M
hello.
Im 25 years old christian guy whose just about to hit year one of marriage.
This has been the worst year of my life and I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
I need advice because I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm being abused day after day after day.
here is the back story:
Both my wife and I are bible believing followers of jesus. And we believe the good news.
a few days after i purposed I sat my bride-to-be down to confess sexual sin in my life, which had been chiefly a long time war with pornography. The conversation didn't go well. She was disgusted with me and we parked the conversation. She still wanted to marry me.
(before you criticize me for waiting till after engagement, she wouldn't have this conversation while we were dating... i tried)
I stopped looking at pornography mostly out of fear and shame... I still haven't looked at it again but this story is not really about pornography.
2 months later we were at a work christmas party and an attractive female sat at the end of the table. after a few drinks I got loose with my gaze and had to stop myself several times from staring.
there was a lot to the feeling. My lust is very rooted in my need for approval. In my head I was feeling insecure and wanted to be validated with maybe a glance. at my root I crave to be desired in all my interaction. it's the way I seek man over God.
In the car ride home I denied it as she furiously insisted I was gawking at her.
5 days before we were going to be married we had our "full disclosure talk" (part of our pre marital counseling)
I half excitedly told her that I had not struggled with pornography since our conversation but I had failed with lust over women in day to day life (the women who walk around in a short skirt etc.) She melted down, she was furious at me. I thought the wedding would be off but honestly we had planned to hard to call it quits so we got married anyway. the first months of our marriage was her digging in our past trying to figure out times I had checked out women in front of her. pulling up pictures of coworkers and asking if "i had checked out so and so and such and such party"
It was an absolute barrage of insults and disgust and accusations of past failure and it developed into her policing me every where we go making sure I am looking at the ground at all times so my eyes never to see another woman.
After being beat down by this she finally made an accusation I couldn't deny. The xmas dinner party. I confessed timidly.
This is the start of a 9 month long journey of absolute fixation of this night. She couldn't get it out of her. She obsesses over every small detail of the night trying to unlock what was so good about the other girl. furious rages where she spits in my face and calls me pig and tells me to kill myself and that here ex was a better man than me.
"what was so good about her?"
"-it wasn't that she was better than you. my flesh saw something it didn't have and I sinned by longing to be desired by a woman. I took for granted the gift you were"
and on and on and on
We have been in christian counseling for 6 months now. she will not listen to our counselor who pleads her to see my repentance and for forgive me. she won't.
her mind seems like it's falling apart she stays in bed for entire days, she hits me and spits in my face, I have found myself holding her down wanting to strangle her after her unfiltered fits.
I confessed the physical acts to our counselors and mine have stopped but hers have not. my wife hit my with a towel bar the other day she closed fist punch me in the face yesterday and I can't do anything besides leave.
She obsessively asks me the same questions and can't accept my answers as true. she needs me to tell her I am garbage that she doesn't deserve but is so contrary to the gospel which she knows well in other parts of her life. she asks the same things over and over again and she won't here me. It's completely obsessive even in counseling our counselor pleads her to hear my hearts desire for reconciliation. she won't.
I have tried to sit down with small groups of our community but she either puts on forgiveness as a front to get through it or she just refuses to meet with people.
she's camped out in this. she takes anxiety meds which help a little but seem to have worn off of late.
I feel trapped. most days I wish God would let a bus hit one of us.
I'm sorry this is so long. It's so much more detailed in real life but I'm trying to spare you a novel.
what. do. I. do.
Im 25 years old christian guy whose just about to hit year one of marriage.
This has been the worst year of my life and I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
I need advice because I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm being abused day after day after day.
here is the back story:
Both my wife and I are bible believing followers of jesus. And we believe the good news.
a few days after i purposed I sat my bride-to-be down to confess sexual sin in my life, which had been chiefly a long time war with pornography. The conversation didn't go well. She was disgusted with me and we parked the conversation. She still wanted to marry me.
(before you criticize me for waiting till after engagement, she wouldn't have this conversation while we were dating... i tried)
I stopped looking at pornography mostly out of fear and shame... I still haven't looked at it again but this story is not really about pornography.
2 months later we were at a work christmas party and an attractive female sat at the end of the table. after a few drinks I got loose with my gaze and had to stop myself several times from staring.
there was a lot to the feeling. My lust is very rooted in my need for approval. In my head I was feeling insecure and wanted to be validated with maybe a glance. at my root I crave to be desired in all my interaction. it's the way I seek man over God.
In the car ride home I denied it as she furiously insisted I was gawking at her.
5 days before we were going to be married we had our "full disclosure talk" (part of our pre marital counseling)
I half excitedly told her that I had not struggled with pornography since our conversation but I had failed with lust over women in day to day life (the women who walk around in a short skirt etc.) She melted down, she was furious at me. I thought the wedding would be off but honestly we had planned to hard to call it quits so we got married anyway. the first months of our marriage was her digging in our past trying to figure out times I had checked out women in front of her. pulling up pictures of coworkers and asking if "i had checked out so and so and such and such party"
It was an absolute barrage of insults and disgust and accusations of past failure and it developed into her policing me every where we go making sure I am looking at the ground at all times so my eyes never to see another woman.
After being beat down by this she finally made an accusation I couldn't deny. The xmas dinner party. I confessed timidly.
This is the start of a 9 month long journey of absolute fixation of this night. She couldn't get it out of her. She obsesses over every small detail of the night trying to unlock what was so good about the other girl. furious rages where she spits in my face and calls me pig and tells me to kill myself and that here ex was a better man than me.
"what was so good about her?"
"-it wasn't that she was better than you. my flesh saw something it didn't have and I sinned by longing to be desired by a woman. I took for granted the gift you were"
and on and on and on
We have been in christian counseling for 6 months now. she will not listen to our counselor who pleads her to see my repentance and for forgive me. she won't.
her mind seems like it's falling apart she stays in bed for entire days, she hits me and spits in my face, I have found myself holding her down wanting to strangle her after her unfiltered fits.
I confessed the physical acts to our counselors and mine have stopped but hers have not. my wife hit my with a towel bar the other day she closed fist punch me in the face yesterday and I can't do anything besides leave.
She obsessively asks me the same questions and can't accept my answers as true. she needs me to tell her I am garbage that she doesn't deserve but is so contrary to the gospel which she knows well in other parts of her life. she asks the same things over and over again and she won't here me. It's completely obsessive even in counseling our counselor pleads her to hear my hearts desire for reconciliation. she won't.
I have tried to sit down with small groups of our community but she either puts on forgiveness as a front to get through it or she just refuses to meet with people.
she's camped out in this. she takes anxiety meds which help a little but seem to have worn off of late.
I feel trapped. most days I wish God would let a bus hit one of us.
I'm sorry this is so long. It's so much more detailed in real life but I'm trying to spare you a novel.
what. do. I. do.