If We're All Such Relationship Experts, Why Are We All Single?

[Ariel82]

I did all the things that annoyed my past boyfriends, told him the strangest theories about the world I had at the time, tested to see his belief in marriage and commitment was and did anything else I thought might scare him away. we even discussed what would happen if we had kids. basically i chose to be ME, instead of hiding behind a polite mask of who I thought he would want me to be. He stuck around so i agreed to marry him.

most important thing: honesty and commitment.

u have to be committed to making it work, even when the other person makes u mad. establish boundaries: ex. cheating means the relationship is over. trust respect common goal, different interest, happiness with self and ok being alone...not dating just to have someone, anyone. being willing to bend on none important issues: color of paint on the wall, etc.

We've only been married 8 years, dated two years before getting married. have two beautiful kids. still trying to figure out alot of things, but we learned a few important things:

never go to bed angry with the other person.

and

spending time together is more important than washing dirty dishes, though eventually those dishes do need to be washed. lol

I learned from talking to different married couples that everyone's love story is a little different. what works for one relationship would totally not work with another. What is important is communication and being honest with yourself about your feelings and their feelings.

If the depth of feeling and the commitment for life is not there for the long haul, sometimes its better just to be friends and keep the physical attraction out of the equation.

 

[CC_Bride]

This is exactly why I stick around in this singles thread. My hubby loves to tease and ask why I visit the singles threads and my reply is usually like "So they don't get any crazy stupid ideas in their head about relationships from other singles who don't have a clue!"
Not that Im a pro, only been married now for 2 years but thats 2 more than the rest of you plus Ive never had multiple messed up dating relationships (only dated 2 people my whole life). My dating/courtship/married life has thus been pretty straight forward and happy and Im always happy to give practical advice

 

[DuchessAimee]

I agree Ariel.

I don't really know what to look for anymore.

To even begin the conversation it has to be about Christ. But A lot of women buy into the maya angelou myth that A man who is seeking God with all His heart soul mind and strength will instead find a wife, and in fact that is how a wife is found.

I'm still trying to unthink the value of being with someone who is available for ALL new experiences. I've done a lot of things in my life and I continue to do a lot of things. I love skiing and learning and traveling and eating good food and not everyone does. I have to be okay with that on some level.


I now know what I should have learned from the good relationships that I've had. That the relationship itself is the thing to be valued and the thing to be sought. To build a bridge between two people that can weather any storm, any quake and still stand the test of time. That is what I'm looking for. I don't think its is within individual people as much as it is in the dynamic between people.


I made a grievous mistake of believing too much in the theory that any two people who Claim Christ can come together, learn to love and work out any differences, because people can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. God has instead shown me that He cares about this stuff too and we shouldn't just arbitrarily pick someone and try to figure it out. Love was not designed to glue stuff together that simply doesn't belong.



But, to be honest. I'm not looking. I feel like if I look, I'll try and when I try I fail. When I don't try, I don't fail. I never had to try to make best friends before, why should making a best friend that I get to keep be any different.

You're a great guy, one of my favorites on CC actually. I hope you know that I value what you say. I'd even go as far to say I totally dig your opinions and all that. However, when I read this post the first thing that popped into my head was, "he's looking for himself, not a girl". You're right, you've got to be okay with who she is, not who you want her to be. From what I know about you, I would be surprised if you ended up with someone who wasn't more the opposite of you than what you're looking for. You say you're looking for dynamic between two people. Some people call that chemistry. In order to have a reaction, elements have to share and compliment each other to some point. They have to be able to bond together. And when they combine, they are an entirely new entity. I think often times we forget that when we come together we create something new each and every time. The point isn't to create the same experience every time two people join, but instead to create different building blocks to make that bridge you mentioned prior.

Here's where I disagree with you (shocking, isn't it? ) . Love is designed to join all things together because God is love. God can (and does) join the oddest personalities in love if the two people being bonded are willing to work through their issues. However, I do believe that two people have to have some sort of foundation to begin with. People are far more alike than we think we are. What you're ACTUALLY looking for is someone to love you like Christ. Yes, it's nice to have someone to ski with, and who knows, maybe she's willing to give it a go! But you've got to be open to who the woman is. As long as she will love, respect, and be that Proverbs 31 woman, does it matter if she wants to run a marathon? What you're truly looking for is someone to be your cheerleader, someone who will be at the finish line when you complete something in your life that you had to do alone. And to be honest, part of me wonders if you're afraid of finding someone who will not only be in your corner, but will also be your sparing partner. We all have wrong ideas about love, you know I've got a warped point of view, but maybe you do too.

