So I had left for the shelter, pretty much driven out of my home by the enemy, stayed there for 6 months, praying for help what with not knowing what to do now with no family and no more home to go home to and the shelter only lets you stay for 6 months, found a job which I took but in order to take the job the only way I had to be able to get back and forth to work was to return to Shane, lost the job after a month and a half and haven't got another one, and still daily battling pain and hopelessness for my life. I get that my marriage was supposed to be different but it ISN'T, and there is no trust, no affection, no forgiveness from my husband in this, and far too deep and long of wounds for this to heal. He's told me through all these 5 years all he wants is for me to leave and him not have to spend the rest of his life married to me. I don't want to stay in this broken marriage and I have been praying and holding on to the Lord, for almost 6 years now, and nothing has changed in this marriage and we have not been brought back together in any way other than sleeping at and having the same address, and I'm Mikaels mother and he's Mikael's father. Seriously we have spent 6 years basically physically located at the same address but otherwise in every way apart. There is no marriage, there is a piece of paper that we signed 6 years ago and a mutual child and residence, and even that is something he says this is MY house I pay the bills I had it before you came into my life and it's not your home or your house and I want you out of my life and house so leave. I struggle with the whole thing of I married him, and God designed marriage that except for adultery, there is no biblical grounds for divorce and whoever divorces causes the other spouse to commit adultery, and whoever marries the divorced spouse commits adultery. I did cheat in my marriage but left those relationships at the beginning of this year, and asked for forgiveness and have not gone back to them.
Nothing has changed in my marriage in all this time.
So I have been pretty much back to a common cycle in my marriage, sleeping for 12-18 hours a day, barely eating, crippled by depression and hopelessness, trying to adjust to the fact that until I die, or my husband dies, I will have no real non hurtful, abusive, loving family on this earth.
This marriage has tried my faith that God cares if my soul dies, or that I want to die to not be in this prison of alone in the world, if God cares that to stay in this marriage like this has put me in 6 years of bondage to depression and lack of hope.
Following His law to not divorce and keep the vow of to death do us part means waiting to die to be free of the hurt and abuse.
I've been advised to go to Christian counseling with my husband, who won't go, and also we can't afford it, they want $60 a week which we could not pay. Also Shane refuses to go.
I've been advised to separate, and I have separated from him over 10 times in the course of marriage, only to end up back here with nothing changing.
I've been advised to pray for him, nothing changes.
Pray for him, forgive, submit to him, yeah, and he sees that as me laying down for him to verbally and emotionally beat up.
So I'm at a loss for what to do, because I get that the idea is to pray for it and God heals the marriage, but I have been doing that for years and all that leads to is more of me taking abuse, no forgiveness, and me sinking further into hopelessness, depression, and sleeping to wait to die.
So how long of holding on to this to honor this vow that has nothing left in it is holding on too long?
If I leave and divorce him, do I risk my eternal soul to get out of this?
Is this a "be the sacrificial lamb and let him kill everything but your body in this life or give up your eternal life?"
I can't trust God with my heart if he's willing to kill everything but my physical life for His law.