How far back to you share your secrets

[Jordache]

I just thought of this because a very old friend of mine and I recently connected. He's married, though I'm not sure he's happily married. He is also a Christian, though I believe a nominal one. I haven't seen him in over 10 yrs so I can' be sure I'm accurate.
So the question is: in a relationship, how far back do you go when sharing your "baggage", "history", "junk" whatever you call it?
The guy and I were good friends (too good, though not that good) for a couple years when we were teenagers (14-16 or so). I only ask because he moving back here and we could possibly connect. I'm not worried about anything happening, but I just want to be honest.

 

[DuchessAimee]

My question is, why are you reconnecting with him? What are your motives if he wasn't that good of a friend to begin with?

 

[MissCris]

I'm a little bit confused on what exactly you're saying...

I don't really get why you bring up that he might not be "happily" married, because whether he's happy or not in his marriage, he's still married. I guess I'm kind of hung up on that part- I don't see how it could be a good idea to "connect" with a married man, particularly because of the way it sounds like your friendship with him was in the past.

I don't mean to sound all judgmental, really...it just sounds like a situation that would be best to avoid altogether.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

I don't think his wife would appreciate another woman "connecting" with her husband.

Posting all your secrets here on CC would be a smarter move then telling them to a married man.

 

[Jullianna]

I can't see any reason for a lady to talk with a married man about her personal business, past or present. It is disrespectful to his wife whether they are happily married or not.

 

[1still_waters]

If his wife isn't joining him, I wouldn't meet up to connect.
You may not have those intentions now, but you're just setting yourself up for "well stuff just happens, and one thing lead to another and...".

The best way to make sure "well stuff just happens" doesn't happen, is to keep away from that path.

Cuz if he's not happily married, and there is some emotional connection there, then it's right off into "well stuff just happens".

 

[BananaPie]

I just thought of this because a very old friend of mine and I recently connected. He's married...
So the question is: in a relationship, how far back do you go when sharing your "baggage", "history", "junk" whatever you call it?

I trust the "relationship" you are referring to is NOT between you and a married man, correct?

If Mr. Married wants to catch-up with you about ol' times, then he should include the physical presence of his wife in doing so. Otherwise, you have become a form of mistress by keeping "connected" to a married man without his wife's approval.

If Mr. Married is not happy in his marriage, and he wants to talk to you about it, then you should advise him to talk to his pastor or an elder at his church about these matters. If Mr. Married doesn't have ties the a church, then you should refer him to the elders of your church. It's obvious the man needs help, and it's not up to the single sisters to provide that kind of help your married friend needs.

...I only ask because... we could possibly connect.

...uh...? I thought you posted a week ago that you have a BF...

A good man is worth submitting to. My bf and I have had this discussion a few times...

 

[BananaPie]

As for how far back to share secrets, well, a godly woman doesn't have any secrets because she lives openly for the honor and glory of God.

Nonetheless, a godly woman is prudent by sharing (speaking) "that which is good to use of edifying that it may minister grace unto the hearers."

Regardless of time span, there are certain topics which should be kept strictly between committed couples, while other, more nonchalant topics can be shared between ol' time friends, i.e. one's conversion to faith in Christ, the passing of a parent, employment avenues, etc.

 

[Jordache]

Geez, why all the judgement? Why is everyone jumping to conclusions?
First of all I never said we weren't good friends. We were. We were just a bit more than friends for a while.
Second I never said I was gonna go meet him a back alley. I'm not going to meet up with him alone.
Thirdly, there are no "feelings" there. We were good friends. That's that.
Lastly my question wasnt about telling him all my secrets. It was about informing my bf of the extent of our relationship that ended many many years ago and was a teenage fling.
Maybe I should just not ask anymore questions. This is ridiculous!

 

[zeroturbulence]

Geez, why all the judgement? Why is everyone jumping to conclusions?
First of all I never said we weren't good friends. We were. We were just a bit more than friends for a while.
Second I never said I was gonna go meet him a back alley. I'm not going to meet up with him alone.
Thirdly, there are no "feelings" there. We were good friends. That's that.
Lastly my question wasnt about telling him all my secrets. It was about informing my bf of the extent of our relationship that ended many many years ago and was a teenage fling.
Maybe I should just not ask anymore questions. This is ridiculous!

I totally didn't get that from the original post but now that you mention it I went back and re-read it and now it makes sense. I think everyone else missed that too and thought you were asking how much you should tell your old friend.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Jordache, under what circumstances would your past even come up? A double date, perhaps? His marriage problems should be discussed with a married Christian man. Your relationship should be discussed with a married Christian woman and possibly your parents. There are certain rules of propriety that would be expedient to observe... not to mention the fact that it's playing with emotional fire to carry on a relationship with a married man at all. Take my word for it... the day will come when you will see you value this "friend" too much, and your bf will see it too and point out that you should break off all connection. If you buck his request you will immediately be valuing a married man more than your own significant other... and it's sooooo not worth it.

