How would you feel if your spouse schedules date times with the kids but never you??

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kanashina

Guest
#1
#1
So curious to know whether anyone has encountered this before in their marriage. After 21 years of marriage and 5 kids, I can count on my two hands the number of times he has even initiated us going out to eat together on a date.

I am not needy as in wanting his undivided attention all day or will cry puddles if he does not give me flowers. I just would like his company a bit each day. He never seemed to want to spend time with me. I thought he was tired from work or busy.

After years of watching him put the needs of others before mine, I finally broke down. My husband would make Saturday morning date times with my kids and never once with me. When he knew how hurt I was, he told me that he always thought of it but never had the time to do it. Yet, he did with the kids (for which I am grateful and yet hurt that I did not matter enough to qualify). He apparently felt our daily routine of life was enough time together. He felt I should have forced him to go on a date instead of feeling hurt. How does one respond to that?

If I can see he does not want to go for a quiet walk alone with me, I will not force him to. I long for his company but he does not long for mine. It has been something I needed to accept. I started going out for walks along the lake by myself just to ease my loneliness. Somehow seeing others out walking helped. The more I did, the more he noticed I was gone and now feels a bit hurt that I am shutting him out. I realized that I was shutting him out in order to protect myself from feeling more hurt when he neglects me.

So, just wanting to know some thoughts on this, if you have ever had the same experience. ( and, no, new to the city and do not know many people, so please do not suggest church groups or girlfriends :)
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#2
Apr 18, 2013
9,367
2,443
113
#2
What would I do if my spouse scheduled date time with the kids but never me?

I would be thankful that most counselors have open slots in their schedule.
 
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MrMyagi

Guest
#3
#3
Okay... this one doesn't sound as drastic as other posts I'm encountering. This is what it sounds like to me.....

Five kids = Living FOR the kids.

Make sense?

It is not sounding like he is hostile or resentful to you. It just sounds like 21 years and five kids have allowed for inertia to do it's part and just gradually move you two away from viewing each other as the PRIMARY love source in your marriage. This is VERY common. But it is also one of the easiest to fix if love is truly there.

I would just start opening up talks. Not about what he DOESN'T do. But how much you miss HIM. How much you miss "US". It sounded to me like he was looking to you to take charge of a date. I didn't seem to read that he would be hesitant in responding if you did. I know you wish HE would do it.... and it's slightly understandable. The hardest part is to break 21 years of habits between the two and then SUDDENLY spring a new change.

Take this easy. He seemed to imply he misses you when you go for walks by yourself. Take this slowly.... Invite him for whatever... And if he hears this enough times, he might just come around and do what you want him to do.

The two of you are going to be 'empty nesters' in a couple of years. This is the hardest part for most couples with that many kids. It sends couples in to shock who have spent most of their time living for their kids and suddenly can't remember how to love on each other. Kids WILL leave.... always. The parents need to always have communication with each other as to what the plan is going to be once the last one has finally said "adios". I think you should just start talking about the reality of that. If he's as 'giving to other people' as you say he is, he doesn't sound like he would be resistant to giving to the needs to the very one who gave him the five kids in the first place.

Just start talking..... And start praying. Pray outloud if you must. Pray with HIM if you can. Let both God AND your husband hear of your intent. NOT about bad stuff..... just your intent: That you want your husband to always be there even after the kids have gone.

Try it for awhile.

Blessings,
 
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tenderhearted

Guest
#4
#4
I would be hurt to. However, you know husbands sometimes need a little help and prayer in certain areas. Even us wives don't always get it right. I don't believe that you should force your husband to go on a date with you, but taking the initiative to plan a date would be a great idea. Your husband may just not have ideas about where to go. Planning may not be his thing. I think that you should try working with him in this area instead of shutting him out. I don't get the sense that your husband is trying to neglect you on purpose. Sometimes even looking at his family dynamics-- the models that were set before him, may help you to understand why he is the way he is. You might have some compassion for him. I pray that God would heal your heart and that you and your husband would be on fire for each other.
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#5
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#5
Sounds like there are a lot of unspoken expectations in your marriage. You two really need to have a heart-to-heart -- starting with prayer. Do you pray together? It's a great thing! But put all the past hurt behind you. You can turn over a new leaf if you both know what kind of expectations you have of each other.

Also, I suggest that you schedule the dates -- once a week or every other week would be nice.

Truly, this just seems like a lack of communication to me -- you've been at cross-purposes because a lot of assuming has taken place. Get it out there. It doesn't seem like the hurt either one of you are feeling has been done maliciously.

Go on some dates -- start talking! And don't forget the prayer!!!
 
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kanashina

Guest
#6
#6
Thank you all for such kind wisdom and encouragement. Yes, he does not mean to be neglectful or unkind. He just does not share my need of spousal company...i think:) Five kids does take its toll. You are all right about needing to pray together rather than pull away. Easier said than done when the heart is hurting. It is just so hard to out aside my pride to say that I miss him and want to spend time with him when I can see it dkes not seem to matter so much to him. Are there any husbands out there that could shed some light on this for me? If you do not feel like spending time with your wife, like on a date or walk, etc...do you WANT your wife to tell you she wants you to do that? (The reason why I saythe husband does not is because he does not do it. He has said he has always wanted to but never had time. But when I point out how he initiates and makes time for all the kids, he has no answer. I guess, in my eyes, if you really want to do something enough you would do it. He seems to think the intention counts as much as the act itself. )

Okay. Be gentle, please, but am I being a dingbat for not seeing it like him?
 