 

[Liamson]

You're a great guy, one of my favorites on CC actually. I hope you know that I value what you say. I'd even go as far to say I totally dig your opinions and all that. However, when I read this post the first thing that popped into my head was, "he's looking for himself, not a girl". You're right, you've got to be okay with who she is, not who you want her to be. From what I know about you, I would be surprised if you ended up with someone who wasn't more the opposite of you than what you're looking for. You say you're looking for dynamic between two people. Some people call that chemistry. In order to have a reaction, elements have to share and compliment each other to some point. They have to be able to bond together. And when they combine, they are an entirely new entity. I think often times we forget that when we come together we create something new each and every time. The point isn't to create the same experience every time two people join, but instead to create different building blocks to make that bridge you mentioned prior.

Here's where I disagree with you (shocking, isn't it? ) . Love is designed to join all things together because God is love. God can (and does) join the oddest personalities in love if the two people being bonded are willing to work through their issues. However, I do believe that two people have to have some sort of foundation to begin with. People are far more alike than we think we are. What you're ACTUALLY looking for is someone to love you like Christ. Yes, it's nice to have someone to ski with, and who knows, maybe she's willing to give it a go! But you've got to be open to who the woman is. As long as she will love, respect, and be that Proverbs 31 woman, does it matter if she wants to run a marathon? What you're truly looking for is someone to be your cheerleader, someone who will be at the finish line when you complete something in your life that you had to do alone. And to be honest, part of me wonders if you're afraid of finding someone who will not only be in your corner, but will also be your sparing partner. We all have wrong ideas about love, you know I've got a warped point of view, but maybe you do too.

I wouldn't necessarily say that I am looking for myself anymore. I am certainly cultivating who I am, my strengths and stuff. But I am found, the search is off.


2 points. Chemistry and Pursuit


1. Chemistry is great and being able to do loads of stuff together is great too. And in a strange way, on a Cognitive level, I agree with you. (MBTI stuff) I'm usually always the more outgoing party in my relationships and I have never been a fan of women who like being the center of attention. However, I am willing to give up doing some things together, I don't want to be with someone who is mostly a cheerleader and not a participant. But I agree with you that no two relationships are the same and they can't hold the same level of expectation. I'm not running marathons, or Triathlons or doing anything too crazy but, there are people wired to simply watch. I'm simply not interested in going snorkeling while my lady stays in the boat, metaphorically speaking.

2. Pursuit... This is where the dynamic begins and possibly the most frustrating part of the whole thing and possibly where I have a messed up view of things.

I don't know how to pursue someone out of person or over the internet.

I know how to pursue someone who thinks like I do. I don't mean thinks like a man either. I mean, values simply coexisting and growing together to respect each other's perspectives goals and experiences. I can pursue someone who values knowledge learning and pushing themselves to be more. That is what friends do, and I believe great relationships do it to.

What I don't know is how to get anywhere from scratch. Its either something that happens or something where I feel like I'm forcing it. Forcing it is kind of like what Hollywood shows, only without the happy ending. Its a lot of wooing and Trying and striving.

But when I don't and I simply am who I am and allow the relationship to be as it is, there is much potential for what could develop. Its been out of these sort of relationships that I have rooted my expectation for success. But its not predatory, its more like leading by example and giving someone the option of coming along.

 

[DuchessAimee]

I wouldn't necessarily say that I am looking for myself anymore. I am certainly cultivating who I am, my strengths and stuff. But I am found, the search is off.


2 points. Chemistry and Pursuit


1. Chemistry is great and being able to do loads of stuff together is great too. And in a strange way, on a Cognitive level, I agree with you. (MBTI stuff) I'm usually always the more outgoing party in my relationships and I have never been a fan of women who like being the center of attention. However, I am willing to give up doing some things together, I don't want to be with someone who is mostly a cheerleader and not a participant. But I agree with you that no two relationships are the same and they can't hold the same level of expectation. I'm not running marathons, or Triathlons or doing anything too crazy but, there are people wired to simply watch. I'm simply not interested in going snorkeling while my lady stays in the boat, metaphorically speaking.