 

[CatHerder]

I see nothing wrong with you and your boyfriend meeting him and his wife. These things are best done when the respective partners are there.

As for the other posters - your OP was very vague...suspect that he is not happily married.....good friends but not that good...without you clearing the matter with your second post, their advice was (and still is) rather sound.

 

[Mammachickadee]

Geez, why all the judgement? Why is everyone jumping to conclusions?
First of all I never said we weren't good friends. We were. We were just a bit more than friends for a while.
Second I never said I was gonna go meet him a back alley. I'm not going to meet up with him alone.
Thirdly, there are no "feelings" there. We were good friends. That's that.
Lastly my question wasnt about telling him all my secrets. It was about informing my bf of the extent of our relationship that ended many many years ago and was a teenage fling.
Maybe I should just not ask anymore questions. This is ridiculous!

lol I didn't get that either. Good to hear. Guess the question now is, "Why would you tell your bf?" Is it to keep your boyfriend from finding out some other way? or is it because you feel his knowing will strengthen your relationship? Sometimes knowing that an ex lives nearby just causes minor to extensive paranoia in a man.

 

[BananaPie]

[My question] was about informing my bf of the extent of our relationship that ended many many years ago and was a teenage fling.

LOL, I can see clearly now, the rain is gone...

Okay seriously.
Yes, if you are in a committed, godly relationship with a fellow, then ask him if he'd care to know about your teen puppy love times.
If he rather not know, then praise the Lord and bury the topic.
If he would care to know, then praise the Lord and tell him stuff wholeheartedly.

 

[DuchessAimee]

Geez, why all the judgement? Why is everyone jumping to conclusions?
First of all I never said we weren't good friends. We were. We were just a bit more than friends for a while.
Second I never said I was gonna go meet him a back alley. I'm not going to meet up with him alone.
Thirdly, there are no "feelings" there. We were good friends. That's that.
Lastly my question wasnt about telling him all my secrets. It was about informing my bf of the extent of our relationship that ended many many years ago and was a teenage fling.
Maybe I should just not ask anymore questions. This is ridiculous!

You left out a lot of important details. To be honest, I have to wonder if you left them out because you forgot, you felt the details weren't important, or you were hiding them.


If you're truly asking whether or not you should tell your current boyfriend everything, I would answer every question he had. Does he know you've reconnected with an ex? Don't be surprised if he's upset that you've chatted with an ex boyfriend and didn't tell him about it.

 

[Ritter]

You left out a lot of important details. To be honest, I have to wonder if you left them out because you forgot, you felt the details weren't important, or you were hiding them.

I agree. A lot of the initial judgment was valid given the information you presented and how you presented it. The whole "happily married" issue made things a little twisty from the onset.

As for your current bf and what he should or shouldn't know, I will say it would be wise to not have too many secrets in general. Secrets imply dark issues not dealt with. Often they are necessary, but not necessarily the best things to have.

Skeletons are less scary when you drag them out of the darkness and into the light. The initial shock wears off and all parties benefit.

For this specific situation, I would just tell your bf what is going on and see what he thinks of your situation.

 

[NodMyHeadLikeYeah]

Geez, why all the judgement? Why is everyone jumping to conclusions?
First of all I never said we weren't good friends. We were. We were just a bit more than friends for a while.
Second I never said I was gonna go meet him a back alley. I'm not going to meet up with him alone.
Thirdly, there are no "feelings" there. We were good friends. That's that.
Lastly my question wasnt about telling him all my secrets. It was about informing my bf of the extent of our relationship that ended many many years ago and was a teenage fling.
Maybe I should just not ask anymore questions. This is ridiculous!

It's not ridiculous, especially when your first post was very vague and included none of what you said above. We were responding based on the information givin to us.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

Geez, why all the judgement? Why is everyone jumping to conclusions?
First of all I never said we weren't good friends. We were. We were just a bit more than friends for a while.
Second I never said I was gonna go meet him a back alley. I'm not going to meet up with him alone.
Thirdly, there are no "feelings" there. We were good friends. That's that.
Lastly my question wasnt about telling him all my secrets. It was about informing my bf of the extent of our relationship that ended many many years ago and was a teenage fling.
Maybe I should just not ask anymore questions. This is ridiculous!

lol...I hear ya sister.....to answer your question.....If i was in your boyfriends shoes, I would want to know and def wouldn't be happy with you if I found out about it later.

 

[Jullianna]

Sorry, Jordache. I didn't see anything about you having a bf or his wife coming with him in the OP. It was a lil odd. Hope all turns out well.

Is there something in particular that your bf would need to know about this guy? Was he more than a friend back in the day or what?