Jruiz

Jruiz

Senior Member
#7
Dec 13, 2013
565
5
18
#7
How would you feel if your husband tells his son he loves him and not you? How would you feel if your husband kisses his 3 yr old son right before leaving for work and walks right passed you? That's my husband. I understand how you feel. Sit him down and realy talk to him about it...and then be patient. He knows your complaints...
 
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MrsClementMelton1122

Guest
#8
#8
Hello,

The first step would be to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "who am i." We often get caught trying to figure out our husbands that we lose years of happiness. You have to start living and not expecting your husband to bring happiness or companionship to your life. If he doesn't make time for you then make time for yourself. If that means taking a vacation to a tropical place and having alone time with God and a nice magazine do it. Don't live the remainder of your years without happiness and centered around a man who clearly is selfish. I've learned the closer I become with God the less I care about having a relationship with my husband. The great thing about loving yourself is the ability to not wait on attention or validation. Your husband will come around when he notices how you focus more on yourself and less on him. Men love a challenge, though people may think its playing games its actually taking back what the devil intended to harm.
 
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Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#9
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#9
Sounds like a communication problem.. Once a guys married, they don't think in terms of "date night". You live together and your around each other 24/7, so setting-up an appointment with your wife seems ridiculous. Take the initiative, find something you both enjoy, and tell him he's going to do it with you. I doubt he's intentionally avoiding you, his attention is just diverted to kids, work, etc. So don't wait for him to notice that you'd like some private time with him, or you might have a long wait. Men aren't always sensitive about what the wife is feeling, they may know she's mad or pouting, but they're usually clueless as to why. Tell him point blank. He probably thinks Saturday morning with his kids includes you? His reaction would be the same as mine, he thinks you just want extra attention or need to feel appreciated. Usually some kind words, good intentions, flowers/candy, does the trick, but it doesn't work on high maintenance women. Don't over-load his cart, just tell him to put you on his to-do list :)
 
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kanashina

Guest
#10
#10
He takes one kid at a time in birth order from the 20 yr old on down to 12 and they go wherever our child decides and spends several hours out dping stuff. I need to stay home and watch over the kids here at home. He does it for bonding time with the kids, which he already has, and he is a great fathrr. He is not a selfish man but he has no clue how much it hurts to be neglected. I have told him and he feels bad he has hurt me but that's about it. I hesitate to tell him that he is to do such and such to make things better as it seems he will be doing it out of duty and not real desire. Same as if I told him to buy me a certain new dress for my birthday. He would go and buy it and I know I basically got it for myself. I know it might seem insane but that to me is like picking out a card for myself with a message that says I Love You, then telling him to buy it and send it to me to surprise myself. Oddly enough, though, but I don't care for flowers nor chocolates nor cards. Flowers die quickly, cjocolates make me fat, and cards were written by women with emotions :)
 
secularhermit

secularhermit

Banned
#11
May 3, 2013
8,719
75
0
#11
Well! when I was married I liked to be home... I seldom planned things and seldom planned my own BD, except I was pending my children or ex-wife.

I disliked she planned things for me. If I don´t need certain things, why did i need someone who made them her ways?

I was used to live one day after another.
 
E

Esanta

Banned
#12
Jun 18, 2014
755
3
0
#12
kanashina said:
So curious to know whether anyone has encountered this before in their marriage. After 21 years of marriage and 5 kids, I can count on my two hands the number of times he has even initiated us going out to eat together on a date.

I am not needy as in wanting his undivided attention all day or will cry puddles if he does not give me flowers. I just would like his company a bit each day. He never seemed to want to spend time with me. I thought he was tired from work or busy.

After years of watching him put the needs of others before mine, I finally broke down. My husband would make Saturday morning date times with my kids and never once with me. When he knew how hurt I was, he told me that he always thought of it but never had the time to do it. Yet, he did with the kids (for which I am grateful and yet hurt that I did not matter enough to qualify). He apparently felt our daily routine of life was enough time together. He felt I should have forced him to go on a date instead of feeling hurt. How does one respond to that?

If I can see he does not want to go for a quiet walk alone with me, I will not force him to. I long for his company but he does not long for mine. It has been something I needed to accept. I started going out for walks along the lake by myself just to ease my loneliness. Somehow seeing others out walking helped. The more I did, the more he noticed I was gone and now feels a bit hurt that I am shutting him out. I realized that I was shutting him out in order to protect myself from feeling more hurt when he neglects me.

So, just wanting to know some thoughts on this, if you have ever had the same experience. ( and, no, new to the city and do not know many people, so please do not suggest church groups or girlfriends :)
Click to expand...
I won't say I've had exactly the same experience, but I do know exactly what it's like to want to feel special to someone and to want regular time to bond with someone in a certain way that isn't humdrum; to want to be with someone romantically rather than routinely. I mean, after all, your day to day routine is hardly quality alone time with your partner, is it?

You need to let your husband know that this isn't something you want to force, after all, what's forced attraction but unattractive? But you should also let him know that this is important to you; you love him and you want to be able for the two of you to re-explore that in a setting that is private, free of distraction. You love that your husband puts so much effort into the kids and takes them out and does things with them, obviously, but he's also a husband, and you're a woman, and he's a man, and we do need to spend time with our partners that is time away from the daily grind.
 
MrsRobinson

MrsRobinson

Member
#13
Jun 19, 2013
47
1
8
#13
I just simply want to say, you're not at dingbat. I get it... I really do. I think the word is "cherish". It's one thing to love or provide and take car of, and it's a totally different thing to cherish. Take care and don't give up and don't let your heart wander or grow cold.

Juanita
 
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