2. Pursuit... This is where the dynamic begins and possibly the most frustrating part of the whole thing and possibly where I have a messed up view of things.

I don't know how to pursue someone out of person or over the internet.

I know how to pursue someone who thinks like I do. I don't mean thinks like a man either. I mean, values simply coexisting and growing together to respect each other's perspectives goals and experiences. I can pursue someone who values knowledge learning and pushing themselves to be more. That is what friends do, and I believe great relationships do it to.

What I don't know is how to get anywhere from scratch. Its either something that happens or something where I feel like I'm forcing it. Forcing it is kind of like what Hollywood shows, only without the happy ending. Its a lot of wooing and Trying and striving.

But when I don't and I simply am who I am and allow the relationship to be as it is, there is much potential for what could develop. Its been out of these sort of relationships that I have rooted my expectation for success. But its not predatory, its more like leading by example and giving someone the option of coming along.

By find yourself, I meant someone like you. Not you finding out who you are. Sorry I didn't compose that sentence well.

Pursuing someone on the net is difficult, but I would think it's much like doing so in person. Well actually, I would think it's a whole lot more difficult in many ways. You don't have the benefit of physical chemistry, but the other side of that coin is you would know if you could connect on a communication and friendship level. Honestly, I don't know how someone pursues someone else over the internet, but I would imagine it would start with a conversation.

 

[Ariel82]

DuchessAimee, I read your post and it made me think about all the things my husband and I DO NOT agree on and our personalities are totally opposite, yet some how God put us together and we tend to compliment one another.

I know I do things that drive him batty, but we have learned to compromise in that I try to do the the things less and he tries to go less batty.

lol for example, I tend to be messy and disorganized at times but if I put my mind to it I can organize and keep things in order, but it doesn't come natural to me. I try for his sake but don't always suceed. on his part he makes a point to compliment me when I acutally get everything put in his rather OCD type organizational scheme. (I only say that half jokingly)

 

[Markum1972]

According to that logic, everything that the Apostle Paul said about relationships would be unmerited. The Apostle Paul was not married, yet gave a lot of instruction to those that are. I have helped tutor math, but I am not a math professor. The important thing to remember is that we all have been given gifts. Without the Holy Spirit, we have no means by which to discern who is gifted in what. I have met more married couples that cannot show that they should give advice based on their own marriage. Just because one does not own their own home, does not mean that they would not be a good steward in keeping their house.

 

[seoulsearch]

According to that logic, everything that the Apostle Paul said about relationships would be unmerited. The Apostle Paul was not married, yet gave a lot of instruction to those that are. I have helped tutor math, but I am not a math professor. The important thing to remember is that we all have been given gifts. Without the Holy Spirit, we have no means by which to discern who is gifted in what. I have met more married couples that cannot show that they should give advice based on their own marriage. Just because one does not own their own home, does not mean that they would not be a good steward in keeping their house.

I could be wrong but I was taught that Paul was part of a religious group (the Sanhedrin, I believe, but I could be wrong) and as part of the qualifications for that group, you had to have been married. It's been said that perhaps Paul's wife either left him when he became a Christian (hence, let the unbeliever leave), or, that his wife passed away.

In either case, he did not seek to remarry, which of course, in itself is something to think about.

 

[DuchessAimee]

I could be wrong but I was taught that Paul was part of a religious group (the Sanhedrin, I believe, but I could be wrong) and as part of the qualifications for that group, you had to have been married. It's been said that perhaps Paul's wife either left him when he became a Christian (hence, let the unbeliever leave), or, that his wife passed away.

In either case, he did not seek to remarry, which of course, in itself is something to think about.

I was also taught that Paul would have had to have been married in order for him to operate in the religious circles he was in.


I think that Paul didn't remarry because 1) he felt that his calling was so great he knew he didn't have time for a wife, 2) maybe it was because he was older and he didn't feel the need to remarry, and/or 3) if his wife did leave him, perhaps he felt too battered to enter into another marriage.


Sometimes people don't have it in them to marry after divorce. After my mother's second divorce, she swore off marriage. She says she just doesn't have the emotional ability to be a proper wife.