W
I have no friends to talk to about my life, and I am on the verge of breaking down.
Background:
My fiancé and I have been together since I was 15 years old, I am now 21. He was my first and only. We have 2 and 3 year old adorable little boys. We have always been so strong in our relationship, we were that "perfect" couple that everyone always wondered how we did it. Respect was out number one trait we were so proud about.
I'm not happy anymore. And I am so sick of just going through the motions. I do not love this man anymore. A few years ago he cheated on me and that's where this all began. Obviously my trust was lost. We separated for about 2 weeks, his decision. He was absolutely miserable without me (and mind you, I think that's only because he had to go back to living with his parents, and I would only allow the kids to see him for a few hours, but made sure they had a stable home with me.) he came back saying all of the right things, and I let him in of course. I want more than anything for my boys to have a family, not a broken one. I want them to grow up with their mom and dad, and to have stability in their lives, something I did not. So I will always forgive him, and I will literally never walk away.
He is an amazing father, he really is. he raises the kids exactly how i want them to be raised, for the most part.
i am the "bread winner" I went to college, I work 9-5, and I am the one supporting us.
He works about 20hours a week from 4am-9am and makes minimum wage.
I have tried discussing with him calmly that it would be so great if he could look for a higher paying job with more hours, but he doesn't.
My trust for him is gone. I am always wondering, always questioning in my head everything. My respect for him is also gone. Completely. He says I have changed, and he is right... I have. I have matured to take care of this family. My priorities have completely changed. When I met him, I was dating him during a time in my life when I was angry at God and running away. I sinned, and as a result have this family I am "stuck" with now. I would NEVER change anything because of my children, they are the sweetest most well behaved loving things that has ever happened to me. But now that I want to find God again, how am I supposed to go to church while I am living in sin? How an I supposed to go back to being that girl who loved God and put him before everything in her life, while being engaged to a man who doesn't believe in God.
I am not in love with my fiancé.
I want a man who supports me, who loves God first, who respects me, and who will be a Christ following example to my children. I don't want them to think that staying home all day and playing video games and smoking and drinking is what a man does.
He won't change.
And he has made that very clear.
I don't want to leave because I refuse to let my children be raised with a broken family just because I am not happy.
But I want a house, I want a MAN, not a boy, I want a man who treats me like I deserve, and respects me, who is faithful, who has goals. And he is none of those things. When your 15 you don't think about these things. And now here I am living with the repercussions of my actions.
I guess I don't know why I'm writing this. Because I don't plan on going anywhere. Maybe just venting. I have nobody in my life to talk to about him. I pretend everything is fine, when in reality I just want to run away and take my boys with me.
So now here I am stuck in this pretend life where I have to smile and wave, with somebody I don't love.
I sound so pathetic.
I would roll my eyes at somebody else who wrote this.
Background:
My fiancé and I have been together since I was 15 years old, I am now 21. He was my first and only. We have 2 and 3 year old adorable little boys. We have always been so strong in our relationship, we were that "perfect" couple that everyone always wondered how we did it. Respect was out number one trait we were so proud about.
I'm not happy anymore. And I am so sick of just going through the motions. I do not love this man anymore. A few years ago he cheated on me and that's where this all began. Obviously my trust was lost. We separated for about 2 weeks, his decision. He was absolutely miserable without me (and mind you, I think that's only because he had to go back to living with his parents, and I would only allow the kids to see him for a few hours, but made sure they had a stable home with me.) he came back saying all of the right things, and I let him in of course. I want more than anything for my boys to have a family, not a broken one. I want them to grow up with their mom and dad, and to have stability in their lives, something I did not. So I will always forgive him, and I will literally never walk away.
He is an amazing father, he really is. he raises the kids exactly how i want them to be raised, for the most part.
i am the "bread winner" I went to college, I work 9-5, and I am the one supporting us.
He works about 20hours a week from 4am-9am and makes minimum wage.
I have tried discussing with him calmly that it would be so great if he could look for a higher paying job with more hours, but he doesn't.
My trust for him is gone. I am always wondering, always questioning in my head everything. My respect for him is also gone. Completely. He says I have changed, and he is right... I have. I have matured to take care of this family. My priorities have completely changed. When I met him, I was dating him during a time in my life when I was angry at God and running away. I sinned, and as a result have this family I am "stuck" with now. I would NEVER change anything because of my children, they are the sweetest most well behaved loving things that has ever happened to me. But now that I want to find God again, how am I supposed to go to church while I am living in sin? How an I supposed to go back to being that girl who loved God and put him before everything in her life, while being engaged to a man who doesn't believe in God.
I am not in love with my fiancé.
I want a man who supports me, who loves God first, who respects me, and who will be a Christ following example to my children. I don't want them to think that staying home all day and playing video games and smoking and drinking is what a man does.
He won't change.
And he has made that very clear.
I don't want to leave because I refuse to let my children be raised with a broken family just because I am not happy.
But I want a house, I want a MAN, not a boy, I want a man who treats me like I deserve, and respects me, who is faithful, who has goals. And he is none of those things. When your 15 you don't think about these things. And now here I am living with the repercussions of my actions.
I guess I don't know why I'm writing this. Because I don't plan on going anywhere. Maybe just venting. I have nobody in my life to talk to about him. I pretend everything is fine, when in reality I just want to run away and take my boys with me.
So now here I am stuck in this pretend life where I have to smile and wave, with somebody I don't love.
I sound so pathetic.
I would roll my eyes at somebody else who wrote this.