and pretty, my kids were little, they wouldn't have even remembered him. But no- I stayed thinking God hates divorce and we would pull through this and he would have a tremendous testimony.
The kicker for me. After his affair in 2009, I put God first in my life. Or I tried. I don't get out of bed w/o reading a bible verse and praying. I was EXTREMELY involved with our church, working in the nursery- his crime- shamed me, broke my heart, sickened me. I spent hours holding infants and toddlers, sometimes I would just rock them and pray for them and their parents, their future- everything. Both our children are saved, if they were to die right now- they would go straight to the arms of Jesus. That sort of sustained me. I thought to myself, if all my heartache is what it took to get my butt back into church and start to put God first- it was worth it. My children's souls of course are worth it.
However, after his arrest, I was a little angry with God. I was like, really Lord? really? - I mean it is getting hard to consider my trials pure joy. My husband went from making $82,000 a year to $3,500 last year and ZERO this year. He may never work again. And, you did read that I am a teacher, right? I am not hung up on money but I do want to help my kids with college and be able to provide for them.
If I had left him in 2009, my 10 year old son wouldn't even remember him. Now, I have to deal with his heart break. Him and his dad were best friends. I have never seen a son/father closer. My 10 year old cannot possibly understand all of this AND- he blames me. I can take it, I am tough, but sometimes- it does overwhelm me with sadness.
Did I mention that after we separated on 2/7- my husband overdosed on sleeping pills and nearly died- ON MY BIRTHDAY? If I had not have found him, he would have died. His blood pressure was 35/50- he spent the night in ICU. His mental health has deteriorated since his arrest. I was trying to carry all this pressure, still work, care for kids and actually living with a crazy person. He went coo coo. The Dr. doubled his prozac and it sent him into a medicated manic state. He was driving me crazy. He never was easy to live with to begin with, but wow- it went downhill.
Well, that is my story in a nutshell. Go ahead and put me at the head of the class as the dumbest person on these boards. I cannot believe this is my life and/or my story. Just write STUPID on my forehead and call it a day. In the meantime, I am still in church- still putting God first. I do believe God is good and all of our needs are being met. My kids are happy and healthy. I have had them to a Christian counselor. I have a good family, parents live 2 miles away and step up to help, no matter what I need. I feel bad that I take advantage of them so much. Our home was nearly paid off so I refinanced and my house payment is around $400 now- so, we can make it on my salary.
Anyway- I look forward to maybe helping others here and helping myself too.
Thanks for reading.
I have a Master's degree in Special Education, I achieved National Board standards on my first attempt. I come from a Christian home with parents that have been married for 52 years. I had a good childhood. I thought I did everything right- college, then marriage, then children. I married a Christian (I thought). I am just trying to explain that none of this was done on a whim. We had infertility issues and adopted our first child Hanna. I had one good egg- our son Hayden is now 10 years old.
As I write this, I am just so angry at myself. I wish I left him in 2009. I was still young and pretty, my kids were little, they wouldn't have even remembered him. But no- I stayed thinking God hates divorce and we would pull through this and he would have a tremendous testimony.
The kicker for me. After his affair in 2009, I put God first in my life. Or I tried. I don't get out of bed w/o reading a bible verse and praying. I was EXTREMELY involved with our church, working in the nursery- his crime- shamed me, broke my heart, sickened me. I spent hours holding infants and toddlers, sometimes I would just rock them and pray for them and their parents, their future- everything. Both our children are saved, if they were to die right now- they would go straight to the arms of Jesus. That sort of sustained me. I thought to myself, if all my heartache is what it took to get my butt back into church and start to put God first- it was worth it. My children's souls of course are worth it.
However, after his arrest, I was a little angry with God. I was like, really Lord? really? - I mean it is getting hard to consider my trials pure joy. My husband went from making $82,000 a year to $3,500 last year and ZERO this year. He may never work again. And, you did read that I am a teacher, right? I am not hung up on money but I do want to help my kids with college and be able to provide for them.
If I had left him in 2009, my 10 year old son wouldn't even remember him. Now, I have to deal with his heart break. Him and his dad were best friends. I have never seen a son/father closer. My 10 year old cannot possibly understand all of this AND- he blames me. I can take it, I am tough, but sometimes- it does overwhelm me with sadness.
Did I mention that after we separated on 2/7- my husband overdosed on sleeping pills and nearly died- ON MY BIRTHDAY? If I had not have found him, he would have died. His blood pressure was 35/50- he spent the night in ICU. His mental health has deteriorated since his arrest. I was trying to carry all this pressure, still work, care for kids and actually living with a crazy person. He went coo coo. The Dr. doubled his prozac and it sent him into a medicated manic state. He was driving me crazy. He never was easy to live with to begin with, but wow- it went downhill.
Well, that is my story in a nutshell. Go ahead and put me at the head of the class as the dumbest person on these boards. I cannot believe this is my life and/or my story. Just write STUPID on my forehead and call it a day. In the meantime, I am still in church- still putting God first. I do believe God is good and all of our needs are being met. My kids are happy and healthy. I have had them to a Christian counselor. I have a good family, parents live 2 miles away and step up to help, no matter what I need. I feel bad that I take advantage of them so much. Our home was nearly paid off so I refinanced and my house payment is around $400 now- so, we can make it on my salary.
Anyway- I look forward to maybe helping others here and helping myself too.
Thanks for reading.